


and we lay together (just not too close)

by internetsdad



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Alternate Universe - Slice Of Life/Contemporary, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Anger Issues/Anger Management, Angst, Blood, Bottom Lee Taeyong, Depression, Drowning, Emotional Manipulation, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abortion, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Kidnapping, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Masturbation, Mild Gore, Minor Injuries, Murder, Oral Sex, Stitches, Surfing, Threats of sexual violence, Top Suh Youngho | Johnny, Underage Drinking, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:27:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 98,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26635843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/internetsdad/pseuds/internetsdad
Summary: There’s nothing else in the entire world that binds people together more than the pain of loss. Grief is unpredictable, but when someone is ripped from your life so suddenly, it unifies even the most unlikely people.Naeun Jung has three loves in her life: her twin brother, Jaehyun, her best friend, Taeyong, and her boyfriend, Johnny. So, when her body is found in the woods after her nineteenth birthday celebration, the three of them make it their mission to bring her murderer to justice. However, their journey uncovers the many secrets she left behind, and it soon becomes clear just how little they really knew about her.Tragedy will unite them, but love will tear them apart.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong, Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 356
Kudos: 846





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If it's your first time reading one of my fics, then let me just take a moment to introduce myself: I'm Xolani, but most people either call me Lani or Nini. You can call me whatever, and I'm totally cool with it! I write a combination of original works and retellings, but they all have one very prominent thing in common. All of my works have darker tones and deal with mature themes. Very rarely, if at all, you'll find fluff. I'm not the best at writing it, so I just normally don't.
> 
> I also highly suggest always reading over the tags carefully before continuing with any of my fics. I do my best to tag everything, but there are times when I may miss some things. If that's the case, then please let me know and I'll absolutely fix it. It's never my intention to hurt anyone, and while I realize that this is fictional, I still cover topics that real people experience daily. Because of that, it's important that I establish a safe place where every reader feels comfortable coming to me with their concerns. I never want anyone to feel like I'm romanticizing mental illness, toxic relationships, abuse, etc. That's not my intention.
> 
> Another thing I would like to make clear is that despite the fact that I use real people in my writing, I, in no way, mean any harm to them or wish to taint their image in any way. This is purely a work of fiction, which means the personalities the way I've written them aren't meant to reflect the real life personalities of anyone depicted. This is for entertainment purposes only and should be separated from the actual people mentioned. Let's just have fun and distract ourselves from the real world for a while.
> 
> This fic will be predominantly centered around Johnny/Taeyong, with some minor Jaehyun/Taeyong, and will be six chapters long. Originally, this idea was scrapped. But after a lot of people showed interest in me continuing it, I decided to give it another shot. I already had everything outlined anyway, so I figured why not.
> 
> Just know that I don't have a schedule when it comes to updating and will do so whenever I get a chapter done. I wish I could stick to a schedule, but my motivation is very fickle lol. Either way, this will absolutely get completed, so if you decide to take the plunge, then you won't have to worry about it being abandoned. I would never leave you hanging like that! It just may take me a little while to update, especially considering the length of each chapter. Thank you for your patience, and I hope you enjoy!

**ENTRY 001**   
_Chuchoter_

Do you ever question if the one you love actually loves you back? Do you ever wonder if maybe it’s not you that they love, but the challenge you create? Sometimes, people like the journey more than the destination. Sometimes, people get so caught up in the teasing and the shy looks that they come to like who you pretend to be and not who you really are.

For him, well, he likes the way my knees blush and bruise when they’ve been pressed against his hardwood floors, and he likes the way I give him a show every time I bend over to grab a pencil that I not so subtly dropped. I know I shouldn’t really be documenting this, I know I shouldn’t be telling anyone, but this secret — _my secret_ — is starting to eat me alive. Secrets aren’t meant to bloom like life in your belly. They’re meant to be buried in coffins or hidden like quiet, angry fucks in the back of a car.

Secrets are meant to be strangled, like a breath cut off with a blunt razor blade. But… this is my secret. My deepest shame.

This is the story of my life and how I betrayed everyone in it.

\- Naeun

Taeyong loves how unforgiving the ocean is, how powerful it makes him feel. The ocean demands respect and draws people into its dark depths with beauty. It’s terrifying and exhilarating all the same, yet gentle when it wants to be. His mother used to tell him that the ocean was a woman, and living on their quaint little island has only seemed to confirm that for him. Who else, if not a woman, could hold life in its murky depths while standing strong and wreaking absolute havoc on those that dare try to face her? Taeyong feels nothing like that. In fact, he feels more like a muddy puddle than an ocean; bland, inconvenient, and something people tend to avoid. He’s never really fit in at these parties. And while there’s never a shortage of invites, he doesn’t ever feel welcome.

If it weren’t for the fact that tonight is his best friend Naeun’s nineteenth birthday, then he would be at home curled up in bed and watching clips from surf competitions. Practically everyone under the age of twenty-one is at the Jung household, though, drinking cheap beer and intent on making poor decisions. Love — or better yet — _lust_ is in the air, and February is seemingly the perfect month for finding someone to crawl into bed with. The music is thumping and all of the windows are open, letting the salty, humid air coat everyone’s sweaty skin. Taeyong leans against the wall, people watching as he counts the seconds until he can go home.

Naeun is off somewhere — probably doing a keg stand or making out with her boyfriend — but Taeyong is content with chilling by himself. The two of them are complete opposites in that way and in many others. Most people don’t understand their friendship, but neither of them have ever cared. Naeun has always been there for Taeyong through everything. She even used to help him study for English by reading books out loud to him when his dyslexia made it difficult to comprehend the jumble of words. And when his father bought the surf shop on the beach, Naeun had made flyers and handed them out to all the hot surfers Taeyong was too scared to talk to.

“Surprised to see you here, Ty.”

Taeyong bristles at the low timbre of the voice and turns to lock eyes with the handsome face invading his bubble of anonymity. Naeun’s twin brother, Jaehyun, flashes a smile in his direction as his gaze travels the length of Taeyong’s body. It causes the latter to shift slightly, nervousness congealing inside of him at being this close to the boy he’s had a crush on since he realized that he actually liked boys in general. Taeyong and Jaehyun were inseparable as children. But as they grew older, the pair grew apart. Naeun quickly became Taeyong’s other half, the person he could talk to about crushes and shared interests, and Jaehyun became the boy he was desperately infatuated with.

“You know how convincing and relentless Naeun can be,” Taeyong jokes, trying to keep his voice from shaking. After fifteen years of sleepovers and friendship, one would think that he wouldn’t be so nervous around Jaehyun, but old habits die hard. 

“What Naeun wants, she gets,” Jaehyun replies with a brighter smile, the affection he feels for his sister evident with his teasing expression.

Jaehyun looks Taeyong up and down again, his dark eyes lingering on his legs for a long moment that causes foolish hope to build in Taeyong’s gut. And it _is_ foolish, because Jung Jaehyun doesn’t like boys. He’s as straight as they come — at least as far as Taeyong is aware — but even if he wasn’t, he would still be off limits. It’s practically written down as a rule of life that best friends can’t date one another’s siblings.

“I haven’t seen you around much lately. You used to spend practically every weekend at our house.”

Taeyong feels his face heat up, and he tries not to preen at the fact Jaehyun had noticed his absence. “Just been busy. I picked up extra hours at the surf shop, and someone’s gotta test out all the new merch coming in.”

Jaehyun smiles, showing off his perfect teeth and the dimples in his cheeks. “You work too hard, bro.”

“It’s a thankless job, but someone has to do it,” Taeyong teases, opting to ignore the very _friendly_ term attached at the end of Jaehyun’s sentence.

Jaehyun takes a sip of his beer before looking around the crowded room as if he’s searching for something or someone. Where most kids would worry about getting in trouble with their parents, the Jungs are rarely ever home, and when they are, they pretty much pretend that neither of their children exist. And even though Naeun will never admit it, Taeyong thinks the loneliness really gets to her; it’s why she constantly fills her weekends with parties or hangs around with Taeyong. While he has regular, loving, embarrassing parents that are basically the epitome of normalcy, Naeun really only has Jaehyun.

“Have you seen my sister, by the way?”

“Nope. She’s probably with Johnny,” he replies, nearly slapping himself for bringing it up since he knows how much Jaehyun hates Naeun’s boyfriend.

“Of course she is,” Jaehyun replies with a sigh. “Did she just leave you here alone?”

The protectiveness in his tone surprises Taeyong, but he doesn’t allow himself to think too hard about it. “I pretty much begged her to leave me be. You know I don’t really do this,” he says, gesturing around at the party by way of explanation.

“ _Right_. You’re too cool for lame parties, huh, Tater Tot?” Jaehyun says, using the nickname he always used to when they were younger, leaning closer with each word that slips out between his teeth.

Taeyong can smell the alcohol on his breath and the woodsy cologne on his golden skin, that’s how close he actually is. His inner voice tells him that Jaehyun is just drunk and doesn’t realize how close they’re standing, but there’s a small part of him that is wishing for more. A small part of him that’s hoping this is the precipice to what he’s been dreaming of for so long.

“More like I’m just not cool at all.”

“You don’t know yourself very well, then.”

In some other life where Taeyong is someone else, he would close the distance between them. He would confidently stroke Jaehyun’s arm and giggle at his compliment as he brushes a strand of hair out of his eyes. But the Taeyong in this universe doesn’t. He can’t. Taeyong is just about to open his mouth to ask Jaehyun something mundane about the weather or about their shared Trigonometry class when another one of their peers, Cherie, saunters up to them. Taeyong steels his spine at her presence, preparing for the worst. He doesn’t like Cherie, if only because she has everything he wants for himself. It all just comes so easily, so _naturally_ , to her, and he wonders if life has ever been hard for the girl.

“Jae, baby,” she greets, not hesitating a second before slamming her plump pout to his.

Taeyong watches them kiss like a masochist, shame and longing filling him up as Cherie threads her fingers through Jaehyun’s hair and hikes her leg up around his waist. She moans into Jaehyun’s mouth and that should be the cue for Taeyong to leave, but he has never quite done the appropriate thing in these types of social situations. When they break apart, Taeyong quickly averts his eyes to the floor, pretending to be distracted by the scuff on his shoes.

“Tae, I didn’t see you there,” Cherie says in a sickly sweet tone as she adjusts her dress.

Taeyong gives her a small smile. “You look nice, Cherie,” he compliments.

He doesn’t necessarily want to be nice to her, but he also doesn’t want to cause a scene. Last year, Cherie had befriended Naeun in some shady attempt to get closer to Jaehyun, and while it wasn’t the first time some hopeful girl attempted such a thing, it was the first time it succeeded. Naeun was hurt, rightfully so, and what happened with Cherie is the key reason Taeyong has never told Naeun about his crush. It’s also the reason he started insisting that Naeun come to his house instead of him coming to hers and running the risk of seeing Jaehyun.

“Thanks,” Cherie replies, her gaze taking in Taeyong’s own outfit as she looks him up and down with disdain. “You look… _comfortable_.”

“That’s my best friend. Comfort over high fashion,” Naeun interrupts as she wraps an arm around Taeyong’s shoulders.

Taeyong turns his head to smile at his best friend, noting the rosy glow to her cheeks and the shine in her eyes. Naeun’s inky hair is curled to perfection, and she’s sporting a beautiful white halter top with sleek skinny jeans. To top it all off, she’s even wearing a sash with the words _Birthday Girl_ draped across her torso. Taeyong thinks there’s nothing more Naeun than that though, and it makes him breathe out a laugh.

“Some people don’t have to try hard to look good,” Naeun continues, looking pointedly at Cherie. “Ty is effortlessly pretty.”

To stress her point, Naeun kisses Taeyong’s cheek and squeezes him tighter into her side. He can smell the liquor on her breath as well, so he makes a mental note to watch her drinks for the rest of the night. Cherie looks annoyed at the remark, but Jaehyun snorts while giving Taeyong’s legs another lingering stare that makes his heart flutter. He doesn’t quite understand the relationship between the two, but he does know that they’re fucking. That fact is made very clear by how much Cherie brags about Jaehyun’s cock, but he’s always quick to disrupt rumors of exclusivity. Plus, with the way that Jaehyun is openly checking Taeyong out, it doesn’t seem like there really is anything deeper to them than fucking on a regular basis.

“Naeun, I’m ready to fucking leave.”

The wicked voice makes every hair on Taeyong’s body stand up, and he recognizes it immediately. Johnny Seo is a dangerous enigma. With black hair as dark as the deepest depths of the ocean, tattoos that cover every inch of his arms and chest, and a hardened expression, everything about Johnny practically screams to run as far away as one possibly can. So, naturally, of course, Naeun had made him her boyfriend much to her brother’s annoyance. Jaehyun is extremely overprotective, but Taeyong has always assumed it was because of their absentee parents. It’s like Jaehyun feels a sense of responsibility when it comes to taking care of his sister.

Taeyong can’t even count the amount of times that Jaehyun has texted him over the years to make sure Naeun has arrived at his house safely or even requested updates on their whereabouts. Sometimes, he wonders if Jaehyun lets his sister host parties at their house just because he feels more comfortable watching over her in their own home.

“But it’s my birthday party.” Naeun giggles, tapping Johnny’s chest with a perfectly manicured hand. “I can’t just leave whenever I want. That would make me an _awful_ host.”

Johnny glances at Taeyong with a haughty expression before his eyes land on Naeun again. “Fuck, I’m over this.” He sighs. “You never let _anything_ stand in the way of a good time, huh?”

“You’re welcome to leave at any time,” Jaehyun cuts in, eyeing Johnny with barely contained anger as Cherie clutches his arm. “I’m not sure what you’re doing at a high school party anyway. Aren’t you pushing thirty?”

“I’m nineteen, dumbass. Same as you,” Johnny replies. “Lucky, too, since I’m not sure you can even count to thirty.”

Jaehyun clenches his jaw, looking every bit like he wants to punch Johnny in the face. “Why don’t you do everyone a favor and leave? I don’t know what the fuck my sister even sees in you.”

Johnny and Jaehyun have been in the competitive surfing circuits ever since the two of them could walk, and it definitely shows in the way they interact with one another. Their rivalry is nearly a decade old and runs bone-deep, but Taeyong isn’t so sure that’s the cause of all their animosity. He isn’t even sure Johnny dating Jaehyun’s sister is the cause for it, either. Though he knows it has a lot to do with it.

“I don’t think you wanna know what your sister likes about me. Your girlfriend might get ideas and decide she wants a real man for a change.”

“Johnny,” Naeun hisses in warning.

“Come on, your brother’s right for once. I can’t just stand here and watch you drink your body weight in alcohol.” 

“I’m not leaving,” Naeun argues as she crosses her arms over her chest and stomps her foot like a petulant child. “I haven’t even gotten the chance to shake my ass with my best friend. If you wanna go, then go! There’s nothing stopping you. I just wanted _one_ night to let loose, and I’m not letting you ruin this for me.”

Naeun gives Johnny a pointed look, as if there’s more to this conversation that the rest of them aren’t privy to, but it’s not a surprise in the slightest. The two of them are always fighting. It’s never-ending. And if it’s exhausting for those around them, then Taeyong doesn’t even want to think about what it’s like for the two actually involved.

“Fine,” Johnny says, scowling at her. “Have another drink then, _babe_. I don’t have any reason to fucking care anymore.”

Naeun lets out a huff and grabs Taeyong’s wrist, tugging him towards the living room where a makeshift dance floor is set up. Out of the corner of his eye, he catches sight of Jaehyun grabbing Cherie and leading her upstairs, probably wanting to let out some of his own frustrations. The last thing Taeyong wants to do is dance, but he gives in anyway, eager to get his mind off of everything and eager to avoid another showdown between Johnny and Naeun. They always end up in this continuous and predictable cycle; fight, fuck, burn the world down, and repeat. They’ve only been together for six months, but Taeyong has heard so much about their gloriously angry makeup sex that he wonders if Naeun pisses him off just because she enjoys the reconciliation.

Naeun spins Taeyong around, then starts shaking her hips, pressing her tight body against his as she tosses her head back and laughs. Taeyong awkwardly shuffles along with her, and someone hands Naeun another drink in the middle of their back and forth. She loses herself in guzzling the burning liquid, and once the cup is empty, she tosses it on the ground without a care in the world.

“Thank you for coming tonight,” Naeun says as she wraps her arms around Taeyong’s neck. “I know you’d rather be doing just about anything else, but I’m glad you’re here. I needed this.”

“You know I’d do anything you asked me to,” Taeyong replies with a small smile as he brushes a rogue strand of hair out of her face.

Naeun grins. “That’s cause you’re the best. My bestest friend in the whole entire world. No matter what,” she slurs. Taeyong is about to ask her just how much she’s had to drink when a crash sounds to his right. They both turn to look at the commotion and see two guys from the football team start throwing punches. “Shit!” Naeun curses as another guy joins in. “Can you go get Jaehyun? I’ll find Johnny.”

Taeyong nods eagerly, desperate to get away from the violence before it escalates any further. Naeun sprints towards the kitchen and Taeyong does the same in the direction of the stairs, taking the steps two at a time to get away from the quickly unfolding scene. As he rounds the banister at the top, he starts shouting Jaehyun’s name while heading towards his bedroom at the end of the hall. Another shattering of glass echoes from downstairs, accompanied by a scream, but he doesn’t stop to wonder what exactly is transpiring. Taeyong’s feet move faster to get to Jaehyun, and he’s so eager to get the hell out of there that he doesn’t bother to knock. He just barges right into his room without a second thought.

The first thing his eyes land on is Cherie’s black heels with their bright red soles facing him. She’s kneeling, her legs crossed at the ankles and hair falling in beautiful waves down her back. Taeyong blinks, and his gaze finds Jaehyun with his head thrown back in ecstasy, teeth sunk into the plush pillow of his bottom lip as he thrusts down her throat. It’s one thing to know that Jaehyun is fucking desirable girls on the regular, but a completely different thing entirely to witness it firsthand.

“Shit,” Taeyong croaks, unable to stop himself, and Jaehyun’s attention snaps to the intruder.

Jaehyun’s eyes widen in shock, but he doesn’t stop. He keeps his hand on the back of Cherie’s head and continues to fuck her mouth as Taeyong stands there completely transfixed. It’s wrong. _So damn wrong_. But he stands there like an idiot, watching with his mouth hanging open as his best friend’s brother eyes him. Molten heat pools between Taeyong’s legs, and he squirms on the spot when his own cock twitches in interest. Jaehyun’s grunts fill the room, and with Cherie’s back to him, she doesn’t realize that Taeyong is getting a front-row seat to the dirty show Jaehyun is putting on.

“That’s right, baby,” Jaehyun praises, though his eyes are on Taeyong and twinkling with mischievousness. “Choke on that cock.”

Cherie mumbles in what Taeyong assumes is enthusiasm as he brings a hand to his neck and rubs his nape. He can feel himself growing flushed with embarrassment, but, still, he doesn’t leave. He listens to Jaehyun’s dirty words as he eventually comes down Cherie’s throat, and he continues to stand there even when she wipes her lips and thanks him. Taeyong feels paralyzed, completely enraptured and tainted with this push and pull simmering with wrongness between them.

“What the fuck?” Cherie shrieks, bringing Taeyong back to Earth.

Taeyong’s cheeks flame as he stutters through an explanation. “Naeun sent me up here. There’s a fight downstairs and she needs help.”

Jaehyun quickly pulls his pants up, rushing through his movements with charming protectiveness, lust wholly gone from his system.

“Were you watching us?” Cherie asks, but Taeyong doesn’t even need to answer because when her gaze falls, he knows she can see his arousal. “You fucking pervert!”

“Shut up, Cherie,” Jaehyun sneers.

He dives past her and grabs Taeyong’s wrist, dragging him through his bedroom door and down the stairs. The fight in the living room is now in full swing, but before Jaehyun moves to intervene, he pushes Taeyong against the wall and places his lips right against his ear.

“We’ll talk about this later, Ty,” he whispers.

“There’s nothing to discuss,” Taeyong retorts, but it only earns him a wide, boyish grin in response.

Their moment — if it can even be called that — is interrupted, though, when another crash followed by screams and shouts breaks out. Jaehyun whips around in an instant and dives into the jumble of fists, and Taeyong hurries in the opposite direction towards the front door. Before he can reach it, Naeun emerges from the crowd and rushes over to him. Her mascara is smeared in a way that looks like she’s been crying, her hair is a mess, and her shirt is soaking wet. She looks a little ill even, and Taeyong swears there’s remnants of vomit at the corners of her mouth.

“Someone called the cops!” Naeun yells, trying to be heard over all the commotion. “Go outside and find Johnny. He’ll take you home.”

“Come with me,” Taeyong pleads, unwilling to just leave her behind.

“Jaehyun is here, and you know I can’t let that asshole get in trouble without me.” Naeun grins.

“I’ll help you,” Taeyong offers.

“We don’t have time, _please_ ,” Naeun says as she pushes at Taeyong’s shoulders. “Go. I’ll call you!”

Taeyong nods and squeezes her hand. “Be safe,” he yells.

Naeun disappears as she calls out Jaehyun’s name and Taeyong finally makes his way to the door, squeezing by everyone else who has the same idea as him. Once he’s outside, he can hear the faint sounds of police sirens in the distance, and he scrambles through the grass in an attempt to find his ride.

“Johnny!” he screams. “Johnny!”

Taeyong really wouldn’t put it past Naeun’s boyfriend to bail without a single thought about anyone else; he’s always seemed like the type to only worry about himself. Taeyong rounds the house, slipping on the grass slightly as he yells out his name again. More partygoers continue to filter out of the house, climbing into their cars and speeding off. Crunching metal and laughter meets his ears, and once against the wood siding of Naeun’s house, Taeyong turns to see that two vehicles have collided. Everything around him is in chaos and he becomes more desperate to get out of there by the second.

“Johnny!” he tries again as he hugs his middle in a poor attempt at comforting himself.

Taeyong looks around, but it’s so dark he can barely see anything. The clouds overhead veil the moon and blue and red lights flash down the road as drunk teens trip over each other on the way to their vehicles, giggling and gossiping. Finding Johnny in this mayhem feels entirely impossible, and Taeyong isn’t even sure he wants to anyway. Johnny had been drinking, as far as he’s aware, and Taeyong guesses that he wouldn’t exactly be open to taking secondhand orders from his girlfriend’s best friend, either.

He didn’t want to come to this party in the first place, but Taeyong also never imagined it would end with voyeurism and arrests. He swallows a furious ball of anxiety over leaving Naeun and reluctantly starts heading towards his house. He has to keep reminding himself that she wants to stay with Jaehyun and that it’s pointless for the both of them to go down for underage drinking. Taeyong’s parents would kill him, while Naeun’s would probably just shrug their shoulders and pay the cops off. It definitely wouldn’t be the first time it’s happened.

Taeyong’s place is fifteen minutes away by car, but it will take him much longer to walk those same roads. However, there is a beautiful nature preserve with a path that he and Naeun used to ride their bikes through when they were kids that will cut his walk home in half. The trees will also hide him from view in case any cops decide to look for stragglers. Deciding that may be his best bet, he makes his way over to the tree line. But just as he’s about to enter it, a truck pulls up beside him and rolls the window down. Taeyong smells him before he sees him, the powerful scent of Marlboro Reds assaulting his senses.

“Naeun would kill me if I let you walk home by yourself,” Johnny states from behind the steering wheel. “Plus, it’s not safe. Lots of drunk assholes wandering around in these woods.”

“Is that your way of offering me a ride?” Taeyong asks, shifting his body to face him.

Johnny gives him a tight nod in response, and after weighing his current options, Taeyong pulls open the door and hops in the passenger seat. The moment he’s inside the vehicle, Johnny doesn’t even wait for him to settle or buckle in, he just presses his foot on the accelerator and speeds off.

“That was a fucking mess,” Johnny complains, hugging the curve of the winding road. “Did Naeun get out?”

“I’m not sure,” Taeyong replies. “She went to find Jae.”

“Of course she did,” Johnny snorts bitterly. “This was so damn stupid. I hate when Naeun gets all destructive and decides to drown out her problems with bullshit keggers. I’m surprised you even go to them.”

Taeyong shrugs. “It’s her birthday, so who can fault her for wanting to celebrate? You know as well as I do that whatever Naeun wants, she gets.”

“I’m not so sure about that anymore,” Johnny mumbles. “You can only push people so fucking far before they finally snap.”

Taeyong’s forehead creases as his brows furrow and he looks over at Johnny. The glow of his radio is reflecting off of his clenched fists, which are gripping the steering wheel so tight Taeyong is sure Johnny’s knuckles have turned white, but he still has no idea what exactly he’s alluding to. He just knows that Johnny is obviously pissed off, and it doesn’t seem as though it’s entirely over Naeun’s party, either.

“Are we still talking about the party? Or something else?”

“I’m talking about something that’s none of your fucking business.”

Taeyong rolls his eyes, having gotten used to Johnny’s irritable behavior over the last few months. But his macho display of alpha-male posturing doesn’t exactly fool him, either.

“Everything about Naeun is my fucking business,” Taeyong snaps back.

“Is that why you have a constant hard-on when you’re around Jaehyun?”

Taeyong’s face flushes, and he quietly thanks whatever higher power is out there that they’re in the dark cabin of Johnny’s truck so he can’t see the evidence of embarrassment dancing across his cheeks.

“Fuck you, Johnny,” he says quietly.

“You could do so much better than him.”

“It doesn’t matter. I don’t even like him,” Taeyong lies.

“Right. You just stare longingly at him for shits and giggles, huh?”

“Why do you care? You don’t know me.”

“I know you better than you think,” Johnny argues. “I’ve seen how you are when we’re all together. Tell me this: why are you friends with Naeun? Huh? I mean, really. You’re complete opposites. She’s, like, the star of the show, and you’re always hiding behind the curtain. It’s fucking weird. Don’t you ever get tired of it?”

His question catches Taeyong off guard, and he mulls it over in his head for a moment. Nights like this one in particular make the differences between him and Naeun seem way more daunting, but Taeyong still loves her. That’s all that really matters, right?

“You know how it is. Naeun is like this force of nature. She sucks you in and you can’t help but want to be around her. She just draws you into everything she is.”

Johnny frowns. “Yeah, well, hurricanes are also forces of nature and look at how destructive they can be.”

Taeyong feels a surge of protectiveness for Naeun wash over him at Johnny’s words as they turn onto his quiet street, the sound of his truck much louder in the night. He doesn’t like what her boyfriend is insinuating. And despite being fairly reserved, Taeyong wants to make sure Johnny knows he can’t just say whatever he wants and get away with it. 

“Careful. That’s my best friend you’re talking about,” Taeyong reminds him.

Johnny doesn’t reply as he pulls his truck over on the side of the road in front of Taeyong’s house, and the latter hops out. Taeyong turns to look back at him, sucking in a deep breath as he wills himself to be cordial to Johnny. He did give him a ride home when he didn’t need to, after all.

“Thanks for the ride. If you talk to Naeun, can you remind her to call me? Or, if not, just let her know I’ll take her shift at the surf shop tomorrow. I’m sure she’ll still be nursing a nasty hangover in the morning.”

Johnny just stares at Taeyong for a lingering moment, his eyes revealing nothing about his thoughts. Vaguely, he reminds Taeyong of lake water; calm, still, and unable to see what murky secrets are hidden beneath the surface.

“Sure,” Johnny agrees. “And, uh, I’m sorry for what I said. It’s really none of my business, but I’m just worried about you.”

His confession takes Taeyong by surprise, but he nods anyway with a small smile. “No need to worry. I’m fine.”

He doesn’t wait for a reply this time as he slams the door, and Johnny tears off down the road just a moment later, the rumbling from his engine loud enough to wake the entire neighborhood. Taeyong watches as he disappears around the corner, a shiver wracking his body from the slight chill in the air and reminding him that he’s still standing outside. Taeyong blows out a breath before spinning around to face his house. He briefly prays that the noise of Johnny’s truck hasn’t woken up his parents as he shuffles across the walkway to his front door. It’s not like neither his mom nor his dad will care about him being out late, but he tries his best not to worry them too much regardless. 

Taeyong digs his keys out of his pocket, then noiselessly slides them into the lock and makes sure the door closes behind him with only a quiet click once he’s inside. Avoiding any of the creaky stairs, he tiptoes up to his bedroom and slips inside with ease. Pressing one foot against the other, he slips off his worn boat shoes, then peels off his socks. He kicks both to the side and pads across the room to his dresser where he places his phone down. He rids himself of his shirt and shorts, tossing them into his nearby hamper, then redresses in a pair of light pajamas. Grabbing his phone, he jumps onto his bed and burrows into his blankets.

He decides to send Naeun a quick goodnight text before scrolling through his social media accounts until he feels the inevitable exhaustion finally take hold of him. When he can’t hold his eyes open any longer, he puts his phone on silent, then closes his eyes to hopefully drift off to dreamland. However, all he sees are images of Cherie deep throating Jaehyun. The scene invades the back of his eyelids and sends a surge of heat to pool in the pit of his stomach. He can’t stop thinking about it and how he wants to be the one to cause that blissed-out look on Jaehyun’s face. The way he threw his head back and bit his lip plays on a loop in Taeyong’s mind and has his cock filling in an instant. 

Taeyong reaches down and rubs his hand over the bulge in his briefs, trapping the inside of his cheek between his teeth so he doesn’t moan at the build-up of pleasure. He hears Jaehyun’s voice inside his head, telling Cherie to choke on his cock, but the words are directed at him only. If he wasn’t so tired, he would probably finger himself, but he finds that it’s too much work. Next time, though. He has way too much material now to let it go to waste. Slipping his hand underneath his waistband, he pushes the elastic down until it’s settled underneath his balls and wraps a hand around his shaft.

Taeyong thinks about Jaehyun’s clenching muscles as he fucked Cherie’s mouth, and his hand moves in the same rhythm as he had done with her. He tugs at his cock a few times, but even with his precome, the glide is too dry. Reaching up, Taeyong spits into his palm, then quickly takes his cock in hand again. It helps somewhat, but not enough for his liking. Though, he decides to just deal with it because he’s not about to dig out his lube, either. Rubbing a hand over his tip, he gathers more precome and slides his fingers up and down until the motions get smoother. A moan gets stuck in the back of his throat at the feel, and he squeezes his balls as his hips raise from the mattress slightly.

He chokes back another moan as he envisions the moment where Jaehyun realized Taeyong was watching, yet didn’t stop his own ministrations. Taeyong’s hand picks up speed, his orgasm building higher and higher as he fucks his fist. He pictures Jaehyun’s hooded eyes, his mischief, his excitement, and all it takes is a few more tugs before Taeyong explodes, back arching in bliss with Jaehyun’s name on his lips. He strokes himself through his orgasm, legs jerking and muscles spasming as his chest rises and falls in exertion.

He blows out a breath, limbs becoming heavy with exhaustion as his eyelids flutter open and he looks down at the mess he’s made of himself. He groans, throwing his head back on the pillow as he unwraps his sticky fingers from around his cock. Now that his high is starting to fade, he feels absolutely disgusting. And for more reasons than one. Kicking away his sheets, he forces himself out of bed and into the bathroom so that he can clean himself up and get a good night’s rest.

  
❦

  
**ENTRY 002**   
_Obscurité_

I’ve been afraid of the dark since I was a little girl, and I’m sure if I ever went to a therapist, they would tell me some bullshit about how my daddy and mommy issues left me to always seek comfort in those that shined as bright as torches. Even if they were no good for me. I couldn’t help but be attracted to _him_ , though. He was like a tall, proud lighthouse, and I swear he knew the effect he had on me. I still remember the first time we kissed, standing on the beach with the sun beating down on our backs and the sound of the ocean roaring to our right.

My feet were buried in the sand, masking the curl of my toes, and my best friend was just a few feet away. He didn’t see the way our lips collided, didn’t see the angry way my beacon of light took without question, cupping my breast and pinching my nipple through the flimsy bikini I wore. The one I wore just for him. Neither of them saw what I did, though. He didn’t notice how I kept tabs on his every move.

And Taeyong didn’t see how he kept his eyes open the entire time, watching him from afar.

\- Naeun

“Wasn’t Naeun supposed to work the morning shift?”

Taeyong clears his throat at his father’s question as he pours himself a glass of orange juice and grabs a granola bar. He turns around to greet him, smiling cautiously. He was out pretty late last night and isn’t sure if his dad is angry about it. It’s not as if he has a set curfew or anything, but that also doesn’t mean he can push his luck, either.

“She wasn’t feeling too well this morning,” Taeyong offers, answering the question as vaguely as possible.

It’s not like it’s the first time he’s covered for Naeun, even though she doesn’t need the job in the first place. The only reason she started working at the surf shop was for the chance to flirt with the local surfers and to hang out with Taeyong. He’s covered Naeun’s shifts for her more times than he can count, though. She definitely approaches work in the same way she does her life — with a carefree spirit and zero accountability.

“So, she’s hungover?” Mr. Lee deadpans. “I noticed you got home late.”

Taeyong chews on the inside of his cheek while fumbling with the granola bar in his hand. “Cops busted the party,” he admits.

Mr. Lee sighs, rubbing a hand over his hair, and Taeyong idly thinks he’s very lucky that he has two parents that trust him implicitly. They have a transparent relationship, and he never feels the need to actually lie to them because it’s rare he does anything to warrant getting in trouble. He barely even has any rules as long as he keeps his grades up and his head on straight, but even they have their limits.

“You need to be more careful, Ty,” Mr. Lee tells him, the annoyance rolling off of him making Taeyong wince. He knows his father has been very stressed lately, and he hates adding to it. “Have you actually heard from Naeun? Or are you just parroting one of your agreed upon excuses?”

Taeyong averts his eyes. “No, I haven’t heard from her,” he confesses. “But I’m sure she’s fine. You know her and Jaehyun get out of everything. She probably just got a slap on the wrist and is sleeping off all the alcohol in her system.”

Mr. Lee blows out a breath as he leans on the kitchen table, his fingers gripping the edge tightly. “Just _please_ be careful. And no more parties for a while, alright?”

Taeyong nods, a little too quickly for it to seem genuine even though it definitely is. He really has no desire to attend another party for a long time. He isn’t even sure if he can look Jaehyun in the eye after what happened last night, and his cheeks flush at the memory of watching Cherie go down on him. It’s safe to say that Taeyong may be avoiding Jaehyun for the rest of his life at this rate. How is he even supposed to face him? The thought alone completely mortifies him, so being confronted with it head on may actually send him into cardiac arrest.

“Okay,” he agrees.

Digging his phone out of his pocket, he checks to see if Naeun has texted him, but he finds nothing. She hasn’t even replied to his text from last night. He knows she’s probably just sleeping, like he told his father, but when he checks her social media accounts, he finds that she hasn’t updated there, either. Which is really odd for someone like Naeun who takes pictures of herself every morning after she wakes up, then proceeds to blow up Taeyong’s phone with memes she found while trying to fall asleep the night before. Making his way back to his messages, he pulls up Naeun’s contact and taps out another.

`TAEYONG`   
`morning sunshine!!!`

Mr. Lee tugs at his collar and coughs, causing Taeyong to look up. There’s an awkward tension around them, and he absolutely hates it. With the recent appearance of a bigger surf shop in town, both his parents have been running themselves to death just to keep their heads above water, and the cracks are definitely starting to show. Giving his father a small smile, Taeyong tucks his phone away and takes a sip of his juice.

“Your mother is working an extra shift at the hospital tonight,” he tells him, though it isn’t exactly surprising news. “I spent all night sorting through some new gear though, and I figured we could test some of it out today. You game?”

“Yeah,” Taeyong replies, smile broadening. “I’d love to.”

“Great,” Mr. Lee says as he gathers his things. “I’ll meet you at the shop a little later, then. Have a good day, bud.”

It’s two hours into Taeyong’s shift and he’s already doing inventory because he’s on the verge of dying from boredom. Nobody ever really comes into the shop this early in the morning because most avid surfers are already on the water at sunrise. Tourists trickle in sporadically, but since it’s a Saturday morning, most of them are sleeping off hangovers from the previous night. So, when Taeyong hears the bells on the door chime, signaling that someone has entered, he’s a little surprised. Looking up from the pile of sea turtle keychains he’s in the middle of counting, he finds that the customer is none other than Jaehyun. He’s looking around the shop, almost frantically, when his eyes meet Taeyong’s, and the latter has to fight to keep his blush at bay as images from the night before flood his vision. There goes his plan of avoiding Jaehyun like the plague. 

“Have you seen Naeun?” he asks, skipping over any pleasantries. “She’s supposed to be working this shift, right?”

“I haven’t seen her,” Taeyong says. “And I told Johnny to let her know last night that I would cover her shift this morning.”

“So, she’s not here? Have you talked to her? Do you know where she is?” Jaehyun questions, firing his concerns off rapidly.

Taeyong shakes his head, watching Jaehyun fidget and taking note of the black circles under his eyes. It looks like he hasn’t slept at all. “No, she’s not here. I haven’t even spoken to her since last night,” he replies. “What’s going on?”

“Can you just check your phone again?” Jaehyun asks, pushing a hand through his hair.

Taeyong gives a curt nod as he reaches into his pocket for his phone and checks to see if he has any missed calls or messages from Naeun. Just like last time he checked, though, there’s nothing. Still no updates on social media, either, and it’s not like Naeun to go off the grid like this. She’s the type to share every meal on her page and the type to think her friends are mad at her if over three hours go by without a text.

“Nothing,” Taeyong murmurs. “You don’t think something happened, do you?”

“I don’t know. Maybe? But probably not. It wouldn’t be the first time she slept off a hangover or disappeared for a couple of days. She usually at least texts me to let me know she’s all right, though. I even tried calling Johnny, but he didn’t answer. She could be with him, but I just… I have this weird feeling. It’s not like her to not check in.”

“You didn’t see her last night? After the party got shut down, I mean?”

Jaehyun anxiously pinches the skin at his throat before tossing Taeyong a tight smile. “Cherie and I disappeared for a bit.”

“Ah,” Taeyong replies, brows raising slightly. That’s definitely not an avenue he wants to explore in any way, especially not after what happened between them.

“I was hoping she’d be here, but I should’ve known better. I think, sometimes, she enjoys telling people she has a job more than she likes actually working.”

Taeyong laughs. “Amen to that. She does bring in lots of customers, though. She has quite the fan club.”

A smile slowly lifts the corners of Jaehyun’s mouth. “I doubt they come just for her.”

Taeyong feels heat spread across his cheeks, as is the norm when he’s around Jaehyun, and he looks away to give off the illusion that he’s continuing to count inventory. “You’re right. My dad _is_ a legend around here, so I’m sure they come for him, too. If I had to guess, though, I’d say she’s definitely with Johnny. You know how those two are. He took me home last night, but he could’ve very well went back for Naeun. They were arguing at the party and probably wanted to make up properly.”

Jaehyun cringes. “I’m convinced she’s dating him just to piss me off, but you’re probably right. I’m just worried, I guess.” He sighs. “Last I saw her, she said she was gonna check on you. How did you get out anyway?”

“Was gonna cut through the woods by your house to avoid the main road, but I ran into Johnny and he offered me a ride instead.”

“Fuck,” Jaehyun grumbles. “No way. I’m glad you’re okay, just sorry that you had to go with that asshole. I would’ve driven you home if I wasn’t busy breaking up that fight. Last night was insane.” 

Jaehyun challenges Taeyong with his stare, as if he’s prompting him to comment on just how _insane_ things had gotten. Taeyong honestly wants to forget all about it, but he also knows he needs to just suck it up and get all of this weirdness out of the way.

“Look,” Taeyong starts, swallowing hard, “about last night…”

“What about it?” Jaehyun interrupts, that signature mischievous smile of his making itself known.

“I’m sorry. I was just—”

“Curious?” Jaehyun offers. “Curiosity isn’t a bad thing, Ty.”

He leans over the counter, his face just inches from Taeyong’s, and the latter bashfully tucks a piece of his blond hair behind his ear. “It was…”

“Hot?” Jaehyun answers for him again. “You can say it. Did you enjoy watching us? Did you like how I fucked her mouth?”

The brash and blunt way Jaehyun says it shocks Taeyong, and his mouth parts as any sort of reply he can muster gets stuck in his throat. Jaehyun has never spoken like that around him before, but he also supposes that they’ve never been in this kind of situation before, either. 

“It was inappropriate of me, I’m sorry,” Taeyong apologizes, effectively ruining the mood.

Jaehyun lets out a slow exhale, staring at him with playful eyes for a moment longer before pulling away. “No worries, I’m happy to give you a show any time.” He winks. “I guess I’m gonna head back to the house and see if she showed up, but if you hear from her, will you please let me know? I’m sure you’re right, that she’s just being Naeun and sleeping it off or something, but I’m still worried. I’d bet she’s even fucking with me since I brought Cherie last night, but it was my birthday, too, you know?”

Taeyong nods. “Got it. If you find her before I do, be sure to let me know.”

“Will do,” Jaehyun says, sending Taeyong one last smile before he heads towards the door. “Catch you later.”

He throws his hand up in a wave, then exits the shop, leaving Taeyong alone to worry about Naeun. Even though he had been trying to convince Jaehyun that she is fine, Taeyong was also trying to convince himself. Chewing on his lip, Taeyong retrieves his phone and tries calling Naeun, but it just goes straight to voicemail. _Again_. The girl practically lives on seven percent battery life though, so he figures maybe her phone is just dead. As he makes his way back to his messages to confirm he hasn’t missed anything, the bells on the door chime again and break him out of the spell of searching for any trace of Naeun.

“Hi, peanut,” Mr. Lee greets cheerfully as he strolls in.

“Hey, Dad. Have you heard from Naeun by any chance?”

“No. Thought you said she was sleeping off a hangover.”

“That’s what I thought,” Taeyong says. “But I’m starting to get really worried. Jae just came in looking for her, and I haven’t heard a single peep out of her since the party. It’s not like her.”

Mr. Lee’s smile fades and concern takes its place. “Are you positive she’s not just crashing with another friend or something? She might not have woken up yet.”

“Yeah, I’m sure you’re right,” Taeyong mumbles. “Jae went to look for her.”

“Let’s try not to worry about it too much until you hear from Jaehyun, okay?” Mr. Lee tries. “How about we go catch a quick wave to distract you until he calls?”

“I’d love to, Dad, but I don’t think I’d be able to concentrate. I’d feel better knowing where Naeun is,” he says, knowing how dangerous it is to surf when he’s not focused. “Would you mind taking over the shop for a bit so I can go look for her? I bet she’s passed out at Johnny’s, but I wanna make sure.”

Mr. Lee frowns. “I don’t like you spending time with Johnny. I’ve heard too many bad things about him.”

Taeyong rolls his eyes. His father has had an issue with Johnny ever since Naeun invited him to one of their annual cookouts, but Taeyong guesses he can’t really blame him. Johnny has danger practically seeping from his pores.

“I’m not spending time with him, just looking for Naeun. Please?”

“Fine,” Mr. Lee grumbles, pressing his lips into a thin line as he crosses his arms over his chest.

“Thank you! Can I borrow the Jeep?”

“Sure. I expect you to be back in an hour, though.”

Taeyong circles around the counter and gives his father a grateful hug. When he pulls away, Mr. Lee fishes his keys out of his pocket and hands them over to his son. “Thanks, Dad. I’ll be right back!”

He doesn’t waste any more time as he jogs out the door and right over to the Jeep. He slides into the front seat of the vehicle, sticking the key into the ignition and starting it as he buckles himself in. Taeyong hopes that Naeun is up to her usual antics and that he finds she’s just cashing in on some waves and orgasms because he doesn’t know what the hell he’ll do otherwise.

Johnny lives in a converted school bus on the beach, so it doesn’t take long for Taeyong to track him down. After graduation last year, he bought it from a retired couple and refurbished it into a tiny house he could park wherever he wanted. Taeyong specifically remembers Naeun going on and on about how good Johnny was with his hands, sighing blissfully while she discussed the flooring she helped him pick out and the leather couch they found at a thrift store. Johnny lives a simple life, but Taeyong thinks that’s why Naeun loves him so much. Her life is all dinner parties and designer clothes, so her seeking out a change of pace isn’t all that surprising to anyone. Least of all to Taeyong.

As he pulls up to where Johnny has his home set up, Taeyong looks all around the teal blue bus in search of Naeun’s car, but he doesn’t see it anywhere. That doesn’t necessarily mean anything, though, because Naeun _was_ drunk and she would never drive inebriated. Putting the Jeep into park, Taeyong kills the engine and hops out. He strolls over to the door and knocks, tapping his foot impatiently while he waits for an answer. He raps his knuckles against the metal a few more times before frowning when no one shows up to greet him. Standing on his tiptoes, he peers into the windows, searching for any sign that Johnny and Naeun are inside, but there are no lights or sounds coming from the bus. Huffing, Taeyong turns to face the ocean, raising a hand to shield his eyes from the sun as he scans the beach.

It only takes a few seconds for him to spot Johnny riding a perfect wave, and after checking his phone to make sure he still has time, Taeyong shuffles his way through the sand down towards the water. Raising both arms into the air, Taeyong waves them back and forth while calling out Johnny’s name. He knows it’ll be almost impossible for the other to see or hear him, but he keeps trying regardless. When that doesn’t work, however, he places two fingers into his mouth and whistles loudly, watching as Johnny’s head whips over to him from a distance. Even from Taeyong’s spot on the beach, he can see the confusion on Johnny’s face as he paddles back to shore.

“Taeyong? What’re you doing here?” Johnny asks as he walks out of the water, board tucked under his arm.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to just drop by unannounced, but I wanted to see if Naeun was with you?”

Johnny gestures to the ocean at his back. “Do you see her here?” he questions, sarcasm dripping from his tone.

He runs his fingers through his wet hair, pushing it back from his face, and Taeyong can’t help but to drink in the sight. Johnny looks like a God out here, with the sun glittering off the water droplets on his tan skin. But he refuses to find him attractive. As his best friend’s boyfriend, Johnny is strictly off limits. And Taeyong refuses to let his mind go there out of respect for Naeun. However, out here with the crashing waves and heat, there’s no denying the power in Johnny’s presence.

“Please, drop the attitude. Just for one second. Nobody has seen or heard from Naeun since the party, and I’m really worried. Do you know where she is?”

“I haven’t seen her since last night. After I dropped you off, I went straight home. We were fighting at the party, remember?”

Taeyong’s heart practically climbs up his throat. “What?” he chokes out.

“Fuck,” Johnny grumbles. “She wasn’t arrested, was she?”

“No. Jae would’ve known if that were the case,” Taeyong replies as he retrieves his phone and dials Jaehyun.

It only rings once before he answers. “Did you find her?”

“No. I’m at Johnny’s, but she’s not here. Jae, I seriously think we need to go to the police.”

“Fuck. My parents are in LA right now. They’re gonna kill me.” Jaehyun sighs, and it makes Taeyong seethe just a tiny bit. He really doesn’t care about Jaehyun possibly getting into trouble, not when Naeun is missing.

“I don’t care where your parents are,” Taeyong voices. “You need to call the police. It’s been nearly twelve hours since anyone’s seen or spoken to her.”

“Yeah, yeah. Okay. I’ll call,” Jaehyun agrees. “Fuck!”

His sudden outburst causes Taeyong to jerk the phone away from his ear and his eyes find Johnny, who has already thrown on a shirt and is stomping over to his truck.

“I’m gonna drive around downtown. Maybe she went shopping,” Johnny calls out over his shoulder. “Call me if you hear anything.”

Taeyong nods, realizing that the other line has already gone dead. Jogging up the beach, Taeyong yanks open the door to the Jeep and climbs in as he dials his father’s number. All he gets in return, though, is his voicemail. He can’t possibly go back to work, however, so he decides to leave a message. Sometimes, it’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission.

“Dad,” he begins, cranking the ignition, “Naeun wasn’t with Johnny. I don’t know where she is. Jaehyun is gonna call the cops, so I’ll let you know more when I find out anything, but right now I need to look for her. I’m sorry. I’ll head back in as soon as I can.”

After hanging up, he throws his phone down into the center console and peels away. Taeyong has one destination in mind: Naeun’s house. It’s the last time anyone remembers seeing her, so maybe there’s something there that will give them some clue as to where she went. It doesn’t take Taeyong nearly as long as it should to get from Johnny’s to Naeun’s because he’s speeding the entire time, and when he pulls into the driveway, his breath catches at the sight of her car parked in its usual spot. A little sliver of hope shines through, and while he wants so badly to believe Naeun is upstairs sleeping off an interminable night, he has to remind himself that just because her car is here doesn’t mean she is.

Taeyong barely has the Jeep shut off before he’s hopping out and practically flying to the front door. He knows Jaehyun isn’t home, but he’s had a key to the Jungs’ house ever since they were little, so he can get inside regardless. As he runs up the steps to the wraparound deck, however, movement catches his eye and stops him in his tracks.

“Cherie?” he questions, causing the girl to jump in place where she had been peering through the window.

“Taeyong? What’re you doing here?”

“I’m looking for Naeun, what are _you_ doing here?”

“Looking for Jae. He’s not answering his phone, and I left my stilettos here last night. Sexy as hell, but not exactly the best getaway shoes,” Cherie answers as Taeyong unlocks the door with trembling fingers. “So, did you enjoy last night? I mean, I didn’t take you for a creeper, but I guess crazier things have happened.”

Taeyong keeps his head down as he pushes open the door and motions Cherie inside. If Naeun were here, she would have ripped Cherie a new one, but Taeyong has never been good at standing up for himself. His anxiety is constant, like a snake wrapped around his throat. And, oftentimes, it keeps him from saying the things he really wants to. He doesn’t have time for the stereotypical mean girl bullshit, but it’s like he can’t escape it, either.

“Does Naeun know you have a crush on her brother? I should’ve told her last night when I saw her, but she was too busy looking for _you_.”

Her words make Taeyong’s ears perk up, and he suddenly forgets all about his embarrassment. “Did you see her during the commotion last night? Where was she? What was she doing? Did you see where she went?”

He takes a step closer to Cherie, but she throws up her hands in a defensive stance to keep him away. “Chill. Are you, like, obsessed with her or something? I saw her, we even spoke for a minute. She said she was gonna cut through the woods and look for you. Asked me to tell Jae, but I was a little preoccupied. We were too busy fucking on the side of the road.”

“Fuck,” Taeyong curses, rushing past Cherie and back to his Jeep.

He steps up onto the side, leaning his body through the open window as he snatches up his phone and quickly sends a text to both Johnny and Jaehyun, relaying the information to them. He doesn’t waste another second as he heads under the shadowed cover of the tall trees and immediately begins searching for Naeun. A million different thoughts swirl through Taeyong’s head and his throat constricts at each one. What if she tripped and hit her head? What if she was too drunk and disoriented? What if she’s lost?

Taeyong follows the familiar path through the trees, calling out Naeun’s name as he goes, yet feeling somewhat optimistic now that he finally has a solid lead on where she may be. Still, he can’t help but be a little anxious about what state he may find her in, so he indulges himself in a fantasy of a safely sleeping Naeun all snuggled up with a squirrel and using leaves for a pillow. Taeyong walks along the path a little longer, but strays when he comes to the grove that he and Naeun used to sit in for hours just talking, laughing, and eating snacks. He goes down into it, but finds no signs that she nor anyone else has been there recently.

Instead of returning to the trail, however, he keeps going further into the trees, his feet crunching over the fallen leaves and twigs that cover the undisturbed Earth. He’s deep enough into the preserve that he can’t even hear the ocean anymore. The only sounds are coming from the rustling through the trees and the occasional bird. The massive branches from the trees bow over his head, creating a thick canopy that effectively blocks out the bright, afternoon sun, and it makes Taeyong feel a tad bit uneasy. Suddenly, after he’s barely taken a few more steps, Taeyong hears yelling in the distance, and he stops in his tracks as he tries to make out what they’re saying. Soon enough, he hears his own name being shouted along with Naeun’s.

“Johnny! Jaehyun! Over here,” he hollers back.

The trio yells back and forth until they eventually meet one another at Taeyong’s secluded spot, and he fills them in on what Cherie told him, just in a little more detail this time than before. Johnny and Jaehyun look at each other and then back at Taeyong, worry written clear as day across their faces. Worried enough that the two of them are here, together, and not ripping each other to shreds.

“I called the cops, but they said they couldn’t do anything until it’s been a full twenty-four hours. They didn’t fucking take it seriously at all,” Jaehyun growls, running a frustrated hand through his hair. “They said that especially with Naeun’s history, she’ll probably be home with a funny story by dinnertime.”

Taeyong looks to Johnny, expecting him to say something, but he doesn’t say a word. He just stands grounded in place with stoicism coating his features as he crosses his arms over his chest. “It’ll be dark before we know it. Especially with just the three of us, we won’t cover much ground before then.”

“Should we split up?” Taeyong asks.

“No,” both Johnny and Jaehyun reply at the same time.

Taeyong sighs. “Then, let’s make a line and just start walking. We can yell for her until it’s dark, then try the police again. Naeun grew up in these groves, it’s not like her to get lost.”

He swallows, very much preferring her being lost to being anything else, no matter how unlikely it may be. Wordlessly, they all fan out and start walking through the wooded area, calling out Naeun’s name and letting the forest swallow their pleas. Jaehyun keeps close to Taeyong, and sweat drips down their bodies, dirt quickly covering their shoes as they get deeper and deeper. Taeyong goes to step over a fallen log, but when he looks down to watch his step, a flash of pink catches his eye and he crouches down to inspect it.

“Jae,” he calls, voice broken and choked with emotion. “Jaehyun, come look.”

Taeyong feels a heavy presence at his back and knows immediately that it’s Johnny based on the angry energy rolling over his skin. Taeyong reaches down, picking up the pink scrunchie, and recognition immediately floods him.

“It’s Naeun’s,” he whispers, as if his voice will break the spell of despair caging him in.

“Fuck,” Johnny grunts. “We’re going back to the police. We need a search team out here.”

Jaehyun jogs over to them, stopping only to stare down at the scrunchie in Taeyong’s hand. “I’m not leaving these woods until I find my sister.”

“You go back,” Taeyong tells Johnny as he stands and pockets the scrunchie. “Jae and I will keep looking. Anyone got anything to mark this area for reference? Just so we know where we found it?”

Jaehyun quickly tears off a strip of his neon surfing tank and ties it to a nearby branch. “There. Let’s keep looking, she’s gotta be close.”

Johnny shakes his head. “No, we need the police. It’s not safe out here, not when we don’t have flashlights or anything.”

“I don’t give a fuck!” Jaehyun yells. “If you don’t care about my sister, you can just take your ass back the way you came. I’m not leaving until we find her.”

Johnny clenches his fist. “Of course I care about Naeun. I’m just trying to be smart about this.”

“Like you were smart last night? Where the fuck were you anyway? Huh?”

“I was driving Taeyong home!” Johnny yells back.

Taeyong pinches the bridge of his nose while listening to them argue. Time is wasting though, and he can’t wait around for them to finish their little pissing contest. Deep down, he knows Johnny is right, but he doesn’t want to leave when it’s clear that Naeun is out here somewhere. The pair continues to yell at one another while Taeyong tries to gather his thoughts, but movement in the distance catches his eye.

“Naeun?” he whispers, taking a step forward.

Johnny and Jaehyun’s voices drone on as he walks, his legs moving forward with heavy trepidation that wholly consumes him. His heart pangs as more movement in the shrubs spurs him forward, and he prays that, by some miracle, it’s just Naeun messing with them. He’ll be pissed, no doubt, but more relieved than anything.

“Ty, stop! It’s just a wild pig,” Jaehyun calls out, having finally realized that the boy has wandered off.

But Taeyong doesn’t stop. Wild pigs are common in this area, known for tearing up farms and fighting with dogs, but he doesn’t understand what it’s doing. Johnny and Jaehyun’s yelling should have scared it off, so why is it still sticking around? Branches crunch beneath his feet, and his fingers tremble. A weird feeling that Taeyong can’t describe washes over him as he slowly approaches the wild animal and shoves thick branches to the side for a better view. Then, in an instant, his world stops. His heartbeat slows, thumping almost painfully in his chest, and it takes all of his strength just to force air in and out of his lungs.

The first thing he sees is blood. _So much blood_.

It coats the pig’s fur, watering the dirt with its thick, curdled, crimson stain. The pig’s mouth is filled with flesh, and underneath the animal, Taeyong can see a pair of pale legs that are too stiff and too still to be that of a living person. Taeyong screams, the terror bubbling up his throat and past his teeth like an exorcism. He swears it even rattles the trees. The sound successfully spooks the wild pig, and his legs shake as he stumbles forward to the grotesque and gory scene laid out before him.

Naeun. 

_Naeun is dead_.

Intestines like snakes are scattered around her, her body mangled and face lifeless. Naeun’s eyes are open and glassy, and her mouth is parted with foam coating her lips. She looks like she’s been picked apart with sharp teeth. Flies swarm her stiff body and the smell nearly has Taeyong emptying the contents of his stomach. He covers his mouth as he falls to the ground, no longer able to hold his body up. Mud and blood and leaves cling to Taeyong’s skin, but he only screams. And screams.

And screams.

And screams.

  
❦

  
**ENTRY 003**   
_Mégère_

Today, he asked me an odd question. _What kind of girl are you_ , he wondered. Though, he knows me better than most. He knows what my tongue tastes like after I’ve eaten an entire chocolate bar, he knows that I scream his name when I come, and he knows that my favorite thing to do is fuck on rainy afternoons. Everything else, all those other details, are unimportant. 

I’m the kind of girl that loves to spill secrets with my body, and he’s always been a willing listener.

What more is there to know?

\- Naeun

It’s been two agonizing, painful weeks since Taeyong had found Naeun’s body, and today is the day they’re finally putting her to rest. He drags himself over to his full-length mirror, making sure he looks as presentable as possible, though he only finds that he’s been seemingly replaced with a lifeless and hollow shell of a boy. His normally sun-kissed skin and rosy cheeks have been replaced with a gaunt, pale face whose eyes are blackened from lack of sleep. How is he ever expected to get any rest when all he can see when he closes his eyes is a wild pig devouring Naeun’s body? He can’t even eat without tasting blood on his tongue, and he can’t move without thinking of her stiff limbs.

Not to mention that it’s also been two long weeks of police interviews and endless questions from the media. Taeyong has repeated the same words about finding Naeun enough times that he’s starting to become numb to them. He doesn’t cry every single time he says it anymore, only every second or third. It’s starting to feel like an endless cycle. The medical examiner had ruled Naeun’s death a homicide about a week ago, but she still hasn’t released the exact cause of death yet. The whole thing just makes mourning Naeun even more painful because they all want answers, but every bit of information is like being spoon-fed with single grains of rice.

The police have been working tirelessly to find leads, but Taeyong just gets the feeling that it’s going to be a long time before they know exactly what happened. Naeun’s cell phone had also mysteriously disappeared, but it couldn’t even be tracked because the GPS was offline. They had also arrested Johnny almost immediately, since he was her boyfriend, but they ended up having to release him after three days due to not having enough evidence to charge him. The only thing they had was his lack of a solid alibi. Taeyong hasn’t been able to process any of it, though. He can’t even think about who may have done such a thing. Not to someone like Naeun, who was loved by everyone she came into contact with. Blowing out a breath, Taeyong finally slips out of his room and makes his way downstairs.

“Mrs. Jung just called,” his mother tells him as soon as he enters the kitchen.

“Oh?” Taeyong asks, voice worn and tired.

“Jaehyun is refusing to go to the funeral and she was hoping you’d go talk to him. She said he took off to the beach,” Mrs. Lee replies, her tone nothing but sympathetic.

Taeyong’s parents were both devastated at losing Naeun as well. She had been like a second child to them, with both of them having known her for practically her entire life. His dad cried almost as much as Taeyong did and would often break down, muttering something about how it could have been his own child, before having to leave the room to compose himself. Taeyong doesn’t think he’s ever seen him so emotional in all his life.

“Okay.” He sighs. “I’ll go get him.”

In truth, Taeyong doesn’t have the energy to drag his best friend’s brother from the depths of his grief and hand deliver him to the funeral when he’s struggling with his own survivor’s guilt. He can’t stop thinking about all the what ifs. What if he had waited for Naeun? What if he had stayed with her? What if he hadn’t accepted that ride from Johnny? He should have been there. With her. But Taeyong knows that Jaehyun needs him right now. He’s always been there for the boy, and he doesn’t plan to stop now. Not when Jaehyun needs him most, not now that Naeun is gone.

Taeyong leaves the house pretty quickly after that, not even greeting his father, who is sitting on the porch, as he grabs his bicycle and starts pedaling towards the beach. The same beach that he, Jaehyun and Naeun used to go to as kids all the time. They would surf all afternoon, then sit in the sand and eat the sandwiches his mother prepared for them. The memories cause tears to well in Taeyong’s eyes, and he allows them to flow freely as he bikes down the road. He tries to force the sight of Naeun’s mangled corpse from his mind, but he’ll never be able to forget how broken her frail body looked. He’ll never forget the way Jaehyun sobbed beside him or how Johnny had to practically drag them out of the woods and to the police station.

Most of all, though, he’ll never forget standing in the shower and watching the blood and dirt flow effortlessly down the drain until it didn’t go down so effortlessly anymore, and he had to scrub the stains, the last of his best friend, off of his body. Taeyong pedals faster, willing all of the morbid thoughts from his mind, until he finally reaches the beach and hops off his bike. He drops it to the sidewalk, and his eyes immediately find Jaehyun’s still form sitting with his feet in the ocean. Taeyong doesn’t even know what to say to him, and he has no idea how he’ll be able to convince Jaehyun to go with him to the funeral when he’s dealing with his own turmoil surrounding that night. He knows he has to at least try though, so he sucks in a deep breath and makes his way over to him.

“I knew they’d send you,” Jaehyun says the moment Taeyong’s body casts a shadow over him.

He silently sits down at Jaehyun’s side and stares out over the water, the bottom of his slacks getting soaked by the tide. Taeyong begrudgingly looks over at him, taking note of his board shorts and sunburnt skin. He wonders just how long Jaehyun has actually been sitting out here.

“You’re not dressed for a funeral,” Taeyong points out quietly.

“That’s because I’m not going to one. Naeun wouldn’t have wanted that.” Jaehyun scowls. “With everyone crying and her body sealed in a casket? No way. She was claustrophobic as hell. She loved the open air.”

“Hasn’t anyone told you?” Taeyong questions, the bitterness seeping through his words. “Funerals are for the living, Jae. Your parents need you there.”

“And where exactly were my parents when she died, huh?” Jaehyun argues while kicking at the wet sand. “We both know they can’t stand to look at me right now. They blame me for what happened. Hell, I blame me, too.”

His voice cracks on the last word, and Jaehyun cradles his face in his hands as he sobs openly. Taeyong would have joined him if he could force himself to, but all his emotions are numb and dried up, leaving him as nothing more than an empty vessel of pain.

“No one blames you,” he whispers.

Taeyong isn’t so sure that’s true, though. Grieving people say terrible things. They like to lash out at the living because they’re around to take the pain, and he can only imagine the things Jaehyun’s parents have said to him over the last couple of weeks. They’ve probably said the same things that Taeyong has been telling himself.

“I hate this,” Taeyong says. “I hate not knowing what happened to her.”

“It has to be Johnny. You saw how emotionless he was when we found her. I doubt the fucker even cried. That psychopath deserves to rot in hell.”

Taeyong squeezes his eyes shut. He hasn’t seen Johnny since Naeun’s death, but he just can’t will himself into believing he did anything to her. He doesn’t understand how _anyone_ could have hurt Naeun. She was the sweetest person he had ever met, the type to save lost dogs on the side of the road and give her lunch to the homeless. None of this makes any sense to him.

“We’ll find whoever did this,” Taeyong promises, though he doesn’t know if it’s one he can keep. Reaching out, he grabs Jaehyun’s hand and the latter tilts his head, staring at where their skin is touching. “Come on. Everyone is waiting.”

“I told you… I’m not going,” Jaehyun replies.

He turns his hand over and squeezes Taeyong’s until his fingers throb. It hurts, but it’s the good kind of pain. It’s the kind that reminds him that there’s still air in his lungs and that his body is still capable of feeling something other than immense grief.

“Fine,” Taeyong says. “Then, I’m not going, either. We’ll have her funeral right here.”

He pulls away from Jaehyun’s harsh grip and stands up. Taeyong feels Jaehyun’s eyes on his back as he brushes his fingers along the friendship bracelet secured around his wrist. He and Naeun had made them for each other a long time ago, back when they were kids and innocent to all the horrors of the world. She was wearing her own the night she died, but it had been one of the things consumed by the wild pig according to the reports of pink beads found in its stomach.

“Do you wanna go first, or should I?”

Jaehyun doesn’t move, so Taeyong walks to the edge of the sand, not even caring when the water washes over his shoes. He stands there silently for a moment, just taking in the sunset, until he feels ready enough to deliver his eulogy to Jaehyun, the ocean, and Naeun.

“Naeun, wherever you are, I hope you can hear me. I love you so much, and I’m so sorry I left you alone that night. I wasn’t there for you when I should have been. You were my best friend, the kind of best friend everyone should have, but I was the lucky one who got you. You were beautiful, strong, fierce. You always defended me and lifted me up in a way that I didn’t know how to do for myself. You helped shape me into the person that I am. You meant the world to me, and I can only hope you knew just how much I loved you. How much I’ll always love you.” Taeyong slides off his bracelet, giving it a gentle squeeze as he places a light kiss to one of the beads. “I love you. Forever.”

Rearing back, Taeyong tosses the bracelet and watches as it soars into the water. Jaehyun stands up and joins him then, reaching for Taeyong’s hand and clasping it tightly. He clears his throat as they both stare out at the waves, wiping the tears from his eyes.

“Naeun, I’m sorry. I should have been there to protect you. I would give anything to do that night over again. I would have gone with you and you would still be here. I’m sorry for being so shitty all the time, for all the stupid fights over nothing. For scaring away the boys you liked, for telling everybody at school that you wet the bed that one time.” He laughs wetly, choking a little on his tears. “I’m sorry for not being a good brother. You deserved better.”

Jaehyun can’t hold back anymore and sobs wrack his body as he falls to his knees on the sand with his head bowed. Taeyong kneels down beside him and wraps his arms around him in what he hopes is a comforting embrace.

“Jae…” he whispers. “It’s not your fault.”

Taeyong holds him tightly, trying to soothe him, but he’s never felt so powerless in his life. In this moment, time feels like nothing but a passing reminder of their loss. It’s a strange sensation, like a strict contract for their grieving souls signed in blood. They say tragedy is like a rope, binding people together tighter than happiness ever could, and Taeyong thinks he understands that now. He and Jaehyun will always share this trauma. They will always share this debilitating loss.

“Ty,” he says, though his voice is so quiet that Taeyong barely hears it. Jaehyun reaches out his thumb and presses it against the corner of Taeyong’s mouth where a stagnant, salty tear is perched on top of his lip. Taeyong blinks and more tears fall. “Please help me find out who killed her. I need you.”

It’s such a tragic fate. Taeyong has always wanted Jaehyun to need him, but now that need feels entirely twisted. “I’ll help you,” he promises.

A sad, brief grin flashes across Jaehyun’s face, and his bright teeth peek through the curtain of his lips like hope. “You’re always there for me, Ty.” 

He leans in closer and Taeyong feels his breath catch. Taeyong is stuck in this numb plane of pain, but Jaehyun’s nearness stirs to life something that makes him feel ashamed and alive all at once. Jaehyun’s lips brush across his jaw, but it all just feels so wrong. This isn’t how Taeyong had always imagined it.

“We’re in this together, just you and me,” Jaehyun whispers.

He closes the distance between them and kisses the tender spot of skin beneath the lobe of Taeyong’s ear before dragging his teeth along the pebbled skin. Taeyong looks up at the sky, feeling locked in Jaehyun’s grip. He’s relieved by his touch, awakened by the whispered promises coaxed over his skin, but that feeling of wrongness still lingers.

“What do you need from me?” Taeyong asks, voice shaky and full of something akin to lust that makes him sick to his stomach.

This is unacceptable and so inappropriate. Somewhere across the island, Naeun is being lowered into the hard dirt and her parents are crying over a hole in the ground with white roses clutched in their fists. All that while Taeyong is essentially making a move on his dead best friend’s brother.

“I need you to get close to Johnny. I need you to find out what happened that night.”

Taeyong blinks, forcing more tears to fall. “What?” he asks, pulling away.

Jaehyun reaches out and grabs his chin, squeezing slightly until pain blooms where his calloused hands touch Taeyong. “I need you to get close to Johnny,” he repeats. “Find out what he did. I know it was him, I just know it.”

“How? How do you want me to do that?”

Jaehyun looks off to the right before bringing his attention back to the boy beside him. “He gave you a ride that night, didn’t he? That means he has to at least care about you a little bit, so get close to him. Do whatever is necessary. We have to do this. For Naeun.” 

Taeyong swallows hard, but he finds it difficult to deny Jaehyun of anything in this moment. No matter if it doesn’t feel right. “Okay.”

Relief washes over Jaehyun’s face and the manic look in his eyes dissipates with Taeyong’s agreement. He threads his fingers through the back of Taeyong’s hair and presses their foreheads together. “I knew I could count on you, Ty,” he whispers softly. “Ty,” he repeats slowly as he brings his lips to Taeyong’s forehead and kisses him gently.

Jaehyun kisses him again and again, trailing his lips down Taeyong’s face and towards his mouth. As soon as their lips brush, it’s like Jaehyun is transformed. He parts the seam with his tongue and practically ravages Taeyong, all traces of tenderness gone in an instant. It’s like Jaehyun is claiming what’s his and doing so greedily. Keeping his strong grip on Taeyong’s hair, he pulls down and exposes his throat. Jaehyun tears his mouth from Taeyong’s, licking and biting as he explores the curve of his neck. Small moans escape Taeyong’s lips every time his teeth drag across his skin, and he loses himself in the moment.

“Tell me you need me,” Jaehyun commands, voice thick with lust. In Taeyong’s haze of desire, he doesn’t seem to answer fast enough for Jaehyun, so the latter pulls his hair harder and repeats himself. “Tell me you need me.”

“I need you,” Taeyong rushes out. “I need you, Jae.”

Satisfied, Jaehyun releases his hair and traces Taeyong’s neck with the tip of his finger, past his collarbone and to his chest. He moves his thumb across Taeyong’s nipple, over the silky fabric of his dress shirt, and everything suddenly comes crashing down. What the hell are they doing? Today is literally Naeun’s funeral — Jaehyun’s sister’s funeral — and they’re sitting on the beach making out. It’s a wonder that God hasn’t stricken them down on the spot.

“Jae, stop,” he breathes, snapping the other out of his frenzy. 

Jaehyun looks confused for a moment, but then realization seems to dawn on him, too, and he quickly jumps to his feet. “I have to go,” he says. “I need to be at the reception for my parents.”

Taeyong can do nothing but nod as he watches Jaehyun’s retreating form practically run up the beach and far away from him. He doesn’t know how he feels or how he’s supposed to feel. He’s wanted Jaehyun for as long as he can remember, but he had always envisioned them going on double dates with Naeun, making out by the bonfire at some beach party, and surfing their days away together. He could have never imagined that the grief over Naeun’s death would lead them to their very first kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Kudos, comments, and any kind of other feedback is always welcome and definitely encouraged. You get an extra thank you for taking the time to do so, but just reading is appreciated and you're still valid! If you'd like to follow me on Twitter, where I sometimes post edits and previews for upcoming fics, then I'll leave the link to that and my Curious Cat account below. 
> 
> My DMs are always open to anyone, no matter if you follow me or not, if you'd like to discuss anything or just need someone to talk to! I also have Discord and am willing to give out my username if you ask. Hope everyone has a nice day, be safe out there!
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> ( [twt](https://twitter.com/icaruswilts) ) / ( [cc](https://curiouscat.me/internetsdad) )


	2. Chapter 2

Taeyong shakes out the wrinkles in his clothes, making his way up to the entrance of the school with a pounding head and exhaustion in his soul. He doesn’t want to go, doesn’t want to face everyone alone, but his parents refuse to let him spend even another second wallowing. He’s already missed a month’s worth of classes, and even though his teachers have been kind enough to send all of his work home so he could stay on track, the administration has also been pressuring him to return. He can’t do distance learning forever, after all. Especially not with him being so close to graduating. Just another milestone in his life he’s no longer looking forward to. One of many that Naeun will never get to experience.

Just thinking about his best friend has his stomach twisting in knots, and he berates himself for never making it to her funeral or the reception afterwards. He just couldn’t bear looking anyone in the eye with the taste of Jaehyun still so fresh on his tongue. Instead, Taeyong had gone home and sobbed into his pillow, not stopping until his mother walked into his room and slipped under the blankets beside him. He never did tell her what happened, isn’t sure he would have been able to speak the words out loud. Mrs. Lee said nothing, though. She just stroked her son’s cheek and cried with him.

Taeyong didn’t deserve her kindness then, and he doesn’t deserve it now. Not ever.

He’s a monster.

Everything is wrong.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Kissing Jaehyun was the worst thing Taeyong could have done. At first, he even tried giving them both excuses: they were hurting, Jaehyun didn’t know what he was doing, Taeyong was lost in emotion, they were sympathetic friends seeking comfort. But none of those excuses made what they did right. Taeyong kissed his dead best friend’s brother and he hates himself for it. 

He can’t even begin to imagine the rest of his life without Naeun. He dreads walking down the halls without her at his side. He doesn’t want to sit in Mrs. Snyder’s English class without Naeun in the desk next to him, twirling her hair. He doesn’t want to take notes, knowing Naeun isn’t there to eventually steal them away to copy later. He doesn’t want to complain about the lunch lady without Naeun there poking fun at him for being dramatic as she picks at her salad. And he doesn’t want to see Jaehyun at his locker without Naeun there to pester him.

Taeyong doesn’t want to do much of anything without his best friend.

But time is a heartless bitch. It moves on without care. Even the island has pretty much gone back to normal, though its inhabitants still gossip and spread rumors about Naeun’s death. Routines have been picked back up and the sun continues to pulse like the broken heart in Taeyong’s chest. 

Sucking in a shaky breath, he moves down the hallway and makes his way towards his locker. He keeps his head down, however, doing his best to ignore the whispers as much as he can. He doesn’t know if the people around him don’t realize he can hear them, or if they just don’t care.

“Do you think Johnny did it?”

“I heard Taeyong just left her all alone at that party.”

“Cherie said Ty left with Johnny. Think they were fucking while Naeun was being murdered?”

Taeyong swallows the lump in his throat as he jerks open his locker, and a fresh wave of tears springs to his eyes when he sees the pinned photograph inside. It’s a picture of himself and Naeun sunbathing on the beach. She looks calm and at peace, the sun wrapping her in light, while Taeyong has a wide grin on his face, cheeks pink from the harsh rays. He remembers that day like it happened just yesterday. His dad had been surfing with some of the locals, hoping to drum up some business, and the two of them had gone down to watch. Nothing exciting had really happened that day, but it hurts to know that it’ll never happen again.

“You okay, Ty?”

The warm rasp of the voice at his back startles Taeyong, but he tries not to show it as he grabs his textbook and spins around to greet Jaehyun. He looks about as good as Taeyong feels. Jaehyun’s hair is tousled and his shirt wrinkled, but it’s the bags under his eyes that makes Taeyong feel like shit. The two of them haven’t spoken since their kiss, but he isn’t even sure what to say anyway. How can they possibly move forward after what happened? Taeyong knows he needs to be there for Jaehyun — wants to be there for him — but he just doesn’t know how.

“Not really,” Taeyong replies.

“I called.”

“I’m sorry. I’ve been—”

“Avoiding me since the funeral?” Jaehyun answers for him, never one to beat around the bush. “I wanted to apologize for what happened, you know? I’m sorry for… doing _that_. I wasn’t in the right headspace.”

Taeyong nods, having known this was coming since it happened. This is the part where they both admit that the kiss was a mistake, that they were hurting and only leaned on one another for comfort, but it can’t happen again.

“It’s okay,” Taeyong whispers.

He already has a list of excuses piled up in his mind, ready to be spewed to save them both the embarrassment of admitting to what they had done. However, Jaehyun speaks before he’s able to get them out.

“It’s not okay. I didn’t want our first kiss to be like that…”

That catches Taeyong’s attention and his gaze snaps to Jaehyun’s as he bites the inside of his cheek until blood coats his tongue. But it’s short-lived. Jaehyun always has a way of reminding him that this isn’t some fairytale and he hasn’t been thinking of things in the way Taeyong has.

“Listen,” Jaehyun continues, leaning closer, “Johnny has been hanging out over at Cornerstone and I was wondering if you could go talk to him. You know… like we planned? It’s a public place, so he won’t try anything.”

Taeyong nods slowly, almost like he’s doing so subconsciously. “Do you _really_ think it was Johnny?” he asks, though he immediately regrets the question when anger flashes in Jaehyun’s icy gaze. 

“Who else could it have been? Johnny was annoyed with her and those two were always fighting. _Always_. She probably pissed him off and he snapped. I know some shit about Johnny—”

“What? What do you know?”

Jaehyun exhales, looking around like he’s searching for any prying eyes or ears, before answering. “He’s involved with some bad people. His brother deals drugs, and he’s no stranger to violence. His track record is a mile long.”

Taeyong’s brows raise slightly at the information, eyes widening a fraction. “So, why are you sending me in? I mean, if he’s so dangerous, then why do I have to get close to him?”

“I won’t let anything happen to you. You won’t ever be around Johnny without me keeping an eye out. I just have a feeling that he’ll tell you, that he’ll open up to you.”

“What makes you so sure?”

Jaehyun frowns, taking a step closer. “Just trust me. I’ve seen him staring at you, watching you. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.”

Taeyong tries to wrack his brain for any instance pointing towards Jaehyun’s theory, but he comes up short. Certainly, he’s wrong. Johnny and Taeyong are friends at the very most, a byproduct of his relationship with Naeun. They’ve spent time together, but no one would ever question that Johnny was head over heels for Naeun. He only ever had eyes for her. 

“I don’t know…”

“I’ll keep you safe,” Jaehyun assures him. “I won’t let anyone hurt you. We just have to try, okay? Can you do this for me? I’ll protect you, I swear.”

Taeyong nods again, though Jaehyun is completely misunderstanding his hesitancy. Taeyong isn’t worried that Johnny will hurt him. In fact, he thinks Johnny is innocent. But he isn’t so sure about getting close to him under false pretenses.

“You won’t go without me, right?” Jaehyun asks. “We can head out there after school.”

“Sure,” Taeyong replies half-heartedly, feeling like he’s more so humoring Jaehyun than anything.

“Good,” Jaehyun says, leaning down to give Taeyong a quick kiss on the top of his head before walking off in the opposite direction.

Taeyong doesn’t believe Johnny killed Naeun, but he does think it’s easier for Jaehyun to have someone to fixate all of his energy on than it is for him to sit back and do nothing. If Johnny did murder Naeun, however, then he probably wouldn’t be too happy with Taeyong lying to him and playing amateur detective. Johnny definitely wouldn’t enjoy seeing Jaehyun with Taeyong, either, considering the fact that the two of them don’t get along.

The plan makes Taeyong uncomfortable, and he wishes he never agreed to it. But this is important to Jaehyun, and he wants to help ease his pain in any way he can. He doesn’t want Jaehyun tagging along, though. If he’s going to find answers, then it’s going to be on his own terms. Jaehyun doesn’t have to know. Swallowing down his anxiety, Taeyong heads for the parking lot rather than his first class. It’s not like he’ll be able to concentrate anyway, so he may as well go talk to Johnny now while he still has the courage to do so.

Nothing on the island is really that far from anything else, so all it takes for Taeyong to get to Cornerstone is a brief bike ride. The area is usually deserted because, even though the waves are perfect, the rocks scattered all around are sharp and unforgiving. One wipe out, no matter how small, is like getting dragged along concrete and can result in a trip to the emergency room. 

After fifteen minutes of riding off his nervous energy, Taeyong is rewarded with seeing Johnny’s silhouette out in the water so he decides to wait for him on the beach, observing his impressive skill. Most of the people born on the island know their way around the ocean, but Johnny is undeniably a master of his craft. He’s an aggressive surfer, taking chances most people wouldn’t, like taking on the waves of Cornerstone. Johnny has the competency to back up his questionable choices, though, and watching him surf is like watching an artist work.

Taeyong studies him with rapt attention as Johnny dominates wave after wave before finally paddling back up onto the shore. He lifts his board from the water and starts walking in Taeyong’s direction, his displeasure at seeing the latter getting more and more apparent the closer he gets.

“Go away, Taeyong,” he growls. 

Johnny pushes past him without even slowing down and snatches up the faded blue towel on the sand, starting to dry himself off. Something inside of Taeyong stirs as he watches Johnny work the towel over his well-defined muscles, but he pushes it aside. He’s already acted inappropriately enough with his best friend’s brother, he doesn’t need to go for the all-kill and do the same with her boyfriend.

“I just wanna talk.”

“Well, I don’t.”

“I just thought… it might help to talk about her,” Taeyong says gingerly, not wanting to upset Johnny any more than he already has just by being here.

“And why would I wanna do that? Do you think I don’t know what they’re saying about me? Do you think I don’t know that it’s all anyone can talk about? Didn’t you hear that I killed my girlfriend?” Johnny says, voice getting louder and louder with each word.

The anger, the hurt, and the pain rolls off of Johnny like the waves in the ocean. Taeyong looks away, staring at the rocks and the foam as the harsh water collides with their sharp peaks. The temperamental swells seem deadlier today, but Taeyong isn’t sure if it’s Johnny’s angry energy or his own new awareness of mortality that is amplifying it.

“Johnny, I just wanna talk,” he begs over the roar of the waves.

“Go home. If you wanna talk about your fucking feelings with someone, find Jaehyun.”

In truth, Taeyong doesn’t want to talk about his feelings. He doesn’t even want to be here, doesn’t want to exist in a world where Naeun isn’t living, breathing, and driving them all crazy with her spontaneous attitude. He doesn’t need this right now. His mother used to tell him that rotted planks couldn’t hold up a house, and Taeyong is in no position to save this boy. Not when he’s barely coping himself.

Taeyong squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, sucking a deep breath in through his nose and blowing it out through his mouth. “You know what? Fuck it. What’s the point?”

Reaching forward, he snatches Johnny’s board from underneath his arm and turns to head down the beach. They don’t have to talk about anything at all, but Taeyong wants to feel _something_. He wants to ride a wave and ignore the pain swirling in his gut. Johnny calls after him as Taeyong strips out of his shirt and takes off into a run towards the crashing waves. He plops down into the water, taking position on the board as he paddles hard. His muscles burn from the effort as he makes his way to the perfect point for an epic ride, noticing a huge swell starting to crash towards him.

Taeyong is so caught up in his defeat and sadness that his pop up is too slow, his feet aren’t planted in the right position, and he has no control over the board. He’s too stunted to ground his feet and ride like he’s been doing his entire life, which is very much a rookie mistake. One that he can’t afford to make when surfing Cornerstone and its dangerous waters.

“Taeyong!”

He hears Johnny’s voice right as the force of the wave collides with his back. Taeyong gets caught in the pressure of it, his body getting dragged _down, down, down_. His limbs tumble and roll, and Taeyong scrambles for the board, but he can’t find it. It isn’t until he collides with a sharp rock that the pain truly starts, though. His lungs burn. His head swims. A searing pain in Taeyong’s side makes him choke on water as salty sputters coat his throat. He doesn’t attempt to fight the ocean, however, he just lets her take him. He lets her crush him in her fist.

Time passes. _Slowly_. Excruciatingly so. One second feels like an eternity as he drowns, and his lungs go from burning agony and need to a settled emptiness. Every muscle in his body gradually relaxes, causing him to feel weightless. _Free_. He looks up, staring at the foamy water as it knocks against the sharp rocks, then a shadow passes above him. He can make out a flash of black hair, and his mind conjures up a mischievous smile to match.

 _Naeun_.

Then, two muscular arms grab Taeyong’s middle, hoisting him out of the water. His first breath feels like a drug, almost euphoric, and he spasms as oxygen fills his lungs. The warm, strong body cradling him yanks him through the current towards the shore, and Taeyong feels his head start to grow heavier and heavier. 

“Fuck. Stay with me!”

It isn’t until Taeyong is laying on the scorching sand that he rolls over and coughs up more salty ocean water, purging it from his system as he hacks and gags. Once it’s all out of him, he lays there like a shored shark, settling his breathing as awareness wraps around him like a blanket of urchins. It pokes and prods as the shadowed figure hovers over him.

“You know better than to turn your back on the water,” Johnny scolds, and Taeyong nods. Because he does know better. He’s been surfing since before he could fully walk. “You’re gonna need stitches.”

Swallowing the dryness in his throat, Taeyong looks down where a stinging pain is blooming on his ribs and finds a four-inch cut splayed across his skin. “It hurts,” he groans.

“We should get you to a hospital,” Johnny murmurs. 

“No, no. I’m fine,” Taeyong chokes out.

“You’re not fine,” Johnny argues, eyes narrowing into a glare. “You wanted to talk, so let’s talk. How about we start with the fact that you didn’t even _try_ to get out of that swell. Or, we can talk about how you just let it take you. Otherwise, get your ass up and in my truck, or I swear to God I’ll throw you over my shoulder and carry you there myself.”

Taeyong sits up, digging his hands into the white sand for leverage. Johnny is breathing hard beside him and staring at him intently as more blood flows from his wound. It makes his head feel even heavier and his vision blurs. Still, he pushes himself into a standing position with a little help from Johnny and starts towards his vehicle. Every step is more painful than the last though, and Taeyong figures he must have hurt his foot with the way it aches. After only a few seconds, Johnny gets fed up with his slow movements and, staying true to his word, picks Taeyong up and carries him the rest of the way. He settles Taeyong in the passenger seat with minimal struggle, then walks around the truck with angry stomps and slides into the driver’s side.

“I’m sorry,” Taeyong croaks, not sure what it is exactly he’s apologizing for.

“You should be,” Johnny says as he cranks the ignition and jerks the truck out onto the road. “Why did you go out there?”

“I-I don’t know. I didn’t plan on surfing, I just wanted to talk.”

“We could have talked at the funeral. I was there, you know? You and Jaehyun weren’t,” he replies, voice accusing. 

“I couldn’t be there. I just…” Taeyong pauses, lips trembling as he tries to cover his wound with his hand. “I couldn’t handle it.”

“Is that right? I’m sure Jaehyun held you while you cried, huh? Tell me, did he use his sister’s death to get in your pants? Not like you weren’t willing, I’m sure. I bet you told yourself that it’s what Naeun would have wanted when he slid inside your tight little ass and made you come on the sand.”

Taeyong snaps his gaze to Johnny and gapes at him. “Fuck you!” he yells. Part of him is angry at Johnny’s crude suggestion, but the other half is disgusted with himself because he’s not entirely wrong. That kiss with Jaehyun haunts him. It feels like betrayal and grief, a two-for-one package deal. “I just wanted to check on you, honest! I know you loved Naeun, but it’s obvious you don’t wanna be near me.”

They pull up to a stoplight and Johnny turns in his seat to look at Taeyong. Blood is flowing freely from his wound now, staining the seat and making him slightly woozy, but Taeyong does his best to meet Johnny’s gaze.

“You don’t know a damn thing about what I feel — _felt_ — for Naeun,” Johnny mumbles. “You wanna know why I don’t wanna see you or speak to you? It’s because, while I was driving you home, someone killed her. It’s because, while I was at home thinking of…” Johnny shakes his head and turns back to face the front. “Naeun is gone, and I need you to just leave me alone. I need you to find comfort elsewhere, because I might not be the person who killed her, but I’m still a fucking monster.” 

“Johnny,” he whispers. 

How can Johnny see himself that way? What happened that brought on all this guilt he’s feeling? Jaehyun’s earlier words make something dark coil in Taeyong’s gut. It’s unfamiliar and spurs him forward. _Doubt_. 

“How’re you feeling?” Johnny asks after a long moment of silence and probably desperate for a change of conversation.

“It hurts like hell, but I’ll survive. Not my first run-in with the rocks.”

“You’re not… purposefully trying to hurt yourself, are you? Because that would be really fucking stupid, Taeyong.”

He rolls his eyes and leans on the window while still cupping his wound. “I’m not suicidal, asshole,” he growls, making the corner of Johnny’s lip twitch.

“You got a real foul mouth, you know that?”

“Well, this fucking hurts. What do you expect?” Taeyong groans, just to make his lips quirk again. 

He likes the way Johnny’s entire face softens with the action, but he tries not to think about what that may mean. He tries not to look at him for the remainder of the ride, and it isn’t long before they’re pulling up to the hospital where Taeyong’s mother works.

“Thanks for the ride,” Taeyong says while shifting to exit the truck. “Wait, my bike…”

“I’ll go back and grab it, drop it off at your house.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me. In fact, please forget I exist. I meant what I said, Taeyong. Leave me alone.”

Taeyong’s fingers shake slightly as he stares at Johnny, trying to determine if his plea comes from a place of hurt or guilt. “Okay.”

When Taeyong finally slides out of his seat and exits the truck, Johnny waits until he’s walking through the automatic doors before peeling out of the ambulance lane. After what he’s said, though, and how he’s acted, there’s no way in hell Taeyong is going to leave him alone anytime soon.

**ENTRY 004**   
_Interdite_

Tonight, he parted my legs like the pages of a brand new book and spoke beautiful words over my untouched skin. He prayed at the altar of trembling fingers and moans.

And I asked myself: how could something so wrong feel so right?

I know we shouldn’t be together. 

But I drink from the depths he hides in his chest, from the darkness that the world doesn’t see. I’m greedy for more, but we should have stopped this ages ago. 

I fell in love with a lighthouse of a man, with a candle in the wind.

\- Naeun

“What were you thinking, baby?” Mrs. Lee asks.

Taeyong has been injured before while surfing, plenty of times at that, but cutting class and bleeding out in the emergency room is a first for them both. He isn’t usually so reckless, more so a wallflower and an obedient boy that has never needed rules because it’s not in his personality to break them.

“I don’t know. I just wanted to—”

He pauses, not even sure himself what he wanted to do. He can’t truly articulate why he was out there or why he went to chat with Johnny alone. He can’t even explain why he dove into Cornerstone because it’s not something he understands himself.

“I’m worried about you,” Mrs. Lee whispers.

Taeyong swings his feet over the edge of the hospital bed and stares up at her eyes that are full of both concern and exhaustion. His mother has been working more hours at the hospital and helping his father with the shop while Taeyong has been grieving. She hasn’t once complained about it, either. His mother has the patience of a saint and it makes Taeyong feel awful for being so reckless and selfish. But there isn’t a guidebook to grief. It’s like a never-ending wave full of ebbs and flows that hits unexpectedly. Taeyong honestly feels manic and depressed, like he’s straddling numbness while dealing with a tailspin of emotions.

“You don’t need to worry, Mom. I’m fine.” His tone comes out harsher than he intends, but he’s getting more annoyed as the minutes pass.

“You’re not fine,” Mrs. Lee argues. “You’re hurting, baby. And that’s normal. But you missed Naeun’s funeral, and now you’re skipping class? You even went to Cornerstone? This isn’t you.”

Taeyong shakes his head and stands up, his side aching. Eleven stitches are holding him together, and every move has a bone-deep pain wracking his body. “I’m fine,” he reiterates.

“Stop saying you’re fine when you’re obviously not!” Mrs. Lee is yelling now, which is something she rarely does. She’s more of a quiet force. White hot tears stream down Taeyong’s face, but he swats them away like they’re mosquitos. His mom sighs, more out of sadness than frustration, and brings her voice down to a softer volume. “Maybe you should stay home a few more days. Do you need to talk to someone?”

“I want Naeun, Mom. I want my fucking best friend, my routine back. I wanna go to school and see her standing by my locker with the latest gossip. I wanna wake up from this fucking nightmare I’m living every day now. Because it doesn’t feel real. It isn’t fair! I saw Naeun’s battered body in the woods, saw the blood everywhere. I chased off a pig with her fucking flesh in its mouth, and now I can’t close my eyes without seeing her lifeless ones staring back at me,” Taeyong explains, voice strained as he allows his tears to flow freely. “Naeun’s gone, Mom. And, yes, I’m sort of a mess and being reckless as hell, but I just need you to stop asking me to talk about my feelings. Because if I talk about how much it fucking hurts to imagine a future without her in it, then I won’t ever feel okay again. College. Weddings. Babies. I have an entire life ahead of me, and she has _nothing_. Nothing!”

Taeyong breaks down, collapsing to his knees on the hospital floor. His side burns at the movement, but he welcomes the pain like an old friend. It makes him wonder if Naeun felt anything when she died. Was she hurting? Did she pass peacefully or with a fight? His mother begins to sob as she crouches down beside him, wrapping her arms around him in a crushing hug. The pain of her comfort stings more than Taeyong’s wounds. It all hurts. It hurts so fucking much.

“If you want me to stop asking, then I’ll do that. But let’s promise to check in with each other, okay? You don’t have to go through this alone,” Mrs. Lee promises. “I just wanna help you, and I’m sorry that I don’t know how.”

Taeyong wipes his face with the back of his hand, the sobs wracking his own body getting worse instead of better. He doesn’t know how to help himself, either. He just knows that he needs to figure out what happened to Naeun, and he needs to do so before it’s too late.

Taeyong is lying down on his bed and sulking when his bedroom door flies open, bouncing off of his white wall with a bang as Jaehyun storms in like a ball of fire. He should have known that he would come as soon as he found out, but Taeyong had naively been looking forward to a secluded night alone with his thoughts. He should know by now that he’s not that lucky, though.

“Your mom called me. What the fuck were you thinking? You could have been killed, Ty,” Jaehyun rants, standing over him with his hands on his hips and a scowl on his face.

Taeyong sighs. “I just wanted to talk to him, then I went surfing and got hurt. No big deal.”

“It is a big fucking deal, Ty.”

Taeyong sits up with a wince and glares at Jaehyun. “I know it’s a big deal, okay? But I’m not in the mood to discuss it. And I’m not in the mood to be yelled at, _again_ , for being reckless. In fact, I’m not in the mood to discuss anything Naeun related for the rest of the night. I just wanna sit here and not think about anything. So, if you’re just here to yell at me, then feel free to march your ass right back out that door.”

Jaehyun’s mouth falls open in shock and he stares at Taeyong with wide eyes. Taeyong doesn’t falter, though. He just returns Jaehyun’s incredulous look with a pointed stare.

“I don’t think you’ve ever spoken to me like that.”

Taeyong rolls his eyes, but he supposes that Jaehyun is right. Usually, Taeyong is the docile sheep hiding himself in the corner, but he doesn’t want to be that person right now. When he makes no move to say anything and just glares harder, Jaehyun throws his hands up in exasperation.

“Fine!” Jaehyun exclaims. “Let’s just sit here, then.”

He plops down onto the edge of the mattress and begins picking at his nails in some failed attempt at appearing nonchalant. Taeyong’s chest flares with emotion, and he thinks about how this is the first time Jaehyun has ever been with him alone in his bedroom. Before all of this happened, Taeyong would have jumped at the opportunity this presented, but now it just feels wrong. He wants him to leave more so than he wants him to stay.

“So, am I doing this right?” Jaehyun asks.

“Doing what right?”

“Sitting here. Are we really just gonna sit here all night in silence?”

Taeyong slowly lays back down with another wince, his side burning with pain. “It’s only been fifteen seconds, Jae. If you don’t like it, leave.”

Instead of doing that, though, Jaehyun migrates beside Taeyong on the bed, situating himself so their noses are barely an inch apart and their breaths mix. 

“I’m sorry, Ty. I didn’t mean to push. It’s just that… I’m worried about you. I can’t lose you, too. I wouldn’t be able to bear it,” Jaehyun explains. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m perfectly happy just sitting here with you all night and not saying another word. Let me take care of you.”

“How about we watch a movie?” Taeyong suggests, wanting desperately to feel a sense of normalcy.

“Okay.” Jaehyun nods as he slips out of the bed. “You get it set up and I’ll go grab some snacks.”

Taeyong rolls over to his other side as Jaehyun leaves the room and grabs his laptop from the bedside table. He props it up in the middle of the bed before searching around for a movie that’s entertaining, but won’t take a whole lot of focus to understand. When Jaehyun returns, he has a bowl of popcorn sprinkled with peanut M&M’s in one hand and drinks in the other. He circles around the bed to Taeyong’s good side, then settles the food between them and climbs back in. Neither of them speak as Taeyong hits play on the movie and picks at the popcorn without actually taking a bite.

Taeyong can’t force himself to pay attention to the characters on the screen, though. As seems to be the norm these days, he finds himself lost in his own thoughts, and he knows that Jaehyun must be feeling the same emptiness he is. However, neither of them want to be the one to break the spell of chocolaty popcorn and watching other people’s lives instead of actively participating in their own. When the film finally concludes, Taeyong can no longer hold back his tears and just lets them fall freely. And despite the pain Jaehyun feels as well, he slides his fingers into Taeyong’s and gives his hand a comforting squeeze.

“Why would someone do this?” Taeyong whispers, not specifically to Jaehyun but more to the universe.

Jaehyun sits quietly for a few moments, but when he does finally speak, his voice is gloomy and full of emotion. “You know, my parents left again. The morning after the funeral. They said that they couldn’t bear to be in the house without Naeun anymore, but the thing is… I can’t either. Especially not alone. I feel like I’m fucking crawling out of my skin.”

“Me too,” Taeyong says. “I hate being alone, but I hate being around other people more. I can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t function. Every time I close my eyes, all I see is Naeun mangled and alone. I just feel so guilty. She was only in the woods because she was looking for me. It’s my fault.”

“It’s not—”

“Don’t tell me it’s not my fault!” Taeyong snaps, but Jaehyun only squeezes his hand in return.

“What we saw was traumatizing. It’s normal to struggle with coping, with survivor’s guilt even, but don’t take your anger out on me. We’re struggling with this together and we’ll punish Johnny together, too.”

At the mention of the other boy, Taeyong stiffens. “About that…”

Jaehyun perks up. “Did he say something?”

Taeyong shrugs. “Kind of? Not really? He was mostly just angry that I showed up. He told me to stay away, but… he also called himself a monster. He sounded guilty about something. I don’t know what, though. I’m gonna try and talk to him again.”

Jaehyun nods and presses his forehead to Taeyong’s, the closeness an intimacy that makes the latter hum with shame. “This was exactly the kind of conversation you wanted to avoid, huh?”

“Pretty much.”

“It’s getting late anyway. I should go.”

Taeyong’s hand shoots out in an instant and grabs Jaehyun’s shirt, clutching it in his fist. He doesn’t want him to go back to his empty house. Jaehyun shouldn’t be left to deal with all of this completely on his own. It isn’t fair to him, and he doesn’t deserve it.

“Don’t go. Just spend the night here, okay?”

A small smile lifts the corners of Jaehyun’s mouth and he gives him a small nod before placing a gentle kiss to Taeyong’s forehead. “Okay,” he agrees. “Do you need help getting ready for bed?”

Taeyong shakes his head as he watches Jaehyun stand and strip his own clothes off. “Can you just help me out of the bed? I can do the rest myself.”

Jaehyun obliges, making his way over to Taeyong’s side. He sweeps his arm around his body carefully and lifts Taeyong to his feet like he weighs absolutely nothing. Taeyong thanks him quietly, then pads into the bathroom and closes the door behind him. He takes his time going through the stages of his bedtime routine, using the few moments of solitude to try and get his head together before he heads back out to the room. Opening his dresser, Taeyong digs out his sleepwear and removes his shirt.

“Shit, Ty. You’re bleeding,” Jaehyun points out.

Taeyong looks down, seeing that his bandage has a few spots of blood that have seeped through, but it isn’t anything alarming. He just forgot that his mother told him to change the dressing every couple of hours. Though, maybe he willfully pushed it to the back of his mind since changing his own bandage makes him a little bit woozy.

“Can you help me? Please? I need to put on a fresh bandage.”

Jaehyun pales slightly, but still walks over and helps Taeyong to lay back on the bed. Cautiously, he peels off the bandage and then winces at what is underneath. Taeyong hasn’t really had the chance to look at the damage after he got sewn up, but he’s sure he would be wincing, too. Jaehyun blows out a stream of air, but then gets right to work. It only takes him a few minutes to patch Taeyong up with fresh gauze and medical tape, and once he’s done, he places a tender kiss to Taeyong’s stomach, around the spot where the rocks had cut him open. The touch of Jaehyun’s lips on his skin feels extremely tender, yet heated, and it causes Taeyong to flush with awareness.

“You really scared me, you know?” Jaehyun whispers. “I hate seeing you hurt.”

Taeyong doesn’t know what to say, so he doesn’t say anything at all. He just maneuvers himself out of bed and goes back to changing out his old clothes for nightwear. Jaehyun slides underneath the covers on his bed and holds them open for Taeyong to do the same. Once they’re settled in as comfortable of a position as they can get, Jaehyun drapes an arm around him, careful to avoid the tender area on Taeyong’s side. Jaehyun draws him close, and feeling safe and secure, they both allow themselves to give in to the sleep they so desperately need.

Taeyong wakes up in a tangle of legs. Hot skin is pressed against his own, and his side aches with a searing sort of pain that makes him groan. For a moment, he forgets himself. Life is a normal progression of time and experience. But then the sadness settles like an anvil on his chest. It weighs him down without care and works through his veins like poison, making him aware that another day without Naeun has passed.

“Ty?” He opens his eyes fully and is greeted with the sight of Jaehyun’s hazel gaze and sleepy expression. In truth, it’s the first night Taeyong has slept so deeply since Naeun was murdered. “How’d you sleep?”

“I slept surprisingly well,” Taeyong answers.

“Me too.”

A clanging of pots and pans downstairs makes Taeyong slowly sit up. Jaehyun joins him, and they stare awkwardly at one another. Jaehyun and Naeun have been coming over since they were old enough to ride their bikes alone, but Taeyong isn’t sure how his parents will feel about him spending the night. In his bed, nonetheless. But before Taeyong can ask him to sneak out the window, his bedroom door is swinging open and his mother is strolling inside. 

“Good morning, you two,” Mrs. Lee greets with one eyebrow raised, and Taeyong blushes profusely despite the fact that he’s done nothing wrong. “I made breakfast, but I need to get some rest so I won’t be able to join you. And neither will your dad. He had an early morning at the surf shop,” she explains, before turning her attention more fully on Jaehyun. “Thanks for monitoring my son last night, by the way.”

Jaehyun reaches up and runs a shaky hand through his hair. “Yeah, of course. Any time, Mrs. Lee.”

His mother sits on the edge of the bed, and Taeyong finds himself wishing for the world to swallow him whole. “I know your parents are out of town again, Jaehyun. And I’m sure it’s hard staying in that house all by yourself, but I want you to know that you’re welcome to stay here whenever, okay? The _spare_ bedroom downstairs is all yours.”

Taeyong doesn’t miss the implication in her words, but he doesn’t comment on it, either. His parents trust him, but they also aren’t stupid. 

“Thank you,” Jaehyun murmurs.

Mrs. Lee gives him a sad smile and a small nod. “You two should get ready and go eat,” she says as she stands. “Jaehyun, would you mind driving Taeyong to school?”

“I don’t mind at all,” Jaehyun assures her. “And thank you for making breakfast.”

Taeyong stares at them both incredulously. It seems to him like this unfamiliar world of pain and loss has no rules. Before Naeun’s death, his parents would have skinned him alive for letting a boy sleep over, but he guesses they’re just desperate to help. His mom bids her goodbyes, and Jaehyun and Taeyong both get dressed in silence before heading downstairs to endure breakfast alone in a blanket of awkwardness. Taeyong doesn’t know what the hell they’re even doing. He’s known Jaehyun his entire life, but now they seem to be close friends who have developed into something more.

He doesn’t want to define it, though. Taeyong is too raw and feels too guilty to even comprehend it, but he also feels like they’re on the verge of something new. Something terrifying and inevitable that he can’t quite process. Naeun had always been the bright ribbon that tied them together and that still rings true even now that she’s gone. But without her, Jaehyun isn’t being dragged by his ear to hang out with Taeyong and he isn’t politely inviting him along because he knows it will make Naeun happy. They’re hanging out because they _chose_ to.

“So, how’s the surf shop doing?” Jaehyun asks, breaking the silence.

Taeyong sighs. “Not very well. The new shop is taking a lot of business. Mom and Dad don’t like to talk about money with me, but I’ve seen the numbers on his desk. Mom’s working a lot of extra shifts to make the mortgage payment and Dad’s trying all these new marketing tactics to bring in new business and tourists. I think he’s searching for a new investor.”

“Shit,” Jaehyun replies. “If there’s anything I can do, please don’t hesitate to let me know.”

“Maybe tell your friends?” Taeyong offers. “It’s what Naeun used to do.”

At the mention of Naeun, they both go silent. The wound is still so fresh and so raw, but it’s hard not bringing her up when she was so deeply woven into their lives.

“Will do,” Jaehyun chokes out just as the doorbell rings. “I’ll get it!”

The way he so quickly volunteers and how fast he shoots up out of his seat tells Taeyong that he needs to get away from this conversation. He practically sprints towards the front door, but Taeyong turns his attention back to his plate and takes a bite of eggs so he doesn’t have to continue stewing in his guilt. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Jaehyun shouts.

“None of your fucking business,” Johnny grumbles.

At the sound of the visitor’s voice, Taeyong jumps out of his chair and runs to the door, ignoring the sharp pain in his side. “Hey,” he greets as he slowly tries to guide Jaehyun out of the way, but, naturally, he doesn’t budge.

“How’re you feeling?” Johnny asks.

“Fine. It still hurts a bit, but—”

“But I took _excellent_ care of him last night,” Jaehyun interrupts with an arrogant grin that drips with menace.

“I bet you did,” Johnny sneers. “Bet it felt nice to be the hero for once, huh?”

That seems to set Jaehyun off and he launches himself at Johnny. “Fucking prick! Get the fuck outta here!” 

“I’m just bringing Taeyong’s bike back like I promised, man. That’s it,” Johnny strains as he holds Jaehyun back by the shoulders. “What are _you_ doing here? Really? Because we both know you don’t actually give a shit about Taeyong. You don’t give a shit about anyone but yourself.”

“I was taking care of him! Or did you forget about his injury after dropping him off at the hospital. It’s funny… you keep being conveniently absent when you’re needed. First with Naeun and now with Ty. How could you let him surf Cornerstone?” Jaehyun barks, taking a swing at Johnny.

Jaehyun is erratic, blinded by rage, and, fortunately, those two things affect his aim. Johnny easily dodges the punch and Jaehyun’s fist slices through the air.

“I didn’t _let_ Taeyong do anything. He showed up, took my board, and went surfing all on his own. If you have an issue with that, then take it up with him.”

Taeyong pinches the bridge of his nose in annoyance. He doesn’t want this. If he had known his impulsive and reckless surfing adventure would lead to all of this, he would have kept his feet firmly planted on the shore.

“Jae, calm down,” he tries, before turning his attention on the other boy. “Johnny, thank you for bringing my bike back.”

Jaehyun flexes his muscles, spit gathered in the corner of his mouth, and each vein in his neck is bulging with anger. It looks like he’s on the verge of throwing another punch, but Taeyong knows he can’t let that happen. He needs to separate them before it all gets way too out of hand.

“You don’t wanna fight me,” Johnny states. “Trust me.”

“Stop!” Taeyong yells, trying to get their attention. “Johnny is leaving. He had my bike from last night, he’s dropping it off, and now he’s _leaving_ ,” he emphasizes, pleading with his eyes for Johnny to just go.

Johnny swallows, pausing for a moment before letting out a sigh. Taeyong can see the way he’s attempting to force the tension to leave his body, the way he’s trying to calm himself down. It’s obvious that Johnny doesn’t really want to fight, but he also isn’t the type of person to not stand up for himself, either. It seems as though Jaehyun has mastered the ability to piss him off with just his presence. However, when Johnny speaks again, he redirects his gaze to Taeyong and his voice has such a tenderness to it that it throws him off for a minute.

“Are you sure you’re okay, Tae?” he asks, the use of a nickname taking him by surprise. Especially one that no other person really uses besides Cherie. He has to admit that it sounds a lot nicer coming from Johnny, though. “Do you need anything?”

“I’m okay,” Taeyong replies softly, though he’s the furthest thing from actually being okay.

“I think you’ve done enough,” Jaehyun bites out. “Go. I can take care of Ty.” 

A maniacal smile spreads across Johnny’s face, making Taeyong’s stomach plummet. “Yeah, you’re good at taking care of people, huh?”

Johnny doesn’t wait for a response this time, he just turns and walks back over to his truck. In an instant, Johnny is climbing inside, slamming the door behind him, and taking off the way he came. The engine from his vehicle is so loud that Taeyong can still hear it as he turns on Jaehyun and stares him down.

“What the hell was that?” 

“I don’t know, I just fucking lost it,” Jaehyun tells him. “What the fuck did he mean when he said that I don’t care about you? I do care! I’ve always cared.” Taeyong’s heart melts a little at his admission, but he knows he can’t linger in the pleasant feeling for too long. “I changed my mind, Ty. I don’t want you going anywhere near that psychopath.”

Taeyong scoffs, rolling his eyes as he turns to go back inside the house and hopes that all the commotion didn’t wake his mother up. It’s kind of sweet that Jaehyun is being protective, but he doesn’t know why he thinks he has any right to tell him what to do. He likes the softer side of Jaehyun that he’s been seeing over the past few days, but he also doesn’t own him and Taeyong has no intention of staying away from Johnny. Last night, Taeyong had realized something that Johnny had only confirmed with his appearance this morning.

Johnny and Jaehyun are his strongest connections to Naeun, and Taeyong isn’t giving that up without a fight.

Taeyong makes the trek on foot to a local coffee shop, his bag weighing him down with heavy textbooks and assignments, making him grimace with every painful step. His side burns, but it’s a welcome reminder of his stupidity yesterday. Now that he’s had time to think about what he's done, he knows that Naeun would have ripped him a new one for being so reckless. She was supposed to be the impulsive one, the one who thought about consequences later and acted without care. Not him. Naeun always saw the beauty in embracing life’s chaos. She liked to remind Taeyong that the world was a messy place and that they couldn’t control every aspect of their lives without giving in to the privileges fate demanded of them. It’s all give and take.

They can’t cling to their morals without letting go of their freedom.

Pushing open the door of the quaint café, a bell rings to signal his arrival and Taeyong smiles at the familiar woman behind the counter. He orders a black coffee, then finds himself a dark corner to tuck himself away in. He pulls out his work and spreads it across the table, thankful for the mindless task of studying to keep his mind busy. He’s incredibly behind on schoolwork in general. Between taking time off to grieve and skipping yesterday, he has a mountain of it to do and absolutely zero desire to actually catch up. He and Naeun used to study together, filling shopping carts full of snacks to take back to her house to reward themselves with as they crammed for tests.

Taeyong could have probably did a lot of it at school, but he spent most of his day in a haze, avoiding the whispers and looks laced with pity from his peers. Jaehyun had walked him to every class, and Taeyong felt everyone’s eyes on them the whole day. 

His heartstrings feel completely entangled with pain. Every move, every beat of his fucking heart, reminds him how alone he is now.

His father had texted him a few times over the course of the day as well, asking when Taeyong would be ready to work at the surf shop again. He knows his dad needs the free help, but Taeyong isn’t sure if he’ll ever be able to go back there. Everywhere he goes is like another reminder of the girl he’s lost. The surf shop only makes him think of how he and Naeun would blast music and dance when there were no customers and they were the only two on shift. Taeyong is going to miss seeing her flirt with all the surfers and listening to her make fun of his obsession with all the gear.

A lump forms in his throat, and Taeyong forces himself to focus on his task at hand. He doesn’t want to think about Naeun, he just wants a second to breathe, to be free from the hurt. So, Taeyong crams his consciousness with Literature, History, and Trigonometry until hours have passed and his coffee has turned lukewarm. He doesn’t think about anything else in that time, not until the chair across from him scrapes against the tile and a tall figure takes a seat. Taeyong recognizes the person instantly, somewhat ashamed that he can tell who it is from smell alone.

“Johnny,” he greets.

“Taeyong.”

He flips the page in his textbook with a huff. “I thought I was supposed to stay away,” Taeyong replies bitterly. “This doesn’t really look like staying away.”

Johnny reaches over and slams his textbook closed, nearly pinching Taeyong’s fingers in the process. “I wanna talk.”

“Now you wanna talk?” Taeyong asks. “Last time we spoke, you made it pretty clear that you wanted nothing to do with me. What’s changed?”

“Stop being so dramatic.” Johnny rolls his eyes. “I just wanted to make sure you’re actually okay. How’s your side?”

Taeyong clenches his teeth before willing himself to actually look up at Johnny. Though, he sort of regrets it because Johnny’s angry eyes are piercing and intense and they feel like they’re able to see right through to Taeyong’s soul. 

“I’m fine. It hurts, but it’s nothing I can’t handle,” Taeyong replies with a simple wave of his hand. “How’re you?”

“That’s a loaded question,” Johnny snaps, leaning back in his seat and crossing his arms over his chest. “Did Jaehyun spend the night?”

“I don’t think that’s any of your business.”

“I mean, it makes sense,” Johnny says with a shrug, like he hasn’t heard Taeyong at all. Like he’s trying to justify it for some reason. “You’re both grieving. You both lost someone close to you.”

“So did you.”

“I did.”

Taeyong gives him time to elaborate further, but when it doesn’t seem like Johnny is going to, he begins packing up his belongings. He’s not really in the mood for Johnny’s temperamental moods and mind games anyway. If he actually did come here just to check on Taeyong again, then he’s got what he wanted. There’s really no other reason for them to continue this awkward back and forth.

“Wait. Tae…”

Johnny reaches out and grabs Taeyong’s wrist. The searing heat of his grip makes Taeyong tremble, and grief suddenly hits him like a tidal wave. It’s so sudden that Taeyong barely has time to blink back his emotions before they fully take over.

“What?”

“I’m sorry, okay?” Johnny apologizes. “I’m just not… handling it well. Naeun and I had a fight the night she died.” Taeyong’s ears perk up, already privy to that information, but wanting so desperately to know more. “It was before the party. Things had been off between us and I said some things I regret.”

“What kind of things?” Taeyong questions, trying not to seem too eager for more information.

“It doesn’t matter. It was just some stupid shit that I shouldn’t have said. Things I only said because I was mad and I wanted to make her hurt like I did.”

Taeyong stays quiet, willing Johnny to keep talking. He needs to know what happened between them, what Naeun was thinking that night. Johnny puts his head in his hands and breathes in deeply. Taeyong thinks he’s never once seen the other look so vulnerable. It’s jarring.

“How am I supposed to live with myself knowing that Naeun left this world thinking I hated her?”

This time, Taeyong stays silent not because he’s trying to give Johnny the room to elaborate, but because he doesn’t know what to say. He’s positive that Naeun didn’t think Johnny hated her. They were always fighting and making up, and Taeyong was always hearing about it. That’s not news to him. But what can Taeyong really say to a grieving man to ease his guilt? As he’s searching for the right words, Johnny stands up.

“Are you leaving?” Taeyong asks stupidly. 

“Yeah,” Johnny confirms quietly. “Listen… Naeun left some of her things at my place. Makeup, perfume, razors: shit like that. Do you want it? It’s killing me to see it every day.”

Taeyong’s breath catches at the word _killing_. Naeun was killed. It’s still so fresh that, sometimes, Taeyong has to remind himself that his best friend isn’t just dead. She was fucking _murdered_.

“Yes,” Taeyong finally responds after a moment, “I want all of it.”

“Come by my place tomorrow after school. I’m assuming you remember where it is,” Johnny says, not even waiting for a response before he makes his exit.

❦

Taeyong pulls his Jeep onto the sand, right next to Johnny’s converted bus, and hops out. His parents have been letting him use the car because of his injury since he can’t exactly ride his bike with his side split open, and despite everything being close, walking everywhere would be too much to handle. He’s already itching to have his stitches taken out, wanting to hurry and get back to running around the island and surfing. But he knows he shouldn’t rush the healing process, either. Walking up the small set of stairs at the front of the bus, Taeyong raises his fist and knocks. Unlike the last time he was here, however, Johnny opens the door immediately and it makes Taeyong think that maybe he had been waiting for him.

“Hey,” Johnny says, scratching the back of his neck.

Taeyong’s gaze follows the movement, taking in Johnny’s otherwise relaxed appearance with his signature board shorts and an open button-down shirt. Johnny’s defined abs flex beneath his stare and Taeyong quickly snaps his eyes to him, willing the sudden heat in his cheeks to go away.

“Hey,” Taeyong repeats.

Johnny motions him inside, and Taeyong follows with ease. Stepping into the tiny house is like stepping into Johnny’s world. Naeun had once told him that Johnny had done all the restoration himself, and it’s absolutely beautiful. Johnny’s pride in his craft shines through, and it’s apparent that this home was built with passion. It has a rustic feel with rich hickory flooring, and along one side of the bus, where the benches used to be, is a kitchen. There’s also a full-sized refrigerator, a farmhouse style sink, and a surprising amount of cabinet space. At the end of said cabinets, there’s even a small built-in booth and a table that seats two.

The driver’s seat, steering wheel, and original windows still remain, but the latter has been reframed and dark plantation shutters have been added. The back half of the bus is walled off, and Taeyong assumes that’s where Johnny’s bedroom and bathroom are. Once he’s finished looking around, Taeyong’s eyes land on Johnny himself and the two of them stand there awkwardly for a moment, neither of them exactly sure what to do. What is the protocol for picking up a dead best friend’s belongings from her boyfriend’s house anyway?

“How’s your injury feeling today?” Johnny asks, breaking the silence.

“My side’s getting better. Doesn’t hurt as much, but I still can’t ride my bike. Can’t surf, either, until it’s fully healed and it’s causing me to go stir crazy.”

Johnny shuffles on his feet. “I hear that. I get twitchy if I go more than a day out of the water.”

That’s one thing he and Johnny definitely have in common. They both love to surf and would often go out while Naeun sunbathed on the shore. They didn’t talk, didn’t do much of anything really, they would just enjoy the waves while Naeun smiled at them from her spot on the beach.

“Uh, you can go ahead and have a seat. If you want. I’ll grab the stuff.”

Taeyong nods as he makes his way over to the leather couch that he knows for sure Naeun helped Johnny pick out. It’s plush and comfortable, but not too big for this tiny house. Naeun always had an eye for design, and Taeyong can’t help but wonder which parts of Johnny’s home are his doing and which are hers. When Taeyong sits down, Johnny turns and makes his way to the sectioned off portion of the bus while Taeyong stares at his back as he disappears into the bedroom.

Taeyong plays with the frayed edges of his shorts while waiting for him, his heart a tangled mess of nerves. This all just feels so personal. He knows Johnny, but they’ve never hung out without Naeun. Taeyong doesn’t know his family or even his hobbies. What he does know about Johnny is that he’s a hard worker and skilled in the bedroom, thanks to his oversharing best friend. He also knows that Johnny often takes double shifts at the restaurant he works at and isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty. He’s also surprisingly thoughtful, always making sure Taeyong had sunblock at the beach or offering him a block of wax for his board. 

When he wasn’t fighting with Naeun, he was also considerate. Asking about her day and Taeyong’s, too. Johnny always listened to stories about the surf shop without interrupting and introduced himself to Taeyong’s mother when Naeun dragged him over. He even congratulated Taeyong when he got a good grade on his English test. Maybe the two of them are considered friends, but this is all still a very intimate moment that feels forced. Taeyong has always lumped Johnny and Naeun together as a unit, never taking the time to notice him separately. He wishes he could pretend to be oblivious to the strangeness of it all.

“Here we go,” Johnny says as he returns carrying a cardboard box, hugging it close to his chest like it’s precious gold.

“Are you sure you wanna get rid of it?”

Johnny sits down beside Taeyong without answering, his leg pressed against the latter’s, and the heat rolling off of him helps to ground him. He keeps the box in his lap as Taeyong reaches over to start sifting through it, a chuckle breaking past his lips when he sees what’s on top.

“She was always stealing my sunglasses.” Taeyong smiles as he pulls them out of the box. “These are mine.”

He continues to search through the rest of the items, pushing around a perfume bottle, some mascara, nail polish, and even a textbook. Naeun was a mess, always leaving a trail of debris in her path wherever she went, so it isn’t a surprise that she left so many things behind. She probably didn’t even realize they were gone. At the bottom of the pile, Taeyong finds a plaid button-up and grabs it.

“This is mine, too,” Taeyong says as he places the shirt in his lap and starts absentmindedly stroking the fabric.

“She just kind of took over, huh?” Johnny comments.

“She was the queen of _better to ask for forgiveness than permission_ ,” Taeyong agrees.

Johnny seems lost in his thoughts, staring off in the distance, and Taeyong feels a little wrong watching him have what appears to be a vulnerable moment.

“Do you know how we started dating?” Johnny finally asks.

“Not really.”

“Naeun saw me at a surf contest and informed me that I would be taking her out. I was part terrified and part intrigued. She just kind of had that commanding presence, I guess. A confidence that couldn’t be faked or ignored.”

That definitely sounds like Naeun. She was the type of person who if she saw something she wanted, she went for it without hesitation. Tears fill Taeyong’s eyes and he starts messing around with the shirt in his lap to keep his hands and mind busy. It isn’t until he decides to rifle through the pocket on the breast that his finger connects with something hard. Plastic. Taeyong pulls it out, noticing that it looks like a credit card. But it has the logo for one of the local hotels on it, so he concludes that it’s definitely a room key.

“Do you want this?” Taeyong asks with a small smile. “Looks like a keepsake from a romantic evening.” He tries to keep his voice light, but, for some reason, he feels… _off_. Anxious. Sad.

Johnny takes it from his hand and frowns. “We never went to the Sanderling Resort. We never really went anywhere other than here.”

Taeyong raises an eyebrow. Naeun had never mentioned going to Sanderling to him, either, which is strange because being whisked away for a romantic getaway is exactly the type of thing she reveled in. The realization slowly dawns on him that there would have to be a damn good reason for her not wanting to tell him about it. Like a _cheating on your boyfriend and knowing your best friend would disapprove_ kind of reason. This is something Taeyong knows he’ll probably obsess over later, but he needs to swallow his concerns for now.

“Oh, um,” Taeyong stammers, not wanting to upset Johnny, “this shirt has been missing from my closet for a while, so I’m sure she went ages ago.”

He flashes Johnny a big — hopefully reassuring — smile as he casually takes the key card out of his hand and tucks it back into the front pocket. Taeyong starts sifting through the box again, hoping for a distraction, when his gaze settles on some photos. He picks them up and starts looking through them one by one. Most of them are selfies with different backgrounds, like the beach, Naeun’s house, and even the surf shop. Naeun’s smiling face is the focal point in all of them, with Johnny off to the side trying his hardest to look happy about taking sixty selfies in a row. In the picture at the surf shop, Taeyong’s dad had photobombed them, making a funny face and holding his arms out wide.

“Are you sure you don’t want any of these pictures?” Taeyong asks, still staring at them.

“They were more Naeun’s thing. She printed them out and brought them over one day. Said they made the bus feel cozier.” Johnny shrugs. “I don’t wanna look at them every day. I have pictures on my phone if I want them.”

Taeyong knows everyone navigates grief differently, that some people cling to their loved one’s memories with a vise-like grip while others want to completely eradicate the pain from their life. So, he doesn’t want to judge Johnny for being so quick to get rid of Naeun’s things, but he doesn’t understand it, either. He isn’t ready, doesn’t think he’ll ever be ready.

“What’s on your mind?” Johnny asks as Taeyong puts Naeun’s things back in the box and seals it shut.

“Just thinking about how everyone processes things differently. I’m not ready to go through all of the stuff she left at my house.”

Johnny stiffens. “Are you accusing me of something? Just because I don’t wanna cry over her box of shit doesn’t mean I don’t miss her.”

Taeyong swallows hard, chewing on his bottom lip. “I’m not accusing you of anything. I’m just different, that’s all.” There is something that’s been bothering him since they found Naeun’s body though, and he knows it’s probably foolish to bring it up, but he has to know. “You didn’t cry…”

“What?”

“When we found Naeun’s body, you didn’t cry. You didn’t go into shock. You didn’t do… _anything_. You just dragged us out of the woods, calm in a way I never could be.”

Taeyong finally turns to face Johnny and notices a couple beads of sweat collecting on his brow. Johnny’s shoulders are drawn up in a defensive stance and his elbows are tucked into his sides.

“If you wanna know something, why don’t you just ask?” Johnny grits out.

“Why didn’t you cry?”

Taeyong’s question must catch him off guard because Johnny furrows his brow and stares at him long and hard before answering. “It wasn’t the first dead body I’d ever seen. Plus, someone had to get you two outta there. I’m just better about compartmentalizing than most because I’ve _seen_ more than most.”

Taeyong opens his mouth to ask him more, wanting to know what he could have possibly seen to desensitize him to the graphic nature of Naeun’s death. But just as he’s about to ask, a loud knock on the door interrupts them. Taeyong jumps at the sharp rapping of a fist against metal, and his heart thunders in his chest.

“Fuck,” Johnny groans. “Stay here.”

He gets up, answering the door, and Taeyong grabs the discarded box of Naeun’s belongings, clutching it close to his chest as if her things will somehow protect him from this awkward situation. The moment the door is thrown open, a low voice that Taeyong doesn’t recognize greets Johnny.

“Hey, bro. I got a shipment for you—”

“I have company,” Johnny interrupts, and Taeyong leans over in an attempt to peer around his bulky body to see who’s there.

“Company, huh? Well, it’d be rude not to introduce us.”

Even though an unsettling feeling washes over him, Taeyong still finds himself eager to see who this person is, so he places the box to the side, stands, and steps out from behind Johnny with a smile. 

“Hi, I’m Taeyong,” he says.

“Well, hello, Taeyong. I’m Aron. Johnny’s older brother.”

Taeyong’s skin instantly breaks out in goosebumps, remembering how Jaehyun had told him that Johnny’s brother deals drugs. He wonders if this is the same one. Aron is tall and has black hair, but that’s where the similarities with Johnny ends. While Johnny is undeniably handsome, Aron’s allure comes from the dangerous energy he radiates. His features are small and don’t quite fill his face, and he’s lean, whereas Johnny is more muscular. Taeyong can also see tattoos peeking over the neckline of Aron’s shirt and scrawled across his knuckles, but his single most defining feature is a scar that runs jagged across his right cheek. It begins just under his eye and ends on the side of his mouth that’s currently twisted into a sneer.

“I’m guessing you’re the same Taeyong as Naeun’s friend.”

It catches Taeyong off guard that Aron not only knew Naeun, but that he also knows who he is. He can’t remember Naeun ever mentioning that Johnny had a brother, and with the serious bad vibes Aron is giving off, Taeyong just can’t believe she wouldn’t have told him.

“Yes,” Taeyong responds. “That’s me. Naeun was my best friend.”

“Aron—”

“It’s so sad what happened to her. I’m sorry for your loss,” Aron interrupts his brother, apologizing without a single trace of empathy in his voice.

“Thank you,” Taeyong says curtly.

The little hairs on his arm are standing straight up, and he glances at Johnny who is standing with his lip curled in disgust. Aron unnerves him, but Taeyong can’t help in wondering what the history is between the two brothers.

“Listen, I was just dropping something off for Johnny, so I can’t stay. But we’re having a family barbecue tomorrow night, and I’d love for you to come. We can get to know each other better.”

“No,” Johnny states firmly. “Taeyong can’t come.”

“Sure he can. Right, Taeyong?” Aron retorts, never once taking his eyes off of the boy. “He can be our guest of honor.”

“He’s busy.”

Taeyong isn’t busy, but he also isn’t about to argue. He’s just curious why Johnny doesn’t want him to go. And why Aron is so insistent, especially since the two of them just met. He wonders, vaguely, if it has anything to do with Naeun. 

“I’m _sure_ he can make time,” Aron says calmly, but it still manages to sound threatening. “I have to go, but I expect to see you both soon. It was a pleasure meeting you, Taeyong.”

Aron shoots him one last smirk before leaving, and Taeyong lets out a breath he hadn’t realized he was subconsciously holding.

“Fuck,” Johnny curses, slamming the door closed and causing Taeyong to jump at the sudden rush of aggression and frustration.

“What? What’s wrong?” Taeyong asks while taking a tentative step closer.

“My brother does some shady shit, Tae, and I don’t really want you involved.”

Taeyong cocks his head to the side. “Was Naeun involved? Are _you_ involved?”

Johnny gives him a pained expression that holds all the answers his mouth can’t form. “I’ll pick you up tomorrow, okay? You should go, Tae. I’ll call you later, but I don’t think I can get you out of this.”

Taeyong blanches. “What’re you talking about? Yes, you can! I don’t have to go, Johnny.”

Johnny gnaws on his lip. “It’s complicated. I don’t want you to go, either, but it might be better if you do. Get it over with. He’ll question you, and I’d much rather it happen while I’m there to watch you.”

“Question me about what?”

Silence stretches between them before Johnny licks over his bottom lip and finally answers him. “Naeun.”

“How does Aron know Naeun? What aren’t you telling me?”

Johnny doesn’t answer him. There’s another long, pregnant pause between them before Taeyong gives up on trying to figure out what’s going on. If anything, he’ll learn more about it all tomorrow at this barbecue that’s apparently mandatory for him to attend. Taeyong shakes his head in disbelief, but he decides not to argue. There are answers here, he knows it, and he plans to figure out how it all ties into Naeun’s death. Reaching to the side, Taeyong grabs the box of Naeun’s belongings and clutches it tightly to his body as he heads for the door.

“See you tomorrow, then. Thanks for the stuff,” Taeyong murmurs before slipping outside.

Taeyong pulls up to Jaehyun’s house and nearly leaves just as quickly at the sight of Cherie’s car parked in the driveway. Naeun’s belongings are sitting in the passenger seat, and Taeyong stares at them, suddenly feeling uncertain about showing up unannounced. There’s a photo on top, though, with Naeun’s smiling face taking up most of the frame and it reminds Taeyong of how she would have stormed in anywhere like she owned the place. She wouldn’t apologize for showing up unannounced anywhere. She simply existed and didn’t care about being judged or standing out. Even though he and Jaehyun have bonded over the last couple of weeks, that doesn’t mean their dynamic has changed. And it certainly doesn’t mean that he has stopped seeing Cherie in that time. 

They’re friends. Very close friends. Taeyong doesn’t have to feel ashamed for stopping by. Jaehyun needs to know about Aron and the barbecue. Taeyong also wants to see if he’s interested in some of the pictures Johnny gave him. So, he sits in his car for a few more moments, steeling himself with affirming words Naeun used to pray over him, before grabbing the box and climbing out of the Jeep. He slowly makes his way up the stairs to the Jungs’ immense deck, shuffling up them awkwardly to avoid putting strain on his side. And even though he feels a brief lapse in his insecurities along the way, he still knocks on the door instead of just letting himself in. Taeyong tilts his chin up and puffs out his chest, crafting a smile of defiance and friendliness on his face as Cherie opens the door.

“Oh! Hi, Tae,” Cherie says with an air of superiority.

“Hey, Cherie. How’re you?” Taeyong asks, doing his best to keep things friendly.

“Great. Was just helping Jae work out some _tension_.” Cherie rolls her shoulders, giving him a wink. “But I was just leaving,” she adds with a smirk as she brushes past Taeyong and calls out a goodbye.

Taeyong waves politely, even though Cherie isn’t paying attention, before stepping inside and shutting the front door behind him. Since he has a pretty good idea of where Jaehyun is, he immediately heads up the winding staircase to his room and arrives just in time to see him quickly pulling on a shirt. Taeyong knows Jaehyun isn’t his boyfriend and that they aren’t exclusive in any way, but the sight of his ruffled hair and the fresh hickey on his neck still feels like someone has punched him in the gut.

“Ty?” he questions, voice breathy. “Cherie just, uh, brought me some lunch. Wanted to make sure I’m eating and taking care of myself, you know? I had no idea you were gonna stop by,” he rushes out.

Jaehyun crosses his arms over his chest, looking as uncomfortable as ever. But his words sound forced, as if he wants to seem casual and is failing. Taeyong just hates this awkwardness between them.

“Yeah, sorry,” Taeyong mutters, trying his best to act like he’s fine. It’s probably better this way. It would be wrong for them to try anything other than friendship. Taeyong doesn’t think he can handle any additional guilt anyway. So, completely ignoring Jaehyun’s comment about Cherie, he continues, “I picked up some things from Johnny’s and wanted to bring them over. I also wanted to talk to you about something strange that happened while I was there.”

“You went to Johnny’s house again?” Jaehyun asks, his normally relaxed face now twisted in a mix of anger and concern.

“Yeah… can we, uh, can we talk downstairs?” Taeyong replies, his nose wrinkling at the smell of sex in the air. He really doesn’t want to have this conversation here, with the sight of Jaehyun’s rumpled bedding and the smell of Cherie’s jasmine perfume invading his nostrils.

“Yeah, of course,” Jaehyun agrees, probably sensing the real reason behind Taeyong’s words.

His feet move quickly as he passes Taeyong and takes the box from his hands before descending the stairs. Taeyong slowly follows after him, taking his time as a swell of emotions builds in his chest. Jaehyun has been so sweet to him. Tender. Caring. He’s even spent the night and cuddled Taeyong to sleep. But Jaehyun obviously has other needs, too. Needs they both know Taeyong isn’t emotionally capable of meeting. There’s still so much guilt weighing them down. Plus, he can’t help feeling like it’s taboo. Taeyong can’t be with his best friend’s twin. Jaehyun cares about him, he knows, but it’s just as a friend. And Taeyong should be thankful for that. Or, at least, that’s what he keeps trying to convince himself of.

“So, what is this stuff?” Jaehyun asks once they’re downstairs in the living room.

Taeyong takes a moment to look around before answering. The last time he was here, he was searching for Naeun. The time before that, they were celebrating Jaehyun and Naeun’s birthday. If he had known it would be the last time he would ever see her, maybe he wouldn’t have hidden in the shadows. Maybe he would have danced more, hugged her tighter, drank something, and actually enjoyed the evening. Maybe he would have ignored Naeun and stayed behind even when she insisted that he leave.

“It’s just some things Naeun left at Johnny’s place. There are a few pictures in there I figured you might want.”

“Johnny was just getting rid of all this?” Jaehyun questions as he tenderly sifts through the box, pulling out the flannel first. “Isn’t this yours?”

“How do you know that?” Taeyong throws back as he plops down beside Jaehyun and snatches the piece of clothing out of his grip.

“You wore it to that bonfire last year,” Jaehyun answers.

Taeyong doesn’t know what to think about the fact that Jaehyun can recognize an otherwise nondescript article of his clothing, but he decides not to pry and changes the subject instead.

“Do you want any of the pictures?”

Jaehyun takes them out of the box next and starts thumbing through them. When he gets to the one of Naeun and Johnny, that darkness that never seems to actually fade returns to his eyes again.

“What happened at Johnny’s today?”

It’s obvious his voice is straining in order to keep his anger at bay, and even though he’s asking a question, it comes out more like a demand for an answer than anything.

“Johnny’s brother, Aron, stopped by. Did Naeun ever mention him to you?”

“No, I never heard her talk about him. But, like I told you before, his family kind of has a reputation. You need to stay away from him.”

Taeyong averts his eyes to the floor, stalling for a moment while he gathers his thoughts. This is exactly what he thought Jaehyun was going to say, but he still doesn’t know how to tell him about the not-so-optional invitation he got for the barbecue tomorrow night.

“I’ve never seen him, and the only thing I knew about him was what you told me about him dealing drugs. But he knew exactly who I was,” Taeyong explains. “And he invited me over to this family cookout of theirs tomorrow.”

“Obviously you’re not going,” Jaehyun says, as if it’s that simple.

“Yeah, I kind of am. Johnny tried to tell his brother no, but I didn’t really get the impression that no was an option.”

“Of course it’s an option. You’re not going, Ty.”

“Yes,” Taeyong insists, “I am. This might be a good way to find out more information.”

“Fuck!” Jaehyun yells as he stands, nearly knocking the box and all of his contents to the floor. He starts pacing the room, and Taeyong can do nothing more than watch him. “This is so fucked up.”

Taeyong’s eyes track his movements before they catch on the wall behind him, the damage Jaehyun’s anger issues are causing to the drywall starting to add up. But he realizes that there’s no one even here to care. Jaehyun’s parents are God knows where, and Naeun is gone. Jaehyun is free to punch as many walls as he wants.

“I told you to stay away from Johnny in the first place, and now you’re gonna go spend time with his whole damn family?” Jaehyun rages, pulling at his hair in frustration.

“You were the one who asked me to get close to him,” Taeyong replies, trying to remain as calm as possible. “You practically begged me to learn what really happened that night. Now I have the perfect chance to do just that and you wanna be mad at me?”

Maybe it was seeing Cherie leaving his house or the overwhelming hurt he has been feeling the last few weeks, but Taeyong isn’t going to let Jaehyun take his anger out on him. Jaehyun has always had a bit of a temper, but Taeyong cares too much about him to let it continue to spiral out of control.

“I know. Fuck, I know! I didn’t think you’d actually do it, though.”

“That’s not fair and you know it. You… you kissed me on the beach the day of Naeun’s funeral, then demanded I find answers. What else was I supposed to do?”

Jaehyun scowls, stalking closer. “Is that what this is about? Are you pissed because Cherie was here?” he asks, kneeling down at Taeyong’s feet. And despite the submissive angle of his body, the fury still rolls off of him. “You’re jealous. Are you trying to get back at me or something?”

“I don’t care what you do with Cherie.”

Jaehyun smiles. “You don’t?” he asks, placing a hand on Taeyong’s upper thigh.

“No. I don’t care,” he lies.

Jaehyun leans forward, like he’s testing Taeyong, and presses a tender kiss on his knee, just above the scar he got while they were going through their skateboarding phase in junior high.

“I’m saying,” Jaehyun pauses to kiss a little higher, and Taeyong holds his breath while trying not to squirm, “I wouldn’t be upset if you did care.”

Suddenly, Jaehyun stands and grabs Taeyong’s hand, pulling him up and making him wince at the sharp pain in his side. He doesn’t stop though, and Taeyong collides with Jaehyun’s chest, bracing his hands against the hard planes of his muscles while looking up at him. His gaze immediately locks on the deep purple hickey in the shape of Cherie’s lips on his neck and it sobers him a little.

“Why don’t you stay with me instead of going, huh? We can have another sleepover.”

Jaehyun presses a kiss to Taeyong’s forehead, then to his cheek, neck, and collarbone. Taeyong’s chest starts heaving more and more with every sweet kiss. It feels surreal to be at the center of Jaehyun’s attention. Taeyong has been craving him for so long that he isn’t sure he can trust himself to keep a level head where Jaehyun is concerned. He should have put an end to his crush long ago, but now that Naeun is gone, it has twisted into some sort of codependency that he’s not willing to give up.

“Jae…” he tries, “I have to go. We have to do this for Naeun.”

Jaehyun goes still. Too still. And Taeyong can feel the anger just brimming beneath the surface as Jaehyun threads their fingers together. “I’ll stop sleeping with Cherie,” he promises, though there’s something inauthentic about his statement.

“You don’t have to stop sleeping with Cherie. Do whatever you want.”

Those words are like dry, volcanic ash on Taeyong’s tongue. He hates saying it. He’s liked Jaehyun for a long time, and coming to terms with the fact that he will never be Taeyong’s is a hard pill to swallow. But Taeyong also has more pressing issues to deal with right now. His love life doesn’t really seem all that important when he can’t even talk to his best friend about it.

“Whatever I want, huh?” Jaehyun asks, tilting Taeyong’s chin up.

When their eyes meet, Taeyong can see hints of Naeun’s mischievousness in Jaehyun’s gaze. It’s a flirty look that both twins possess, like they can control anyone. Do anything. Make whoever they want fall in love with a single glance.

“You’re my friend, Jae. I want you to be happy.”

“ _You_ make me happy. When I’m with you… it’s the only time I feel okay.”

Taeyong’s heart burns for him, and he desperately wants to make Jaehyun feel more than just okay. He wants to smooth the pain in his battered heart and ease his grief. Focusing on him makes it easier to forget how devastated Taeyong feels himself.

“I feel the same,” Taeyong whispers.

Jaehyun leans in closer and brushes his lips against Taeyong’s while the latter tries not to think about those same lips touching Cherie. Taeyong does his best to just live in the moment and revel in Jaehyun’s touch — a touch he’s craved for as long as he can remember. Jaehyun’s mouth parts, opening for him, and his tongue slips between Taeyong’s lips. He savors the taste as Jaehyun’s hands roam his body, carefully missing the wound at his side. Taeyong’s legs wobble, heat pooling in his stomach and seemingly melting his skin. Jaehyun commands Taeyong’s attention with every stroke of his tongue and brush of his hands. It feels so nice, but there’s nothing natural about it. The only way Taeyong can explain it is that it’s almost robotic.

“Don’t go with him,” Jaehyun begs between kisses.

His words are like ice water being dumped over Taeyong’s head, and it causes the latter to stop, pulling away with his eyes heavy in a daze of confusion, lust, and guilt.

“I’m going, Jae. I have to find out what happened to Naeun, and I have to help Johnny. Something tells me he doesn’t get along well with his family and I wanna know why. It could have something to do with Naeun’s death. We just don’t know.” 

Jaehyun steps backwards and runs his hands through his hair. “Fine. You wanna go? Go! I don’t care. See yourself out.”

“Jae, please don’t do this. I’m trying to help you,” Taeyong pleads.

“You can help me by getting the fuck outta here.”

“Fine,” Taeyong echoes.

Hot tears spring to his eyes, but he bites the inside of his cheek to keep them from falling. Taeyong can handle a lot of things, but he feels like a dam breaking at the moment. There’s only so much he can take. Jaehyun’s mood swings are exhausting and he can’t keep up anymore. He needs to get out. Taeyong practically runs out of the house, leaving so quickly that he doesn’t even give Jaehyun the chance to change his mind. He’s already halfway out the door when he thinks he hears Jaehyun call out his name, but Taeyong can’t handle him like this. He doesn’t stop, slamming the door behind him and sighing in relief once he has an entire house between the two of them. He has bigger things to worry about than Jaehyun’s erratic behavior, like why exactly Aron Seo is so interested in him.

**ENTRY 005**   
_Colère_

He was angry at me today.

I pushed him too far.

I demanded too much.

He slapped me across the cheek, so I grabbed his cock. I unbuttoned him like a dress shirt, reveling in his unraveling. _Slowly_. _Sensually_. He told me my mouth was wasted on kisses and pleas. He said I should only fill it with things more worthwhile.

\- Naeun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Kudos, comments, and any kind of other feedback is always welcome and definitely encouraged. You get an extra thank you for taking the time to do so, but just reading is appreciated and you're still valid! If you'd like to follow me on Twitter, where I sometimes post edits and previews for upcoming fics, then I'll leave the link to that and my Curious Cat account below. 
> 
> My DMs are always open to anyone, no matter if you follow me or not, if you'd like to discuss anything or just need someone to talk to! I also have Discord and am willing to give out my username if you ask. Hope everyone has a nice day, be safe out there!
> 
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	3. Chapter 3

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to determine that Jaehyun has been avoiding Taeyong during school hours. And, really, during _all_ hours. Not that it’s hard to when the two of them only have one class together, and Jaehyun barely showed up to Trigonometry before everything went down. The one good thing about it all is that, at least, Jaehyun doesn’t want to revisit their conversation from the day before. He and Naeun are so similar in that way. Whenever she felt wronged, it was normal for her to give the silent treatment to Taeyong. Sometimes, he even wondered if she did it because her parents were always cutting her off. Naeun and Jaehyun both were taught how to be absent by the very same people who were supposed to always be there for them.

Taeyong bounces his leg under his desk as he twirls a pen between his fingers and glances at the clock. He’s so nervous about the barbecue that he doesn’t even really have the time to think about Jaehyun’s silence too much. Last night, Johnny had texted him and asked if he could pick Taeyong up from school, telling him that he didn’t want him driving alone to his family’s cookout. And it was obvious then that Johnny was feeling the same type of anxiety over the whole thing that Taeyong currently is.

The sound of the last bell of the day ringing snaps Taeyong out of his thoughts, and he springs up from his seat, quickly gathering all of his things. He wastes no time in making his way to his locker, where he stuffs his bag inside before darting out the main doors in a haste, keeping his head down to avoid Jaehyun should they run into one another. It only takes one sweep of his surroundings for Taeyong to find Johnny, already waiting for him with loud music pumping through his speakers and two surfboards propped in the back of his truck. When Johnny spots him, he stretches across to the passenger side and pushes open the door.

“Hey,” Taeyong greets as he climbs inside, and Johnny turns the music down so they can hear one another speak.

He doesn’t seem all that into pleasantries, though, and wastes no time in diving into the seriousness of what they’re doing. “This is gonna be quick, okay? In and out. Let Aron do his usual power play, then we leave.”

Taeyong gives a small nod, straightening in his seat as he locks his hands together in his lap. When Johnny still doesn’t pull the truck away from the school, though, Taeyong looks over at him with a questioning gaze, but only receives a huff in return.

“What?” Taeyong asks.

Johnny rolls his eyes, then leans over and grabs the seatbelt, strapping Taeyong in like he’s an incompetent toddler. Up close, Taeyong can smell the salt water on his skin paired with the slightest hint of cologne, and he takes note of how every bit of exposed flesh is kissed with a deep tan. His hair is also wet, almost as if he had hopped right out of the water before picking Taeyong up. And knowing Johnny, that’s probably exactly what happened. If he had to guess, Johnny was more than likely trying to surf away all of his worries. It’s the exact same thing Taeyong does.

Johnny’s hand brushes his thigh as he’s getting the boy situated, and Taeyong averts his attention to the window with a sigh. “I could have done that,” he whispers.

“I’m faster. How’s your side?”

“Good,” Taeyong replies. “So, should I be prepared for anything? What can I expect?”

Taeyong wants to push him for more information, but he also doesn’t want to risk Johnny getting suspicious of him. There’s a time and place for everything, and right now isn’t it. 

“You can expect to stay by my side the entire time,” Johnny tells him as he tears away from the curb, barreling down the winding road that hugs the coast. “Don’t leave my sight for a single second.”

Taeyong rolls his eyes. “Why are you so scared, Johnny?”

“I’m not fucking scared,” he snaps. “I’m just trying to be smart about this. Aron is a fucking tool. He likes to act like some big shot mobster, but he’s nothing more than a drug pusher. He can’t do shit. He’s just… _unpredictable_.”

 _And unpredictable people are dangerous_ , he can almost hear Johnny add. He wouldn’t be wrong, either. Especially not when it comes to someone like Aron, who acts as though he has absolutely nothing in the world to lose.

“Okay, I’ll stay close,” Taeyong promises, not like he’s been planning to go off on his own anyway.

The pair rides in silence the rest of the way, with Johnny gripping the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles are white as snow, and they make their way over the train tracks to the opposite side of the island where the locals who can’t afford the prime real estate live. Taeyong doesn’t come over here often, so it’s easy to forget that their little island is actually a lot bigger than it seems, and not all of it is like the slice of paradise he calls home. By the time they pull up to a trailer whose best days are behind it, Johnny’s mouth is a thin white line that matches his knuckles. Taeyong reaches to undo his seatbelt, but Johnny catches his hand before he gets the chance.

“Stay close, Tae. I’m serious. I need to be able to see you,” Johnny repeats firmly.

“I know. Trust me, I’m not about going solo and socializing on even my best days, so I got it.”

“And no matter what Aron says… _don’t_ give him a reaction. Okay? _Nothing_.”

“Fine.”

Johnny lets go of his hand, and Taeyong finishes unbuckling the belt before maneuvering his way out of the tall truck. They walk up to the entrance together, and after Johnny raps on the door, he winds his arm around Taeyong’s shoulders. The weight of his arm, mixed with the scent of the ocean still on his skin, helps to calm Taeyong’s nerves. He takes a deep breath to center himself as the door opens, but instead of being greeted with the smell of grilling meat and sweet barbecue, he’s slammed with the musty smell of mold and rotting food. It’s a lingering kind of smell, too. One that permeates the air and doesn’t leave.

“Taeyong, I’m so glad you could make it. Come in,” Aron coos. 

Taeyong glances nervously at Johnny and steps through the door. Once inside, he can see at least one source of the smell. The trash can is overflowing and looks like it hasn’t been emptied in weeks. Garbage is piled precariously on top and stacked on the surrounding counters. The sink is equally as foul, with dishes balanced atop one another and food still caked to their surfaces.

Taeyong smiles politely at Aron as he leads them through the mobile home, playing tour guide and pointing out the different areas, which are all as dirty and dilapidated as the kitchen. Taeyong says a silent prayer for his bladder the further they go, willing it to hold out until they can leave this place. He absolutely does not want to find out what the bathroom looks like. He doesn’t even understand why Aron wanted him to come so badly in the first place. Did he really want Taeyong to see this?

Even though it’s only been a few minutes, reaching the backyard feels like it takes ages. There are several men standing around, with one manning the grill while the others are sitting around in lawn chairs and drinking beer. Immediately, Taeyong notices that there are no women around, and he briefly wonders about Johnny’s mother when Aron starts to introduce him to a tall, shirtless man with tattoos covering every inch of visible skin.

“Rome, this is Taeyong.”

Rome breaks out into a big smile, revealing that one of his front teeth is rotten. “Hello there, Taeyong. It’s nice to meet you.” He wipes his sweaty hand on his pants, then holds it out to shake. Taeyong begrudgingly reaches out and does just that. “You don’t take long, brother,” Rome says, speaking to Johnny this time. “Wasn’t that long ago you were bringing Naeun around here, eh?” 

Then, he starts cackling, as if the death of Taeyong’s best friend is something to joke about. Johnny doesn’t appear to be amused by him, either, and wraps his hand around Taeyong’s wrist before dragging him over to a rusted lawn chair perched beneath a tall tree, away from the crowd. He plops down on it, and Taeyong is about to sit down on the hard dirt when Johnny unexpectedly pulls him into his lap. The moment Taeyong sits down, his entire body locks up and grows tense. Johnny’s salty scent and strong hold envelops him, and Taeyong fights the urge to curl into it.

“Relax,” Johnny whispers into his ear, hot breath feathering over Taeyong’s neck. “Stay close, remember? Let them think what they want. No one messes with me.”

Taeyong swallows. “Right.”

They people-watch for a little while, and Taeyong tries to take in every detail he can. Both because the silence is making him uncomfortable and because he thinks he may find some clues that will point towards Naeun’s murderer. The men all gather together, chuckling, cooking, and teasing, but none of them go out of their way to include Johnny in their antics. It’s almost as if they had given up on including him ages ago.

“Is this your family?” Taeyong asks, squirming on his lap.

Johnny sighs and flips Taeyong’s legs over, cradling him against his chest. It’s admittedly a more comfortable position, but the intimacy of the move makes Taeyong anxious. He can’t help but to imagine Naeun doing this exact same thing. Did she cuddle Johnny like this? Did she get along with his family? Taeyong feels like an awkward stand-in for the person Johnny really wants, and he can’t help but be curious about Naeun’s dynamic here.

“Some are distant cousins, some are Aron’s friends. He does this every week.”

“So, Naeun came here, too?” he questions, recalling Rome’s earlier words.

Johnny goes quiet as he starts subconsciously rubbing his thumb across Taeyong’s ankle. Goosebumps travel up his leg and Taeyong shudders. He isn’t sure if it’s because of the creepy situation they’re in or if it’s because of Johnny’s touches, though. But maybe it’s best if he doesn’t know.

“Yeah. I brought her to a few of these.”

“Did she get to know anyone?” Taeyong asks.

He feels like he’s walking on thin ice, like one misstep will cause the entire evening to crack. But he has to know. This may be the only chance he gets to find out this kind of information.

“Stop trying to play detective, Tae,” he says, and Taeyong rolls his eyes as he shifts on his lap. Johnny grips him tighter at the action, and Taeyong watches as Aron starts his approach. Johnny holds him impossibly closer and presses his lips against Taeyong’s ear. “Please don’t say anything. Just follow my lead.”

“What’re you doing?” Taeyong questions as Johnny’s hand moves up to grip his hip.

Taeyong’s breathing becomes erratic, his heart a racing mess, as Johnny’s lips continue to linger against his sweaty skin.

“Trust me.”

Aron stalks over, only pausing when he’s standing right in front of the pair. “You look cozy. Glad to see you’ve had no trouble moving on. Naeun was a high maintenance bitch anyway, and us Seo men have never had the time for princesses.” 

Blinding rage surges through Taeyong’s body, but Johnny’s grip holds him still. To any onlooker, they would appear like lovers embraced in a sweet cuddle, but Johnny’s arms are more like steel traps, caging him in. Taeyong feels like a shark in shallow waters, ready to fight for food and for his life. He stays silent, however, assuming that this is what Johnny was alluding to. Aron is trying to coax a reaction out of Taeyong, but he refuses to give it to him.

“I’m guessing you and Naeun weren’t that close after all if you’re already fucking her boyfriend,” Aron continues with a light laugh, and flames of fury burn through Taeyong’s awareness.

“Fuck off, Aron,” Johnny says, tone relaying boredom. 

“Just saying. I’m glad you moved on, brother. Naeun was trouble. You need a woman — _a partner_ — you can keep under your thumb,” Aron states, though his words aren’t aimed at Johnny. “Say, why don’t you come help me in the kitchen, Taeyong?” At his suggestion, Taeyong looks to Johnny, unsure of whether or not he should go and looking for guidance. The gesture seems to make Aron preen, and he lets out a low whistle. “Look at that. So submissive. Already looking to you for permission.”

Johnny shakes his head in annoyance. “We’re comfortable here. Find someone else to help.”

Aron clicks his tongue. “Now, that’s not very nice. I just wanna get to know him. I promise not to hurt a pretty little hair on his pretty little head.”

Taeyong swallows. He doesn’t want to go back in the house and certainly not alone with Aron. But he also doesn’t want this to turn into a scene.

“No,” Johnny insists.

“I wasn’t asking,” Aron replies, this time with more force.

Taeyong can see the veins in Aron’s neck bulging threateningly, so he turns to Johnny and presses his palm against his chest, noting how his heart is racing underneath his touch.

“It’s fine,” Taeyong assures him, praying to whatever higher power may be listening that he isn’t making a grave mistake. “I’ll be right back.”

At this point, it seems to him that it’s better to just go along with whatever Aron wants so they can hurry up and leave. Besides, Taeyong is starting to feel slightly more brave, and he wants to know more about Naeun’s role in their lives. It’s obvious now that Aron didn’t really like her, but Taeyong wants to know why. Johnny’s hands linger on his hips as Taeyong slowly stands, then finally steps away.

“Five minutes,” Johnny growls.

“Whatever, asshole. No use in being possessive over some dude,” Aron says as he leads Taeyong back into the house. “You like apple pie?”

“Mhm,” Taeyong hums, swallowing hard.

“Me too. I’ve always liked mine with some ice cream, though. Johnny and I used to make homemade ice cream with our mom. She was the best.”

“Was?”

“She died when I was ten, Johnny was seven. Our dad was quite the angry man, you know?” Aron winks, as if talking about his mother’s death is some sort of inside joke. “Death makes you reckless. You see, I was real fucking mad at my old man when mom died.”

Aron sifts through the kitchen as Taeyong listens, and his heart feels like it’s about to jump right out of his chest. “Oh?”

“Yeah. I wanted revenge for her death, as most people would in my situation, so I waited until my dad was good and drunk.” Aron pulls a large knife out of a drawer that’s hanging open and holds it up. Taeyong instinctively takes a step back at the action, making him smile. “But Dad had a knife on him, never left home without his switchblade.” 

Aron stalks closer to Taeyong, flipping the knife in his hand haphazardly. Taeyong presses his back against the wall of the trailer, swallowing a scream when he sees a roach climb down it to his left. Aron continues to move closer and closer, like he’s trying to trap Taeyong in place, but the latter’s own fear already has him frozen.

“I tried to attack him, but he was too fast. Too quick with his blade. So, you know what I learned that night, Taeyong?”

“What?” he chokes out.

“Let the dead be. Nothing good comes from revenge. My own father sliced his blade right across my cheek, and then, two years later, he drowned. Such a terribly sad and unfortunate _accident_.”

Taeyong stares at the scar on Aron’s face with part pity and part fear. It doesn’t take a genius to understand his threat. Aron doesn’t want him searching for answers. Taeyong locks his knees as Aron positions himself just inches from his body and uses the tip of the blade to drag it across Taeyong’s cheek, mimicking the exact spot where his own is. The light, but sharp, touch makes Taeyong hold his breath and he squeezes his eyes shut as Aron continues to speak.

“You understand, don’t you, Taeyong? You have such a pretty face… I used to have a pretty face, too.” And, just like that, Aron pulls away to focus his attention back on the pies. He takes one out of the box and starts slicing it with unnecessary force. “I like mine warmed up, what about you? Want yours warmed up, too?” he asks casually, like he hadn’t just threatened the boy in the room.

“S-Sure,” Taeyong manages to squeak out.

He doesn’t want pie and he doesn’t want to be in this kitchen for another second, but his survival instincts keep him rooted to the floor. He doesn’t want to do anything that Aron may think is disrespectful. He doesn’t want to take the chance of setting the man off.

“So, you and Naeun weren’t all that close after all? I could’ve sworn you said she was your best friend,” Aron prods. “Did she ever talk about us? She used to love coming here,” he sneers as he puts the pie in the microwave and turns to face Taeyong.

He hesitates for a brief moment before deciding to lie, “No, we were best friends when we were little, but not so much in recent years. She never mentioned coming out here to me.”

Aron looks Taeyong over from head to toe, making no effort to hide his gaze lingering at the skin where Taeyong’s shorts stop. Aron’s eyes on his body makes him comfortable, but he doesn’t dare look away. He doesn’t dare give Aron any kind of reaction, just like Johnny advised. The microwave dings, and Taeyong hopes his face doesn’t betray him by revealing his relief.

“Johnny upgraded, if you ask me.” Aron smirks. “Naeun was too much work, and I guess if you’re sure she never said anything about us, then we don’t have anything left to talk about. Let’s head back outside. You don’t wanna miss out on all the food, these guys are like animals.”

Taeyong’s mother once told him that people talk most about the things they fear. Those who are afraid of being poor usually brag about their designer clothes and expensive tastes. Those who are afraid of being seen as dumb usually make sure to be the person in the room with all the right answers. For Taeyong, however, he’s afraid of forgetting Naeun, so he compulsively brings her up every chance he gets. When he goes to the beach, he mentions her favorite spots for sunbathing. When he visits the local diner, he stares at the menu and talks about Naeun’s love for strawberry shakes. When a song comes on the radio that Naeun liked, he imagines her dancing to the beat, hips swaying as she throws her head back and laughs loudly. He thinks about all of these things and how so very different Naeun was to how Johnny is.

Over the last few hours, Taeyong has come to realize just how little Johnny actually speaks. Getting him to talk is like pulling a deeply buried splinter from calloused skin. He doesn’t open his mouth and spew words about where his family came from or what his brother gets into. Johnny just drives in complete silence, locking his thoughts behind the barrier of his teeth. But Taeyong wants to know more. Especially after his confrontation with Aron, and he can’t help but wonder if Johnny fears his family. Is his silence acceptance, or something else entirely?

“Uh…” Taeyong starts, surprised when Johnny pulls his truck to a stop outside of his place, “aren’t you gonna take me home?”

The moon is high in the sky, and the crashing waves can be heard in the distance. The smell of salt in the air is refreshing and comforting, and Taeyong observes Johnny’s refurbished bus with new eyes. It’s clean and organized. Fresh. Johnny takes care of his home. And after seeing the conditions he grew up in, Taeyong now understands the pride he feels in his little sanctuary by the beach.

“Your mom is working tonight, and when we drove by the surf shop, your dad’s car was still parked there,” Johnny states, as if that answers Taeyong’s question.

“And your point is?”

Johnny clenches his jaw. “I don’t want you to be home alone right now,” he clarifies, cutting off the ignition. “I promise, after tonight, you can go back to living your life. But, for now, I just wanna make sure you’re safe. Okay?”

A sinking feeling of dread overwhelms Taeyong. Doesn’t Johnny know that he can never go back to normal? Does he think that Aron will try something? That he will show up at Taeyong’s house? Either way, Taeyong doesn’t ask. He just nods and quickly follows Johnny inside. The dark bus is warm from being off all day, and the humidity causes beads of sweat to form along Taeyong’s hairline. Johnny flips on the generator and a loud buzzing fills the air around them. The lights flicker on, and the air conditioner starts blowing simultaneously through the window unit.

Taeyong moves to stand in front of it, letting the icy air blow over his damp, heated skin. Being here makes Taeyong feel like he’s staring up at a tidal wave of his emotions. He’s powerless to keep it at bay, and it just continues to build and build and build. Fear. Hate. Grief. Despair. And then it crashes. It all comes tumbling down on top of him in an instant.

“Are you okay?” Johnny asks.

Out of the corner of his eye, Taeyong can see him leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest, but he doesn’t know how to answer that question. Taeyong knows Johnny is just concerned, but he struggles to keep his emotions in check. He wrestles with whether or not he wants to go down the rabbit hole tonight, but ultimately decides that he has to know. He won’t be able to live with himself otherwise.

“Did your brother kill Naeun?” Taeyong asks before looking down at the floor.

He doesn’t want to see Johnny when he answers. Taeyong doesn’t want to know what this all really means. Aron warned him that searching for answers would have consequences, but he has to know. He just has to. He hears Johnny pad across the wooden floor and feels the warmth of his presence at his back. Taeyong braces his palms on the countertop in front of him, squeezing the hard edges while waiting for the answer.

“I-I don’t know,” Johnny murmurs.

Hearing his answer breaks whatever dam is left holding back Taeyong’s grief and rage. He isn’t even thinking at this point, he’s just acting on pure instinct. Spinning around, he punches Johnny in the chest. Taeyong hits him, slaps him, then balls his fist and does it again and again as hot tears stream down his face. He cries. He breaks. He dies a little while marking Johnny’s skin with fierce anger. Blaring red blotches of skin greet him through the top of Johnny’s shirt with every punch, but he doesn’t stop Taeyong. He doesn’t even argue. Johnny takes every ounce of pain until Taeyong’s arms are shaking and weak. And when his trembling legs nearly give out, Johnny scoops him up and carries him to the couch. It feels like someone has poured concrete down his throat.

“Naeun once went to the house without me. We had a huge fight that morning and she was worried I was cheating or something. She was always so fucking paranoid about that. So, I guess she decided to take matters into her own hands and ask Aron if I was. Fucking stupid.”

Taeyong’s mind flashes to the hotel key card he found in the pocket of the shirt. People usually deflect blame to throw suspicion off of their own wrongdoings. So, was Naeun really cheating? Taeyong tries to search his memory, but comes up short. If he’s being honest, Naeun and Johnny were always fighting. About everything. If Johnny didn’t immediately text her back, if Naeun wanted to drag him to some party, if he was working too much. Hell, they even fought about Taeyong and how Johnny expressed his disdain when Naeun tried to dress Taeyong up and parade him around town. Sometimes, Taeyong would wonder if they were always looking for an excuse to argue. It was rarer when they weren’t at each other’s throats.

“What happened?”

“That’s the thing… _I don’t know_. Rome was the one who told me that she was there, and when I called to see what the fuck she was doing, she yelled at me. I was shocked she even went in the first place. Naeun hated going there. Not that I blamed her because Aron lives in a fucking dump. At first, I pushed for an explanation, but she was really fucking shaken up. I try to avoid my family as much as I can, so, at the time, I was fine with dropping the subject. But it kept gnawing at me, so I brought it up again a few days later. I never could get her to give me a straight answer about what she was doing there in the first place.”

Johnny sighs as he rubs a hand over his face, but before Taeyong can comment on anything he’s revealed, he continues talking.

“She always just brushed me off or gave me some vague answer or turned it around on me, like I was only curious because I didn’t want her snooping around. She was never the same after that. She distanced herself a bit, and I would catch her talking to Aron around town. I probably asked her a million times what happened, but she refused to tell me. She even said they were friends. Friends! Can you fucking believe that? Then, she went on this tangent about me minding my own business. It was one of the biggest fights we ever had.”

It’s so odd for Taeyong to realize that Naeun had been going through something without him knowing. They used to tell each other everything. They shared everything. Taeyong thought he knew her so well, thought he would know if she was going through something serious. He’s supposed to know all of her secrets, just like she died knowing all of his.

“She never told you? Why?” Taeyong asks.

Johnny folds his hands in front of him, sucking in a deep breath, then releasing it in exasperation. When their eyes finally meet, Taeyong is hit with so much pain that he has to look away.

“Maybe it was because she knew that I wanted nothing to do with my family,” Johnny suggests, and Taeyong reaches out to place his hand over the other’s. “I worked really fucking hard to move out from there. To escape. My father wasn’t a good man, and Aron is a whole hell of a lot like him. When my dad died, Aron started working with our cousins, pushing drugs until he was old enough to take over.”

“That’s why you moved out?”

“Yeah. With both my mom and dad gone, Rome took over as our guardian. He didn’t pay much attention to us and let Aron do whatever he wanted. I don’t think Rome even noticed when I moved out. I only still meet with my brother because our mom made us promise that we’d always stay by each other’s side. It was one of the last things she asked of us. I think she knew she was gonna die.”

Taeyong’s heart swells with pain for Johnny. His entire body is tense, as if bracing for the invisible punch of disappointment, and Taeyong can see sweat breaking out across his forehead, knuckles white from clenching them. Johnny feels like a wall of pain in that moment, and Taeyong can’t even begin to imagine the responsibility of being tied to a family you hate.

“I want nothing to do with the drugs or the violence. Abuse practically runs through our veins, but I tried to escape it as much as I could. I have to play nice to honor my mom, but there’s no love between me and Aron. And if he hurt Naeun…”

Johnny’s eyes narrow and turn a shade darker. He doesn’t have to finish his sentence for Taeyong to understand exactly what he’s thinking. But it’s in that moment that he knows, without a doubt, that Johnny did not kill Naeun. His vulnerability softens Taeyong’s own anger, and before he realizes what he’s doing, he reaches out and brushes Johnny’s cheek with his thumb. Johnny looks surprised at the touch, and the look on his face is enough for Taeyong to remember that he’s grieving. He starts to drop his arm, but Johnny catches his hand and brings it back up to his face.

“Tae,” he rasps as he moves his other hand to Taeyong’s waist and pulls the boy closer.

A million thoughts swim through his head all at once, and Johnny’s touch electrifies every cell in his body. All Taeyong wants is to feel good again, and Johnny’s skin on his own pumps adrenaline through his veins. Taeyong feels like he’s back to square one, back to feeling like what he’s doing is all wrong. Only, this time, he doesn’t want it to stop. He doesn’t want to think about anything but the two of them right here, right now. His mind is wholly consumed with Johnny.

His tenderness.

His passion.

His pain.

Johnny moves his hand to the back of Taeyong’s neck and draws him in. Without hesitation, Taeyong reaches up and brings Johnny down to his level until their lips meet. Johnny kisses him back fiercely, and his mouth parts as his tongue explores Taeyong’s bottom lip before breaking through the seam. Heat floods Taeyong’s body, settling between his thighs, and his worries are replaced with a deep need to be as close to Johnny as possible. He presses his body against Johnny’s and holds him tight as their tongues move in rhythm, dancing around one another before coming together.

Johnny’s hands wander down Taeyong’s back and grip his ass, lifting him up easily as he stands. Instinctively, Taeyong’s legs wrap around Johnny’s waist, and the latter carries him to the bedroom. It all happens so fast, with Johnny laying him down on his sheets, then lowering himself on top of Taeyong. Their kisses never break, but Johnny’s weight brings Taeyong back to reality.

“Johnny…” he whispers.

At the sound of Taeyong’s voice, and his name on his lips, Johnny pulls away, eyes clearing of all the previously felt desire. “I’m so sorry,” he apologizes. “I didn’t mean for that to happen.”

“I wanted it to,” Taeyong is quick to admit, “but I’m just… I’m just not sure it’s a good idea.”

He pushes himself up, fully intending to leave, but Johnny reaches out to stop him. “Stay,” Johnny demands, though his voice is nothing but tender. “Stay the night. _Please_. I don’t want you going back to an empty house. I promise nothing will happen.”

In truth, Taeyong doesn’t really want to go back to an empty house, either. He feels safer with Johnny. Plus, Aron is undoubtedly dangerous, and there’s still so much Taeyong doesn’t know about him.

“Okay,” he agrees quietly.

The two of them continue in silence, with Johnny handing over one of his shirts for Taeyong to wear, and the latter excuses himself to the bathroom in order to change. The entire time he’s in there, he can’t help but to obsess over what the two of them had done. Taeyong is ashamed, feeling sick to his stomach. He has betrayed Naeun so many times now that he may as well stop counting. While mortification sits heavy in his gut, however, Taeyong also finds that he wants to do it again. Kissing Johnny felt right, in some sense, but he doesn’t know if it’s only because of their shared trauma or something more.

Steeling himself, Taeyong finally exits the bathroom and finds that there’s a folded blanket and pillow placed on the leather couch. Johnny is nowhere to be seen, so Taeyong assumes that he’s already disappeared inside his partitioned bedroom for the night to give Taeyong some space. He doesn’t really want it, though. Every traitorous part of himself just wants to be near Johnny. Staring at the door, Taeyong gnaws on his bottom lip for a moment before deciding to just lay down. He cuddles into the blanket, situating himself into as comfortable of a position as he can, then closes his eyes, trying to let sleep take him away. 

Instead of the sweet relief of rest, visions of Aron and Naeun hold his thoughts hostage. He just doesn’t understand why Naeun would go to Aron’s without Johnny. His home is the type of place Naeun would never set foot in if she didn’t have to, and Taeyong can clearly picture her crinkling her nose up at the flies circling the trash can. Those thoughts are better than the ones that follow, though. Images of Naeun and Aron intertwined on ratty stained sheets invade his thoughts, and Taeyong squeezes his eyes shut tighter with the hopes that he can force it all away.

He doesn’t want to believe that Naeun was cheating on Johnny. And definitely not with his own brother. There has to be another reason why she went to see Aron on her own. Taeyong tosses and turns, wrestling with the idea of Aron and Naeun together before assuring himself that she wouldn’t do that. She _couldn’t_. Giving up on the idea of sleep, Taeyong gets up and quietly slips out the front door. He steps right out onto the beach and looks out onto the ocean. Then, he walks closer to the water and sits down on the cool sand. Just being out in the fresh air helps to clear his head tremendously.

“What were you doing?” Taeyong whispers, speaking the question to Naeun or to the universe or to whoever else may be listening. “I wish you were here to talk to me about it. I wish you had talked to me about it while you were still alive.”

Taeyong sits and listens to the water, watching the patterns that the moonlight is making across it as it rushes back and forth. When his thoughts are calmer and his eyelids begin to feel heavy, Taeyong finally forces himself to stand and heads back inside the bus.

❦

**ENTRY 006**   
_Honte_

He makes me feel dirty, makes me feel used. I want to scrub my skin until it’s polished and new. Orgasms no longer give me pleasure. Instead, they’ve all turned to guilt. Every touch, every smile, every sweet spoken word; it all feels tainted. It all feels wrong.

I think they know.

I’m sorry.

We’re bound to be caught soon.

I’m so sorry.

Please forgive me.

\- Naeun

Taeyong wakes up to the sound of waves. A soft blanket is draped over his body and his cheek is pressed to a cool pillow. Sitting up, he rubs his eyes and takes in the sight of the morning light bathing Johnny’s home in golden rays. A full pot of coffee sits on the countertop, the smell completely overtaking the small home, and Taeyong sits up. He runs his fingers over his neck, attempting to work out the kinks, then looks down at Johnny’s oversized shirt currently adorning his body. He never planned on spending the night, it just sort of happened, and now Taeyong only wishes he could have slept longer.

When he fully realizes where he is, thoughts of last night assault him. The kiss. The lingering touches. The feel of Johnny’s body against his own. But, more so than that, he thinks about the way Johnny had opened up to him. He had told Taeyong about his family and revealed more about Naeun’s murder. So many things that had Taeyong’s head spinning. It’s more obvious now than ever that he has a lot to come to terms with.

Not wanting to waste any more time stuck in his thoughts, Taeyong quickly dresses and folds the blanket he was using, deciding not to indulge in the coffee Johnny set out for him. He already knows Johnny is probably outside right now on the waves because, much like Taeyong, that’s where he feels the most free. That’s where he feels alive. Stepping out of the bus, Taeyong pads down the beach a little ways and catches sight of Johnny cutting through the ocean on his board, expertly dancing across the thrashing water with skill.

Taeyong shamefully watches him, allowing himself to feel guilty for a brief moment about what had happened between them last night. Taeyong has wronged Naeun in ways no one deserves. He kissed Jaehyun, now Johnny, and he can’t even blame the latter on his debilitating grief. Because, in the moment, Naeun wasn’t on his mind at all. Taeyong feels sick to his stomach. He’s disgusted with himself. He has never been the type to flirt, to touch, to date, to kiss, to give in to his desires. Yet he’s throwing out everything that makes him who he is all because of… _what_ exactly? He can’t help in thinking that if Naeun were here, she would have slapped him.

She isn’t even cold in the ground, and here Taeyong is kissing the boy she loved and lusting after her brother. Round and round and round, his mind races as he watches Johnny surf. He doesn’t seem to have noticed Taeyong yet, and he isn’t sure he’s ready to talk to Johnny anyway. He doesn’t seem bothered by last night, but Taeyong can’t stop thinking about it. Their kiss was full of passion, and Johnny’s touch ignited something within him that Taeyong can’t even articulate.

But it was wrong.

And if Johnny doesn’t feel bad about it, then Taeyong can feel bad about it enough for the both of them. Deciding not to wait for Johnny to come back to shore, Taeyong turns and starts walking down the road in the direction of his school. He sets one foot in front of the other, almost robotically, and allows his obsessive thoughts to drive him forward.

“Naeun, I’m fucking everything up here,” Taeyong whispers to the air. The two of them have traveled this same road many times before, and if he closes his eyes, he swears he can almost hear her giggling as she coasts down the long hill. “I’m so sorry. It’s pretty shitty, huh? All our lives, you’ve been telling me to go crazy for once and to let loose. You’ve been shoving boys at me since I first came out to you, and here I am… kissing your brother and Johnny of all people.”

Taeyong imagines what Naeun would say. She would probably kick his ass for touching her man, and Taeyong would absolutely deserve it. She would also probably kick Jaehyun’s ass for touching her best friend. The thought forces a strangled laugh from Taeyong’s throat, and before he realizes it, he’s made it all the way to school. The sounds of teenagers talking and laughing around him briefly stirs him out of his compulsive thoughts, and he finds himself wishing he could go back in time. Back to when Naeun was still here and they were a part of the throng of normal teenagers worried about tests and boys.

Taeyong lets his feet take him along the familiar route to his locker, but last night and the events leading up to it still play in his head on loop. He can still smell the rotting garbage of the mobile home mixed with the sweet apple pie. The memory makes his insides twist, but he redirects his attention to his locker and focuses on putting in the right combination.

“Are those the same clothes you were wearing yesterday?” Jaehyun asks, his presence sudden at Taeyong’s back.

“Yes,” he answers, subconsciously looking down at his outfit.

Taeyong is surprised that Jaehyun even noticed the clothes that he was wearing, considering how hard he's been avoiding him. But, maybe, he had been paying a lot closer attention than Taeyong thought.

“Why are you wearing the same clothes?”

“I didn’t go home last night.”

“From the barbecue,” Jaehyun provides, starting to put the pieces together. “You spent the night with Johnny,” he says, anger brimming over in his voice.

Taeyong doesn’t even need to confirm anything for Jaehyun to understand. It’s clear as day, and Taeyong is honestly a little too exhausted by everything to talk about it. The two of them still haven’t discussed anything since Taeyong caught Jaehyun with Cherie, and he’s seething at the fact that Jaehyun has the nerve to be upset about him not spending the night in his own bed.

Jaehyun bares his teeth in rage as his suspicions are silently confirmed and sends a fist straight into the locker next to Taeyong’s with enough force to leave a dent. Taeyong just stares at him in disbelief, eyes wide and body involuntarily trembling at his outburst. Jaehyun is spiraling out of control, and for the first time, Taeyong is scared of him. Jaehyun must have seen the fear on his face because he immediately drops his fist and the anger drains from his body.

“Ty… I’m so sorry,” he apologizes pleadingly. But Taeyong can’t move or speak, his body still in shock. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I don’t know where that came from. I would never hurt you, I swear. I was just so worried about you yesterday. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again,” he rambles desperately. 

For someone so worried about him, though, Jaehyun sure didn’t bother to call or text. He didn’t check in at all yesterday before Taeyong left with Johnny, and it pisses him off that Jaehyun gets to pick and choose when his anger best suits him. By this time, a crowd has gathered around them, with people staring and whispering. Those that didn’t see what happened are asking their friends for the play-by-play, and others are taking pictures of the fist-shaped dent in the locker. Taeyong wants to believe Jaehyun, wants his apology to feel genuine, but he can’t force himself not to tremble at his aggressiveness. Warily, Taeyong eyes the growing crowd, and Jaehyun turns around to yell at them.

“What the fuck are you all looking at? Go to class or something.”

Slowly, the students start to fan out, though some linger, obviously still curious about what has Jaehyun so angry. Taeyong feels drained with it all. Overwhelmed. His eyes are heavy with exhaustion, and he wants a too hot shower paired with a good twenty-four hours to process everything that he’s learned about Naeun. But he knows he needs to set his foot down and deal with this now.

“If you ever raise a hand to me again, consider me out of your life. I won’t ever talk to you again,” Taeyong tells him calmly. “We’re both suffering, Jae. We’re grieving, and we’re… _broken_. But I’m not gonna stand here and let your temper tantrums intimidate me.”

Jaehyun has the decency to look ashamed, and his eyes are downcast as he absorbs every single word Taeyong lets spill from his lips. “I’m sorry,” he whispers again. “I’m so sorry.”

“I love you, Jae,” he continues, and Jaehyun’s eyes snap up to him, awe glimmering in his gaze. “I care about you and I don’t wanna fight with you. I don’t wanna be scared of you. I wanna work together and figure out what happened to Naeun, but I can’t do that if you’re constantly pushing me away.”

Reaching forward, Jaehyun grabs Taeyong by the hips and leans closer, pressing their foreheads together in the process. “You love me?” he asks.

Of all the things Taeyong had said, he’s surprised that he clung to that statement most. “Of course I do,” he replies. “We’re like… family.”

Taeyong breathes in Jaehyun’s minty breath and the smell of the woodsy cologne clinging to his skin. Jaehyun digs his fingers into Taeyong’s hips and presses his pelvis closer to the other’s. Taeyong knows people are watching and knows that they’re going to have a lot of questions. This can only bring more trouble. More gossip.

“I love you, too, Ty. It’s why I get so crazy thinking about you with Johnny. I just want you to be safe, okay?”

Jaehyun grabs his chin and forces Taeyong to look up at him, his soft lips only a breath away. “I was safe,” Taeyong replies as images of his kiss with Johnny burn across his mind, but he refuses to divulge that information to the boy in front of him.

“Good,” Jaehyun says before leaning down and kissing the line of Taeyong’s jaw.

“Jae… people are watching,” he whispers.

“Let them,” Jaehyun states, cupping Taeyong’s neck and searing their lips together.

Taeyong wants to give in, wants to part his mouth and moan at the firm stroke of Jaehyun’s tongue. He wants to thread his fingers through his soft hair and relax into the pleasure, but the attraction feels dulled now. It feels pressured by peering eyes and Jaehyun’s earlier anger. Not to mention, Jaehyun has never once kissed a boy — at least not in any public setting — and Taeyong has heard nothing about him dating guys or talking to them in a romantic way. It makes him feel like Jaehyun is only doing this for his own selfish reasons and not because he actually wants it. Of course, Taeyong has no way of knowing what Jaehyun’s sexuality really is, but he’s always been one to trust his gut. And, right now, it’s telling him to run far away from the situation.

“Stop,” Taeyong whispers breathlessly while pushing against his chest.

Jaehyun frowns, but obeys. And they both stand there awkwardly for a moment. The bell rings, saving them from the tension, but both of their feet seem cemented to the tiled floor. Taeyong is locked in his hard stare, feeling guilty but firm at the same time.

“We’re supposed to get the rest of the autopsy report this afternoon,” Jaehyun tells him. “Come over. We can talk about what happened with Johnny.”

Taeyong notices that there isn’t really a question in his words. It’s more of a demand than anything, but he still nods. “Okay.”

Despite everything, he doesn’t want Jaehyun to go through something like that by himself. And his parents are still gone, grieving somewhere that doesn’t remind them of their dead daughter, so Jaehyun is completely alone. He has no one else. Pulling Taeyong out of his thoughts, Jaehyun reaches forward and tucks a strand of hair behind his ear.

“And it might not be today, or even tomorrow, but this,” Jaehyun gestures between them with his index finger, “is far from over.”

Even though Taeyong has sat in the Jungs’ living room a thousand times, he still can’t help but admire the beautifully decorated space. Jaehyun’s mother has impeccable taste, it’s undeniable. All of the furniture is oriented towards the floor-to-ceiling windows that overlook the ocean, and the stunning view of the beach makes the all-white décor feel inviting instead of sterile. There are a few accents of grays and blues that give the room a bit of color, but the focus is definitely on the water.

Taeyong is pulled from his trance when Jaehyun returns from the kitchen with some drinks and snacks. Taeyong takes both from him, placing a mini bagel and some cream cheese down on the table before he starts lathering it up in a way that his own mother would probably scold him for. As he’s doing so, it dawns on him that he has never once asked Jaehyun how he’s getting by on his own. He hadn’t even bothered to ask how Jaehyun is doing. And that fact is both embarrassing and shameful.

“Jae… how long have your parents been gone? Have you been eating full meals? Doing your laundry?”

“Yeah, I’m totally good. No worries. Mom has a housekeeper coming every day, and she hired someone to make a bunch of food and freeze it for me. All I gotta do is heat it up.”

Jaehyun shrugs, acting like everything he’s said is completely normal, acting like having a small team of people taking care of him instead of his own parents while he grieves his twin sister is perfectly okay. Taeyong’s heart aches for him, and for a moment, he sees Jaehyun as the little boy who would make sandcastles on the beach with him instead of the grown man he is now. It makes him wonder if Jaehyun plans on leaving this all behind after he graduates.

“You can always come over for dinner at my house. And you know you can sleep over whenever. My mom wasn’t just saying that to be nice. You have a lot of people who care about you,” Taeyong assures him.

“I know. I mean, some nights it’s hard being here, but some nights it helps me feel closer to her,” Jaehyun explains, and Taeyong gives a small nod of understanding. “So, what happened yesterday at the barbecue?” he asks, trying his hardest not to sound too eager.

Taeyong sighs, pushing his bagel around with the butter knife absentmindedly. “Did you know that Naeun used to go up there with Johnny?”

A look of surprise flits across Jaehyun’s face, but he recovers quickly. “No, but she didn’t exactly talk to me much about Johnny. She knew I didn’t like him, so we just didn’t talk about it.”

“She didn’t tell me, either. I wonder why she kept it from us,” Taeyong muses. “Johnny’s family was… pretty intense.”

“What does that mean?”

“Aron seemed really interested in me. And Naeun. He wanted to know how well I knew her.”

“What did you tell him?” Jaehyun asks, leaning closer.

“I lied. I told him that we used to be close but weren’t anymore. He really freaked me the fuck out,” Taeyong tells him, but at the murderous look that crosses Jaehyun’s face, he quickly amends his statement. “But I stayed close to Johnny. He seemed to not trust his family, either. He kept me safe.”

That apparently is the wrong thing to say, because Jaehyun’s scowl dips even further. “What else happened?”

“Johnny mentioned that he caught Aron and Naeun talking a lot. She also went to Aron’s house without Johnny once, and I found a hotel key card in her belongings that he gave to me. You don’t think Naeun was…”

Taeyong doesn’t even want to articulate it. Naeun was always a free spirit, and she had one of those hearts that poured love into anyone and everyone she met. She was beautiful, likeable, definitely one of those people who came across as flirty even when she wasn’t trying to be.

“What hotel?”

“Sanderling Resort. What reason would she have to go there?”

Jaehyun chews on the inside of his cheek, gaze far away and lost in thought. “Let me look into it, okay? You’ve already done a lot, so thank you. Let’s not jump to any conclusions until I can check things out.”

Taeyong doesn’t want to think that Naeun was hooking up with Aron, but there was definitely _something_ between them. Doubting Naeun makes him feel sick to his stomach, and seemingly perceptive to his inner turmoil, Jaehyun reaches over and pats his thigh gently. 

“You okay?”

“I just feel bad for Johnny. What if Naeun was cheating?”

Jaehyun pulls his hand back just as quickly and strokes his jaw before turning his attention outside. “I guess it would give him more motive then, huh?”

Taeyong squeezes his eyes shut, not wanting to think about any of this anymore, but he also knows he should defend Johnny. However, before he gets the chance to, a knock sounds at the door and startles him. Assuming that it’s the detectives, Jaehyun makes his way over to the door and pulls it open. In most cases, law enforcement doesn’t drop by and discuss these things at length. The family of the deceased is mostly left to deal with the aftermath alone, but not when it comes to their little island. Everyone is so closely connected that it would be completely wrong and impersonal if they followed protocol. So, they simply choose not to.

Two men follow Jaehyun into the living room, and Taeyong turns to greet them with a small smile. He recognizes one as Detective Villareal, but he determines that the man accompanying him must be new. He looks way more relaxed and not at all like someone getting ready to deliver some harsh news.

“Mr. Lee, can’t say I’m surprised to see you here. But I’m glad Jaehyun doesn’t have to be alone for this. We’ve already emailed the report to Mr. and Mrs. Jung,” Detective Villareal says with a forced smile.

An uneasy feeling washes over Taeyong, but he attempts to focus as the other man introduces himself as Detective McCoy and starts reviewing the file. His words float right through Taeyong though, and he’s unable to fully process the biological terms he’s using to describe someone Taeyong loves so much. His voice drones on for what feels like an eternity until one simple word demands his attention. One word that crashes all around him like waves during a hurricane. One word that has him doubting all over again just how close he and Naeun really were.

 _Fetus_.

Naeun was pregnant.

Detective McCoy keeps reading the report in his easy monotone manner, not noticing the identical looks of shock on both Taeyong and Jaehyun’s faces. The detective continues, talking about how the purple spots in Naeun’s eyes and the trauma to her hyoid bone are evidence of strangulation. Detective McCoy’s demeanor doesn’t change, however, and it’s more like he’s simply reading off the weather report instead of dropping bombshell after bombshell. When he shows no signs of stopping, Detective Villareal holds up his hand to silence his partner and looks back and forth between Jaehyun and Taeyong.

“Neither of you knew she was pregnant,” Detective Villareal states, clarifying it more for McCoy’s benefit than anyone else’s.

“Are you sure?” Taeyong asks, voice coming out in a strangled whisper.

“Yes,” McCoy answers. “Normally, the medical examiner wouldn’t have even looked. But since the body had been disarticulated by the wildlife, all of the organs recovered were examined individually. Based on the fetal development, she was very early on in the pregnancy. Probably between seven to ten weeks, if we had to estimate. She may have only just found out herself before her death.”

“We’re running the fetal tissue for DNA, but, unfortunately, the forensic labs are backed up. It’ll take at least six weeks to get the results back,” Villareal says, his tone a lot more gentle than his partner’s. Leaning forward, he places a reassuring hand on Jaehyun’s shoulder and looks him in the eye. “The fetal DNA may be a direct link to her killer. We’re gonna find who did this to your sister and her baby.”

Jaehyun nods, but his eyes are vacant. Like he can’t actually process any of this. Taeyong doesn’t know what to do, either. He feels as though he can’t process it himself, but he also knows that Jaehyun is probably having an even worse time with all of the news.

“We’ll be talking to Johnny Seo again as well. Until we get the DNA back, we won’t know for sure, but since they were romantically involved, we need to inform him about the baby. Do either of you have any reason to believe that Johnny knew she was pregnant?”

“Johnny hasn’t mentioned it. All I know is that Naeun was drinking heavily the night of the party. Maybe she didn’t even know herself,” Taeyong replies.

“Or she knew and didn’t care,” McCoy interjects before sealing his lips shut.

Taeyong glares at him. “I know my best friend. She wanted a big family. We might be young, but if Naeun knew she was pregnant, she would have taken that very seriously. She wouldn’t have been drinking, and she would have told me. We told each other everything.”

Detective Villareal looks at the ground before forcing himself to make eye contact with Taeyong again. “I took the liberty of calling a few doctors’ offices in the area to see if she had set up any prenatal appointments. Turns out, she made an appointment at the local women’s clinic for an abortion. It was set for a few days after her birthday. Naeun Jung knew she was pregnant. Now, we just need to know who else knew and if they didn’t take the news very well.”

“What are you suggesting?” Taeyong asks.

“I’m just saying, there may be another player in this. Johnny was our initial suspect, but there could be someone else. We’re gonna thoroughly examine every lead.”

Taeyong swallows, mind automatically going back to Aron. What if the baby belonged to him? What if that’s why Naeun wanted an abortion? Taeyong debates on telling the police this information, but he keeps thinking about Johnny. What if he found out and got angry? What if Johnny was so angry that he snapped and killed Naeun in his rage? Taeyong looks over at Jaehyun, who is turning pale, and he quickly realizes that the boy next to him can’t handle much more of this conversation.

“Thank you, but I think we just need a bit to process everything,” Taeyong says as he stands. “I’ll walk you out.” Both detectives nod and the trio heads to the door. Once they’re at the threshold, Taeyong opens the door and lowers his voice so Jaehyun can’t hear. “Can you maybe look into Aron Seo? Johnny’s brother. Naeun and him might have been seeing each other. I’m not one-hundred-percent sure, but…”

Detective Villareal pulls out a notepad and writes down the request. Taeyong feels a multitude of emotions for revealing his suspicions, but he knows it’s the right thing to do. Even if it feels wrong.

“I’m familiar with Aron. He’s been on my radar for quite some time now. I’ll look into it. People can do insane things when they’re jealous, Taeyong. Be careful out there, and we’ll keep you updated.”

Taeyong nods as he closes the door behind the pair and takes a moment to center himself before making his way back to Jaehyun. His mind is still reeling, though. He can’t believe Naeun was pregnant and that she had scheduled an abortion without even mentioning it or hinting at it to him. Taeyong pushes down the feeling that he never really knew her at all and walks into the living room to console Naeun’s mourning twin.

Jaehyun is standing by the window, watching the water roll up onto the sand and then retreat back into the ocean. Taeyong steps up next to him, the beautiful view in front of them perverted by the detectives’ words. The images of Naeun’s mangled body that Taeyong has tried so hard to repress come flooding back, and the thought of a tiny fetus being among the carnage breaks him. Tears fall freely from his eyes, and he catches sight of tears also streaming down Jaehyun’s anguished face reflected in the window.

Taeyong turns into him and buries his face in his shoulder. Jaehyun reciprocates, wrapping his arms around Taeyong as their bodies heave in sync. The two of them stand there for what feels like an eternity, just holding each other and crying. But when Taeyong’s eyes start to burn and he finds he has no more tears to give, he breaks the embrace. Neither of them speak, but they don’t really have to. There’s nothing left to say.

Taeyong has no idea what time it is, but day has given way to night and his body is aching for sleep. He takes Jaehyun by the hand and leads him up the stairs to his bedroom, the boy following him almost robotically. It’s like he’s not even in control of his body anymore. When they reach his room, Taeyong is surprised at what he sees. Beer cans litter the floor, along with clothes and photos of Naeun that are scattered aimlessly all over the place. Jaehyun’s bedding is twisted and tangled on the mattress, and there are several holes punched through the drywall.

The rest of the house seems so serene and peaceful, making his room appear completely disconnected. It’s obvious that this is where Jaehyun chooses to fall apart, to let out all of his hurt and anger. Deciding not to comment, Taeyong helps Jaehyun out of his clothes and settles him into the bed. He slides into the other side next to him and maneuvers Jaehyun’s head onto his lap. Taeyong runs his fingers through his hair in slow, gentle strokes and watches as Jaehyun breathes in and out methodically, though each breath is clogged with emotion.

“I would’ve been an uncle,” Jaehyun says. “I would’ve been a good uncle.”

Taeyong’s heart breaks at his words, and it takes everything in him not to crumble. More tears stream from Jaehyun’s bloodshot eyes, and Taeyong wipes away each one with his palm.

“Tell me what I can do,” Taeyong pleads.

Jaehyun doesn’t answer him because, deep down, they both know the truth. There’s nothing either of them can do. There are no words or acts that can bring Naeun back. Nothing can make the gruesome reality of her death disappear. So, Taeyong just continues to hold Jaehyun, stroking his hair and watching him cry until he finally falls asleep. And only then does Taeyong allow himself to fall apart completely. 

**ENTRY 007**   
_Chute_

Life is such a fragile thing, don’t you think? It’s crazy how two little lines have the power to change everything. He’s going to be so angry with me. We were so careful. Well, except when we weren’t. Except when we frantically fucked like our lives depended on it. How can something so precious, so innocent, ruin everything with its mere existence? 

\- Naeun

It’s after three in the morning when a still wide awake Taeyong slides out of bed, gives Jaehyun a chaste kiss on the cheek, then heads out of the house. Taeyong is dizzy with exhaustion, but he’s also fueled by a purpose bigger than himself as he climbs into his Jeep and takes off. His headlights illuminate the sunbaked road as he flies down street after street, his eyes feeling heavy and swollen, but the wind that whips at his cheeks manages to keep his mind focused on the task at hand. In no time at all, he’s parking his Jeep outside of Johnny’s converted bus and clenching the steering wheel as he works up the courage to wake the boy up in the middle of the night.

He sits there for a few minutes in the dark, listening to the crashing waves in the distance and the whirring of crickets. He knows he really shouldn’t be here — for more reasons than just one — but his questions need answers. He won’t be able to rest otherwise. Climbing out of the vehicle, Taeyong makes his way up to the front door and knocks with a curled fist. He can hear a bit of fumbling inside, followed by a few groans, and it causes his nerves to go haywire. He’s just thinking about how this is all a horrible idea when Johnny pulls open the door wearing nothing but a pair of sweatpants that are hanging low on his hips.

“What’re you doing here?”

“Did you know?” Taeyong asks, voice hoarse.

In the distance, thunder booms as if to accentuate his words, and it truly seems fitting that a storm would choose now to hit. It’s nothing compared to the hurricane currently wreaking havoc in his chest, though.

“Did I know what?”

“Did you know she was pregnant?” Taeyong clarifies as fat droplets of water hit the top of his head and slide down his cheek.

“Let’s talk about this inside, Tae.”

Taeyong keeps his feet solid, refusing to budge as lightning strikes in the distance. More thunder booms and echoes around them, the heavens opening up as a torrential downpour envelopes him. Johnny reaches out and grabs his arm, but Taeyong shrugs him off.

“Did you know?” Taeyong asks again, shouting over the loud rain and angry sky. “Did you know she was pregnant?”

Johnny reaches for him a second time, but Taeyong merely takes another step back. Johnny doesn’t accept his refusal like before, however, and grabs Taeyong by the waist before dragging him inside. Taeyong’s clothes are sopping wet and dripping on the floors, but he can do nothing more than stare helplessly at the puddle growing underneath him while Johnny locks the door.

“Fuck, Tae. You’re gonna get sick.” Johnny hands him a towel, then disappears inside of his bedroom, only to reappear minutes later holding a shirt. “Put this on,” he demands, holding the article of clothing out to him.

Taeyong simply stares at it as he clutches the beach towel tighter around his body. “Did you know?” Thunder cracks like an echo to his words outside. “Did you?” And tears start spilling from his eyes.

Johnny’s lips thin into a fine line, and he rips the towel away from Taeyong’s shivering body. His hands angrily yank at the waistband of Taeyong’s shorts, tearing them down his slick thighs and discarding them onto the floor. Then, he reaches for the hem of Taeyong’s shirt and pulls it over his head, a numb sort of awareness settling over the latter.

“Get changed, and then we can talk,” Johnny whispers, staring at Taeyong with a mixture of shame and heat.

“Turn around,” Taeyong tells him.

The world stops for the briefest of moments as indecision stunts Johnny’s movements, but then he slowly turns around and gives Taeyong his back. “I knew.”

Taeyong has to swallow a sob that threatens to break loose at his words, and he shakily starts to cover himself with Johnny’s clothes. “Did you ask her to terminate the pregnancy, then?”

“No,” Johnny states, turning around to face him again. “I wanted to keep the baby, but it wasn’t my decision to make.”

Taeyong scoffs, his fierce emotions getting the better of him. “That baby was just as much yours as it was Naeun’s.” 

Johnny’s face falls. “That’s the thing, Tae… it wasn’t.”

“What?” Taeyong asks incredulously.

Johnny scrubs his hands down his face. “The baby wasn’t mine.”

Taeyong’s legs are shaking as he stumbles over to the leather couch and sinks down into the cushions. His fingers curl around the edge and he squeezes tightly as he tries to blink away his suddenly blurry vision. It’s one thing to grieve your best friend, but another thing entirely to find out that you never really knew the girl you were grieving. Taeyong feels as though his entire world has been ripped out from under him. _Again_.

“I was gonna break up with her,” Johnny explains, slowly sliding into the space next to Taeyong. “A week before her birthday. I was just so… _tired_ , you know? Tired of the constant fucking and fighting, the repetitive back and forth. She had been acting off, and I figured that she could tell my heart wasn’t in it. Our relationship had run its course, and I realized that I didn’t love Naeun. The truth is that I had started to develop feelings for someone else, and it didn’t feel right anymore.”

The thought of Johnny liking someone else makes an unsettling feeling curdle within Taeyong. Naeun had mentioned that she and Johnny had attempted to call it quits multiple times, but it just never stuck. Now he wonders if she knew that Johnny had his eye on someone else the entire time.

“So, what happened?” Taeyong urges, though he’s unsure if he actually wants to hear any more.

“I found the pregnancy test. At first, she tried to deny it, but I eventually got it out of her. I freaked the fuck out, admittedly, but then I kinda… got excited. I even,” Johnny pauses, swallowing hard as he looks towards the door to their right, then stands.

Taeyong watches him as he walks into his bedroom before returning a minute later with a onesie covered in surfboards clutched in his hand. Taeyong’s heart swells at the sight, then bursts when he thinks of all that could have been but never will be. Johnny didn’t want to keep the box of Naeun’s belongings, but he still kept that. Taeyong swallows the lump in his throat as Johnny sets the baby clothes down with such care and attention that one would think it’s made of glass.

“I’m a man,” Johnny continues, returning to his spot on the couch. “A man who takes responsibility. I wanted to marry her, make things work for our kid, but she started to freak out at just the mention of it. She told me that she couldn’t handle it. I thought, maybe, she just needed some time to process everything. It’s not like we planned this, and I always wore a condom so it’s not like we thought it was even a possibility. We were very careful.”

“I just… I can’t believe I didn’t know any of this was even happening,” Taeyong whispers.

He tries to think back to the week leading up to the party, but Naeun didn’t seem off at all then. She still smiled and joked like she always did. It was like nothing was wrong, but she knew she was pregnant at the time. Naeun’s entire life was changing, and Taeyong had no idea.

“Right before her party, we got into this huge fight. I had caught her drinking, and I told her that it was bad for the baby. She got fucking pissed and started screaming at me, telling me that I knew nothing. That’s when she told me that she was gonna take care of it.” 

Taeyong blinks, head spinning. He knew Johnny and Naeun were bickering at the party, but it didn’t seem that bad at the time. He just thought that Johnny wanted to leave. 

“When I asked her what _taking care of it_ meant, she told me that she made an appointment at the clinic for an abortion. That’s also conveniently the moment she dropped a bomb on me and told me that it didn’t matter what I wanted because the baby wasn’t mine. She had been acting weird for a while by then and disappearing at random times, so the second that she said I wasn’t the father, it’s like everything clicked into place. I was shocked, but I was also…” Johnny drops his head, wrapping his hands around the back of his neck as he curls his body in shame. “I was also relieved.”

“So, why were you there then?” Taeyong questions. “Why stay? Why didn’t you tell us what was going on?”

“It wasn’t my story to tell, and I already had the cops breathing down my neck. Think, Tae. This looks really fucking bad. If I were to tell them that my girlfriend admitted to me that she was pregnant with another guy’s baby the night she was murdered, the cops would have locked me up without a second thought.” Taeyong chews on the inside of his cheek as Jaehyun’s earlier words echo in his mind. _Motive_. Johnny definitely has it, but Taeyong just doesn’t believe he had anything to do with it. “The reason I still showed up, though, was because I wanted to talk it out and try to help her. We said stupid shit to hurt one another all the time, but even if the baby wasn’t mine, I knew Naeun was still struggling. Sure, I wasn’t in love with her, but I was still worried. Then…”

“Then, what?” Taeyong asks, encouraging Johnny to keep going, afraid that if he stops while he’s on a roll he’ll never reveal the truth.

“Then, the fight broke out and the cops showed up. That’s when I truly realized that I wanted — no, _needed_ — a break from the train wreck that was Naeun’s life. I started to leave, but before I was able to, I found out that the person I’d _really_ been falling for the entire time needed a ride home…”

Taeyong stiffens at Johnny’s words, memories of that night washing over him like a wave. He remembers Naeun telling him that she would call him after she dealt with the police, but that Johnny would take him home. He remembers riding in the passenger seat alongside Johnny in his beaten up truck and how he had seen him in such a different light in that moment. Where Taeyong had always thought that Johnny was cold and too good to hang with them, he realized on that ride that Johnny was nice and caring, albeit a little too blunt for his own good. He never once thought that Johnny felt anything for him, though. In fact, he thought Johnny was only cordial with him because he was Naeun’s best friend.

“What?” Taeyong manages, the word barely audible.

Johnny chews on his bottom lip as he turns his body towards Taeyong. “I told you I was a monster,” he says, reaching out to tenderly stroke Taeyong’s cheek, “but it’s not because I did anything wrong. It’s because I’m not as sad as I’m supposed to be. I’m not the typical grieving boyfriend that everyone expects. While my cheating girlfriend was dying in those woods, I was lying in bed and feeling hopeful about my future. I was feeling _free_.”

Taeyong quivers, eyes brimming with unshed tears as he stares right at Johnny’s face. There are so many emotions swirling around inside of him, and his body can’t decide which one to focus on. It’s all too much, and he feels as though God is about to strike him down right in this moment for the little flutter he feels in his stomach.

“Naeun was like a scream; loud and piercing, someone you couldn’t help but pay attention to. But, you know what, Tae? I realized that I liked this whisper of a boy who was calm and understated, but powerful all the same. Being around him was like breathing air, I didn’t have to think. It all just came so naturally. He’s beautiful in ways I didn’t think one person could be. The night Naeun died, I was driving that boy home and I was thankful that the baby wasn’t mine. While she was taking her last breath, I was thanking whatever higher power that may be listening because it meant I had another chance at _this_.”

Taeyong is speechless. He knows the two of them kissed, but he truly thought Johnny only did so because they were both hurting and Taeyong was just… _there_. He had no idea that Johnny was carrying all of this extra weight around, that he had been feeling all of these things for Taeyong that the latter was completely unaware of. And he has no idea how to react. He doesn’t know what the appropriate reaction is, doesn’t know what exactly he’s even feeling. It’s all too much too soon, and Taeyong is terrified of what this all may mean.

“I didn’t plan on liking you,” Johnny tells him, and Taeyong can see that he’s still struggling with the guilt that his feelings have brought on. “But one day, when you’re ready, I’ll tell you how it happened. How I started to fall for the boy that hid in the shadows instead of the girl that enjoyed being the life of the party. I could’ve never guessed that our world would implode before I got the chance to tell you, but it did. And now you’re here. And if I were a good man, I’d push you away right now.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m the sort of man that doesn’t cry at his girlfriend’s funeral, Taeyong.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Kudos, comments, and any kind of other feedback is always welcome and definitely encouraged. You get an extra thank you for taking the time to do so, but just reading is appreciated and you're still valid! If you'd like to follow me on Twitter, where I sometimes post edits and previews for upcoming fics, then I'll leave the link to that and my Curious Cat account below. 
> 
> My DMs are always open to anyone, no matter if you follow me or not, if you'd like to discuss anything or just need someone to talk to! I also have Discord and am willing to give out my username if you ask. Hope everyone has a nice day, be safe out there!
> 
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	4. Chapter 4

On the drive back to Jaehyun’s house, Taeyong can’t stop thinking about Johnny’s words. He didn’t know what to say then, and he doesn’t know what to say now. Luckily, Johnny hadn’t expected some type of response or a declaration of reciprocated feelings. Instead, he had let Taeyong sit there and process it all as they waited out the storm. And when Taeyong left, Johnny had wordlessly kissed him on the cheek as the sun rose over the ocean. Johnny’s eyes looked him over with regret and hope, but Taeyong just doesn’t know how to feel. There are so many conflicting emotions going on inside of him, and he can’t even _begin_ to grasp onto one that holds the answers.

When he pulls into the Jungs’ driveway, he realizes that he’s still only wearing Johnny’s shirt. It’s long enough that Taeyong’s soaked shorts forgotten in a pile on Johnny’s floor hadn’t even registered in his mind on the drive back. It doesn’t bother him, but he also doesn’t want Jaehyun asking questions about where Taeyong has been and why he isn’t fully dressed. He plans on telling Jaehyun what he found out, but Taeyong isn’t prepared enough to handle his reaction right now. Not when he hasn’t fully come to terms himself with all the information Johnny dumped on him. A headache is already starting to settle behind his eyes as he exits the Jeep and makes his way into the house with quiet steps.

He practically glides across the floors, stopping in to check on Jaehyun — who’s still sleeping — before heading straight for Naeun’s room. He opens the door quietly, like his best friend is right inside and he’s trying not to wake her. For a moment, he pretends that she is. He pretends that Naeun is alive and that he’s simply snuck over to wake her for school. Taeyong flips on the light, shattering his illusion, and chills break out across his skin the moment his feet land on the plush carpet. The room is very nearly completely preserved — save for the few items the police took — and it’s almost like a shrine to Naeun’s memory. Taeyong can’t help but feel like there are secrets hidden in every corner and crevice of the room.

Walking over to the bed, he runs his fingers over the soft comforter and thinks back to her birthday party. Taeyong had sat on this very bed hours before the party officially began while Naeun put on makeup and curled her hair. He has spent so much time in this room over the years, with Naeun forcing him to have tea parties with her and him forcing her to put on fashion shows for him. They spent countless hours talking about boys and planning out their futures together. Taeyong really thought he knew everything about her. Perhaps, he really has always been as naïve as Naeun claimed.

Doing his best not to disturb anything, Taeyong walks over to the closet and begins searching around for any articles of clothing left behind by him previously. He opens a few drawers in the built-in dresser and rummages through them, but comes up empty-handed. That’s when he sets his sights on the top shelf of the closet, standing on his tiptoes in order to sweep his hand across it. Just as he’s about to give up, though, his hand brushes over something hard and he stops to feel the object. He closes his fingers around whatever it is and lifts it from its place, only to find that it’s a book bound in leather. Falling back on his heels, Taeyong opens it to discover that it’s not actually a book at all but a journal. A diary, if you will.

Before he even has the chance to open it, however, a picture drops out and floats to the floor. Taeyong bends down to pick it up and finds that it’s a sonogram. In the left corner is Naeun’s name with the words **7W5D** printed directly underneath it. Taeyong’s throat constricts as he runs his fingers over the picture, and he finds himself getting emotional even though he can’t really make anything out. It’s just a black and white blob, but it’s the fact that Taeyong knows there was a life pulsing on the faint image that nearly shatters him.

“Fuck, Naeun. What did you do?” he whispers.

With careful hands, Taeyong slips the photo back in-between the pages of Naeun’s journal and turns his focus on the diary itself. He didn’t even know she kept one. In fact, Naeun absolutely _hated_ writing. Any time they had papers due at school, she would often pay someone to write them for her. That’s how much she seriously despised it. That’s how Taeyong knows that there must be something important on those pages, and he wants nothing more than to scan through them for information. Maybe Naeun wrote about who she was sleeping with. Maybe it will confirm all of Taeyong’s suspicions.

“Ty?”

Jaehyun’s sleepy voice is muffled through the walls, but Taeyong knows it’s only a matter of time before he puts two and two together and finds him in Naeun’s room. So, he quickly searches through a few more drawers before finding an old pair of shorts and pulling them on.

“Ty?” Jaehyun repeats, pushing the door open with a light creak.

“Yeah, in here!” Taeyong calls out as he tucks the journal away into the band of his shorts.

“What are you doing in here?” Jaehyun asks as he rounds the corner, rubbing at his eyes.

“Just looking for some old clothes to wear to school.”

Jaehyun nods, eyes scoping out the room as if he’s just now realized exactly where they are. “I haven’t been in here since…”

His voice trails off, and Taeyong follows his line of sight to find that he’s looking at a picture on Naeun’s nightstand. It’s one of her, Jaehyun and Taeyong as kids chasing one another on the beach. And on the wall above it is a shelf full of sports trophies. It reminds Taeyong of all the times he went to her track meets to cheer her on, whooping and hollering from the stands like an embarrassing mom. And even now, he swears he can still smell Naeun’s coconut shampoo as she joined him straight from the showers after every practice.

Jaehyun clears his throat, like he’s trying his best not to cry. “I’ll, uh… I’ll drop you off at school. If you’re ready.”

Taeyong’s brows furrow in confusion. “Why does it sound like you’re not going?”

“Because I’m not. I have some things to do.”

“What kinds of things?”

Jaehyun doesn’t bother to answer with his words. However, he does still use his mouth. He interrupts Taeyong’s line of questioning with a frantic kiss, one that’s so quickly executed that Jaehyun at first misses his lips and instead lands the peck on the outer corner of Taeyong’s mouth. And it seems to embarrass Jaehyun, even if just slightly, because when he pulls away there’s a light dusting of pink across his cheeks. 

“I have some shit to do. I’ll catch up with you later, though.”

Taeyong sighs, though it’s more out of fear than annoyance. “Jae… I’m worried about you.”

“I don’t need you to worry about me.”

“Someone’s got to,” Taeyong replies before cautiously closing the distance between them and wrapping his friend in a tight hug. Jaehyun is rigid in his arms, but Taeyong just holds him tighter and presses his cheek to his chest as he breathes him in. “I’m here for you, okay? I’m here.”

Jaehyun places his hands on Taeyong’s shoulders and gently pushes him away. “I’ll wait for you downstairs.”

Taeyong feels himself deflate as Jaehyun exits the bedroom, but he quickly gathers himself. He tries to tame his hair into something more presentable, then makes sure to grab his bag and whatever else he may need before heading downstairs. The drive to school is spent in nearly complete silence. And not the comfortable kind the two would usually share, but the kind that is so thick it could be cut with a knife. When Jaehyun pulls up to the front entrance, Taeyong stalls for a moment and fidgets with his seatbelt. He wants to say something comforting to let Jaehyun know that he’s not alone in this, but he just can’t find the right words. So, he unclasps his seatbelt and climbs out of the car.

“I have a shift at the surf shop tonight. My first one back,” Taeyong tells him, holding the door open as he leans down to peer inside. “But if you need anything, then just call me and I’ll be there. Okay?”

“I’ll be fine, Ty. No need to worry,” Jaehyun assures him as he reaches across the center console and pulls the door shut.

Taeyong stands there frozen, staring as Jaehyun tears out of the parking lot at top speed. He wishes there was something else he could do, but he’s at a complete loss. He has no idea what he’s doing or how to navigate the circumstances he’s been left with. Not knowing what else to do, Taeyong turns on his heel and heads inside the building. He feels way out of his depth in this situation, and he’s afraid that he isn’t capable of helping Jaehyun. But he’s even more afraid of what may happen to Jaehyun if he can’t figure it out.

It’s odd being back in the surf shop again, but Taeyong welcomes the normalcy it provides him. For the last month, his father has been practically living at the shop and taking care of things while Taeyong has been working through his emotions. So, not only has he been picking up Taeyong’s slack, but he’s been having to make up for Naeun’s, too. She was never the best employee, but she still helped out more than either of them could thank her for. And while the shop holds a lot of her memories, Taeyong is more than ready to get back into the grind. He loves his job and misses geeking out over new boards while chatting with eager tourists enamored with their island lifestyle.

He’s practically grown up here, and he’s always felt like the bravest version of himself when inside its walls. Surfing is his world, and even though his current injury has kept him from getting in the water and working his frustrations out, being here feels like taking a step back into safety. Back into warmth. _Familiarity_. And after last night, the mundane distraction of a part-time job is just what he needs. Not to mention the fact that he’s also glad to have some time with his dad, too. Though, he looks exhausted, with black circles under his eyes and a solemn posture that makes Taeyong feel awful for not coming in sooner. For the short time that he’s been here, he’s even caught his dad staring off into the distance, completely unseeing, several times.

“Dad, I don’t mind handling the shop this afternoon. You should go home and get some rest,” Taeyong says, though his father doesn’t acknowledge that he’s heard him at all. “Dad?” he calls again as he steps out from behind the counter. “Dad?”

“Sorry, what?” Mr. Lee asks as he finally turns around. The corner of his mouth hooks into a small smile, and he runs a hand through his hair before responding. “Sorry, bud. I’ve been trying to revamp the shop a little and have been working extra hours, so I’m a little out of it.”

Taeyong frowns, ducking his head in shame. “I’m sorry. I can start working my shifts again, I’m ready.”

Mr. Lee puts down the figurine he’s been trying to place on the shelf for what feels like forever and walks over to Taeyong. “Have you been doing okay? We haven’t really had the chance to talk, and honestly, son, I don’t even know what to say. I’ll admit, I’m struggling with Naeun’s death, too. This island has always been a safe place, and I-I don’t like the idea of a killer being out there. I worry about you,” he confesses, rubbing the back of his neck. “Have the police got any leads yet?”

This is exactly the kind of conversation Taeyong has been trying to avoid, but he feels so bad for his father that he lets it slide. “Yeah. They found out Naeun was pregnant.”

Mr. Lee’s eyes widen, almost comically even. “P-Pregnant? Wow, I… uh. That’s just… _wow_.”

“I know.” Taeyong sighs. “They’re looking into it. Maybe the father did it? I don’t know. I’m still trying to process it all.”

“Looking into it? Wasn’t she dating that one guy? Johnny, was it?”

Taeyong swallows hard. “She was, but we’re not so sure that the baby was his. The police said they’re doing a DNA test though, and we should know the results within the next six weeks,” he explains. “It’s just crazy. I thought I knew everything about Naeun, and now I’m realizing that I didn’t know anything at all. Then, this huge bomb gets dropped on all of us. I mean, did you ever see any guys in particular hanging out around here during Naeun’s shift?”

“No. None that really stick out anyway,” Mr. Lee replies. “Lots of people came in and flirted with her. I couldn’t keep up. The shop was always full during her shifts.”

Taeyong offers him a small smile. “The shop will be full again soon. I know it will.”

Mr. Lee looks around for a brief moment and frowns. “I sure hope so. You know I don’t like burdening you with our financial troubles, but that new shop has really hurt us. We need to get more traffic or else I have no idea what will happen.”

Guilt hits Taeyong like a punch to the gut. While he was wallowing in his own self pity, his dad has been dealing with the stress of the shop for the last few weeks all on his own.

“I’ll help as much as I can, okay? We got this. I’m sure we can brainstorm some new ways to bring in customers. I can even learn the art of sign spinning or something.”

Mr. Lee laughs. “You’re the clumsiest person I know. There’s absolutely no way you can spin a sign… _successfully_. But you know what? I think I will try to get in that quick nap you suggested. You sure you can hold down the fort for a little bit?”

“Definitely.” Taeyong nods. “Go get some rest, old man.”

Taeyong watches as his father walks around to the register and grabs his keys from the drawer behind the counter. Just by the sluggish way he’s dragging his feet, Taeyong can tell he’s even _more_ exhausted than he’s letting on. It’s like a massive weight is pushing down on him, just waiting for his dad to give and finally break. It hurts his heart immensely, and when his dad stops to give him a quick hug before heading to the door, Taeyong nearly sobs. He probably would have, too, if not for the fact that someone enters the shop right as his dad is exiting, nearly causing them both to run right into each other.

“Well, hello there, Joon. You’re off in quite the rush, huh?” Aron greets, referring to Taeyong’s dad by his nickname. 

Taeyong’s bones chill, and he stares in mild horror as his father lowers his voice to mutter something back to Aron. He can’t make out what’s being said, but he’s more concerned with what Aron is doing here. Not to mention how he even knows his dad in the first place. The two of them go back and forth for a few seconds before Hajoon’s face seems to turn a disturbing shade of red, and he turns back to look at his son.

“You have a good day, Joon. Looks like you were just heading out, so I won’t hold you up any longer,” Aron says.

And Taeyong doesn’t know how he manages to make it sound like a threat, but he can make out the distinct malice in Aron’s voice. A chill travels up Taeyong’s spine at just the sight of him, and he has to restrain himself from begging his dad not to leave.

“Yeah,” Hajoon grumbles. “I’ll see you later, Ty. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call. And, remember, I’ve got security cameras if _anyone_ ,” he pauses, looking pointedly at Aron, “tries to get out of line.”

Taeyong digs his nails into his palm as he watches his dad leave the shop, and he aches to immediately reach for his phone to call Johnny. He doesn’t like being in Aron’s presence, but he especially doesn’t like it when he’s alone. As if he knows Taeyong’s inner turmoil and wants to torture him even more, Aron takes his time walking around the shop. He picks up one of the many globes on the shelf — that has sand in the place of snow — and shakes it so that the tiny people on the surfboards inside rock back and forth. Then, he sets it back down with meticulous care and walks over to their display of surfboards. Taeyong doesn’t take his eyes off of Aron the entire time, watching as he runs his fingers over a red one before turning his attention to the one beside it.

“What’re you doing here, Aron? Do you even surf?” Taeyong asks, eyeing the paleness of his skin that makes it seem like he’s never stepped foot in the sun in his entire life.

“Been thinking about getting into it,” Aron replies offhandedly. “Say, Naeun used to work here, didn’t she?”

“Yes,” Taeyong answers, suddenly very aware of the lie he had told Aron about not being all that close to her.

“Interesting.”

Aron continues to wander around the store, picking up one random souvenir after another and studying it. Taeyong watches him, feeling slightly sick to his stomach as he wonders if Aron is going to ask him anything else about Naeun. Taeyong wants him to just leave, but he also wants to know why he’s here in the first place. 

“How do you know my dad?” Taeyong blurts out while Aron turns over a ceramic dolphin in his hand.

“I guess you could say that we run in the same circles. Being fellow business owners and all that. I’m a firm believer in always keeping your options open, and I’ve been looking for investment opportunities recently,” Aron explains as he sets down the dolphin and smiles. “Though, a lot of my potential partners have been spooked off as of late. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, right? You didn’t happen to talk to the police about me, did you?”

Taeyong’s muscles jump under his skin, and he struggles to keep still as Aron creeps closer and closer to him. “N-No. I didn’t.”

“You sure? Because I had a nice, _long_ chat with Detective Villareal, and he was very interested in knowing all about how I knew Naeun.”

Taeyong averts his eyes, but Aron grips his chin and jerks his attention back to him. “I don’t know anything about that, I swear.”

“Like you didn’t know Naeun? Let’s cut the shit and stop lying, Taeyong. I don’t want you to worry, though, because I only told Detective Villareal the truth. I told him how Naeun was my brother’s girlfriend and how she was like family. I was _real_ worked up about her death, could barely hold in my tears, and I promised I would help find her killer no matter what. It was a _very_ moving performance. But you know all about moving performances, huh?”

Taeyong tries to shake his head, but Aron’s grip is too strong. “I-I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Aron tilts his head to the side before finally letting Taeyong go. The moment he’s free, Taeyong rubs his jaw and takes a few steps back, nearly tripping over the wax display in his haste to get away.

“Be careful, Taeyong. It’d be wise to remember that the last person who stuck their nose in my business wound up dead,” Aron tells him, his serious expression slowly morphing into a sinister smile. “It was nice chatting with you. Have a _lovely_ rest of your day. I’m sure we’ll be seeing each other soon.”

With one last menacing look in his direction, Aron turns on his heel and walks straight out of the shop without sparing Taeyong another glance. As soon as the bell on the door rings, Taeyong nearly deflates against the counter and places his hand over his racing heart as he releases a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.

Taeyong knows it’s weird to be waiting outside of the restaurant that Johnny works at, but he does it anyway. He’s feeling anxious and overwhelmed, and he just needs someone to confide in. Especially someone who knows exactly what he’s going through. Not to mention someone who should also know what Taeyong did in regards to Aron. When Johnny eventually steps outside, with his white shirt covered in stains and sweat dripping down his face, Taeyong breathes a sigh of relief that feels foreign even to him. He isn’t sure when Johnny became someone he could trust, but after his little chat with Aron, he welcomes the sense of security that washes over him.

“Tae?” he asks as he walks straight over to him. “Everything okay?”

Taeyong crosses his arms over his chest as he sags against the side of his Jeep a little more. He doesn’t really want to tell Johnny everything that happened, but he knows that he needs to. So, peering up at him through his thick lashes, Taeyong blows out a long sigh and lets the tension in his body uncoil at Johnny’s presence.

“Your brother stopped by the shop today,” Taeyong admits.

Johnny tenses. “Did he say anything to you?”

Taeyong looks around the parking lot and nearby bars, watching as tourists and locals alike enjoy their Friday night. There’s several people walking around and giggling loudly, and it only serves to overwhelm Taeyong more.

“Can we, maybe, go somewhere private to talk?”

Johnny looks around then, too, and nods before taking Taeyong’s hand in a soothing manner. “Have you eaten yet?”

“Not since breakfast,” Taeyong tells him with a shrug.

“Okay, well… stay here. I’ll be right back,” Johnny says as he turns and jogs back inside the restaurant.

Each minute that Taeyong spends alone, waiting for Johnny, seems to drag on for far too long. He keeps fidgeting where he stands and constantly checks the time on his phone to see just how much has passed. He swears the numbers are moving backwards because each time he glances at it, they don’t seem to have progressed. So, when ten minutes go by and Johnny finally exits the restaurant again, Taeyong swears he could throw himself right into his arms. Even more so when he notices that Johnny is carrying a bag with to-go boxes nestled inside. His stomach growls at the sight, and it quickly becomes apparent just how hungry he actually is.

“Come on, we can go for a drive,” Johnny suggests as he nods his head in the direction of his truck. “Have you been waiting out here long?”

Taeyong smiles at his thoughtfulness as he follows along behind him, making sure to quickly snatch his bag out of the vehicle before he goes. “A few hours tops, but it’s fine. I really didn’t wanna go home or to Jaehyun’s. I just…”

He doesn’t know how to finish his sentence, but it seems he doesn’t have to. Johnny shoots him an understanding half smile as he reaches out to give Taeyong’s shoulder a comforting squeeze. The gesture is small, but he appreciates it more than Johnny knows. Circling around to the passenger side of the truck, Taeyong pulls the door open and climbs in at the same time Johnny does. They get settled in silence, and Taeyong feels an overwhelming sense of peace wash over him as soon as he’s seated in the cab.

“Mind if I have a smoke?” Johnny asks as he places the bag between Taeyong’s feet, then reaches into the center console to produce a pack of cigarettes.

Taeyong shakes his head, following Johnny’s lead as he rolls down his window. And he can’t seem to take his eyes off of Johnny as he hits the bottom of the pack against his palm before shaking out one of the sticks. He places the end between his lips, and Taeyong subconsciously licks his own as Johnny fishes out his lighter and lights it up.

“So, where are we going?” Taeyong asks, voice quiet as he continues watching Johnny puff on his cigarette.

He drops the pack, along with his lighter, back into the center console carelessly before plucking the cigarette from his lips. Johnny exhales a plume of smoke to his left, straight out the window, then sends a smile in Taeyong’s direction.

“To my favorite place on the island.”

He thinks if anyone else other than Johnny would have said that, Taeyong would be demanding to know where exactly. But he trusts Johnny, he really does, so he decides to just sit back and enjoy the ride. Johnny drives them right out of the busy downtown area and keeps going until leaning mile markers are the only things occupying them on the drive. They pass one or two cars on the way, but they’re definitely more so on the side of the island that’s not usually inhabited by people. Taeyong still isn’t sure where they’re going until he sees a lighthouse in the distance, and it all suddenly makes sense. The cylindrical, domed structure stands proudly on a peak overlooking the water, and the flashing, rotating light at the top only seems to beckon them closer.

Johnny pulls right up on the side of the road, the gravel crunching underneath the tires as they come to a stop and he kills the engine. Taeyong pops open his door then, making sure to grab the bag between his feet before stepping out. Johnny waits for Taeyong to circle around the truck, then the two of them make the trek up the incline towards the lighthouse until they come upon a bench overlooking the water. Taeyong places the to-go boxes down in the middle, then he and Johnny both sit down on either side.

“I hope this is okay,” Johnny says as he hands Taeyong one of the containers. He opens it carefully, like something inside is about to bite him, but all he finds is a grilled cheese and some fries. “Whenever you and Naeun would drop by work, you always ordered the same thing.”

Taeyong is surprised that Johnny remembers such a detail, and it makes him smile. Naeun used to love stopping by the restaurant while Johnny was working just to flirt with him, but he was never one to enjoy the attention. And more often than not, Taeyong and Naeun would leave with her pouting because Johnny didn’t kiss her. Though, it wasn’t a shock to anyone since Johnny has never been all that into public displays of affection.

“I guess you could say I have a very refined palate,” Taeyong jokes as he picks up the gooey triangle and takes a bite, moaning slightly at the taste of the deep-fried treat. “So good,” Taeyong mumbles through a full mouth while leaning back on the bench and staring up at the rotating light above them. “Definitely makes this shitty day a little better.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

Taeyong does want to talk about it, but he also doesn’t. Part of him just wants to sit here with Johnny and look out over the water while he eats his grilled cheese and pretends everything is fine. Taeyong closes his eyes and savors the moment while he can.

“There’s something you should know,” Taeyong tells him, sucking in a deep breath and opening his eyes. Though, he avoids Johnny’s in fear that he’ll lose his nerve. “When the detectives came to Jae’s house to deliver the autopsy report on Naeun, I told them that they should look into Aron. That’s why he stopped by the shop. And he was very obviously not happy.”

Johnny shoots up from the bench like someone has just lit a fire under his ass, eyes wide and mouth agape. “You did what?”

“It was right after we found out Naeun was pregnant, and I wasn’t in my right mind. I know Aron is your brother, Johnny, but they wanted to know if I was aware of any suspicious people in her life. And, honestly, it felt wrong not to tell them. Hell, you even wonder if that’s who Naeun was cheating on you with.”

“You shouldn’t have done that, Tae,” Johnny says while thrusting his hands through his hair. “You have no idea what my brother is capable of.”

“I don’t?” Taeyong asks sarcastically, nearly scoffing at his words. “I think my dead best friend would disagree.”

Johnny is almost frantic when he kneels down in front of Taeyong, staring at him with such intensity and sincerity that it causes the latter’s breath to hitch. “Aron isn’t just slinging dime bags, Tae. He deals big time drugs. And when people go against him or don’t pay, they get hurt or disappear,” Johnny explains. “He’s ruthless and scrappy and fucking good at what he does. He might not have some huge empire, but he commands what he does have with an iron fist. He’ll do whatever it takes for the outcome he wants.”

Johnny pauses, breaking their intense eye contact to look at the ground. He scrunches up his brows and puffs out a breath of air, like he’s preparing himself for something or trying to calm himself down. Taeyong wants to reach out and run his fingers through Johnny’s hair or pull him in for a tight hug to soothe his anxiety, but it doesn’t feel right in the current moment. So, instead, he just sits there and watches him until he decides to continue.

“I told you how bad it was growing up with Aron, especially after my father died, but I didn’t exactly elaborate. I was just a kid, but Aron had me dropping off drugs to clients on my way to school. He even put a hidden pouch in my backpack where he could hide the drugs, and he would ease my worries by telling me that no one would ever suspect a kid. He told me that I was doing a good thing, doing it to keep him out of trouble. I had lost everything at that point, and I didn’t wanna lose my brother, too.”

If Johnny was just a kid during all of that, then that would mean Aron was too since they’re only a few years apart. The thought of Aron being in that deep when he was barely a teenager horrifies Taeyong. His biggest worries at that age were test scores and whether or not he could go surfing after school. He can’t even begin to imagine having to go to school scared of his family, scared of random strangers exchanging drugs for money, and scared that his teacher may accidentally find something she wasn’t supposed to. What an awful way to grow up.

“That first week of freedom after I left my family was incredible, but it wasn’t long before Aron came knocking on my door. Even now, he’ll leave me alone for a little while, but he always comes back. He feels like he owns me. And, honestly, I guess he kinda does.”

“I’m so sorry, Johnny,” he whispers.

Johnny gets up from the ground and sits back down next to Taeyong on the bench. Both of them stare at the light dancing on the water in silence, letting the heaviness of the conversation settle between them.

“Tae… you have to stay away from me.”

Taeyong rolls his eyes. The hero act isn’t going to work on him. They’re in too deep at this point and still have so much more to find out. And after listening to everything Johnny said, Taeyong now knows that he’s been alone his entire life. Naeun was probably the only person who cared about him really. And even though Taeyong is learning that she was kind of a shitty girlfriend, he doesn’t like the idea of Johnny not having anyone. Maybe it’s Taeyong’s own loneliness amplifying his, but all he has is his family, Jaehyun and Johnny right now. Though, more so just Johnny. His mother is working doubles at the hospital, his father is busy trying to keep the shop afloat, and Jaehyun is completely lost in his own grief. Taeyong and Johnny need one another.

“No,” Taeyong replies softly.

“We need Aron to back off. If he had anything to do with Naeun’s death, then it’s partly because of me. They only knew each other through me. I don’t want that happening again.”

“We can play the blame game all night, if you want. It still won’t change the fact that she’s gone, Johnny. And I’m not gonna let you push me away. If we’re gonna figure out what happened, then we need each other.”

In that moment, though, Johnny looks as if he wants to do just about anything else besides figuring out what happened. He knows it’s dangerous and he knows that some secrets aren’t meant to be revealed, but Taeyong won’t be able to live with himself if he doesn’t at least try to learn what really happened.

“What you need is to stay out of it and let the police do their job.”

“I didn’t know her, Johnny. I didn’t know she was cheating on you, that she was pregnant, or that she was even friendly with someone like Aron. What does it say about me that Naeun felt as though she couldn’t even come to me with this stuff? I need this, okay? I need _you_. So, go ahead and push me away if it makes you feel better, but I’m not going anywhere. I know it’s in your nature to distance yourself from people, but I’m already involved. I’m already in it.”

Johnny seems pacified by his statement, and Taeyong wishes he knew what was going on inside his head. Hell, he wishes he knew what was going on inside Naeun’s head when all of this was going on. Then, it hits him.

“Oh my god,” he exclaims before shooting off of the bench and running down to the truck. 

Johnny calls after him, concerned and confused about what Taeyong is doing, but he just keeps going. Taeyong leans in through the open window on the driver’s side and grabs his bag before returning to Johnny as he pulls Naeun’s journal from inside.

“What’s that?”

“Naeun’s diary,” Taeyong whispers. “I found it this morning when I went to check up on Jae.”

At his explanation, Johnny frowns but doesn’t say anything. Instead, he pulls out his phone and turns on the flashlight so they can both see. Taeyong knows he should probably start at the beginning, but he flips to the page where the ultrasound is instead and reads the entry out loud.

  
**ENTRY 008**   
_Débuter_

When do you think life truly begins?

Is it the moment of conception? Is it the moment you decide to keep it? 

He wants me to get rid of it. He tells me our baby is just a collection of cells. Like a tumor. Or some kind of cancerous love that could rot me from the inside out.

But I think life for our baby has already begun.

If we have a boy, I want to call him Taemin to honor my best friend. He’s always been by my side through everything, and he’s who I’m most excited to share the news with. I hope he doesn’t hate me for keeping it to myself. I hope he understands with time. I was only doing what I thought was right.

Taeyong, if you see this, just know that I love you. I know it may be hard to understand right now, but I only wanted to protect you.

\- Naeun  
  


Taeyong feels as though his throat is closing up, and he swallows repeatedly in an attempt to get the lump to go down. But he feels as though he can’t breathe. He doesn’t understand. Why didn’t Naeun just tell him? What was she trying to protect him from?

“He didn’t want the baby,” Taeyong whispers before flipping to the next page where a drawing of a mother holding her stomach greets them. It’s beautiful, the sketch meaningful and tender. He imagines Naeun drawing it on her bed, barefoot and kicking her legs as she traces each intricate line.

“But _who_ didn’t want it?” Johnny asks as Taeyong keeps flipping through the pages in search of a name or for anything that may lead to who Naeun was talking about. But even her diary is ambiguous. “You have to turn this in to the police, Tae. They don’t have Naeun’s phone, so this could be useful. Maybe they can find something that we can’t.”

Taeyong flips to another page, and his heart sinks. This one doesn’t have a number attached or even a title. All that’s on the paper are words scribbled in such tiny font that Taeyong almost misses them.

_I’m so scared, and I can’t even tell you why_.

“You’re right,” Taeyong agrees. “I need to turn this in.” 

Taeyong closes the book, too raw to process anything else, and hugs it to his chest. Johnny doesn’t say anything more, and the two of them sit in silence as they watch the ever-rotating ball of light above them go around and around and around…

  
❦

  
For an entire week, Taeyong attempts to bring some semblance of normalcy back into his life. He turned the diary into the police almost immediately after his night with Johnny at the lighthouse, but they still haven’t called him with any leads like they promised. Taeyong isn’t sure if he’s thankful for that or not. He wants answers, but he needs a moment to breathe. To process. He’s been trying to distract himself by focusing on school and working at the surf shop, but everything just feels so wrong. He eats breakfast with his mom every morning and sees his dad in passing, but mostly he just cries.

He cries for baby Taemin, cries for Naeun, and mourns the betrayal of her secrets. Taeyong loses himself in a pattern of his new normal, accepting a life where Naeun doesn’t exist, a routine not revolving around their friendship and her eccentric ways. Taeyong also cries for himself and for the relationship built on lies. He even cries for Johnny and Jaehyun. The two of them lost just as much, if not more, than he did. 

Jaehyun hasn’t been at school for a week, and he’s been ignoring Taeyong every chance he gets. Taeyong has called, has knocked on his door, and has even sent numerous texts threatening to call Jaehyun’s parents. Though, he doubts they would actually care. Jaehyun is hurting. _Badly_. And Taeyong wants to be there for him, but he refuses to let anyone in. Occasionally, Taeyong will see Cherie’s car parked in the driveway at his house, but other than that, he has no clue what Jaehyun is up to. It worries him and makes him feel like an absolute failure for not being able to take care of Jaehyun in lieu of Naeun’s passing. 

Not to mention the fact that Johnny has stayed true to his word and has made no effort to speak to Taeyong. He’s pushing him away, but Taeyong has caught his truck parked outside the surf shop every now and then regardless. Aron hasn’t been around since the last time, but Taeyong feels safer seeing Johnny’s old Chevy sitting there with smoke filtering out of a cracked window. Johnny may want to keep his distance to protect Taeyong, but he’s gone out of his way to make sure that he’s never truly alone.

Deciding not to feel sorry for himself for once, Taeyong decides to hop on his bicycle and take a ride. His side hasn’t been hurting, so he figures he’s healed enough to stop being so cautious. Naeun’s house was always the place he went to when he was sad, hurt, or confused, so Taeyong instinctually pedals in that direction. Though, he guesses it’s now more so Jaehyun’s house, but his heart and feet don’t seem to fully realize that just yet. He subconsciously takes the long way so he doesn’t have to ride by the woods, and the closer he gets, the more apparent it becomes that there’s a party happening.

Music is blaring, cars are parked all along the road, and there’s a bonfire blazing on the stretch of beach right behind Jaehyun’s house. Taeyong abandons his bike on the front lawn, kicks off his shoes, and starts walking down the sandy shore towards where all the commotion seems to be taking place. There’s a group of people sitting around the fire, and a guy playing guitar is singing off-key while trying to woo any girl that even glances in his direction. A large keg is buried in the sand near them, and Taeyong watches as his classmates pump cheap beer into plastic cups to pass around. People all around him are giggling and falling all over themselves as Taeyong pushes past them, searching every face for Jaehyun.

He keeps looking for his friend, not watching where he’s going before he stumbles on a few pieces of driftwood on the sand. “Fuck.”

“Better watch where you’re going, baby.”

Taeyong looks to his left at the voice and sees Jaehyun lying in the sand with the tips of his feet in the water, dark jeans damp from the rushing waves. “Jae? What’re you doing?”

Someone to their right picks up a petite blonde and throws her in the ocean with a laugh, splashing them both. Jaehyun doesn’t react at all though, and it isn’t until Taeyong sees him lift his hand up to his mouth and inhale from the joint perched between his thumb and index finger that he realizes he’s high.

“Just enjoying the night, Ty.”

“How could you even _think_ about throwing a party right now?” Taeyong asks as he takes a seat beside him. “And why haven’t you returned any of my calls? Or texts?” He notes an empty bottle of whiskey on the other side of Jaehyun and worries that he’s cross-fading, but he also doesn’t exactly know how to put an end to his destructive habits, either.

“Because I don’t wanna fucking talk to you. So, why don’t you put that mouth to work on something else, huh? You seem pretty fascinated with blow jobs, right? And I don’t mind letting you suck my cock, if that’s what you want,” he teases before lifting the joint back to his lips for another hit.

Fury and embarrassment flood Taeyong at his words. This isn’t Jaehyun. He reaches up and grabs the joint from his hand, burning himself in the process. Jaehyun groans in annoyance, but Taeyong merely puts it out on the wet sand and glares at him.

“Jae, I know you’re hurting, but—”

“I’m not fucking hurting. I’m not… _anything_ right now.”

Taeyong shakes his head, realizing that he’s probably going to need backup if he wants any chance at getting through to Jaehyun. “Where’s Cherie?” 

“Probably somewhere crying or something.”

“Why would she be crying?” Taeyong asks. But Jaehyun just laughs, his lips parting as a humorless chuckle makes his body shake.

“I hurt her,” Jaehyun replies. “Just like I end up hurting everyone in the end.”

Taeyong doesn’t like Cherie, but with the way Jaehyun is acting, he would be lying if he said he wasn’t worried. Besides, maybe she can help convince Jaehyun to go inside and sleep off his drunken high. She can be a bitch, sure, but she still cares about him. And, right now, Jaehyun needs more people that do.

“Just… stay here, okay? I’ll be right back,” Taeyong tells him before standing up.

He wipes the sand off of his clothing as Jaehyun waves him off, not bothering to bid him any kind of verbal farewell. Taeyong’s eyes scan the crowd and he notices that more people have shown up since he started talking to Jaehyun. The crowded beach has become more difficult to navigate, with teens hauling around coolers with ice and beer, several couples rolling all over each other on the ground, and the music has only seemed to rise in volume.

Taeyong steps to the side as a topless girl runs into the water, passing him with a giggle as four guys chase after her. Another girl that he recognizes from his math class is puking on the sand and some of her friends are doing their best to keep her hair out of the mess, though they’re just as gone as she is. Taeyong ignores them all, though, in favor of asking around if anyone’s seen Cherie. He only comes up short, however, so he marches up the path to the house. He has to step over a guy who’s passed out on the deck, but when he slips through the back door, he finds Cherie sitting at the kitchen table with her head in her hands and crying loudly.

“Cherie?” 

Her hair is like a curtain around her head, and her body is shaking uncontrollably with the sobs escaping her lips. “Go away,” she snaps.

Taeyong continues to approach her, though it’s with the grace of someone attempting to make contact with a wild animal. “Cherie? What’s wrong? I just spoke to Jae—”

At the mention of Jaehyun, she looks up and Taeyong nearly gasps at what he sees. Cherie’s mascara is running down her face, eyes red, and the lipstick she’s wearing has been smeared around the corners of her mouth. But none of those things are what concerns him. No, instead it’s the angry red marks shaped precariously like fingers that adorn her neck. It looks painful and… _fresh_.

“Did…” Taeyong swallows hard, forcing the lump down his throat almost painfully. “Did Jaehyun do that to you?”

“H-He didn’t mean to,” Cherie rushes out. “So, stop looking at me like I need some kind of pity. You’re the last person I want it from.” Cherie is practically spitting her words, and while Taeyong doesn’t like her tone, he still wants to understand.

“What happened?”

“He’s just so… _angry_ lately. Hurting. He’s obsessed with finding answers for his sister and with bringing down whoever killed her. It’s nothing I can’t handle, though. He just gets a little rough sometimes.”

Realizing that this situation isn’t one he can really deal with on his own, Taeyong digs out his cell phone and scrolls through his contact list. He needs to shut this party down and figure out what’s going on with Jaehyun before things get even more out of control. This is completely unacceptable. And although everything inside of him is screaming for him to waltz right back out the front door and let them figure this out for themselves, it isn’t safe. So, he clicks Johnny’s name before he can think twice about it. Calling him is instinctual, and he doesn’t let Taeyong down. He answers on the first ring.

“Tae? Is everything okay?”

“I need you,” Taeyong says softly, catching sight of Cherie rolling her eyes before going right back to crying in her hands.

“Where are you?”

“Jaehyun’s.”

“I’m on my way.”

They both hang up without a proper goodbye, and the uneasiness coursing through Taeyong’s body slightly calms knowing that Johnny is on his way. He doesn’t particularly care for Cherie — and it’s more than obvious how she feels about him — but he knows he can’t just leave her alone, crying her eyes out at the kitchen table. So, he sinks down into the chair next to her and stares silently as he searches for the right words to say. Jaehyun’s behavior is becoming more erratic, unpredictable, and violent as the days go on. Taeyong has seen him unraveling, but this is a whole other level of vicious. He feels a deep sense of betrayal cut down his core just thinking about it. He’s known Jaehyun nearly his entire life and has secretly loved him since he was ten, but now it’s becoming more clear that he hadn’t really known him at all. Just like how Taeyong didn’t really know Naeun, either.

“Cherie,” he says gently. “I’m so sorry that Jaehyun did this to you. I know he’s hurting and that he’s angry, but that doesn’t give him the right to put his hands on you.”

“Just get the fuck out,” Cherie shrieks through her tears. “You don’t understand how much he needs me. You’re just jealous that he doesn’t need you.”

And in that moment, Taeyong sees Cherie for who she really is. She isn’t just some mean girl who used to torture him, she’s a woman so desperate for affection and unknowing of her own worth that she’s willing to defend a man who treats her like dirt and hurts her. He feels a surge of compassion for her encompass his body, but before he’s able to say anything else, two of Cherie’s friends come crashing into the kitchen. They immediately sit with her, holding and comforting her while saying the words that Taeyong didn’t know how to. He stands up from the table and makes his way to the other side of the kitchen, grabbing a box of tissues to pass along wordlessly to the trio as he walks out of the room.

Taeyong goes back outside and plops down on the steps to wait for Johnny. What he really wants to do is go find Jaehyun and demand an explanation, an apology, or something, but he doesn’t really know if any of that will make the situation better. He feels as though nothing is going to make this right. Luckily, he doesn’t have to wait with his thoughts for long before he hears the rumble of Johnny’s truck pulling into the driveway. He barely has the vehicle turned off before he’s jumping out and jogging up to where Taeyong is sitting, his face a stormy mix of concern and rage. 

“Are you okay?” Johnny asks as he cups Taeyong’s cheeks and peers at his face intensely, as if he’s looking for bruises or scratches.

“I’m fine,” Taeyong replies, voice defeated. “I know you and Jae aren’t close, but I’m worried. He’s drunk off his ass, and… and he hurt Cherie.”

Johnny drops his hands. “What did he do?”

“She said he got rough with her, but… Johnny… she has bruises around her neck.”

Johnny’s face sours, and he stares at the door to the house where a group of guys are stumbling out of the threshold and laughing. “Did he do anything to you?”

“No.” Taeyong shakes his head, swallowing hard. “It’s not like that. Jae is just… hurting. He needs to grieve properly and talk to a therapist. Cherie insisted that it wasn’t a big deal, but I saw the marks. I don’t know what to do.”

Johnny props his hands on his hips, lips twisting. “Seems like there’s a bigger issue here. I mean, he choked her. Don’t you think that’s a little suspicious?” 

“What are you trying to say?”

Johnny shakes his head, tongue poking at his cheek in disbelief. “Jaehyun was here… the night Naeun died. The night she was fucking _strangled_.”

Taeyong feels his skin grow cold as Johnny steps around him and stomps inside. He follows after him, calling his name as he starts searching the party for Jaehyun. Johnny is like a bull running towards a red flag, though. Single-sighted. Furious. Determined. And Taeyong can’t help but to think this is going to end badly. As they make their way through the house, Johnny bumps into a laughing guy that has lipstick markings all over his bare chest and is obviously wasted.

“Dude, watch where you’re going,” the man says with a lazy drawl.

Johnny shoves him into the wall almost immediately and closes in on him. “Get the fuck out of my way. Party’s over.”

Taeyong watches wide-eyed, body trembling the slightest bit from the bite in Johnny’s tone. “Whoa, chill,” the playful drunk yells, but Johnny knees him right in the stomach before stalking off. Taeyong stands there in shock as the guy crumples to the floor and briefly wonders if he made a mistake in calling Johnny.

“Jaehyun!”

Johnny continues calling out Jaehyun’s name as he storms through the house and towards the kitchen. Luckily, Cherie is no longer crying at the table. Johnny’s anger is only growing by the second, and the last thing he needs is to see the evidence of what Jaehyun had done to her. Johnny barrels right out the back door, and Taeyong follows outside where the party is just starting to really gear up. Loud music greets them, and Taeyong watches as Johnny searches the ground to find where the giant speaker is plugged in. As soon as he spots it, he rips the extension cord out, effectively cutting off the music and causing the entire party to come to a screeching halt.

“What the fuck, dude?” a girl sitting on the deck screams.

“Party’s over!” Johnny calls out.

“Fuck off!” a familiar, slurred voice retorts.

Jaehyun starts stumbling through the sand, and Johnny doesn’t waste a single second in meeting him halfway. The two of them collide, with Jaehyun swaying on the spot and Johnny puffing his chest out. They look close enough to kiss, a precious distance reserved only for boxers and lovers.

“Who the fuck invited you, asshole?” Jaehyun asks while poking Johnny’s chest.

“Tae did. Said you’ve lost your fucking mind,” Johnny grits out. “You like choking innocent girls, Jaehyun? Huh? Maybe the police got it all wrong. Maybe you did kill Naeun.”

Low murmurs and shocked gasps wash over the crowd, and Taeyong can hear all the accusatory whispers around him. Jaehyun doesn’t seem bothered though, and his mouth twists into a playful grin.

“Ty called you, huh? Ty… _baby_ … I really thought you had higher standards than _this_. If you wanted someone’s face to ride that badly, you know my—”

Jaehyun doesn’t even get to finish his drunken statement before Johnny rears back and slams his fist into his jaw. Jaehyun falls backwards onto the sand, and a circle immediately forms around the two as everyone attempts to get a closer look. Taeyong finds himself having to push through the growing crowd to even see what’s going on, but when Johnny gets on top of Jaehyun and starts landing punch after punch, he wishes he wasn’t seeing anything at all.

“Stop! Stop!” Taeyong screams. “Please, stop!”

He runs closer to them, not sure what the hell he’s actually going to do but needing to do something all the same. Jaehyun manages to get a hit in, but his movements are slow from all the alcohol so it doesn’t do much in favor of putting him ahead.

“Stop!” Taeyong screams again as he reaches Johnny, grabbing his arm and yanking on it. “Get off of him!”

“Police!” someone in the crowd yells.

And, suddenly, everything starts to feel all too familiar. Taeyong’s breathing becomes shallow as people start running around him frantically. Drinks are being spilled all over the place as the crowd breaks off into different directions. The scene is exactly like before. It’s as if he’s reliving that night all over again.

  
_“Someone called the cops!” Naeun yells, trying to be heard over all the commotion. “Go outside and find Johnny. He’ll take you home.”_

_“Come with me,” Taeyong pleads, unwilling to just leave her behind._

_“Jaehyun is here, and you know I can’t let that asshole get in trouble without me.” Naeun grins._

_“I’ll help you,” Taeyong offers._

_“We don’t have time, please,” Naeun says as she pushes at Taeyong’s shoulders. “Go. I’ll call you!”_

_Taeyong nods and squeezes her hand. “Be safe,” he yells._

  
The panic attack hits him hard and fast, and he clutches his chest, stuck in a memory he hasn’t fully processed yet. Naeun died after a party just like this. Naeun is dead. Taeyong sucks in air, but it feels like his lungs can’t expand.

“Tae?” a warm voice calls out. “Taeyong!” He covers his ears with his hands, body shaking with the sobs that are stuck in his chest. A pair of muscular arms pick him up, and he finds himself cradled against a hard chest. “Come on, sweetheart. Let’s get out of here.”

  
❦

  
**ENTRY 009**   
_Blessure_

He slapped me today.

I shouldn’t have showed up at his house, I know the rules. I know my role in his life. But, still, I never expected him to slap me. I never imagined our love would turn into… _this_. I think he hates me now, but I have to convince him that this can work. I have to convince him that I’m much better for him. Way better than she’ll ever be.

\- Naeun

  
“You look like shit,” Taeyong comments as he stirs creamer into his cup of coffee.

It’s strange how quickly he’s gotten used to being in Johnny’s space, how comfortable he felt helping himself to some instant coffee after waking up with exhaustion clinging to his bones. Johnny remains standing by his bedroom, clad in only a pair of boxers, and Taeyong tries his hardest not to let his eyes linger on the dips and grooves of his hard body. If he’s being completely honest, he’s still embarrassed and shaken up about what happened last night. The fight between Jaehyun and Johnny has been a long time coming, and Taeyong knew things would eventually come to a head.

They hated one another even when Naeun was alive, but Taeyong never thought those sorts of accusations about her death would be thrown around like they were. And after sitting on it all night, he couldn’t help but to wonder if Johnny’s suggestion could be true. Could Jaehyun have really murdered his sister? Taeyong doesn’t want to think he’s capable of such a thing, but he never thought Jaehyun would hurt Cherie either and he knows how that turned out.

“I’ve had worse beatings,” Johnny replies as he rubs his stomach absentmindedly, and Taeyong takes in his busted lip and bruised jaw.

“Why did you start that fight with him?” Taeyong asks, cutting through the small talk and getting right to the grit of it all.

“Why did you call me?” Johnny counters.

Taeyong lifts the mug to his lips for a quick sip of caffeinated comfort, but Johnny reaches out and gently pulls the cup from his grasp to steal a taste for himself. And Taeyong can’t help but to watch the slow way his lips touch the rim and the way his Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows.

“Because I needed help,” Taeyong explains.

“Did you really, though? You could have just left. Cherie doesn’t give two shits about you, and Jaehyun doesn’t need a babysitter.”

“I couldn’t have just left,” Taeyong argues.

“Yeah, you could have. But you called me instead. You called the guy you should be staying away from, and things got heated. I saw you there, worried about Jaehyun, and it all felt way too familiar.”

Taeyong nods, understanding where Johnny is coming from. That’s kind of the reason he had a panic attack last night himself. He just didn’t understand how Jaehyun could host a party so soon after what had happened. It all still feels too raw and too fresh for him. He hates it.

“I’m sorry I called you,” Taeyong whispers.

“Well, I’m not. And I’m not sorry for kicking Jaehyun’s ass, either. Anyone that lays a hand on someone like that deserves to have it handed back to them tenfold. I also didn’t like the comments he made about you,” Johnny says as he sets the cup down.

Taeyong turns around and moves to the little kitchen table, sitting down with a huff. Johnny watches him as he picks at his nails, then after a few moments, he grabs the coffee and moves to sit across from Taeyong.

“Do you really think he did it?” Taeyong asks.

Johnny averts his eyes, staring out the window at the crashing waves. “I don’t think Jaehyun is smart enough to pull something like that off. It wouldn’t make sense, in all honesty. I may not like the asshole, but he did love Naeun. Last night I was just caught up in my own feelings. Worried, I guess. But I don’t actually think he did it.” Taeyong doesn’t know if that makes him feel better or worse, so he just stays silent. Sometimes, it’s better to not say anything at all. “How’s your side doing, by the way?”

“A lot better,” Taeyong tells him as he lifts his shirt to show Johnny the wound. “My mom cut the stitches a few days ago. She says I’m almost fully healed.”

“Yeah? Does that mean you’d be interested in a morning surf?”

Taeyong breathes out a sigh of relief. Surfing he can do. Surfing is normal. Healing. _Freeing_. “I’d love to.”

Taeyong’s mother used to tell him that there wasn’t an ailment that couldn’t be cured by salt water. She told him that it was like medicine for the soul. And the way it makes him feel just to paddle out in the water, he truly thinks she’s never been more right. His side still aches a little from the pull of his muscles, but it isn’t anywhere near as bad as before. He welcomes the slight burn, even. To him, it means he’s alive.

“You good?” Johnny calls out to him.

Taeyong nods, completely transfixed by the way Johnny’s body cuts through the waves. He balances on his board with a skill that can’t be learned, and his expression is so relaxed it’s like he was born in the water.

“I’m great,” he finally replies.

Taeyong joins Johnny on a few waves, casually enjoying the Saturday morning ride. He paddles hard until he feels the firm swell of a wave beneath him, then moves his hands onto the rail and brings his legs forward, popping up onto the board. He crouches down, balancing on his back foot as he rides the wave all the way back to the beach like he hasn’t missed a day of surfing in his life. Johnny’s spare board isn’t as nice as his, but Taeyong still enjoys the rush of it all. It makes him forget everything happening around him for just the briefest of moments. And, right now, that’s enough.

Finishing out the wave, Taeyong makes his way to the foamy water closer to the sand and stands up. He carries the borrowed board the rest of the way to shore before dropping it onto the ground and collapsing onto the warm sand. He lets the water roll over his feet and closes his eyes, soaking up the rays of sun beating right down on his face. Being outside like this, it feels peaceful. He wishes he could stay in this moment forever. Feeling a shadow fall over his body, Taeyong squints his eyes open and finds that Johnny has returned to the beach as well. He drops down next to him, and Taeyong pushes himself up onto his arms so they’re more level. Neither of them say anything at first, just sitting in comfortable silence as they stare out into the glittering water.

“Did you ever go surfing with Naeun?”

Taeyong regrets the question as soon as it leaves his mouth, but there’s no way for him to backtrack now. He doesn’t understand why he keeps dragging up painful memories, doesn’t understand why he’s essentially asking Johnny to compare him to his dead girlfriend. Especially when they have finally found a moment of calm in the storm that is their lives. It’s like Taeyong can’t let Naeun go. It’s as if he’s afraid of forgetting her entirely if he doesn’t insert her into every part of his life.

“No,” Johnny answers. There’s no hints of irritation in his voice, and his face is settled into a small smile as if he’s remembering one of the few happy memories about his relationship. “Naeun wasn’t really into surfing. She always swore that the salt water would kill her hair, but she did like sitting on the beach and sunbathing while she watched me surf.”

Taeyong knew all of that already and cringes internally for even asking. On an island where surfing is religion and the ocean is church, Naeun was an atheist. She knew how to recommend the best board for every type of surfer, knew all about board maintenance, and even which beaches had the best waves for beginners and experts alike. But she always refused to go out into the ocean herself where anything above her waist would get wet. And Taeyong seriously loved her for that. 

Johnny extends his arms and stretches his limbs, curling his toes into the sand as he does. Taeyong finds himself mesmerized by the movement of his muscles expanding, and his eyes are drawn to his midsection in particular. Taeyong soaks up every detail before Johnny looks up at him and smirks when he catches Taeyong staring just a little lower, where his skin meets the waistband of his trunks.

“See something you like?” Johnny teases.

Taeyong pins his lips closed, afraid that if he opens them his tongue will actually hang out like a panting dog’s would on a hot day. He still isn’t comfortable with having these feelings, still feels way too much guilt over them. Naeun may have been cheating on Johnny, but that doesn’t make it right for Taeyong to pursue him.

“So,” Taeyong begins awkwardly, “what else is on the agenda for today?”

Johnny rolls over, propping his head up on his hand and Taeyong matches him, situating himself on his side to meet his heavy stare. Johnny’s eyes dip down Taeyong’s own body, to his tight stomach and clenching thighs. Arousal settles deep in his gut, but Taeyong does his best to push it away.

“I was just thinking about spending the day with you.”

Taeyong’s cheeks flush, mouth suddenly going dry. “Oh, I… I, uh, should probably be heading home soon. I’m sure my parents are wondering where I am.” Johnny scoots closer and wraps his arm around Taeyong’s waist, holding him near. Taeyong starts breathing heavily at the action, the salty air filling his lungs and nearly causing him to choke. “I thought you said you wanted distance from me. This… it feels wrong.”

“Does it?” Johnny asks. 

Taeyong is about to answer him when Johnny shoves him to the ground and settles on top of him, pinning him in place with his muscular thighs. Taeyong’s breath hitches as Johnny grabs his wrists and pulls them above his head. While his life has been spinning out of control, it’s almost like a sigh of relief to let go in Johnny’s arms. He can’t even deny that it feels good to be grounded by his hard muscles, and Taeyong likes the feeling of tension leaving his body. 

“Does _this_ feel wrong?” Johnny presses as he leans over him, brushing his lips along Taeyong’s collarbone.

“We shouldn’t…” 

“Shouldn’t what?” Johnny asks.

“You shouldn’t kiss me,” Taeyong rasps.

The gritty sand rubs against his skin in tandem with Johnny’s soft lips, and Taeyong can’t help the arching of his back at the sensation. He bucks beneath Johnny, feeling both desperate for more while also trying to push him away. Taeyong is confused as hell, still doesn’t know how they can possibly do this. But it feels too good to ignore.

“Johnny,” he moans, pleading with him. Johnny leans over him and kisses his jaw before moving to the sensitive skin beneath his ear. Taeyong can feel Johnny growing harder in his shorts, and he isn’t far behind in terms of arousal. But he can’t do this. He can’t do this to Naeun. “Stop. Please, Johnny… stop,” he whispers, trying to force the desire out of his system. “You dated Naeun.”

His words are like dumping a bucket of ice-cold water on the moment. Johnny’s lips stop roaming his body in an instant, but he still doesn’t get off of Taeyong. “And Naeun got pregnant by some other dude. She lied to the both of us, Tae, and now she’s fucking dead.”

The blunt nature of his words makes Taeyong pause. He wasn’t expecting to be slapped in the face with reality, but here it is all the same. “Is this some fucked up way of getting back at her for cheating on you? You wanna hook up with her best friend as some sort of revenge?” he asks, jerking out of Johnny’s hold and shoving at his chest.

Johnny lets Taeyong push him away and watches as he stands. “Of course not,” he grits out. “What kind of person do you think I am?”

Taeyong shakes his head, trying his hardest not to cry. He wants to give in, wants to touch and explore, but he’s still too raw. Johnny is everything he wants, in truth. He’s devious and delicious, yet caring and compassionate, too. Taeyong never expected to find a safe place to land in Naeun’s volatile boyfriend. They were friendly before, but this entire experience has bonded them in a way that Taeyong is irrevocably thankful for. But that also doesn’t change the guilt he feels. It doesn’t change the fact that Naeun’s murderer is still out there, and it certainly doesn’t change the fact that his loyalty is to her.

“It’s just… it’s too soon,” Taeyong whispers. “And I feel terrible for wanting you, Johnny.”

“But it’s okay to want Jaehyun?”

Taeyong scowls at him. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Johnny stands up then and brushes dried sand off of his torso. “I guess you want the fairytale ending, right? It’s so much more appropriate to end up with her brother. You two can get married, even adopt a little girl and name her after Naeun. Then, you can live happily ever after in that big, empty mansion.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” Taeyong yells, voice growing louder with every punishing word. “Jae and I are…” He doesn’t even know how to finish that sentence. Jaehyun had kissed him, but it wasn’t right. None of this is right. 

“Jaehyun is just another version of Naeun. Destructive codependency wrapped up in a pretty package.”

“That’s not fair,” Taeyong spits. “We all lost Naeun, but you don’t get to tell me how to grieve. You don’t get to tell me who to care for.”

Johnny heaves in air while staring holes through Taeyong. “Do you wanna know when I started falling for you?” he asks, voice softer now. “You came to one of my surfing competitions with Naeun. The Christmas one, four months ago. Naeun showed up with her hair perfectly straightened and makeup caked on. She was even wearing this tight little dress that her tits were practically spilling out of. Everyone was looking at her, wishing she belonged to them. But I was the lucky one.” 

Taeyong recalls. Naeun kept telling him how she wanted to look her best for Johnny, how they had been fighting about something stupid and she was planning to make it up to him with a good blow job after the competition. Taeyong’s dad’s shop was one of the sponsors, so he was running around the beach all day passing out flyers while she relaxed on her fancy beach towel.

“I remember.”

“Naeun was sunbathing, wearing sunglasses and lying in the sand. She was doing the normal girlfriend bullshit, waving and cheering me on. But what were you doing?”

“I brought you a fresh block of wax,” Taeyong whispers. 

Johnny had mentioned to him that his favorite surfer, Kain Bourne, always started each of his events with a fresh block of wax and refused to use another one until it was over. Apparently, it was some kind of superstition, and Taeyong wanted to ease Johnny’s nerves a bit so he decided to play at something he thought would help him relax.

“You handed it to me and jokingly called me Kain, then wished me good luck before running off to help your dad hand out more flyers. You had just dyed your hair blond, and it looked kind of insane.” He breathes out a laugh. “You were wearing these old cutoffs and a stained surf shop tee, and you had cherry lips from the snow cone you’d snuck in on your fifteen-minute break. You were busy as hell, but still so thoughtful. I had never seen anyone look as beautiful as you.”

Taeyong swallows, not knowing why his eyes are starting to water. “Johnny…”

“And then Naeun got irritated because you asked her to help,” Johnny continues. “Then, she made a comment about how you would get more business if only you tried harder with your appearance. Do you remember that, Tae? I know you feel wrong about this. I’ve known my feelings for you for a long time now, and I’ve already wrestled with my own guilt. I don’t mind being patient with you, and I’m sorry for pressuring you. I just wanted to be honest. This whole situation is fucked up, but just because Naeun is dead doesn’t mean she’s suddenly a saint. You can miss her, but don’t lie to yourself. She loved you, Tae, but she wasn’t a good friend to you. Not always. But especially not in the end. And if you let him, Jaehyun will walk all over you, too.”

Taeyong doesn’t like hearing the words out loud because it’s like Johnny is seeing into his thoughts and vocalizing the things he would rather push down. The more he learns about Naeun, the more apparent it becomes that he never really knew her at all. This journey has brought about an unraveling of not only their friendship, but who Naeun was as a person. Maybe Naeun wasn’t the hero Taeyong always made her out to be. And now, with Jaehyun spiraling out of control, Taeyong is beginning to wonder if he even knows who he is, either.

Taeyong decides to walk home to try and process everything he’s feeling about Naeun, Jaehyun and Johnny. He knows Johnny is right, though. In the end, Naeun wasn’t always a good friend to him. He just didn’t know it at the time because she was so good at hiding it. Like the current, Naeun’s vibrant personality swept everyone towards her. Being around her was a rush, and she made everyone feel so important that some of the more negative parts of her personality got overlooked. Taeyong is trying to reconcile the Naeun he once knew and what he knows about her now. The lying. The cheating. The backhanded comments. The secrecy. The fighting with Johnny. The selfishness at work.

He supposes that when a person first dies, they get built up as a saint in everyone’s mind. But as time passes, it becomes more apparent that they were just as human as everyone else. The only difference this time is that Taeyong idolized Naeun well before her death. Taeyong also can’t help but let his thoughts go back to the surf competition. Hearing Johnny talk about him like that makes him smile, and he wants to savor his version of the memory. Taeyong absolutely remembers that day, but he just can’t believe that’s what made Johnny notice him. He was running around like a madman, trying to generate business for the surf shop. That particular competition was huge, and they were the only shop within a mile of that part of the beach.

Taeyong had some wax with him to sell, but he was also making sure that the surfers knew that their place was in close proximity should they need anything else. He remembers bringing a block of wax to Johnny and remembers doing the same for Jaehyun, but he didn’t want to spoil Johnny’s memory with that piece of information. He relishes in knowing that Johnny noticed him just for being himself. That his goddess of a girlfriend was sitting on the beach, looking every bit the sex kitten that most surfers would die to have cheering them on, yet Johnny noticed _him_. With his wild hair. His frantic eyes. His shy smile. _Johnny saw him_.

Then, Taeyong feels guilty for enjoying that feeling. That goddess wasn’t just some dumb beach bimbo, she was Naeun. His Naeun. His best friend. Yet here he is feeling like he’s won some kind of sick, nonexistent competition for her boyfriend’s affections. Except Johnny is right, he’s not her boyfriend anymore. They were fighting and on the verge of breaking up. Johnny already had feelings for Taeyong before then, and Naeun is never coming back.

When Taeyong finally gets home, he’s more than exhausted from his thoughts. It feels like he’s ran a triathlon instead of just made the twenty-minute trek from Johnny’s house to his own. All he wants to do is take a hot bath and slip under his covers for some much-needed sleep. Maybe then he would wake up with a clearer head. As soon as he turns the doorknob and steps inside, however, he comes face to face with his parents in the living room, and they don’t look happy at all.

“Where have you been?” his mother, Yumi, asks immediately as Hajoon shoots up from the recliner with a scowl.

“I texted you,” Taeyong tells them with a frown. “I went to see Jae, but he was throwing a party that kinda got out of control. I ended up having to call Johnny to help me break it up, and then I went back to his place.”

Yumi shakes her head, lip hooked into a half frown. “You could have called me if you needed help, honey. I would’ve dropped everything, you know that.”

“This is unacceptable,” Hajoon snaps. “We may have been easy on you in the past and you may be an adult now, but you still live under our roof. And you can’t just go around spending the night with random guys. Especially in the middle of a murder investigation.”

Yumi closes her eyes, then slowly opens them again before walking over to Taeyong and placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. “We’re just worried about you. You haven’t been acting like yourself lately. You’ve been distant, skipping school, not coming home at night, and being reckless at Cornerstone. And while I understand wanting to help Jaehyun, why does that constitute going home with Johnny? Is there something going on between you two that we don’t know about?”

Taeyong eyes his father over her shoulder, not wanting to discuss such a thing with him present. He and his mom have a close relationship, where he can be transparent with his feelings, but he isn’t comfortable discussing such things with his dad.

“We’ve just come to understand one another on a different level lately. We’ve bonded, I guess. And after Naeun died, I just needed…”

Yumi wraps him up in a hug, knowing what her son needs without him even saying it. Taeyong can’t help but to find his father’s seething face once more over her shoulder, though, taking note of the way his neck is bulging in anger. He understands that his dad doesn’t like his only child spending the night somewhere else, but it’s not like he’s exactly been around much, either. Besides, Taeyong thought his parents trusted him.

“I don’t want you hanging out with Johnny,” Hajoon states.

“What?” Taeyong and Yumi say at the same time.

“He’s dangerous, and you’ve seen who his family is.”

“If he’s so dangerous, then why is it that you know his brother on a personal level?” Taeyong asks, thinking back to when Aron showed up at work.

“He comes into the shop occasionally, that’s all.”

Taeyong squints at his dad, suspicion tugging at his insides. Aron made it pretty clear that he doesn’t surf, so why would he have any business stopping by their shop frequently enough to have what seems like a personal relationship with his father? Is his dad doing drugs? Aron did mention something about investing in the business, but that doesn’t feel right to Taeyong, either.

“It’s not that big of a deal, okay? Johnny is really kind and compassionate. He understands what I’m going through.”

“I’m sure he does. I don’t like it, Ty. I want you home every night from now on. No excuses. No more sleepovers. Nothing. You either stay here or I’ll ground you.”

Anger boils in Taeyong’s gut, and it takes everything in him not to completely explode. “It’s not like you’re ever home! Mom is off working doubles, and I barely see you anymore. I know the shop requires a lot of work, but I don’t like being in this house alone all the time.”

Yumi goes rigid, chewing on the inside of her cheek, and Taeyong knows she’s feeling guilty about working all those extra hours. But he also knows they need the money. This isn’t even about her, though. His mother has always gone above and beyond to support him and to support their family. This is about his dad acting completely unhinged for no reason at all.

“Obviously we aren’t gonna have a healthy conversation about this right now, so why don’t me and you go out to lunch? It’s been a while since we’ve really had the chance to catch up.”

His mom reaches out to smooth his hair down in that comforting manner all parents do, while his dad opens his mouth like he wants to argue against it. Though, he seems to think better of it and clenches his jaw in an attempt to bite back whatever retort is threatening to break out.

“Fine. If you need me, I’ll be at the shop.”

Then, he storms out of the house without sparing either of them a second glance. Taeyong doesn’t understand why his dad is so angry, though. His parents have always been very trusting of him. He hasn’t even had a curfew or rules since he was sixteen years old. He can understand being a little overprotective after Naeun’s death, but that doesn’t mean his dad can take out all of his frustrations on him. Not to mention the fact that Taeyong still doesn’t like that he knows Aron on a personal level. If his dad is doing drugs, it has to be bad. He has to be in deep.

His mom sighs when the door slams before she wraps an arm around him and forces a smile onto her face. “Go shower and get dressed, okay? We’ll head over to your favorite diner,” Yumi offers in a soft voice, compassion bleeding from every syllable. 

“Okay,” Taeyong murmurs back.

“I’m sorry I’ve been working so much lately,” Yumi says as she rearranges the menus on the table.

“It’s okay, Mom. I get it.”

And Taeyong really does understand. Hospitals are a twenty-four-seven service; people don’t stop needing care just because his world has been turned upside down.

“How have you been dealing with everything?”

The question seems far too heavy to ask in a place that has a pie wall, but Taeyong is given a temporary reprieve when their drinks are delivered and they go about ordering their lunch. Once the waitress is done taking down their orders and they’re alone again, Taeyong blows out a breath and decides to answer his mom truthfully.

“Not well. I’m just… so confused. It’s like everything I’m feeling is wrong. I can’t be what anyone needs me to be, and I feel like I’m letting everyone in my life down.”

His mom looks back at him with empathy in her eyes before she takes his hands over the top of the table and gives them a comforting squeeze. “You’re doing the best you can. You can’t be held responsible for the world, Ty. Do you wanna tell me about what you’re feeling?”

Taeyong has been holding everything in for so long that the words just come spilling out in an effort to unburden his soul. “Jae is completely out of control. He’s not going to school, he’s throwing parties, and he’s getting really… _angry_. But I don’t know how to help him. He won’t talk to me. I really thought there was something between us, but…”

“Jaehyun is not your responsibility, either. You don’t have to try to help him, you just need to be there for him when he’s ready to deal with his own trauma. I can only imagine what he’s feeling right now, that poor boy. Naeun has always been like an anchor for him. She gave him purpose and kept him tethered. Without her and without his parents to lean on, I’m sure he’s feeling like he’s lost at sea and fighting like hell to get back. I know it hurts, but he’s not capable of loving right now. Not even himself.”

“See, that’s the thing, I’m not hurt that he doesn’t love me…” Taeyong trails off.

“Ah… Johnny,” she says with a knowing smile.

“He told me that he’s liked me since before Naeun’s death, but I have no idea how to process that.”

“I suspected as much,” Yumi replies with a small smile. “That boy has always had his eyes on you.”

“Then, why did he date Naeun?” Taeyong snaps, his own anger surprising him. “Why confuse me like this? Maybe if he acted on it sooner, then we could have—”

“You would have never dated your best friend’s ex,” Yumi points out. “Cut him a little slack, yeah? Love doesn’t happen overnight. Think of it like a cliff overlooking the ocean. The ocean has to cut and work at the rock, then the Earth has to push and break and build to form it. Thousands of years pass in the blink of an eye, then you have this beautiful testament to time and perseverance.” 

“Is that the way you feel about Dad?”

Yumi smiles. “We’ve been married for a long time,” she comments, getting a faraway look in her eye. But she doesn’t exactly answer his question before she’s steering the conversation back in Taeyong’s direction. “Tell me why you sound so angry about Naeun. Believe me when I say that you’re allowed to be, but it’s better to understand why.”

Taeyong swallows, looking down at his hands as he picks at a napkin. “Do you think Naeun was a good friend?”

“I think Naeun loved you the best she could, but I also don’t think she was ever taught how to properly love someone, either. You have such a selfless soul, Ty. You give and give and give. Naeun was taught to take, and she was taught that love is transactional. I think she was afraid to be real and risk losing you.”

“What do you mean?” Taeyong asks, emotion clogging his throat.

“Her parents were always gone, only ever showing up when she was in trouble. So, think about it and put yourself in her shoes for a moment. If you grew up believing that everyone is gonna leave you, how can you be expected to believe that anyone will stay?”

“I feel guilty for doubting her.”

“Don’t. You’re allowed to doubt her. There’s still a lot of mystery surrounding her death, you know? I don’t like it myself,” Yumi says as she pushes the straw around in her drink. “But if there’s one thing I know for certain, it’s that Naeun was always encouraging you to live your life and put yourself out there. She made you braver, she defended you, she loved you, and I think she’d want you to live a little more freely. I think she’d want you to enjoy life, even if that doesn’t mean right now. Grief is a process, Ty. A slow one that comes in waves. But one day, when you’re ready to be happy, I know Naeun will be supporting you from wherever she may be. No matter what. You were probably the only constant in her life aside from Jaehyun, and she would only want the best for you.”

Taeyong knows, deep down, that his mother is completely right. Naeun may have had her issues, but she did love him. The kind of friendship they had couldn’t be faked. “It just feels like I’m learning a lot more about Naeun now that she’s gone, and it’s hard because I can’t talk to her about any of it. She isn’t here to tell me what she was thinking or why she hid so many things from me.”

“You have to make a choice. You can either let these new things that you’re learning about her eat away at you, or you can actively choose to remember Naeun as the best friend who loved you.”

Taeyong thinks about everything his mom has said, and he realizes that she’s giving him everything he needs to finally push forward. The night of Naeun’s party, the night she died, she had so much going on in her own life. But she still stood up for him, and she died trying to protect him. She loved Taeyong in the best way she could, and he loved her back completely. They both had faults and flaws, but they loved each other in spite of them. Naeun isn’t around anymore to explain herself, but he owes it to his best friend to continue loving her in spite of the things he’s found out. Naeun is still the girl he grew up with, still his best friend until the very end.

  
**ENTRY 010**   
_Trahison_

I almost told Taeyong today.

We were sitting in my bedroom, and I could practically feel the pulse of life in my stomach. We were talking about all the things we normally do; school, boys, the future. And he looked so happy, so calm, so sure of himself.

I love Taeyong. I really do. But I know that if he knew the truth, he would hate me. He would hate me forever, and there’s nothing I could do that would ever make it okay. So, I pretended. Like I always do. I let him think that the world was good. I let him think I was his best friend.

\- Naeun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Kudos, comments, and any kind of other feedback is always welcome and definitely encouraged. You get an extra thank you for taking the time to do so, but just reading is appreciated and you're still valid! If you'd like to follow me on Twitter, where I sometimes post edits and previews for upcoming fics, then I'll leave the link to that and my Curious Cat account below. 
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	5. Chapter 5

The weekend had come and gone far too quickly for Taeyong’s liking. Talking to his mom had helped to clear his head and give him a new perspective, but he still isn’t looking forward to being around everybody at school. Especially now that the rumors are spreading like wildfire that Jaehyun had killed Naeun. People really can be so cruel when they find a hint of sensationalized gossip and grasp it in their fists like a lifeline. They don’t even need an excuse to spread their lies, they just enjoy it. They think of it as a game because it’s not their life they’re ruining, so why should they care? It’s just another way to pass time in their otherwise boring lives.

Taeyong keeps his head down and does his best to ignore the whispers in the hallways as he makes his way from one class to another. He swings by his locker on the way to his last lesson of the day, and when he opens the door, a picture of Naeun greets him. Instead of bringing tears to his eyes, however, the photo makes him smile at how radiant and happy she looked. Not wanting to get too caught up in the memories in fear that they’ll suddenly turn sad, he tucks some of his books away and fishes out a couple more before shutting his locker door. Unfortunately for him, he’s no longer alone, and standing at his side is no one other than Jaehyun.

The smile vanishes from Taeyong’s face as the two of them lock eyes, and his mother’s words about Jaehyun being lost echoes in his mind. He takes a deep breath and tries to push the image of Cherie’s neck littered with finger-shaped marks out of his mind.

“What do you want, Jae?”

Jaehyun has the decency to look ashamed as he rubs the back of his neck, and that’s when Taeyong is able to get a good look at him. His eye is swollen, blotched with black and blue bruising, and his lip is busted all to hell. To put it as nicely as possible, he looks like shit. 

“I just wanted to check on you. See if you were okay.”

“I’m fine,” Taeyong replies stiffly.

Jaehyun huffs before closing in on him and wrapping his arms around Taeyong’s trembling body as he pulls him into his chest. Taeyong breathes in his woodsy scent, finding himself grounded by the sober safety he offers. _This_ is the Jaehyun he knows and loves. Comforting and protective.

“I’m so sorry, Ty. I know I’ve been a shit friend lately. Do you hate me?”

Taeyong can’t help but to squeeze him tighter, wanting him to know that he’s here. He’s always here. “It’ll take a lot more than a stupid, drunken night for me to hate you.”

Jaehyun pulls back slightly. “Well, that’s good. I don’t know if you heard, but apparently I murdered my sister. Or, at least, that’s what everyone at this fucking school is insinuating now,” he says, his jaw ticking in anger. “And, just for the record, Cherie likes to be choked when we fuck. I just got a little too carried away last time.”

His words make Taeyong want to gag, but he isn’t hit in the gut with the jealous revulsion he’s come to expect whenever the thought of Jaehyun with someone else is brought up. Maybe he’s finally getting over his crush. As he becomes closer to Johnny, his feelings keep evolving. Jaehyun will always be important to him, but the more Taeyong learns about him, the more he realizes that although there is friendship there, he isn’t healthy for him. Maybe now they can actually be friends without the pressure of something _more_ hanging over them.

Jaehyun wraps his hand around Taeyong’s wrist and pulls it up to his mouth, kissing the sensitive skin there with tender lips. “What are you doing?” Taeyong asks while watching him gaze lovingly back.

“I’m done with Cherie. Done with everything.”

Although his words are meant to make Taeyong soar with hope, he just feels relief that Jaehyun will stop using her. He actually feels pretty bad for Cherie. It isn’t fair that Jaehyun fucks his way through grief and that she’s become collateral damage because of it.

“Oh, okay. Well, uh… I’ve actually been meaning to talk to you about something,” Taeyong says, trying to change the topic of conversation. “My mom has been talking about having you over for dinner, and I thought that maybe we could invite Johnny as well. You two could talk.”

Jaehyun’s face sours. “Fuck him.”

“Look, he knows stuff about Naeun you need to hear. I found her diary—”

“Yeah, I know,” Jaehyun cuts in. “I got taken into the station after the fight, and Villareal brought it up to me. I can’t believe you didn’t think to tell me about it. Is that what you’ve been doing? Working with fucking _Johnny_ to find out what happened? I thought _we_ were supposed to be in this together.”

Taeyong finds himself wanting to lash out, but he forces himself to remain calm instead. “You haven’t exactly been answering my calls. You’ve been distant, and Johnny…”

“Johnny swooped in to save the day, huh? You fucking him, Ty? Letting him console you with his dick? I know how horny you get over shared grief.” Taeyong damn near gasps at his painful words and can’t help but to think back to their kiss at Naeun’s funeral. Maybe he was lost and confused that day, but things have changed. “I don’t need Johnny, I don’t need anything from anyone. And you know what else, Ty? I’m starting to think I don’t need you, either.”

Jaehyun starts to saunter off, but for the first time in his life, Taeyong doesn’t crumble at the idea of confrontation. No, he refuses to let Jaehyun destroy himself like this. They have too much history, and Taeyong feels too protective of Naeun’s legacy and her love for Jaehyun to let him throw it all away. Taeyong also refuses to be treated this way, so he reaches out and grabs Jaehyun’s arm, yanking him back. Jaehyun’s eyes widen in shock, and Taeyong takes advantage of his confusion to put him in his place.

“You know what, Jaehyun? I love you. We’ve grown up together. I even saw your awkward toothless phase and watched my first scary movie with you in fourth grade. I didn’t even laugh when you had to sleep with a nightlight because of it for nearly a year. Naeun and I might have been best friends, but there’s always been a special place in my heart for you, too. We could be just as close, if only you’d ever allow yourself to be loved.”

Jaehyun clenches his teeth. “What’s the point when everyone I love ends up leaving me anyway?”

Taeyong’s heart breaks for him in that moment. “Then don’t give me a reason to leave. Be my friend, and let’s get through this together. You aren’t the only one hurting, and when you aren’t fucking around and confusing me, you’re hitting me with crude words. This push and pull may be a game to you, but it’s not one that I wanna play. I swear, I get it. I’m hurting, too. And I’m pissed off, confused. I wanna murder the bastard that killed Naeun, but you don’t get to be cruel just because you feel pain differently than me. You don’t get to speak to me this way just because you don’t know how to process things in a healthy way.”

“Baby,” Jaehyun whispers.

“Don’t _baby_ me,” Taeyong sneers. “Figure your shit out and man up. Be sad, feel whatever you need to, but don’t you dare _ever_ talk to me the way you have been again. You’re better than this. And if you want my loyalty, then be my friend. Be the guy I know you are.”

And with those parting words, Taeyong spins on his heel and walks away.

When Taeyong hops off of his bike and pushes it the rest of the way up the driveway, he notices that both of his parents’ vehicles are present. It isn’t a normal occurrence at all, but all he can think about is what his dad is cooking for dinner. His mom doesn’t like to do much of anything in the kitchen, and he suspects that she has burned more than one dinner on purpose to get out of doing it. It always worked out, though, because his dad loves to cook. To him, it’s relaxing. Propping his bike up against the porch, Taeyong makes his way inside with the full expectation of being greeted by a savory aroma. But as he walks into the kitchen and sets his bag down, he only finds himself disappointed by the lack of dinner.

“Hey, sweetie,” Yumi says from her place at the table. “Did you have a good day?”

Taeyong lifts a shoulder as he grabs a granola bar from the pantry and takes a seat across from her. “It was okay, I guess.”

Yumi hums in understanding before sucking in a quiet breath. “Listen, there’s something I need to tell you.”

Taeyong pauses trying to tear open the wrapper as a feeling of dread washes over him. “What’s going on?”

“Johnny’s been arrested.”

“What?” Taeyong exclaims. “Why?”

“I’m not really sure what’s true and what’s gossip…” Yumi trails off.

“Mom, why was he arrested?” Taeyong presses.

“All I know is that it was related to Naeun’s murder.”

Taeyong’s heart sinks, and he can’t help but wonder if they found something in the diary he’d given to the police. Detective Villareal promised to let him know if there were any developments in the case, but Taeyong is starting to think that was just something he said to pacify him. It makes Taeyong itch with the need to get on his bike and ride down to the police station to demand answers.

“Ty? Are you okay?”

Taeyong shakes his head. “No. Johnny is innocent, Mom.”

Yumi lets out a sigh. “Just let the police do their job, okay? I’m sure they’re just being overly cautious. You know this is a tourist town and there’s lots of money wrapped up in its image. People don’t wanna come to an island where there’s a murderer loose, and Naeun’s death has reached national coverage. The police feel a lot of pressure to check every lead, so be patient. I’m sure it’s only temporary. Plus, you know how everyone gossips like they have nothing better to do.”

Taeyong nods, but he’s already digging his phone out of his pocket. After retrieving the device, he sends a quick text to Johnny. He knows he can’t answer if he’s actually been arrested, but he’s hoping that he’ll respond once he’s released. Because he _is_ getting released. There’s just no way in hell he did this. Taeyong knows that Johnny is innocent. He can feel it in his gut, and that same gut has very rarely let him down.

`TAEYONG`   
`call me as soon as u get home`

`TAEYONG`   
`please`

He stares at his phone for a few minutes, debating on whether or not he should text Jaehyun, before finally deciding to do it. Jaehyun is probably happy that Johnny is sitting in some cell, but maybe he has answers.

`TAEYONG`   
`do u know why johnny was arrested?`

Three little bubbles immediately appear, dancing along the screen as if Jaehyun is typing and deleting his messages in a frantic response.

`JAEHYUN`   
`no idea`

`JAEHYUN`  
`they called me in earlier too wanting to know if naeun had`   
`any more journals lying around the house`

`JAEHYUN`   
`which btw i’m still pissed that u didnt tell me about that`

`JAEHYUN`  
`they also asked about my face again so i’m guessing`   
`they wanted to see if i got a few punches in too`

`TAEYONG`   
`are u pressing charges??`

`JAEHYUN`   
`no?! i’m not my fuckin father i dont need to settle everything with a lawsuit`

`TAEYONG`  
`ok sorry… just if u hear anything can u please lemme know?`   
`i know u dont like johnny but i really think u two should work together`

Jaehyun never responds, and Taeyong spends the rest of his evening pacing the floors while wondering what the police could possibly want with Johnny. He figures that it probably looks bad that Johnny beat the shit out of Jaehyun. He just hopes that they release him soon. The urge to storm down to the police station just gets stronger and stronger, but Taeyong knows that it won’t do any good. There isn’t much he can do, even though he’s practically vibrating with anxiety. He just prays Johnny will call soon.

❦

`JOHNNY`   
`i’m home`

The second he gets the text, Taeyong shoots out of bed and quickly types back a response. It’s been four days since he heard about Johnny’s arrest, and he’s been crawling out of his skin with worry ever since. He knows he should really head to school, but he decides that seeing Johnny is more important. So, he quickly finishes getting ready and rides his bike to Johnny’s place. He knows his parents are going to be pissed that he’s skipping again, but he has to know what’s going on. Knowledge is like a drug, and it’s safe to say that Taeyong is addicted to the answers.

When Taeyong pulls up, Johnny is sitting outside on a lawn chair, smoking a cigarette and staring out at the ocean. His expression is full of exhaustion, and he’s still wearing his work uniform as if the police had plucked him straight from his job. He has the sleeves rolled up, and the black ink from the tattoos on his forearms peek out. Taeyong doesn’t waste a moment in hopping off of his bike and letting it drop to the ground as he jogs over to Johnny.

“Fuck, I was so worried.”

Johnny takes a slow drag of his cigarette, exhaling the smoke in a plume around his head. His eyes brighten a bit at the sight of Taeyong, even though the latter is sure he looks like a distraught mess. His hair feels as though it’s sticking up every which way, and sweat is clinging to his scalp as he calms his breathing from the hurried bike ride.

“Aw, were you really worried about ‘lil ole me?” Johnny teases.

Taeyong tilts his head to the side, a small smile on his face. “Come on, tell me what happened.”

Taeyong looks around for another seat, but eventually settles for just standing near him when he doesn’t find one. Johnny takes his time responding, making a show of putting out his cigarette before wrapping his hands around Taeyong’s waist and pulling him onto his lap. At first, Taeyong’s body is stiff with tension, but the relief he feels at seeing Johnny makes him melt into the hard planes of his body.

“They just had a few more questions for me. The ambiguity of Naeun’s journal coupled with Jaehyun’s black eye made them want more details about our relationship. But we ended up coming to an agreement of sorts…”

“An agreement?”

Johnny holds him closer, and Taeyong breathes in the scent of salt and tobacco on his skin. “They think Aron’s involvement is questionable. Apparently, a few more people came forward saying that they saw Naeun chatting with him around town, so they figured I could be an informant for them in order to build a case against him.”

Taeyong shoots up from his lap. “What?” he asks, voice shaky. “How? That seems risky. And dangerous.”

“I think Aron is the father. I saw them together a few times, and he took a particular interest in Naeun that never really made sense to me. It’s the only explanation I can think of. Naeun didn’t talk to anyone else. Yeah, she was a huge flirt, but he was the only consistent presence. She even defended him to me a couple of times. Aron has proven his violent tendencies, and I wanna get to the bottom of this. My forced loyalty isn’t to Aron anymore. My mom might have wanted us to live happily ever after as a family, but he abused my grief and used it to get me to work for him. My loyalty is to _you_. It’s to Naeun’s memory. And I wanna help the police catch him.”

“Are you sure? This is huge,” Taeyong points out. “How do you even plan on doing that? I don’t want you putting yourself in danger for this.”

Johnny stands up then and wraps his arms around him, while Taeyong holds him tight against his trembling body. He knows firsthand how temperamental and dangerous Aron is. The threats he’s thrown Taeyong’s way are proof enough of that.

“I’m gonna get closer to him. Temporarily. I’m gonna figure out what happened—”

“No,” Taeyong cuts him off. “I don’t like that. I’m not willing to risk your safety over this.”

Johnny smiles against his neck as he nuzzles Taeyong and breathes him in. “You care about me, huh?” he asks, voice nothing more than a rasp.

“Of course I care,” Taeyong stammers. “I don’t like this. Just let the police deal with it.”

Johnny pulls away and licks his lips, staring down at Taeyong. “Not gonna lie, hearing you be all worried about me makes me wanna kiss it all away.”

He breathes out a light laugh, and Taeyong chews on the inside of his cheek. This feels like a big moment to him. Something that will send them diving into the depths of this budding _thing_ between them. Taeyong knows there’s a choice here, knows that he could push Johnny away and he would accept that. But Taeyong doesn’t really want to. He doesn’t want any more distance between them. And he’s feeling on the edge of something that is bigger than the both of them. His mother’s words burn through his mind, reminding him that he needs to let go of his guilt. He needs to live his life.

So, with that in mind, Taeyong lifts up onto his tiptoes and bravely presses his lips to Johnny’s. Kissing him is like getting caught inside a blast wave, and Taeyong feels trapped between the shoreline and rippling water. It’s like they’re in the crash zone. Johnny’s hands roam his body freely, cupping his ass, gripping his hips, and brushing his palms up his sides. But Taeyong wants _more_. They say the ocean can smell your fear. It’s why you have to dive into every ride with all you’ve got because you never know when it’ll be your last. And if you’re going to wipe out, you might as well do it chasing the wave of your life. Maybe that’s why Taeyong decides to jump up a little and wrap his legs around Johnny’s middle. Maybe that’s why he decides to jump in headfirst.

Johnny catches him underneath his thighs, and Taeyong grinds against him as their kisses turn rough. Johnny holds him tightly against his body as Taeyong savors the taste of his tongue. Then, Johnny begins walking him towards the front door, yanking it open with a hard tug before bringing Taeyong inside and towards his bedroom. Taeyong moans into his mouth, threading his fingers through Johnny’s hair and pulling to expose his neck so he can nip at the skin there. Within an instant, Taeyong’s back is against the mattress and their kiss is broken. Taeyong digs his elbows into the plush bedding so he’s propped up, biting down onto his bottom lip as Johnny removes his own shirt. 

Each dip and groove of his abs flexes under Taeyong’s hard stare, and he watches as beads of sweat form across his tanned skin. Johnny runs a hand down his stomach and Taeyong’s gaze follows, his breath catching in his throat when Johnny tugs at the waistband of his board shorts to adjust himself. Intrusive thoughts about what he and Naeun did in this very bed threaten to ruin the moment, but Taeyong pushes them away. Naeun brought them together, and he isn’t about to let her memory tear them apart.

“You look so beautiful,” Johnny says, his voice full of awe and adoration.

Taeyong’s chest rises and falls with heavy breaths, his entire body feeling as though it’s on fire. He’s never done this before, never offered himself so freely. But he’s also never wanted someone as much as he wants Johnny Seo.

“Come here,” Taeyong pleads, and Johnny wastes no time in giving him what he wants. His knees land on the mattress as he crawls closer and hovers over Taeyong’s body. Johnny’s lips then find his shin, his knee, and his thigh before he’s prying Taeyong’s legs apart. “I-I’ve never…”

A flush of embarrassment floods Taeyong at his own half confession. Johnny is obviously experienced and Taeyong doesn’t want to ruin this, but he needs to know that this is new territory for him. Johnny pauses at his words, and for a brief moment, Taeyong believes he may think better of all of this and end it. But, then, Johnny nips at his inner thigh and all of his worries fade away.

“It’s okay. I’ve got you,” Johnny assures him, moving up his body before kissing Taeyong’s lips with angry resolve. Taeyong falls all the way down onto his back as Johnny holds himself up over top of him. “I won’t pressure you to go any farther than you wanna go, but I do wanna make you feel good.”

Taeyong isn’t sure how he can possibly feel any better than he already does, but he’s willing to find out. His body is pulsing, the heat at the apex of his thighs throbbing with need. And he craves to relieve the desire building in his bones, his nerves, his soul.

“I wanna feel good,” Taeyong admits on a whisper.

Johnny smiles before grabbing the edge of his shirt and lifting it up over his head. The look of reverence and hunger on Johnny’s face makes Taeyong warm with a deep craving, and he longs for so much more than he’s being given. He knows they should move slow considering the fact that this is Taeyong’s first time, but he also doesn’t want to wait any longer. Johnny seems to pause for a moment, as if he’s giving Taeyong an out, before he wraps his lips around one of his nipples and massages the other. Taeyong moans as Johnny kneads and pulls at his flesh while grinding against him. His entire body feels electrified as Johnny redirects his mouth to Taeyong’s, devouring and flicking his tongue against his as his hand descends lower, lower, lower. He unbuttons Taeyong’s shorts, and the latter stiffens on instinct. 

“You okay?” Johnny asks, stopping his movements immediately.

“I’m fine. It’s just that no one has ever… I’ve never…” he tries, once again not able to get the words out.

“No one’s ever touched you?” Johnny asks, voice hoarse.

“No,” Taeyong confirms.

“Can I? I’ll make it good for you, I promise.”

Taeyong’s mind suddenly whips up a million different scenarios of how this could all go wrong, his insecurities committing tyranny on his needy body. What if Johnny doesn’t like how he looks? What if he isn’t muscular enough? Or what if Johnny doesn’t like the smoothness of his skin? What if he’s so nervous that he can’t come? What if he says the wrong thing? What if he responds in a way that is embarrassing? 

“I’m sorry, I’m just nervous. What if I—”

“You’re perfect,” Johnny cuts in. “You’re not gonna do anything wrong, okay? And if you don’t like it, then I’ll stop. There’s no pressure. If you want, we can even stop now.”

“No!” Taeyong practically shouts, making Johnny laugh. “Just… just go slow?”

“I’ll do whatever you want,” Johnny promises as he begins to slowly peel both Taeyong’s shorts and underwear down his legs.

Once he’s completely nude, Johnny’s eyes rake over him from head to toe, like he’s committing the sight to memory. It makes Taeyong squirm uncomfortably, but Johnny puts a quick stop to it by pressing his hand down against his hip.

“Have you fingered yourself before?” Johnny asks, voice breathy and pupils blown out.

“N-No,” Taeyong lies.

He doesn’t even know why he does it, but it’s like he’s too embarrassed to admit that he has. Maybe he just doesn’t want to think about the last time he made himself come, considering what happened after and who he had been thinking about. He just doesn’t want anything to mess this up for them. Not even his own memories. Johnny’s eyes widen in shock, but he seems to quickly compose himself as he leans over and digs out a bottle of lube from the nightstand next to the bed. His movements are quick, yet efficient. And Taeyong doesn’t think he’s ever seen someone be so proficient when slicking up their own fingers.

Once Johnny determines that his fingers are wet enough not to hurt Taeyong, he pushes one of his legs up into a bent position while warming up the lube. Even still, the cool substance sends a shock up Taeyong’s spine when Johnny’s index finger circles his rim before pushing past the ring of muscles slowly. Johnny never takes his eyes off of Taeyong’s face, watching as the boy beneath him bucks up off the bed slightly and moans. Taeyong is surprised at how easily he’s responding to his touch, but Johnny is just the right amount of thoughtful and teasing to have him practically seeing stars.

“Feels so good,” Taeyong mumbles, the feel of having someone else touch him for the first time causing his thrashing body to merely become a wave of sensations. “More. I want more.”

A smile tugs at the corner of Johnny’s mouth as he fits a second finger inside of Taeyong and begins working him faster… _harder_. Taeyong feels like he’s reaching all new heights, unable to even begin to explain the sensations within him. It’s like when he’s sitting on his board with his back to the water. He knows the ride of his life is coming. _Building_. _Growing_. And the anticipation of it nearly causes him to vibrate right out of his skin. Taeyong opens his thighs wider for Johnny, and he takes that as a silent invitation to scissor him open. Taeyong’s fingers curl into the sheets, body jerking when the tips of Johnny’s fingers press against his prostate. Taeyong’s walls clench around him, and he sucks in a sharp breath.

“Fuck, you’re so tight,” Johnny groans.

His speed picks up even more, fingers stabbing into the bundle of nerves inside of him as Johnny then wraps his free hand around Taeyong’s cock and jerks him off. Taeyong is quickly climbing that peak. Higher, higher, higher. All the while, Johnny is singing his praises and telling Taeyong just how good he’s being, how beautiful he looks. Taeyong chokes out a moan, lips parting as a flood of pleasure rushes his body. His back arches once again, walls clenching down on Johnny’s rapid fingers as Taeyong calls out his name. He rides Johnny’s hand hard, grinding against his skilled movements until the pleasure explodes inside of him with all the intensity of a tsunami. 

He comes with such ferocity that his vision whites out and his muscles jerk with the sensation. His nerve-endings all light up at once, but Johnny helps him ride his orgasm out completely. He doesn’t stop jerking Taeyong off until he starts to go soft in his hand, and when he finally opens his eyes, he watches as Johnny brings his thumb to his lips and plops it into his mouth. He sucks on it with a hunger that makes Taeyong want to strip him bare and slide down on his cock. He wants to feel full of Johnny, wants to be completely enveloped by him.

“You taste so sweet,” Johnny comments. “Next time, I think I’ll have you ride my face.”

Taeyong’s heart pounds against his chest at the heated words, and he becomes acutely aware of Johnny’s erection pressing against his thigh. He feels awful that Johnny has just given him the best orgasm of his life, but has got nothing in return. No relief. Taeyong reaches out, hands running over Johnny’s chest and abs before trailing to the waistband of his shorts. In this moment, he wants nothing more than to feel him, to please him. He wants Johnny to feel just as good, if not better. However, Taeyong doesn’t get very far before Johnny shoots out his hand and wraps it around his wrist.

“I don’t think so,” he says softly, making Taeyong frown. “Today’s about you. There’ll be plenty of time for everything else.”

Taeyong blanches, cheeks heating in embarrassment. Though, he figures that it’s hard to tell with how flushed he already is. Johnny’s words worry him, and he can’t deny it. Does he not want Taeyong to touch him? Is Johnny worried that he won’t know what he’s doing? That he’ll be bad at it? Taeyong is sure his inexperience isn’t appealing, but he’s willing to learn. Johnny must notice the fear on his face, however, because when he speaks again, it’s even more gentle and reassuring.

“Don’t get it twisted, there’s nothing in this world I want more than to let you touch me. I wanna make love to you, and I want you to ride me until you fall apart,” he explains. And Taeyong is ready to do those things, too. He struggles against Johnny’s grip, seeking out his cock, only to be stopped again. “But not today.” He grins. “Today, I’m just gonna hold you.”

Taeyong exhales a shaky breath, then smiles. He feels truly safe in Johnny’s care and trusts him more than he thought possible. They still have a lot to discuss — and even more to work through — but he likes this. Their moment together is special and the start of something new. It’s the start of _them_.

“Okay,” Taeyong replies, feeling lame as ever for not having the same kind of fiery words to reciprocate with.

All he has is the promise that he’ll try. And even though he knows the guilt will soon come, the doubt, the fear, and the all-consuming grief, he pushes it all away just for now. Johnny maneuvers himself on the bed next to Taeyong, and the latter places his head against his chest as he strokes his skin. Then, he lets Johnny Seo hold him. He lets the world slip away.

  
**ENTRY 011**   
_Disparue_

I’m scared.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what will happen when I’m gone. Where will I go? Who will mourn for me? What kind of legacy will I leave behind? I’m not sure how this is all going to end, but what I do know is that I’ll miss him. That’s fucked up, isn’t it? How can I possibly love someone capable of causing so much pain? What does that say about me?

\- Naeun

  
Taeyong is seconds away from dozing off when the sounds of firm knocking at the door snaps him out of his blissful state. Johnny groans in what sounds like frustration, but makes no effort to get out of the bed. Instead, he pulls Taeyong against him a little tighter with the heavy arm that’s wrapped around his waist.

“Maybe if we stay _really_ quiet, they’ll go away,” Johnny whispers playfully as he kisses the top of his head. Then, he trails a finger across Taeyong’s collarbone before using it to circle his nipple.

“How do you expect me to keep quiet when you’re doing that?” Taeyong asks, the words low and throaty.

He almost doesn’t recognize his own voice with how much it’s dripping with lust. The knocking returns seconds later, only this time it’s louder and more insistent. Johnny grins at him mischievously and pinches Taeyong’s nipple before swinging a leg out of bed. When he stands, Taeyong can still make out the massive bulge in his shorts just begging for relief and obviously not planning to go down any time soon. Johnny reaches down to adjust himself, and Taeyong winces at the thought of how frustrated he must be. Johnny doesn’t look it, though, as he smooths down his hair and leans over to place a soft kiss against Taeyong’s lips.

“Don’t move,” Johnny tells him before making his way out of the room.

Taeyong hears the front door open, and the bus is immediately flooded by Aron’s booming voice as he demands to know what Johnny told the police. Taeyong’s entire body stiffens, becoming very aware of his predicament and his current nakedness. Slipping out of bed as quietly as he can, he scrambles to pull on whatever articles of clothing he can find while he silently prays that Aron doesn’t decide to head his way. And it’s not like he’s trying to eavesdrop or anything, but the bus is small so he can hear everything being said.

“How the fuck did you go and manage to get yourself arrested again?”

“I didn’t get arrested, Aron. But even if I did, what would you expect me to do about it?”

“You didn’t get arrested, huh? Then I suppose you won’t mind telling me _exactly_ what happened.”

“They just wanted to ask me a few questions about Jaehyun.”

“That’s it? Nothing about me?” Aron questions, voice tinged with something that Taeyong hadn’t expected to come from the man. _Fear_.

“They were just fishing for details about the fight I got into with Jaehyun,” he answers, avoiding having to directly answer his brother’s question.

Taeyong can’t help but to hold his breath the entire time as he listens. It’s all too much for him, and the anxiety is making it difficult for him to breathe. It’s obvious that Aron is hiding something. What that is, though, Taeyong isn’t sure he wants to find out. He doesn’t want to be any more involved with Johnny’s brother than he has to be.

“All right, well…” Aron seems to relent, tone becoming much more relaxed. “Listen, I need a favor from you.”

“What?” Johnny asks, and all of Taeyong’s muscles tense as he waits for the response.

“There’s a run I need you to do. The cops have been all over my ass since Naeun’s death,” Aron challenges, anger pulsing through his words.

“And why is that? You have something to do with it?” Johnny retorts, barely containing his own anger.

“I think you know why. Your little fuck toy, Taeyong, told them to look into me. Besides, what do you care? We both know you couldn’t stand the bitch. She was just another way to get your dick wet. Though, I gotta say, it was such a waste of fine pussy.”

Anger in the form of a hurricane unfurls inside of Taeyong, and it takes everything in his power not to march right out there and punch Aron in the nose. Johnny may have admitted to having feelings for him, but Taeyong doesn’t like how Aron is making Naeun out to be a body that was only good for fucking. But something about the last part of his statement makes Taeyong pause. Did Aron just subtly admit that he had been sleeping with Naeun? The thought makes Taeyong’s chest constrict in a painful way.

“Watch it, Aron,” Johnny replies through gritted teeth.

“You and I both know she was a liability,” Aron states. “You know just as well as I do that letting anyone get close is a mistake. It’s just been us since Mom died. Don’t let a piece of ass get between us.”

There’s a short pause that passes between them before Johnny finally speaks. “We never let Naeun get close to the business. I hardly even do jobs anymore, so how exactly was she a liability?”

“Speaking of you not doing many jobs anymore,” Aron starts, ignoring his brother’s question completely, “I’m gonna need you to start picking up the slack.”

“No,” Johnny forces out. “I’m not doing any more than I already am. Especially not while the police are watching my every move.”

“And whose fault is that?” Aron bites out. “You’re gonna fucking help me or I’ll start making it a habit of taking care of anyone you stick your dick into. Don’t think I didn’t notice the bike outside or the smell of sex in the air.”

It feels like Aron is speaking directly to him, even though they can’t see one another. He knows Taeyong is here. Both of them go quiet, and Taeyong debates on whether or not he should continue to hide or meet Aron’s threats head-on. He wanted Taeyong to hear everything from the beginning, wanted him to know what he’s capable of.

“Just send me the drop-off information and get the fuck out,” Johnny finally relents.

“Your cooperation is very much appreciated, little brother,” Aron says sarcastically, emphasizing every word.

Just a second later, the front door slams shut and Taeyong can hear Aron’s car peel out, spraying sand behind it. The door to Johnny’s bedroom slides open then, and he doesn’t waste time in wrapping his arms around Taeyong. He doesn’t even realize that he’s trembling until Johnny’s hand starts rubbing soothing circles against his back.

“Everything’s okay. I’ll figure this out.”

Taeyong nods against his chest, unsure what else he can do. “What if he tries to hurt you? What if he comes after me?” he asks, feeling somewhat selfish for worrying about himself.

“I won’t let that happen,” Johnny promises. “But right now, we need to get you somewhere safe. What’s your mom’s schedule like?”

“She’s got doubles all weekend, and I have no idea about my dad,” Taeyong tells him, a thought suddenly occurring at the mention of the latter. “Hey,” he begins, pulling away to be able to look up at Johnny, “is there any way you can find out if my dad is on Aron’s client list?”

Johnny’s brow furrows. “Why?”

“Dad’s been acting weird and disappearing at random times. He looks both wired and tired all at once, and after Aron came by the shop, I couldn’t stop thinking that maybe he’s been doing drugs.”

Johnny gives him a look laced with pity, both of them knowing that Taeyong really doesn’t need any additional issues on his plate. “I can do some digging, but I can’t promise anything. I’m sorry.”

Taeyong blows out a sigh before wrapping Johnny up in another hug. “It’s okay. One thing at a time, yeah?”

Johnny smiles. “One thing at a time.”

  
❦

  
Taeyong stares at the sun high up in the sky before turning his attention to Jaehyun, who is staring directly at him. A few months ago, Taeyong would have obsessed over this precious alone time with him and would have overanalyzed every bit of their lunch at the cozy beachfront dive, building it up to be more than it ever was in his mind. But everything is so awkward now. Aside from a few texts, the two of them haven’t really had the chance to talk since their fight at school, and it’s obviously weighing on them both. Taeyong wants to apologize, but he doesn’t know exactly what for. He isn’t sorry for standing up for himself or for saying the things he did. They needed to be said. But he is sorry that Jaehyun is alone, and he’s sorry if he’s done anything to add to his mountain of misery.

“I’m happy you agreed to meet me,” Jaehyun says, but his words don’t match his apathetic demeanor.

“Are you?” Taeyong questions, brow raising slightly. “It doesn’t seem like you’re all that happy to see me.”

“I’m positive. I’ve been wanting to tell you that I’m sorry, but I couldn’t get the courage up to do it in person. And it felt wrong to do over text. I was angry, _really_ angry, after our disagreement, but then I took the time to think about what you said.” He pauses, but Taeyong doesn’t want to prod him so he waits silently for Jaehyun to continue on his own. “It was really hard having everyone think I killed Naeun. I hated that people actually thought I was capable of murdering my own sister. And then you called me out on my bullshit. Forced me to look inside of myself. But you were right. I was being cruel and lashing out at people for no reason. I think I was punishing myself for not saving Naeun by making sure that nobody loved me anymore. But you still did.”

Jaehyun says the last part in a whisper, his hazel eyes fixed on Taeyong. He doesn’t think he’s ever heard Jaehyun open up like this and actually talk about what he’s feeling. His vulnerability speaks to Taeyong’s soul, and he has to stop himself from wrapping Jaehyun up in a tight hug.

“And, like I told you before, I also ended things with Cherie.”

“Why did you end things with her?”

Jaehyun shrugs. “We weren’t really dating to begin with. I guess I realized that I was leading her on, and after the party…”

“I get it,” Taeyong cuts in. “That’s probably for the best.”

Jaehyun leans in, folding his arms on the table. “Do you get it, though?”

Taeyong’s brow furrows. “Of course I do. I bet if you gave someone half a chance, you’d be surprised. You might even find something real for once, something more than just meaningless sex.”

Jaehyun reaches out then and strokes Taeyong’s hand. The latter wants to snap his hand back, but the way Jaehyun is gazing into his eyes has him frozen in place.

“We could’ve had something real,” Jaehyun whispers. “But I fucked it up, didn’t I?”

Taeyong’s entire body softens at his tender words. “I had the biggest crush on you for years,” he admits. “But things change, and I don’t want anything to ruin our friendship. Not now. Not while we’re going through all of this. Besides, you and I both know you’ve always been out of my league. You’ve always been so… _confident_. You have this certain kind of presence, Jae. It’s similar to Naeun in a lot of ways. It’s, like, when you walk into a room, people can’t help but to stop and stare.”

“That’s how I’ve always felt about you,” Jaehyun says. “I watched you constantly, but a part of me always chalked it up to being because of some weird big brother protective instincts. I just kinda lumped you in with Naeun, but I realized what it really was that night you saw me with Cherie.”

Taeyong’s cheeks flame at his words, and he would be lying if he said their conversation didn’t fuel his ego. Even if just a bit. He likes knowing that the boy he’s always had a crush on saw him, too. But he also knows that they need to create some boundaries in their relationship. He wants to be there for Jaehyun, but not in the way he once longed for. They have to build a new normal. A friendship. A love that will help carry them through difficult times.

“I don’t think we would be good together, Jae,” he says, heart clenching at his words. “And I don’t think you’re in a place to love me the way I need to be loved right now.”

Jaehyun looks down at the table. “Our timing sucks, huh?”

“It does, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be something different. I love you, Jae, and being away from you would crush me.”

“And I love you, too, Ty. So fucking much. We have to stick together, okay? No matter what. I already lost Naeun, I can’t lose you, too. Just let me in your life, and I’ll do whatever it takes to do right by you.”

Taeyong feels such a sense of relief that he can’t help but smile, and Jaehyun meets his happiness with a blinding grin of his own. It feels like finally being able to breathe again. They’re on the same page with everything laid out for them, and he can’t help but feel Naeun’s presence in that moment. She would have wanted this, would have wanted him and Jaehyun to sort their shit out.

“Since we’re being open with each other, can we talk about your scary mood swings?” Taeyong says, and Jaehyun looks embarrassed, like he knows his behavior has been unacceptable. “I know you’re struggling and that you think the only way to feel okay is to lash out, but I’m worried about you. And, to be honest, it scares me when you get like that.”

“I don’t wanna scare you, Ty. That’s the last thing I wanna do. I know I’ve been out of control, but I promise to work on it. It’s just hard to handle the pain sometimes.”

“I know, but you’re gonna have to find a way to get your shit together. Punching walls won’t bring Naeun back, and neither will drinking yourself into oblivion.”

“You’re right.”

Taeyong gives him a sad smile before changing the subject. “Well, I guess we can test your restraint with some information. Johnny and I talked…”

Jaehyun steels his expression as if preparing for a slap to the face. His only acceptance of what Taeyong is about to say is in the form of a single nod. So, Taeyong tells him _everything_. He doesn’t hold back even a tiny bit. He spills the truth at Jaehyun’s feet, and he absorbs it all with a blank expression, interjecting only with the occasional question for clarification.

“I can’t believe Johnny would actually do that for Naeun. After everything…” Jaehyun trails off, seemingly getting lost in thought. “Are you sure he’s telling the truth?”

“He wants answers just as much as we do, Jae. He’s hurting, too. It’s a different kind of hurt, but it comes from the same place.”

Jaehyun runs a hand through his hair. “I kind of feel like a dick. I still don’t like him, but I’m thankful that he’s doing this,” he admits, just as Taeyong’s phone buzzes in his pocket and he fishes it out to check his notifications.

`JOHNNY`   
`u safe?`

`TAEYONG`   
`ya i’m havin lunch with jae`

“Who’s that?”

“Johnny. He’s just checking in.”

Jaehyun bites his lip, and Taeyong waits with bated breath for him to say something. He isn’t sure how Jaehyun would take the news of him and Johnny being together romantically, but it isn’t like the two of them have even labeled it. Still, it feels awkward to be so open about it with him.

“What’s going on between you two, anyway? And don’t try to tell me that you’re just working together to find out who hurt Naeun. Your face lit up like a kid’s on Christmas morning when that text came through.”

Taeyong squirms in his seat, wanting to lie. But he decides to ease into an answer instead. “I like him.”

Jaehyun clenches his jaw. “I’m gonna be a good friend right now and keep my mouth shut because I just want you to be happy.”

`JOHNNY`   
`good`

`JOHNNY`   
`i’m still doin some shit for aron so can u stay with jaehyun tn?`

`JOHNNY`   
`i wanna throw my phone across the room for even suggesting that but i dont want u to be alone`

`JOHNNY`   
`if theres literally anyone else u can stay with that would be preferable`

Taeyong reluctantly smiles at his message, making Jaehyun lean over the table to see what has him grinning. “Of course you can stay with me. I’ll keep you safe, Ty. I’ll even hold you if you get scared,” Jaehyun teases, waggling his eyebrows. “In fact, can you tell him that? Make sure to emphasize the fact that I’ll happily tuck you into bed and protect you from the monsters.”

`TAEYONG`   
`i trust jae`

`TAEYONG`  
`plus i dont really have anywhere else to go`   
`so i’ll just stay there`

`TAEYONG`   
`i miss u btw… are u okay?`

`JOHNNY`   
`if he puts a hand on u i wont hesitate to break it`

`JOHNNY`   
`and i’m fine`

`JOHNNY`   
`its not my first rodeo remember?`

`JOHNNY`   
`i miss u too tho`

`JOHNNY`   
`especially miss the way u moan my name`   
`when u come`

As soon as he reads what Johnny has sent him, Taeyong slams his phone down so Jaehyun can’t see. However, Jaehyun merely cocks a brow and smirks. “What did he say?” he asks mischievously.

“Nothing,” Taeyong replies, albeit a little too quickly.

Jaehyun tips his head back and laughs as another text comes in. “You’re so transparent, Ty. I mean, look at that blush. You _like_ Johnny alright. You like his dick.”

“It’s more than that, okay?” Taeyong says. He doesn’t want Jaehyun to think this is just some physical release for him. This isn’t like what he had with Cherie. “I really like him,” he confesses, not missing the way Jaehyun frowns at his words.

`JOHNNY`   
`i cant wait to taste u again`

`JOHNNY`   
`ur sweet little ass is mine as soon as i get home`

“Damn, Ty. Seeing you all flushed like this is really doing something for me,” Jaehyun teases, though Taeyong knows he’s being completely serious by the way he blatantly adjusts his shorts.

“Jae!” he exclaims, and Jaehyun holds his hands up in mock surrender.

“I know, I know. Friends. I’m working on it, I swear.”

`TAEYONG`   
`call me when u get home`

`TAEYONG`   
`i think i want a taste too`

He doesn’t wait for a reply this time and tucks his phone away just as their food finally gets delivered. He and Jaehyun pick at their lunches and laugh about normal things for a little while. It’s just what Taeyong needs, like a calm before the storm. They’re both going to be okay, everything is going to be okay. They say grief comes in waves, but today has been a pleasant break before the crash comes again.

Johnny is grinning at his phone like an idiot, wanting so badly to just stay in his truck and continue sending naughty texts to Taeyong until his balls ache and his fingers fall off. He can imagine Taeyong blushing at his words and squeezing his thighs closed, squirming in his seat as he seeks relief from the need Johnny’s words have created. So, maybe he wants to stake his claim. He doesn’t like Jaehyun, but Taeyong’s safety trumps his jealousy. Still, he wants Jaehyun to know that Taeyong isn’t his. He may have had a crush on Jaehyun before, but Taeyong is his now. And God help him if he hurts a single hair atop Taeyong’s head. He doesn’t like that Jaehyun hurt Cherie — even if she is a gigantic pain in the ass — and he definitely doesn’t like all the holes in the walls he saw when he went to his house. Jaehyun is temperamental right now, but he’s still preferable over leaving Taeyong vulnerable to Aron.

Pocketing his cell phone, Johnny climbs out of his truck and his mood immediately sours upon laying eyes on the old trailer where he grew up. He knows Aron has thousands stashed away from his little business, so he has no idea why he doesn’t move away from this shithole. But, he supposes, old habits die hard. When Johnny lets himself inside, Aron is waiting for him on the old, broken couch in his living room with his bare feet propped up on the scuffed coffee table and several food containers littering the floor around him. The place smells like shit, to put it nicely, which is another reason why Johnny got out of there as soon as he could. He’s always liked a clean space, and he wanted somewhere he wasn’t embarrassed to bring people. Aron, on the other hand, has no problem fucking some coke whore on a pile of trash.

“Welcome home,” Aron greets as he reaches to the side of the couch for a large duffel bag and tosses it to Johnny.

He catches the bag easily, but its weight knocks him a little off balance. It’s heavier than Johnny expected, and he’s been doing this long enough that he can tell the difference between a normal run and even one extra client just from the nuances in the weight of the bag. This is heavier than just one extra.

“Got a little more in there for you to deliver,” Aron says, as though he can read Johnny’s mind. “I trust that’s okay?”

“Yeah. It’s fine, whatever,” Johnny replies, having to willfully unclench his teeth.

In truth, it really isn’t fine. Johnny doesn’t want to be doing this at all, and he definitely doesn’t want to be adding even more strung out wannabe dealers to his list. But he has to know if his brother killed Naeun, which means he has to pretend he’s okay with it.

“Good. I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”

Johnny can’t hide his shock at Aron’s words. Usually, he’s given at least three days to push the normal stuff, but now he’s given Johnny at least double that amount and expects him to do it in one day.

“Thought you didn’t want the pigs sniffing around anymore. How do you expect me to deliver all of this in such a short amount of time without raising suspicions?” 

“Have a little faith in me, will you? There’s only one extra, albeit a big one. It’s for a business owner on the other side of town, so it shouldn’t be a problem.”

Aron mentioning a business owner suddenly sparks a memory for Johnny, and he remembers Taeyong asking if he could find out if his dad is one of his brother’s clients. Johnny doesn’t really like the idea of talking about Taeyong with Aron any more than he has to because he doesn’t need him knowing how important he is to him, but Taeyong asked him to do this for him. So, he will.

“Yeah, no worries.” Johnny waves him off. “But, hey, speaking of business owners: did the dude Naeun worked for ever buy?”

“You mean Taeyong’s dad?” Aron asks, leaning forward on the couch.

“Yeah. He a buyer?” Johnny continues, trying not to sound too eager.

“Nope. Not from me anyway.” Aron smiles, as if he’s sitting on a secret and trying to bait Johnny into asking what’s causing the shit-eating grin on his face. “If you have something you really wanna ask, then you’re welcome to. Though, you might not like the answer.”

Johnny doesn’t want to push Aron for more information about how he knows Taeyong’s dad, but this is also one of the reasons why he’s here. To find out information. “Just spit it out,” he grits. 

“I like to make friends, Johnny. You know that. We had mutually beneficial interests, you could say. I’m a businessman, after all. An investor.” 

Johnny fights the urge to scoff. Aron doesn’t have friends, he has information. Blackmail is like a second language to him, and he wields it like a weapon. Johnny knows the surf shop is struggling, and it wouldn’t be the first time Aron has offered to spot someone cash in exchange for a favor. And even though he wants to ask more questions, he also isn’t ready to hear something that might incriminate Taeyong’s dad. Loans aren’t necessarily illegal, but the ways Aron likes to cash in usually are. So, Johnny just leaves it alone. He tells Aron that he’ll be back with his money tomorrow and leaves the little garbage dump he likes to call home. Once he’s back in his truck, he sends Taeyong a text to let him know what little he was able to find out.

`JOHNNY`   
`ur dad isnt buying from aron`

`JOHNNY`   
`but i think he may be loaning him money for the surf shop`

`TAEYONG`   
`shit… ok`

`TAEYONG`   
`stay safe`

`JOHNNY`   
`i’ll call u later`

He sighs as he tosses his phone into the center console and opens the duffel bag. He finds the list of deliveries on top and grits his teeth. It’s going to be a long ass day.

  
❦

  
Johnny has never been so relieved to send a text to Aron than he is when he finally finishes all of his deliveries. His brother had him running all over the island, meeting shady people through all hours of the night and he’s just glad that it’s over now. He tucks his Glock away into the glove box as he pulls up outside of the surf shop and kills the engine. He hasn’t slept since yesterday and his eyes are heavy from a long night of working, but he wants to make sure Taeyong gets to the shop safely. He has a shift at the restaurant in about six hours, but he doesn’t care. This is more important to him than getting a little bit of rest. His eyes remain on the front door, and he tries to ease the knots in his neck as Jaehyun’s car pulls up. Johnny breathes out a sigh of relief when he sees Taeyong in the passenger seat.

He gets out of the car, looking tired and worried, then walks up to the door as he’s pulling the key from his pocket. After struggling with the lock for a moment, Taeyong pulls the door open and Jaehyun remains watching him until he disappears inside. Once he’s certain that everything is okay, Jaehyun peels out of his spot, and when he passes, he gives a quick nod in Johnny’s direction with a sort of mild acceptance of his presence there. Johnny knows he should go home to shower and try to get some sleep, but he gets out of his truck instead and follows Taeyong inside. The bell rings when he enters, followed by Taeyong’s sweet, tired voice.

“We’re not open yet!”

Johnny looks around and searches for him, smiling when he finds his prize. Taeyong is bent over near the back, digging through a box of candles made by a local artist, and Johnny can’t help but to ogle him a bit. He walks right up to him and grabs Taeyong’s hips, making him shoot up to a standing position with a gasp. Johnny hadn’t meant to scare him, but it’s probably a good thing. Taeyong needs to be aware of his surroundings at all times.

“You should start locking the door behind you,” Johnny rasps into his ear as Taeyong relaxes in his hold.

“Fuck, Johnny. You scared the shit out of me.” Johnny spins him around and kisses his forehead, well aware that he hasn’t brushed his teeth yet today and that he probably smells like a mix of a meth house and junk food. “How did last night go?”

“As well as expected, I guess. I have a shift in a few hours at the restaurant and really need to sleep, but I wanted to check on you first.”

His slight obsession with Taeyong isn’t very subtle, he knows. Before, he had to always be careful where his gaze went, but it’s nice to not feel that burden anymore. He had felt like shit for dating Naeun and longing for Taeyong, but now that he’s had a taste, there’s no containing the possessiveness in his soul.

“You look exhausted,” Taeyong notes, reaching up to stroke Johnny’s cheek.

He melts into it. Johnny has never experienced such care and compassion from a partner before. Or even just in general. His life has been a difficult road mostly traveled alone. He isn’t used to checking in with someone after being forced to do runs, but he finds that he very much likes it. Hell, with Naeun, it was always about her. What she wanted. What she needed. How she was going to fuck him the next time she came over. Johnny doesn’t want to compare the two, but Taeyong’s kindness is one of the things he loves most about him. He’s as devoted and loyal as they come. He doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. Taeyong loves passionately, committing himself to his family and friends in such a selfless way that it’s hard not to be drawn to him.

“I am. I should probably head home, but I don’t feel comfortable leaving you here alone. Maybe I’ll just grab a quick nap in the truck,” Johnny offers.

“You don’t need to do that. There’s a bed in my dad’s office and an outdoor shower for the surfers so you can get cleaned up. You could just sleep in there, and I’ll wake you up before your shift or if Aron shows up,” Taeyong explains. “Are you hungry? I packed a lunch.”

Johnny is a complete goner for this boy. And, of course, his stomach chooses to rumble at that exact moment, prohibiting him from lying about just eating. He’s concerned that Taeyong isn’t eating enough and doesn’t want him giving up his food. He looks like he’s lost some weight over the last few weeks, but Johnny knows that if he lies now, Taeyong will call him on his bullshit.

“Yeah,” Johnny replies. “I could eat.”

Taeyong guides him to the back office, where his eyes immediately fall onto the desk covered in late bills and overstock supplies. Johnny pulls his gaze away and finds the twin-size bed in the corner with rumpled sheets. It looks like his dad has been living here, and if Johnny wasn’t so tired, he would feel weird about sleeping in his bed. He still needs to figure out what his deal is with Aron, too. If Hajoon borrowed money from his brother, then shit is going to get real bad real soon. Taeyong pushes him onto the mattress, then drops to his knees. The sight of him kneeling before Johnny is something he’s imagined plenty of times, and his hand is just about ready to pull his cock out for a little jerk off session from muscle memory alone. But instead of wrapping his lips around Johnny’s cock, Taeyong pulls his shoes off and puts them to the side.

“I’ll be right back.”

He disappears for a minute, only to return carrying a sack full of food that he hands to Johnny. And as he looks at Taeyong, he thinks he’s already really falling for him. Hell, he loves Taeyong. Is completely gone for him, in truth. It’s a thought that should scare Johnny, but it doesn’t. It feels as true and genuine as surfing. Inevitable. It’s in his bones. His soul. But he won’t scare Taeyong with those three little words just yet. There’s still too much they need to work through first.

“Thank you,” Johnny croaks, a surprising amount of emotion rolling over his words.

“Of course.” Taeyong smiles. “Get some rest, I’m here for you. And I promise to scream if Aron shows up.”

Taeyong starts to leave, but Johnny isn’t ready to say goodbye just yet. He grabs Taeyong’s wrist and pulls him closer, no longer caring that he needs a toothbrush and a shower. Johnny kisses him like a starving man, sinking his teeth into the plush pillow of Taeyong’s bottom lip until his moans fill the small space. And when he pulls away, he finds that Taeyong’s eyes are half open and shining with lust. If he wasn’t working, Johnny would have made him come over and over and over again.

“Have a good day at work,” Johnny whispers, pleased with the effect he’s having on him. Every time he touches Taeyong is like a precious gift. And after longing for him for what feels like ages, Johnny almost can’t believe Taeyong is his.

“I will,” Taeyong replies huskily.

Johnny allows his gaze to fall down Taeyong’s body as he leaves the office before practically devouring the ham sandwich he so graciously handed over. And once he’s done, Johnny wastes no time in passing out with the memory of Taeyong’s cherry lip balm still on his tongue.

  
**ENTRY 012**   
_L'effroi_

I have to tell you something: I started writing this diary so there would be something in my life that felt real. Everything is just a jumble of secrets now, and you’re the only one that knows the truth. The only one who knows how wrong I am, how fucked up this all is.

Which is why I have to tell you this.

I saw something.

Something I’ve never told anyone about.

Something I promised to take to the grave. 

Something bad. Really bad.

And I think that something is coming back to haunt me. I guess it’s true when they say all secrets come out in the end.

\- Naeun

  
❦

  
It’s been a couple of weeks since Johnny had been taken in for questioning and since his and Taeyong’s morning in bed together afterwards. Since then, they’ve definitely settled into a new normal and are together every second that they aren’t at work or school. Johnny even introduced Taeyong as his boyfriend one day when he met his boss at the restaurant. Taeyong had been so shocked that he could only mumble in reply and grab his hand. The word _boyfriend_ had sent butterflies dancing in his belly, and he couldn’t help the giddy feeling it gave him. Taeyong has never been a boyfriend before and has no idea if he’s even doing it right, but Johnny has been so good to him. He’s sweet, caring, and always there in whatever way Taeyong needs him to be. It’s hard to think of Johnny as Naeun’s boyfriend. Not because of guilt — although that’s something he’s still working through — but because Johnny is like a completely different person with Taeyong than he was with Naeun.

During the first week after the two of them truly gave into one another, they mostly spent their time at Johnny’s house, both in and out of the bedroom. They constantly worried Aron would show up unannounced, but Johnny always assured Taeyong that nothing would happen as long as he was around. They still haven’t had sex yet either, but they’ve explored one another’s bodies enough that Taeyong feels as though he could draw Johnny perfectly from memory alone. As a little time passed, they started to feel more comfortable holding hands around town and confirming the rumors that the two were together. People talked, but that’s something that’s always come along with life on a small island. Everybody knows everybody else’s business. However, Taeyong still remembers hearing one particularly nasty rumor one day while they were at the ice cream shop.

There were two middle-aged women sitting in a booth in front of them, each eating their way through a towering sundae, and they must not have known that Johnny and Taeyong were sitting behind them. They talked about what a terrible tragedy it was that Naeun’s killer hadn’t been found, but then one of the women lowered her voice and said something that broke Taeyong’s heart.

“I heard that Johnny and Taeyong worked together to kill Naeun so that they could be together.”

“I heard that, too. And with the way those kids are carrying on, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s true.”

The second woman to speak had been someone Taeyong knew well, which only hurt worse. He used to babysit her kids during the Summer and even taught them how to surf. Even now, they’ll drop by the shop to say hello, so the fact that she would say something like that about him felt like a weight being dropped onto his chest. As soon as the words left her mouth, Taeyong had watched as Johnny’s eyes clouded over and he stood up forcefully to walk over to their table. Taeyong was too shocked in the moment to move and remained watching the scene unfold from his seat.

“How dare you,” Johnny had damn near growled. “How could you say something like that? Naeun was Taeyong’s best friend, he grew up with her! We had nothing to do with her death, and it’ll be a cold day in hell if we ever decide to apologize for finding each other after Naeun was taken from us.”

Taeyong remembers how stunned both women looked, and he had briefly wondered if anybody had ever called them out like that before. Johnny stalked back over to their table then, but he didn’t sit down. Instead, he extended his hand and helped Taeyong to stand up as well.

“If any of your friends think the same way, then you can feel free to tell them that I said to fuck right off,” Johnny barked as they left the shop.

Even now when Taeyong thinks about it, he can’t help but to smile. Another cloud over their relationship, though, has been Aron demanding more and more out of Johnny. He now does runs weekly, which means he’s having to update the police on Aron’s whereabouts twice as much. They can easily lock Aron up for drugs, but they want more. And if there’s any hope of convicting him for Naeun’s murder, then they have to find enough evidence to convince a jury. Which is proving harder than expected. Aron is a smarmy motherfucker, always giving clues without actually admitting to anything. 

“Any plans for today?” Taeyong asks, the real question hidden between the lines.

He wants to know if Johnny has to make any deliveries for his brother tonight. He prefers knowing if he’s going to have to lie awake an anxious ball of worry or if he needs to make his way over to Jaehyun’s house. His mom has been working more and more in order to save the shop and pay the bills, while his dad has been off doing God knows what. Probably wallowing in his own misery. While Johnny has been searching for evidence to prove that Aron killed Naeun, he’s also been trying to figure out how Hajoon knows Aron. The two of them have come to the conclusion that there’s no way Aron loaned him money since late bills keep piling up, pushing them closer and closer to losing the shop every day.

“Nope,” Johnny replies as he runs a hand down Taeyong’s back. They’re lying in his bed, staring out the open window at the stormy ocean, and Taeyong is more content than ever. “I have the entire night to do with as I please. No work, no Aron, no playing detective. I wonder what I could possibly do with all this free time.”

Taeyong rolls over and playfully slaps his chest. “I have an idea,” he offers while running a finger down his torso.

“I’m listening,” Johnny urges with a smile.

“I’m in the mood for a _wild_ ride,” Taeyong rasps as he grabs the band of Johnny’s boxers.

“You wanna catch some waves before the storm hits, huh?” Johnny replies in a deadpan voice.

A smile stretches Taeyong’s mouth as he points to the window. “I mean, look at those swells.”

Johnny tips his head back and laughs. “Not gonna lie, I’ve been dying to get out there, too.”

The two of them don’t waste any more time in quickly getting out of bed and throwing on a pair of board shorts. They practically run outside, with Johnny chasing Taeyong as gray, billowing clouds loom in the distance, appearing both ominous and thrilling at once. Grabbing their surfboards, they paddle out to the rocking waves, and adrenaline courses through Taeyong as his arms burn to work against the hard current. He loves weather like this, though. When the ocean is completely unforgiving and wild. Johnny beats him to the first wave, cutting the water like a skilled artist. He predicts every curve of the barrel, leaning just enough to make it out without the water crashing around him.

Taeyong cheers, then positions himself for the next one. The waiting is his favorite part. He loves those thrilling seconds before the rush of the ride. Inhale. Exhale. He mounts his board and leans into every move in a similar fashion to Johnny. His thighs flex as water curls around his body, and Taeyong has to crouch to maintain his center of gravity as he runs a hand through the wall of water. At the end of the wave, he stands up and searches for Johnny, finding him sitting on his board as he claps and cheers. Taeyong grins, and the both of them take turns in tackling wave after wave. But when the ocean starts to grow choppier, they paddle back to shore and exit the water.

Fat droplets of rain start landing on their skin, and Taeyong’s muscles burn from exertion, chest heaving. These are the days he truly loves most. And even more than that, he loves having someone to share it with. Tilting his chin up to the sky, Taeyong lets the rain wash over his face and closes his eyes.

“I love watching you let go like that,” Johnny says, and Taeyong snaps his eyes over to him. It’s not exactly a declaration of love, but the four-letter word is still embedded in that sentence. “I cherish you so much.”

Taeyong doesn’t know how to respond. He’s stuck in Johnny’s adoration, soaking it up like the sand absorbing the rain. The storm is getting louder, each drop punishing his skin, but Taeyong doesn’t care. All he can see is Johnny. They meet each other in a rush, and Johnny crushes him to his torso with a demanding jerk. Their lips collide, and their bodies move like waves as they fight to pour as much passion and meaning into every kiss, every touch, every heart-pounding shudder. Johnny grips his ass, and Taeyong threads his fingers through his wet hair, giving it a gentle tug. Then, a harder one. It’s like they can’t get close enough.

“I want you,” Taeyong whispers. “All of you.”

They leave their boards sitting on the beach, and Taeyong wraps his legs around Johnny’s waist as he carries him to the bus. Normally, Taeyong wouldn’t be so careless with his gear, but he can’t wait another second. He keeps his legs settled around Johnny’s midsection as their mouths devour one another. Johnny presses him against the side of the bus, lavishing Taeyong with kisses as his hand slips past the band of his shorts to wrap around his cock. Taeyong sucks in a sharp breath as thunder rolls in the distance and his sopping hair sticks to his forehead. Taeyong moans as he continues to jerk him off, feeling Johnny’s own arousal press against him. The gritty sand and salt water clinging to their skin makes the friction almost painful, and the hard metal of the bus digs into Taeyong’s back as his legs shake.

“I love how your breath hitches when I touch you,” Johnny says as a flash of lightning strikes behind him.

He rubs his thumb over the head of Taeyong’s cock, pressing his blunt nail into the slit, and zaps of bliss make every nerve in his body ignite. Taeyong jerks in Johnny’s strong arms while clenching him tighter with his own, not able to get close enough. Johnny flicks his wrist in the perfect way, sending Taeyong into a spasm of moans and pleasure. He can’t help but to grind against Johnny, like the man is an expert at commanding his body. Before Taeyong is able to reach his peak, however, Johnny stops his ministrations and leans back with eyes just as cloudy as the sky.

“Let’s go inside,” he suggests, setting Taeyong down on his own two feet.

Taeyong can do nothing but nod, legs like jelly as he sprints to the door. They’re soaked to the bone with rainwater, but neither of them really care. They both rid themselves of their swim trunks, and Taeyong stands trembling in the kitchen as the cool air brushes against his skin.

“Let’s warm up first before we continue,” Johnny says as he guides Taeyong towards his small shower. “I wanna take my time with you.”

Taeyong wants to argue against that, desperate for release, but he turns and steps under the steamy spray anyway. The space isn’t big enough for the both of them, but Johnny watches him with hungry eyes as Taeyong washes his hair and lathers his body up with soap.

“Touch yourself,” Johnny demands.

Taeyong swallows, blushing the slightest bit, but he quickly obeys him out of both wanting to please Johnny and please himself. Raising his leg, he props it up on a foothold sticking out of the wall and uses the soap to slick up his fingers. It’s not the best substitute, but Taeyong is impatient and it doesn’t seem to have a strong scent so he figures it’s safe enough. Turning his back more towards Johnny, he slips a finger between his ass cheeks and pushes it past his rim. The ring of muscle gives easily, and Taeyong braces himself against the wall as his moan is swallowed by the sound of running water. Taeyong starts off with slow movements before he gradually begins fingering himself faster and faster. And when his eyes flick over to Johnny, and he sees him tugging on his cock while staring at him, Taeyong nearly loses it. He keeps his composure long enough to add a second finger, beginning the process of really stretching himself open.

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Johnny comments, voice breathy. “I just… I can’t think straight when you’re around.”

Taeyong scissors his fingers, biting down onto his bottom lip as the last of the suds sticking to his body wash down the drain. He wants to continue what he’s doing, but he doesn’t want to come without Johnny. So, begrudgingly, he removes his fingers and makes sure to get himself fully clean. Johnny seems to understand what he’s doing without being told, so when Taeyong steps out of the shower, he’s there to wrap him up in a fluffy towel. Then, Johnny jumps right into the shower and gets washed off in no more than thirty seconds. Taeyong nearly laughs at how quickly he cleans himself up. Making sure to get himself completely dry, Taeyong makes his way to Johnny’s bed and slides under the warm covers to wait for him.

When Johnny joins him with a towel wrapped around his hips, Taeyong takes a moment to drink in the sight of him. However, he quickly notices that Johnny’s expression is serious, and that makes him nervous. “Is something wrong?”

“I just want you to be sure that you want this. We can wait, you know?”

Taeyong warms at his sweet concern, but he knows he’s ready. He wants to be completely consumed by Johnny. “I still want this,” Taeyong promises. “I still want you.”

That seems to satisfy Johnny as he quickly drops his towel and reaches into his nightstand for a condom and lube. He rips open the foil package, slowly rolling it over his shaft before climbing on top of Taeyong.

“You okay?”

Taeyong wraps his arms around Johnny’s neck and parts his thighs. “More than okay.”

“Are you comfortable?” Johnny asks as he slicks his cock up with lube. “Do you want me to stretch you out some more?”

“No, I’m prepped enough,” Taeyong is quick to answer, though he’s not sure that’s exactly true. Looking at the size of Johnny, he could probably use a little more stretching, but he doesn’t want to wait anymore. 

“I’ll go slow,” Johnny tells him.

Taeyong’s breath hitches as Johnny presses against his rim, then slowly, tenderly, and delicately enters him. He winces at the invasion, squeezing his eyes shut as his body attempts to adjust. His walls stretch what feels like an alarming amount and it’s uncomfortable, but somehow satisfying all the same. The sting only seems to last a moment before the fullness is replaced with more pleasure than anything.

“Everything good?” Johnny asks.

Taeyong nods, encouraging him to move before he starts hyperfocusing on the pain starting to edge its way to the surface. Johnny is slow at first, surging in and out of him with intentional strides that start to feel better and better the more he does it. Taeyong bucks with every thrust, and Johnny starts to grow more powerful with his movements. _Harder_. _Faster_. Until their bodies are moving together in tandem. Taeyong doesn’t even try to contain his moans as his blunt nails dig into Johnny’s shoulder blades. Johnny bends Taeyong’s leg up, and with the new angle, every thrust has him bumping against his prostate. Taeyong’s orgasm starts to build quickly, and the heat between them becomes tangible. Johnny kicks off his black comforter, and Taeyong yanks him closer for a passionate kiss.

“Fuck, I’m so close,” Taeyong whispers, encouraging Johnny to pound into him more frantically.

Taeyong drops his hands to grip at the sheets, and when he comes, his entire body convulses from the rush. Johnny watches in awe as he falls apart, then pumps into him a few more times before finding his own release. Taeyong’s name leaves his lips in a downright sinful moan as Johnny’s entire body stiffens. Taeyong watches as his mouth parts and his muscles flex before he practically collapses on top of him. They’re a mess of sweat and come, but Taeyong can’t recall ever being happier than this. He runs his fingers through Johnny’s damp hair, and the latter takes a few steadying breaths before rolling over. Then, he gets up from the bed and disappears into the bathroom. Taeyong pouts at their cuddle session being cut short, but Johnny returns a second later condom-free and with a washcloth. Taeyong blooms with love for him as Johnny cleans him gently and lavishes him with compliments.

“You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

“Your body is a gift.”

“Thank you for trusting me.”

Once he’s satisfied that Taeyong is clean enough, Johnny climbs back into bed and they hold each other for a while. Taeyong relishes in the feel of skin on skin, the comfort he feels in his embrace, and the peace in his soul. But then something occurs to him. It’s a dark thought that whispers through the haze of his happiness. He doesn’t deserve this. He finally lost his virginity, a milestone he’s imagined often, yet all he can think about is how Naeun would tease him. This isn’t how Taeyong thought it would be, and all he wants to do is tell his best friend all about it. But he can’t. Because she’s gone, and she’s not coming back.

  
**ENTRY 013**   
_La Douleur_

I’ve finally made a decision about what to do. Johnny will hate me, but I plan to tell him tomorrow. It’s my birthday, so maybe he won’t be so mad. But he and I were never meant for more than this. I think he knows that, too. I think he knows that I’ve seen the way he watches my best friend. And if I were a better person, I would have let him go a long time ago. Before it ever got to this point.

Love is such a fickle thing, huh? 

We could have been so good together.

On Tuesday, I’ll wake up a mother and fall asleep just Naeun. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself.

\- Naeun 

  
❦

  
After their night together, things seem to both fall into place and fall apart. Taeyong and Johnny get into their first fight, with the latter claiming that Taeyong is punishing himself for Naeun’s death and claiming that he no longer allows himself to enjoy things because he feels like he’s betraying his deceased friend by doing so. Taeyong hadn’t wanted to hear it, but he was slapped into reality when he spoke to Jaehyun about it and he agreed. The fact that Jaehyun agreed with someone he has actively hated for such a long time really put things into a different light for Taeyong. From then, even Johnny and Jaehyun started to get closer. They still bicker and claim to hate one another, but the three of them have been hanging out together more and more. It’s strange, but a nice change from how things used to be. Like today, the trio are all hanging out and doing whatever Taeyong wants to do. He’s in charge, and he’s going to make them regret ever allowing that to happen. If he has to lock them in a room together, he will. He’s determined for them all to be friends.

But, first, he needs to check on his dad. He hasn’t seen him or spoken to him in so long that he feels like he doesn’t even remember his face. And to say he’s worried is an understatement. As they pull up to the surf shop, Johnny gives his hand a comforting squeeze and cuts the engine. Johnny unbuckles his seatbelt, then slides over to Taeyong and pulls him in for a kiss. He tastes like birthday cake and cigarettes, but Taeyong breathes him in like a starving man. Their teeth clash, Taeyong getting lost in the sensations of Johnny’s body against his own, and he’s just about ready to straddle him when a loud knock on the window breaks them apart. Taeyong whips around to look, only to find Jaehyun standing outside with a shit-eating grin on his face. 

Before Taeyong gets the chance to do so, Jaehyun pulls open the door and holds it for him. “Consider us even, Ty.”

“What do you mean?” he asks as he climbs out, and Johnny does the same on the other side.

“You got a show, now I got one, too.”

“Next time, close your eyes.” Johnny glares.

But Jaehyun just laughs. “I’ll think about it.”

Johnny rolls his eyes and the three of them make their way to the front door, only to find that it’s locked. Taeyong peeks through the window, noticing that all the lights are off, and his heart sinks. It’s already past ten, and his dad usually opens the shop at nine.

“What the fuck?” he mumbles to himself, digging his own set of keys out of his pocket and opening the door. “Dad?” he calls out as Johnny flips on the lights and Jaehyun clicks the door shut behind them.

Taeyong has tried not focusing on his absent father the last few weeks, but this situation is something new entirely. The shop is his baby, and if he isn’t here, then something is wrong.

“Maybe he’s sick?” Jaehyun offers. “Try calling him.”

Taeyong pulls out his phone, finding Hajoon’s name in his contact list before pressing his thumb against it. He holds the device to his ear, listening as it rings repeatedly before finally going to voicemail. Taeyong’s heart drops at that, but he decides to leave a quick message just in case his dad decides to check it.

“Dad? I’m at the shop, and I’m worried as hell because you aren’t here. Please, call me back as soon as you can.”

Johnny starts looking around as Taeyong hangs up the phone and Jaehyun makes his way to the back office. “Maybe he’s asleep?” he offers before disappearing inside.

Taeyong turns to Johnny. “Have you heard anything else about my dad from Aron?”

Johnny shakes his head as he runs his hand over a display of hula girl figurines. “Nope, nothing. Aron is being purposefully obtuse about it all.”

Taeyong hears movement in the office then, followed by a loud curse. He and Johnny give each other a quick look before making their way to the back. They pause in the doorway when they see Jaehyun. His back is to them, but it’s obvious something is wrong with the way his muscles are flexed. His shoulders are rolled back and stiff, and his entire body seems to tremble.

“Jae?” Taeyong tries. “Are you okay?”

Jaehyun slowly turns around to face them, with something clutched in his hand. “Ty,” he whispers with tears in his eyes. “Why in the hell does your father have Naeun’s phone?”

There’s no denying that the phone in Jaehyun’s hand belongs to Naeun. Taeyong could recognize that sparkly purple case anywhere. His dad knows that the police have been looking for her phone, so if he just found it, then why didn’t he turn it in? Why is it in his office?

“It’s dead,” Jaehyun points out, still staring at the non-responsive phone in his hand.

Taeyong scrambles for a charger, the same one he kept at the shop for Naeun specifically since she had a bad habit of always letting her battery run out. He finally finds it hidden in one of the drawers and jams it into the wall. Jaehyun’s hands are shaking too badly to plug the cord into the phone though, so Johnny gently takes it from him and plugs the cable into the port. They all stare, holding their collective breaths as a battery symbol lights up the screen. They watch as a red lightning bolt flashes across the front until the device finally has enough power to turn on. A picture of Naeun and Johnny appears in place of the symbol, and even though Taeyong has seen that same picture a thousand times, it now takes on a different connotation.

Johnny has his arms wrapped around Naeun’s slender body, and she’s looking up at him with a half smile. They look cute together, but Johnny’s stoic face is what draws him in. Taeyong searches for traces of happiness in his gaze, but finds none. He’s drawn out of his thoughts when the phone prompts them for a password, however. Johnny types it in without hesitating and a barrage of notifications flood the screen. A chill crawls up his spine, causing his entire body to shake as a bad feeling comes over him. Something in the back of Taeyong’s mind is screaming for him not to look, that he won’t like what he sees on Naeun’s phone. But he has to. They all do. Jaehyun takes the phone back from Johnny, careful not to disrupt the power cord, and they’re all so quiet that Taeyong wonders if they can hear the way his heart is about to beat right out of his chest.

Jaehyun clicks his way into the missed calls first and finds ones from all of them, from other friends, from their parents, and even unknown numbers that Taeyong assumes belongs to various detectives. Jaehyun pushes the icon to bring up her text messages next and finds more of the same. Taeyong’s breath catches as he reads his own name and part of the last message that he ever sent to his best friend. But Jaehyun scrolls past all of their names quickly.

“There’s nothing really here.”

“Check the other apps,” Taeyong suggests.

Jaehyun looks through all of them before coming upon one that he doesn’t recognize. “What’s this?” he asks, clicking on what looks like three little bubbles. However, it only pops up with a passcode request.

“Try seven-eight-two-four,” Johnny offers.

Jaehyun types it in, but it doesn’t go through. Then, Taeyong thinks back to Naeun and how she always used to tell him how bad she was at remembering passwords. She said she would use things that were easy to remember, things she encountered every day. Things like her locker combination. 

“Try three-six-eight-nine-one.”

Jaehyun gives the numbers a shot, and sure enough, the app opens. “It’s some kind of messaging app,” he murmurs.

And all of their eyes seem to find Taeyong’s dad’s name at the same time. It isn’t exactly unusual for his dad’s name to show up in Naeun’s recent texts, but it is unusual that she was using some kind of secret app to talk to him. Taeyong’s eyes focus more on what really grabbed his attention in the first place, though. Something that doesn’t belong. There’s a little red heart emoji placed right after the name Hajoon Lee.

“What the fuck?” Jaehyun grits out as he opens the messages.

`NAEUN`  
`baby i’m in the woods…`   
`cops broke up the party so can u come get me pls?`

`NAEUN`   
`joonie? i need u pls`

`NAEUN`   
`i know we’ve been fighting abt the baby but i made the appt!!`   
`we can go back to normal!! n i wont push u anymore i promise pls`

`HAJOON`   
`I’m coming to get you. Just stay put.`

`NAEUN`   
`thank u thank u!! i love u sm`

“What does this mean?” Taeyong asks, though he already knows the answer.

`NAEUN`  
`i’m sorry ur wife almost caught us`   
`but we’ll just be more careful next time`

`HAJOON`   
`You know the rules`

Bile rises up Taeyong’s throat, and he shakes violently while reading the messages. Johnny wraps his arms around him as anger takes over his body, reality sinking in. His father? Naeun was having an affair with his father?

`HAJOON`   
`Can’t wait to see you. Wear that dress I like, okay? No panties.`

“Stop!” Taeyong screams as he scrambles away from the phone. “I can’t do this. I can’t…”

Sobs wrack his body, cutting off whatever else he wants to say. There’s so much about this that he can’t even begin to process. Not only has his dad been cheating on his mom, but he was doing so with Taeyong’s best friend. Subconsciously, he looks over at the bed and his stomach turns. Taeyong grabs a nearby trashcan and starts purging his breakfast. Regurgitated food coats his tongue as he heaves over and over and over again. Johnny rubs a comforting hand up and down his back as Jaehyun continues to stoically look through the phone. Taeyong pukes until there’s nothing left in his stomach, then wipes at his mouth with the back of his hand before collapsing onto the floor.

“Oh my God,” he cries out while clutching his stomach. “Oh my God, Jae…”

How can they ever be friends after this? How will Jaehyun ever be able to look at Taeyong and not see _him_? How will his family survive this? How will anything ever be okay again? Jaehyun shoots him a sympathetic look before addressing Johnny. The calmness in his demeanor is alarming, like he’s compartmentalized all of his feelings in order to find the truth.

“Do you recognize this number?” Jaehyun asks as he shows Johnny the screen.

“Looks like a burner. Could be Aron.”

“Read the message.”

`UNKNOWN NUMBER`   
`You better not tell anyone what you saw`

“We have to go to the police. I have to tell my mother— oh, God. _Mom_ ,” Taeyong croaks out, a fresh wave of nausea hitting him.

Jaehyun carefully sets the phone down then and reaches out to hug him. “Ty, breathe,” he instructs.

Taeyong hadn’t even realized that he was struggling to suck in air. But his chest is tight and the world is spinning. He just doesn’t understand how Jaehyun can so easily wrap his arms around him after everything he’s just found out.

“How are you so calm?” Taeyong asks, voice cracking. “Hit something. Hit me! It’s my dad, Jae. My fucking dad!”

Jaehyun grabs Taeyong’s head in his hands, forcing him to look him in the eye. “I’m not gonna hit anything. Just stay with us, okay?”

Johnny holds him tighter as well, and Taeyong falls apart in their arms. He doesn’t understand this. How could Naeun do this to him? All the sleepovers, all the trips to the beach to watch his father surf — it feels tainted now. _Wrong_. His imagination is no longer just broken what ifs surrounded by questions he can’t answer. He bids the unknown farewell with a wave goodbye and drowns in the reality of truth. The sea has dried up, the sun has set, and the lighthouse known for guiding hope is nothing but an extinguished bulb now. A broken promise to always guide him home. Betrayal is an eight-letter word bathed in a pastel purple hue.

“We have to go to the police,” Taeyong repeats in a whisper. “Please. I wanna go now! I can’t just sit here.”

Jaehyun quickly grabs Naeun’s cell phone and stands up. Johnny helps Taeyong to stand as well, but when his shaky legs refuse to hold his weight, Johnny picks him up and cradles him against his chest.

“I’ll head to the police station, you go to the hospital. Get Mrs. Lee. She needs to know what’s happening, and I don’t want her to find out from gossip or the news,” Jaehyun says.

Johnny nods in agreement as he practically runs out to his truck and gingerly sits Taeyong down in the passenger seat. He reaches over to buckle his seatbelt, then rounds the vehicle and slides into the driver’s side. He wastes no time in getting out on the road, then rolling down his window and lighting a cigarette. Normally, Taeyong hates when he smokes while they’re in the truck together, but he’s so numb that he barely registers the smell. He just can’t imagine his sweet, gentle father pressing against Naeun’s neck and squeezing the life out of her. Out of her baby, _their_ baby. Taeyong’s half-sibling. He starts retching again, and Johnny fishes around for something before handing him a takeout bag from his restaurant. Taeyong can’t comprehend anything that’s happening. None of it feels real, but it is.

Taeyong lays his head against the cool glass of the half open window and lets the air rush in around him. He tries to calm himself down because they’re going to be at the hospital soon and he’s going to have to tell his mother. He closes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths, visualizing the ocean and the movement of the water as waves form and crash. But, then, he sees Naeun in the wall of water, her normally bright eyes dim as she begs for mercy while his dad tightens his grip. Taeyong’s eyes snap open, and hot tears fall down his cheeks. Johnny makes the final turn into the hospital parking lot, tires squealing as he pulls into a spot and shuts off the truck. Putting his arm around Taeyong’s shoulders, he gathers his boyfriend into him and sprinkles kisses on top of his head as he cries into his chest.

Taeyong doesn’t want to break away from the safety of his arms, doesn’t want to go inside the hospital to break the news to his mom, but he has to. She has to hear it from him. He knows this is going to break her, and she needs him for when she falls apart. Lifting his head from Johnny’s shoulder, Taeyong digs his palms into his eyes in an effort to stop the tears. His eyes sting and he can feel how puffy they are, so he gives up pretty quickly. Taeyong opens the door after taking another deep breath and gets out, letting the fresh air settle around him. The brightness of the sun feels obscene given what they’re about to do, but Johnny helps to ground him when he appears at his side and weaves their fingers together.

“I’ve got you.”

Taeyong nods, and they walk through the entrance hand in hand. One of the older employees at the nurse’s station recognizes him immediately and waves. But the concern on her face becomes more obvious as they get closer and she gets a good look at his face.

“Is everything okay, dear?”

“Is my mom around?” Taeyong squeaks out.

“She is. Come on back to the break room and I’ll get her for you.”

Taeyong makes the trek to the familiar room where he and his mom have shared many meals over the years. He thinks back to Christmases spent with his parents, his mom’s diamond ring glittering in the sunlight as they ate lunch on the patio, birthday parties at the bowling alley, surfing, and his mom kissing his dad on the forehead as thanks for making her favorite breakfast after a long night shift. Their perfect little home, the home with hidden cracks in the walls.

“Baby? Are you okay?” Yumi rushes out as she enters the room. “Monica said you’d been crying?”

Taeyong looks up at her with tears in his eyes, wondering how in the hell he’s supposed to possibly say what he needs to. How can he voice what he’s found out? Johnny seems to sense the turmoil in his soul and gives his hand a comforting squeeze. 

“Do you want me to do it?” Johnny asks.

“Do you want him to do what? What’s going on, Ty? You’re starting to scare me,” Yumi expresses.

“Do you know where Dad is?”

Yumi shrugs. “At the surf shop? I don’t know, we haven’t really been able to see much of each other lately. Why? Did something happen?”

“Mom… you should probably sit down.”

“Is something wrong with Hajoon? Did he have a surfing accident?” Yumi asks, though she does as Taeyong instructs and takes a seat.

Taeyong steps forward, crouching down and clasping their hands together firmly. “We found Naeun’s phone in Dad’s office.”

Yumi squints in confusion. “Her phone?”

“We plugged it in and found messages between them. Between Dad and Naeun. They were having an affair, and he was there the night she died.”

Yumi’s mouth drops open in shock. First, she shakes her head, then she just stares at their hands in disbelief. A million emotions cross her face at once, and Taeyong waits for the reality of it to finally hit her. He waits for the realization to wrap around her body and drown her in the disaster he’s currently feeling.

“I knew he was seeing someone,” Yumi whispers. 

“What?”

“All the signs were there. He stopped… he stopped wanting me months ago. But I ignored it because…” Her voice trails off, and she swats at her eyes. Her cheeks are red with anger, and Taeyong watches her shoulders slump in defeat. “It makes sense. He hasn’t been the same since she died, but I just thought he was grieving. Oh my God.” Yumi stands up and starts pacing the floors, fists clenched at her sides. “He killed Naeun,” she whispers. “Hajoon killed Naeun. Hajoon killed Naeun. _Hajoon killed Naeun_ ,” she murmurs repeatedly, obviously in shock and like she can't actually believe it.

“Jae took the phone to the police, Mom. You know what that means, right?” Taeyong asks.

Yumi starts shaking violently, her legs a jumble of nerves, and Johnny leaves Taeyong briefly to guide her back into the hard plastic chair. It feels wrong to tear her world apart at the hospital, but there’s no time for anything else. Soon, the news of Hajoon and Naeun’s involvement will spread like wildfire, and he isn’t even sure if they’ll be able to go home. The press will surely catch wind of this, and what if Hajoon is there? Taeyong doesn’t want to see him. Not now. Not ever again.

“She was pregnant,” Yumi cries out. “That poor girl was pregnant, Ty. The baby. That precious baby. Your half-sibling. Your best friend.”

Yumi cradles her head in her hands as both of them cry, not caring about the other nurses that walk in and stare at the scene curiously. Taeyong doesn’t even care that his phone is ringing violently in his pocket or that Johnny is wrapping him up in a hug and whispering that they need to leave. Taeyong’s family is broken apart, and there’s nothing in the world that could ever mend them back together again.

  
**ENTRY 014**  
 _Éclaircissement_

A hard lesson to learn is not to trust people who say they love you, then do the opposite. Actions are important. Actions are the hallmark of a person’s soul.

I don’t think he ever loved me back.

\- Naeun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Kudos, comments, and any kind of other feedback is always welcome and definitely encouraged. You get an extra thank you for taking the time to do so, but just reading is appreciated and you're still valid! If you'd like to follow me on Twitter, where I sometimes post edits and previews for upcoming fics, then I'll leave the link to that and my Curious Cat account below. 
> 
> My DMs are always open to anyone, no matter if you follow me or not, if you'd like to discuss anything or just need someone to talk to! I also have Discord and am willing to give out my username if you ask. Hope everyone has a nice day, be safe out there!
> 
> ( [twt](https://twitter.com/icaruswilts) ) / ( [cc](https://curiouscat.me/internetsdad) )


	6. Chapter 6

Taeyong sits snuggled up in a blanket on the living room couch in Jaehyun’s house, with his mother asleep in his lap. He strokes her hair, staring at her tear-stained cheeks and listening to her desolate moans in her sleep. Johnny made both of them some food, but it’s been sitting on the coffee table untouched ever since. Taeyong just can’t bring himself to eat, not when his stomach is in knots. The moment Jaehyun turned in the cell phone and revealed what he’d found, their house had become a crime scene investigation. And the police have questions for all of them, but they’re not ready to answer them. Taeyong wants to know what exactly is going on, but he’s also too afraid to turn on his phone.

Earlier, during a moment of weakness, Taeyong had ripped out a chunk of his hair while sobbing in Naeun’s bathroom. He could do nothing but stare at the clump of insanity in his hand before Johnny had finally dragged him downstairs. Taeyong knows he has to stay strong for his mother, but he’s finding it harder and harder not to break. When Yumi’s eyes are closed, Taeyong has to continuously fight his demons. And when she’s lost in her own world, Taeyong punctures his heart with a fork, hoping to watch it bleed. He just doesn’t know how Naeun could do this to him. Though, the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that the signs were always there. Right in front of his face.

Naeun would work at the surf shop only when his father was around, and she would always get extra dressed up when coming over to his house. She would offer Hajoon flirty smiles, too. Smiles that Taeyong initially mistook as familiarity. He wonders just how long it had been going on. Was his father a predator? Taeyong can’t help but to imagine him with sharp teeth and hair like a lion, stalking his best friend during her vulnerable moments. Was Naeun innocent in all of this? Was she coerced by some villain? Or were they both the masters of their own fate, willingly dancing with the devil in exchange for a moment of bliss?

“You need to eat,” Johnny whispers.

“I’m not hungry.”

Johnny blows out a sigh while running his hand through his hair. Taeyong knows he just wants to help, but none of them know what they’re doing. None of them know what they even need. Hell, Taeyong has no clue whether or not any of them will ever be okay again. The front door opens then, startling him out of his thoughts, and he watches as Jaehyun enters with a paper bag clutched in hand.

“Jae?” he asks, making his mother stir in his lap. Jaehyun takes one look at her, then nods towards the back patio. Understanding what he’s trying to say without words, Taeyong gently slides out from under her and makes his way over to the door, followed by both Johnny and Jaehyun. “What happened?” he asks the moment the door slides shut behind them.

Jaehyun fishes a large bottle of whiskey out of the paper bag and unscrews the cap, taking a long swig of the burning liquid before handing it over to Taeyong. He doesn’t even think twice as he wraps his lips around the bottle and gulps down some also, relishing in the pain blooming in his chest from the heat of the drink. With a hiss, Taeyong wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and holds it out to Johnny. But he doesn’t indulge like the other two.

“They arrested your dad,” Jaehyun says in a low voice. “Found him drunk off his ass at the beach. He started fucking… _wailing_ and screaming that he knew they would find him eventually. They checked his phone’s records, too, and determined that he was in the woods at the time of Naeun’s death. They took a sample of his DNA to compare to the fetus, but he admitted to them that he was the father. They have enough evidence now to conclude that…”

“My dad killed Naeun,” Taeyong whispers, the words feeling foreign on his tongue. “Jae… I’m so sorry.”

Jaehyun takes the bottle of whiskey back and takes a swig before setting it down on the patio table. “They wanna bring your mom in for questioning tomorrow. Wanna make sure she didn’t know and that she wasn’t an accomplice.” 

Taeyong’s lips part on a gasp. “What?”

“I told them that there was no way in hell your mom had any part in this, that she definitely didn’t know, but they’re just trying to be thorough.” 

Taeyong threads his hands together while wondering how on Earth his mother is going to survive an interrogation. She’s barely keeping it together as it is.

“I won’t let her go through this alone, Ty. She’s been like a mother to me for as long as I can remember. I know she’s innocent.”

Taeyong’s throat constricts. “How can you even stand to look at me? Why are you helping us?”

“Because you aren’t your father. You loved Naeun, we all did. And she fucked each and every one of us over. I’m pissed at her and pissed at your dad, but I’m also angry at myself for not figuring it out sooner.”

A sob tears out of Taeyong. “I just… I can’t believe this is happening.”

Jaehyun blows out a sigh as he stares at the ocean, eyes heavy with sadness and posture defeated.

“What about Aron? He had some kind of role in this, too, I know it,” Johnny says.

He sits down on a chair next to Taeyong, then reaches out to hold his hand. And Taeyong squeezes his hand in a show of comfort, treating Johnny like a lifeline. 

Jaehyun nods. “Hajoon isn’t talking, but there are a lot of messages on that app linking them. The police couldn’t find Aron when they went looking, though. They think he may have caught wind that shit was headed south and fled. He could be halfway across the world right now for all we know.”

“So, he’s just out there somewhere? How is Aron even involved in all of this?” Taeyong asks.

“I don’t know, but they’ll find him eventually. I know they will. Until then, though, we’re all staying here.”

Taeyong is walking through the woods, ones that look so much like his and Naeun’s, yet nothing like them all at once. The trees are bigger and thicker, the bark gnarled and branches menacing. It’s pitch black, with only a wisp of the moon to guide him. He doesn’t know where he’s going, and no matter how hard he tries to get out, every step he takes only carries him deeper into the tangled thicket. A deep fog rolls in, blanketing the forest floor, and Taeyong finds that he can’t even see his own feet beneath it. The mist rolls up into the trees and dances in the branches. He waves his arms frantically, desperate to clear the haze, but that does nothing except anger some owls who screech their protest in his direction.

He puts his hands out in front of him to try and feel his way through the forest, but he finds only rough bark. Taeyong moves along, dragging his hand against the tree as he walks. Then, he feels something warm and wet which causes him to suddenly snap his hand away. That’s when he looks down at his palms, only to find them both stained with blood. He shrieks, and the fog clears as though it’s scared of his scream. With it gone, he’s able to see again, so he looks towards the bleeding tree to find that it isn’t really a tree at all. It’s Naeun. She’s standing as tall as the forest, and her skin is made of bark. Her feet are rooted into the Earth, and her arms extend up through the sky. Her trunk is mutilated and hollow, her organs lying scattered at her feet, and her face is twisted into a strangled scream with blood pouring out of her eyes.

Close by, his father is hunched over something small and wiggling. He reaches his arm out, and Taeyong can see that he’s petting a wild pig that’s been feasting on Naeun’s insides. That’s when he seems to sense Taeyong’s presence and turns to him with a laugh.

“Don’t cry, peanut. You know how Naeun can be.”

Taeyong screams and falls to his knees, holding his head in his hands while his dad laughs. His laughter only seems to grow in volume until Taeyong’s screams completely overpower it and he suddenly wakes up in Jaehyun’s living room. Instantly, everyone surrounds him, and he realizes that he’s on the floor. He can only guess that he must have fallen off the couch after thrashing around from his nightmare. 

“Tae, baby. Come back to us. You’re dreaming,” Yumi says, her soft arms wrapping him up in an embrace as she rubs his back.

Taeyong sobs into her shoulder as the Naeun from his dreams remains burned into his brain, her mangled body half human, half tree. “Her blood,” he cries. “I had her blood on my hands.”

“Shh…” Yumi soothes, rocking her son back and forth in her arms. “It’s okay, you’re safe. We’re all here.”

Johnny takes Taeyong’s hand then, stroking his thumb and just being a solid presence at his side. Jaehyun stands from his place, making his way into the kitchen, only to return a short time later with a hot cup of tea. Yumi releases her hold so Taeyong can take the cup from him, and he starts to feel better as its warmness fills him. 

“Johnny?” he croaks.

Although Taeyong is thankful for the comfort his mother provides, he needs Johnny’s strong and reassuring presence right now more than ever.

“I’m here,” Johnny assures him as Yumi unravels her arms from around Taeyong completely. Within seconds, he crawls onto Johnny’s lap and nuzzles against his chest. “I’ll always be here. I’m not going anywhere.”

As they sit together, Jaehyun leads Yumi away to one of the guest bedrooms to sleep while Johnny rocks Taeyong. He feels like a small, helpless child in his embrace, but Taeyong can’t even close his eyes again without seeing Naeun’s mangled body or his father’s manic expression. He loses all sense of time the longer they sit there, but it eventually occurs to him that he hasn’t even checked on Johnny throughout all of this. He hasn’t even asked how he feels.

“How’re you holding up?” Taeyong questions, pulling away to be able to look at his face. “Are you okay?”

Johnny tucks a strand of hair behind Taeyong’s ear and presses their foreheads together. “Honestly? I’m conflicted.”

“About what? Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“I’m angry for you. I’m trying my best not to storm out of this house, track down my brother, and demand answers. I’m also sad for Naeun. I really thought she was cheating on me with some dumb fuck from your school or some dumb fuck named Aron, but now I realize that she was being taken advantage of by a… _predator_. Then, I can’t help feeling like shit for saying such a thing because I know that’s your dad. But, worst of all, I’m relieved. I know it’s fucked, but it makes me feel okay about us…”

“Okay?” Taeyong repeats, anger stirring within him. “It makes you feel _okay_ about us? And just how the fuck were you feeling before, Johnny? Are you trying to say this relationship is fair game now? Naeun fucked my father so it’s _okay_ for you to fuck her best friend?”

Johnny sighs. “That’s not what I meant. I just thought that, maybe, this would help you stop letting your guilt hold you back.”

Taeyong grits his teeth, trying to swallow the bitter taste in his mouth as he stands. “I’m not holding back. I feel like you keep putting this on me when I’ve done nothing but try and move forward. I’ve ignored the whispers, I’ve spent the night with you, I even gave you my virginity. And that had nothing to do with Naeun, my dad, or anything else. So, maybe I’m not the one feeling all this guilt or pulling away. Maybe you’re the one having an issue with this relationship. And I gotta say, if you are, this is a really shitty time to bring it up!”

Johnny shoots up from the floor then, too, breathing hard as he glares at Taeyong. “Maybe I am.”

Taeyong’s mouth drops open in shock, not really expecting Johnny to agree with him. “What?” he asks, voice softening. 

“I do feel guilty, okay? It fucks me up to think about the fact that I was the one to introduce Aron to Naeun. I know he had something to do with her death, Tae. I can feel it in my goddamn bones. And I’m pissed at myself. The night that Naeun was murdered by your fucking father, I was thinking about you. That’s just… it’s so fucked up. Especially because I’m here now being hopelessly in love with you.”

Taeyong’s mouth parts on an inaudible gasp. It’s the first time Johnny has ever truly admitted to his feelings, but it’s also such shitty timing. Taeyong thinks he loves him too, but it’s all just too much. He isn’t sure if he can handle it. Not right now.

“I didn’t love Naeun, so what if that’s the reason she turned to your dad? Maybe I pushed her into his arms. Maybe we fought too much or maybe the pressure of my brother was too overwhelming for her.”

“Johnny…” he whispers before rushing over to him and wrapping his arms around the boy’s waist. “It’s not your fault.”

“I was so relieved…” Johnny mumbles.

“You can’t do this to yourself,” Taeyong tells him.

“You really can’t,” Jaehyun interrupts, and Taeyong turns around to face him. “Naeun fucked us all over. It’s not like she was a child, she knew what she was doing. She tore apart a family, cheated on you, and lied to all of us. I don’t wanna hear any more talk about what we all could have done differently. Not here. Not in this big, empty house. Not in front of me. Naeun made her own decisions, and I don’t want her actions tearing us all apart again.”

Jaehyun’s jaw clenches, and he picks up a picture frame of himself and Naeun before tossing it at the wall. The sound of glass shattering fills the room, and when Taeyong looks at the photo lying in a pile of shards on the floor, his heart breaks.

“I need you to man the fuck up. So what if your brother is a piece of shit? We already knew that, but Ty needs you right now. The time for feeling bad about all of this has passed. We’re too far gone. So, be there for Ty… or I will.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Johnny snaps.

“Figure it out,” Jaehyun replies, disappearing from the room before either of them can respond.

“I need to get outta here,” Johnny says.

“What? No, don’t go. I need you,” Taeyong begs.

“Jaehyun is right. If I don’t get my shit together, I’ll only make things worse for you.”

“We can figure it out together,” Taeyong rushes out. “Stay. _Please_. If you leave, I won’t be able to handle it.”

Johnny lets out a sigh, shoulders slumping in defeat. “Okay, I’ll stay.”

Taeyong hugs him tighter, body exhausted and mind racing. His soul feels numb, but he knows he can’t possibly face this without Johnny. He wants to be there for him, too. He wants them to weather this storm together. After a minute, the two of them move onto the couch, and Taeyong rests his head on Johnny’s lap. He even clutches Johnny’s thigh with his fingers, as if that will somehow keep him in place.

“Promise me that you won’t leave?” Taeyong whispers.

“Promise.”

  
❦

  
Weeks have gone by since his father’s arrest, but it’s still the only thing anyone on the island seems to want to talk about. Taeyong understands it, though, since nothing like this has ever happened before in their little community. He’s still getting used to hearing his name in hushed whispers, but at least he doesn’t break down in tears every time someone points at him anymore. And, at least, his father is currently far away from them. Their island didn’t have anywhere fit to hold Hajoon while he awaits trial, so they had to transfer him to a prison in one of the larger cities nearby. Though, he could be on an entirely different continent for all it matters to Taeyong. It’s not like he’s attempted to contact Taeyong or his mother, either. Which is completely fine by the both of them since they easily determined they never wanted to see or hear from him again. They both just want to forget he even exists.

Yumi took an official leave of absence from the hospital once the news completely broke, and Taeyong wasn’t able to go back to school because of it. Everyone really loved Naeun, and he couldn’t force himself to face the accusing stares from her other friends and their teachers. Nor could he face the questions from people who didn’t even really know her but were morbidly curious. He couldn’t even face walking the halls alone, knowing that if he and Naeun would have never been friends that she would still be alive. Luckily, his mother was able to work with the school and find a way for him to finish out his senior year from home. Between the internet and Jaehyun helping wherever he could, it’s turned out to be pretty easy getting his remaining assignments done.

He throws himself into it every day, reading his textbooks and completing projects like it’s his life’s mission. And, honestly, his grades have never been better. Jaehyun decided to still continue going to school and has even managed to make up for all of his absences following Naeun’s murder. As for Johnny, he’s been picking up more shifts at the restaurant and hasn’t exactly been around much. Taeyong has been trying not to take it personally. He doesn’t know if Johnny is deliberately pushing him away or if he just needs to pick up the extra hours. Many times, he’s wanted to ask, but the two of them have been so distant that he has no idea how to address it. Not to mention the fact that Taeyong and his mother decided to close the surf shop. He couldn’t bear to step foot in there again, so Yumi had gone in and got all of their personal belongings before hanging a sign on the door.

_Closed Indefinitely_.

Taeyong has fallen into a new routine, though, and often finds himself with a lot more free time now that he isn’t attending school. For most of the day, he spends his time surfing at a secluded area of the beach before surrendering to the physical and mental exhaustion and passing out right on the sand. Today is no different, except for the fact that he’s suddenly being woken up by strong hands shaking his shoulders. As Taeyong slowly comes out of the haze of his afternoon nap, he realizes that those hands actually belong to Jaehyun. And he’s saying something, but Taeyong isn’t awake enough to register what it is.

“Ty, wake up,” Jaehyun repeats.

Taeyong lifts himself up onto his elbows and squints at his friend. “What’s going on?”

“I found something,” he replies. “Something I really think you need to see.”

Taeyong scrambles to his feet — any trace of grogginess wiped out — and brushes the sand off of his body as he follows Jaehyun to where both of their cars are parked.

“What is it?” Taeyong asks, mind filled with trepidation. He really isn’t sure he can handle much more upheaval in his life.

“I think it’s better if I show you.”

His words cause Taeyong to raise his brows, interest piqued. He doesn’t ask Jaehyun anything more, and the two of them climb into their respective vehicles before heading in the direction of Jaehyun’s house. The drive is difficult. Taeyong feels a sense of dread similar to when Naeun was missing, and he wonders if relief will ever come. He wonders when all of the secrets will finally stop. Once they arrive at the house, Taeyong finds himself not being able to exit the Jeep, clutching the steering wheel like his life depends on it. He hates this car.

If they could afford something else, Taeyong would trade it in. Every inhale reminds him of the surfing wax his dad prefers, and he can still make out the stain on the seat from when Hajoon took him to get snow cones and he spilled his cherry slush. There’s even a scratch in the paint from where Taeyong accidentally bumped his surfboard against the door, and the hanging air freshener on the rearview mirror is a hula girl Hajoon picked out himself. Everything inside is a reminder of the things Taeyong is trying so hard to forget.

“Ty? You coming?” Jaehyun asks as he looks at his friend like he’s some ticking time bomb.

“Yeah,” Taeyong murmurs as he unbuckles his seatbelt and climbs out.

He follows Jaehyun inside quietly, wishing that Johnny were here to support him. He hasn’t texted Taeyong in a couple of days, but that isn’t exactly new. Maybe their time has just passed. Nothing lasts forever, after all, and the more distance put between them, the more Taeyong realizes that he and Johnny will never get the happily ever after they deserve. 

“I figured out the password for Naeun’s email,” Jaehyun admits as Taeyong sits down at the kitchen table and is handed a tablet. “I remembered that she used to write these emails to our parents but never send them. She said she would sometimes discuss her day, but would more often than not express how she felt about their absence. And I had this thought that maybe if I found them and sent them to our parents that they would come home, you know?”

“Jae…” he whispers, frowning as he reaches out to hold his forearm. “Did you find them?”

“I did. And I think I’m gonna send them. Our parents need to know everything they missed out on. I want Naeun to be heard, despite it all.”

“You know you’re allowed to still care about her, right?” Taeyong reminds him. “You don’t have to hate her.”

“I know,” Jaehyun says, letting the silence wrap around them for a brief moment before he finally speaks again. “While I was looking, I found an email addressed to you.”

Taeyong blinks. “What?”

“Yeah, I found it in her drafts. It was written the day before she…”

Taeyong isn’t so sure that he wants to read it, but he also knows he will never feel closure unless he does. “May I?”

“Of course. I’ll leave you to it.”

Taeyong tilts the tablet more in his direction and waits for Jaehyun to go outside before his eyes focus in on the words. An eerie feeling settles over him, and it’s like Naeun is sitting in the chair beside him, just waiting to drop a bomb in his lap. But, with a steadying breath, he starts reading.

  
_Dear Taeyong,_

_I think I’ve typed this email about a hundred times by now, never sure where to start or how to end it. I feel like the only way to get through this, though, is to be as blunt as possible: I’ve been lying to you. And I’m terrified that once you figure out what I’ve done, you’ll never want to speak to me again. You’re like a brother to me, but I’ve always envied you. You have parents that love you, good grades, and a quiet soul that makes people lean in just to hear what you have to say. In truth, I think that’s what really drew us together. We connected because I’ve always wanted to be loved, and you don’t know how to do anything but love. It’s in everything you do. You leave your heart wide open for the people lucky enough to know you._

_Taeyong, I’m pregnant._

_I betrayed you in the most horrendous ways, and I can’t even say the father’s name out loud because I know that once I do, what we have will be over. I don’t know if I love him or if I’m even capable of loving anyone. I thought I did, but now I’m just… scared. He’s not the man I thought he was._

_I do think I would be a good mom, though. I’d do everything mine didn’t. I’d never leave my baby, I’d figure my shit out. Stop partying, stop using my body to fill a void, and I’d for sure make you the godfather. I think my child could learn a lot from you. But, of course, it’s not that simple. It never is. There’s someone else, Taeyong. Someone threatening me. And I’m scared to bring this baby into a world where danger lurks around every corner._

_Am I making any sense? I just have to be careful, Taeyong. That’s what I’m trying to say._

_I honestly hope you never read this. I hope all of my secrets get lost. But, mostly, I hope to heal. Eventually. I hope you never have to know what a terrible friend I’ve been. I hope you never learn of the secrets I’ve been keeping. But if you do learn, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. My whole life, I’ve always been looking to feel something. I’ve been looking for a home. I’ve been searching for love and warmth and happiness. And I’m so goddamn stupid because I’ve had it all along._

_With you._

_With Jaehyun._

_Even with Johnny._

_I love you, Taeyong Lee. Thank you for being a good friend to me. I truly don’t deserve you. Not in the slightest. But I promise I’m going to be better from now on._

_Love, Naeun_

  
Taeyong rereads the unsent email again. And again. And again. Naeun was scared. She knew something was going to happen to her, and emotion swells in Taeyong’s chest at the thought. He’s feeling so many things at once that he doesn’t even know where to start. His heart aches for Naeun, thinking about her living her final days pregnant, alone, and scared. It’s not the first time he’s thought it, but he just wishes she could have come to him. Now that he knows Hajoon killed her and was the father of her unborn child, he understands why she didn’t. But there’s still a part of him that wishes she could have found a way to talk to him about it. He feels an overwhelming sadness when he reads about how Naeun was just searching for her place in this world. For family, love, and somewhere to call home.

Taeyong never had to wonder if his parents loved him growing up because he had a happy childhood and always knew where he belonged. It only makes him more angry at his father, though, for ripping a broken and scared girl out of the world. A girl that he had known since she was three years old. A girl that easily could have been him. He took advantage of her, preyed on her, and then took her life like it meant nothing. Taeyong also feels an overwhelming amount of peace and closure, too. Naeun did know what she was doing was wrong, but she wanted to change. She wanted to do better. She wanted to be a mother and give her baby the unconditional love she never got from her own. And now Taeyong knows, without a doubt, that Naeun did love him.

Jaehyun returns to the kitchen not long after Taeyong finishes reading the email for the hundredth time, and he asks him to print it off. He agrees without question, and while he’s doing that, Taeyong digs around for a pen and some paper. Then, he sits back and lets everything he’ll never be able to say to Naeun pour out.

  
_Dear Naeun,_

_Sometimes I wonder if I ever really knew you. It took me a while to navigate my feelings about all of this, but in the end, there’s still love. It’s not as blinding as before, it’s more layered with hurt and regret. But it’s there, still making a home for itself in my heart. You’ll always be my Naeun. Always my best friend. I wish I could understand why you did this. I wish I could understand why you risked it all. I’d like to think I would have helped you if you came to me, but I guess we’ll never know._

_This letter isn’t about all the things you’ve done wrong, though. I think you’ve already paid the price for that in blood. In loss. I’m so sorry you were alone, Naeun. And I’m sorry for your baby, too._

_I also wanted to thank you. Our story might be unconventional, but I love Johnny. I deeply and irrevocably love him. You were the one who taught me how to live every day to its fullest, and I opened my heart because of you. I’ll always be thankful for the lessons you taught me. I’ll always be thankful for him. So, I’ll make you a promise here and now. One that I intend to keep until the day we meet again in some other life, in a life where you’ll be the person you want to be and experience all of the things you dreamed of._

_I’ll watch Jaehyun._

_I promise to take care of him._

_Love always, Taeyong_

  
When Jaehyun returns with a printed copy of the email, Taeyong takes both that and his letter and holds them tightly in hand. Then, he intertwines his fingers with Jaehyun’s and leads him outside, down the back staircase, and onto the beach where the fire pit sits untouched. Taeyong turns the knob, and after a moment, flames spring to life out of the beautiful crystals that fill the pit. He tosses both letters into the fire at the same time, one letter from the living and one from a ghost. Jaehyun doesn’t even question it, he just stands there beside Taeyong watching as the paper turns to ash and floats out onto the ocean.

  
❦

  
Time is a funny thing.

Even though so much of it has passed, it still feels like when Naeun had first gone missing. That was back when Taeyong thought finding her body had been the conclusion to a nightmare and not the beginning. It’s been a few weeks since Hajoon’s arrest and since the DNA test revealed that he was the father of Naeun’s unborn child. Taeyong has to remind himself every morning that Naeun is gone and his father is in prison for taking her from them just so he doesn’t somehow fall into feeling sorry for someone he’s loved his entire life. However, today, he’s more focused on the semi-annual competition that serves as a counterpart to the Christmas competition where Johnny noticed him for the first time.

This time six months ago, Taeyong was excited for all of the buzz around the island, the commotion associated with the competition, and the potential business it would bring to the surf shop. Naeun had even been busy picking out her sexiest swimsuit and expertly playing around with new makeup in order to look her best for Johnny. But, now, Taeyong feels none of that same elation. He’s only going to support Jaehyun and Johnny, but he still doesn’t even know where he stands with the latter. Their occasional texting has dwindled down to nothing. Taeyong wants to respect his space, wants to understand, but he’s also dealing with his own shit.

He’s never been the type of guy to chase something that isn’t his. He’s okay when he doesn’t think about it, but he knows that all of the feelings he’s been suppressing are going to surface once he sees Johnny again. Subconsciously, Taeyong brings his hand to his neck where he lets his fingers run over the tiny silver surfboard before composing himself and grabbing his bag. He also makes a mental note to grab some snacks as well, and at the last minute, he quickly tosses a new block of wax in with the rest of his things. He thinks back to the last time he gave it to Johnny and what that meant for the evolution of their relationship.

When Taeyong arrives at the crowded beach, he swears he can feel everyone’s eyes on him as he walks across the hot sand to find a spot to watch. He waits for the whispers, the mean glares, and the cruel accusations, but he keeps his spine straight and his chin held high. He’s survived worse than this, and he just wants one day to watch Jaehyun and Johnny surf without having to think about his fucked up life.

“I’m surprised to see you here,” Cherie says, causing Taeyong to turn and face the girl who he hasn’t seen in such a long time that he swears he barely remembers her face.

“Can’t hide forever,” he replies, preparing himself for her cruel words. But instead of lashing out at him with gossip and commentary about the scandal surrounding his family, Cherie sits down beside him causing Taeyong’s brows to raise in surprise. “Uh… what’re you doing?”

“Don’t start making us friendship bracelets or anything, I just feel bad for you. Sitting alone at these competitions is pathetic.”

“I don’t need your pity, Cherie.” 

“And I didn’t need yours the night you helped me either, so just shut up and don’t make me regret being nice,” Cherie states, running a hand through her hair. “Are you, like, doing… okay?”

“As good as you can expect, I guess.”

But Taeyong’s words trail off when a dark head of hair and a sculpted body catch his attention, making his entire being light up. Johnny is cradling a board under his arm and wearing a stoic expression, but he still looks as beautiful as ever.

“At least you have that sexy piece of meat to wipe your tears,” Cherie says with a low whistle. 

And maybe it’s because Taeyong just misses having these kinds of conversations or maybe it’s because Cherie is just in the right place at the right time, but he decides to open up to her.

“Except he doesn’t really talk to me anymore. He’s been avoiding me like the plague.”

Cherie laughs. “Really? You’re so dense, Tae. I saw him staring at you long before you noticed him.”

“What?” Taeyong asks, albeit with a little too much enthusiasm. 

“Can I give you some advice?” Cherie asks.

“I have a feeling you’re gonna give it to me regardless if I say yes, so sure.”

“I’ll only say this once, so listen up. You’re hot, okay? You don’t even have to try. Which, honestly, is actually kinda infuriating. But, sometimes, you have to get off your ass and _take_ what you want, Taeyong Lee. Stop pining for the asshole and go show him exactly what he’s missing.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes, seriously! Go! I’ll be here when you’re done, and then we can sit and watch the competition while pretending not to hate each other for a day. Okay?”

Cherie shoos him with her hands, and Taeyong quickly stands up, making sure to grab the fresh block of wax from his bag before he goes. Johnny is standing away from the crowd, looking out into the ocean, and Taeyong takes the small opening to approach. He ruffles his hair a bit, just to give himself less of a put together look, then reaches out his hand and apprehensively touches his shoulder. Johnny turns to face him, but Taeyong can’t tell if he’s happy to see him or irritated. Johnny’s eyes don’t exactly betray his feelings whatsoever.

“Hey,” he greets casually.

“Hey,” Taeyong says back, feeling incredibly awkward with the man who used to make him feel so safe and loved.

They stand there uncomfortably staring at each other, not really knowing what to say, and Taeyong looks down at his feet in the sand trying to find the right words when he remembers the wax in his hand. Which he then holds up between them like some kind of offering on a shrine. 

“Thanks,” Johnny says, completely stone-faced. “But I already waxed my board.”

“Oh,” Taeyong whispers, face falling. “I just thought you might want a new one. For luck, you know?” Johnny turns his head, averting his eyes. There’s so many things Taeyong wants to say to him, and words just start pouring out. “So, are we done? We never officially broke up, but I just kind of assumed we were over since you stopped returning my calls and haven’t stopped by to see me and have been pretty much avoiding me in public…”

Taeyong prays that he’ll correct him. He wants Johnny to tell him that this is all just a temporary lapse in their story, that he’ll work through his reservations, and that they can move past it all. But he doesn’t say anything like that.

“Tae,” he murmurs, tone tinged with regret. “I’m sorry, but I have to get ready for the competition.” 

“Right,” Taeyong whispers. “The competition, of course…”

“Take care of yourself,” Johnny says before brushing past him.

Taeyong is about to take his leave as well when anger suddenly unfurls in his gut, and he decides that he isn’t about to just let Johnny walk away. If he doesn’t have the balls to say it to Taeyong’s face, to end things, then he’s going to make him. Taeyong deserves that much after everything they’ve been through.

“Johnny!” he yells, causing him to stop walking and turn around to face him. Taeyong marches up to him without a care in the world and doesn’t even pay attention to anyone who may be eavesdropping. “You know what, you don’t get to walk away from this. You don’t get to just abandon me.”

“I’m not trying to abandon you, I just—”

“You’re just ignoring me, huh? And when confronted with it, you couldn’t even give me a proper break up. I’m not ready to end this, Johnny. I love you, but I’m not gonna wait around forever, either. I may have lost my best friend, my father, the surf shop, and my sense of normalcy, but I haven’t lost hope. You and I could be good for one another. We _were_ really good together. I just hope you figure out what you want, but even more so, I hope what you want is me. Good luck today.”

Johnny frowns at him but doesn’t say word. Seconds pass before he finally turns and disappears into a throng of people. Taeyong lowers his hand with the wax and lets his head and shoulders slump as he tries to keep himself together. He walks back to where Cherie is waiting, and it’s obvious from the look on her face that she knows what happened even though there’s no way she could have heard. Taeyong sits down next to her on the sand, just waiting for some kind of backhanded comment or an outright mean one, but she seems hellbent on surprising him today.

“It’s okay, Tae. It doesn’t mean anything. He’s a fucking dumbass for walking away.”

Between Cherie actually being nice and the painfully uncomfortable interaction with Johnny, he can’t hold back the tears any longer. Taeyong discreetly wipes them away as they fall, embarrassed that he can’t stop crying. Especially in front of Cherie. Though, he guesses that makes them even now. Both crying in front of each other over boys. 

“It’s okay to cry, you know? There’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” Cherie assures him, like she can read his mind. “But, when you’re ready, I have the perfect way to show that dick what it is exactly he walked away from.”

Taeyong takes a couple of deep breaths before blowing them out, then looks at Cherie and nods his head. “It’s fine. I’m all good.”

“One second,” Cherie says as she starts digging through her massive beach bag, only to pull out some makeup. “I meant it when I said that you’re hot without trying, but we can always step it up a notch.”

She confidently waves the tubes in front of Taeyong’s face, then gets to work. First, she smudges some pink onto his cheeks, then layers some sparkly highlighter onto his cheekbones and in the corners of his eyes. Then, she finishes off the look by applying a coat of shiny gloss to his lips. When she’s happy with her work, she retrieves a mirror from her bag and holds it up to his face.

“Wow, Tae. You seriously look so gorgeous. I’m so good, it’s kinda scary.”

Taeyong takes the mirror from her hands and examines his face. The makeup isn’t thick or caked on like Naeun used to do to him, it’s more subtle and soft, making his skin look like it’s glowing. And he has to admit, Cherie is pretty talented with a brush. 

Hearing a wolf whistle, Taeyong turns his head just in time to see Jaehyun approach with a big smile on his face. “Look at you, hot stuff.”

“Excuse me,” Cherie says, standing up and shooting a glare at the new arrival. “I need to be anywhere but here. I’ll catch up with you later, Tae.”

“You two friends now?” Jaehyun asks as he watches her walk away. “How the hell did that happen?”

“She was just being nice,” Taeyong tells him as he stands up with a smile of his own.

“Didn’t know she was capable of that,” Jaehyun jokes as Taeyong shoves at his chest playfully. Jaehyun catches his hands, though, and wraps him up in a bear hug. “Need my good luck hug.”

Taeyong pats his back and returns the embrace as tightly as he can. Despite his hard talk with Johnny, there’s something about Jaehyun that just makes him feel lighter. The two of them have really come a long way.

“You ready for the competition?” Taeyong asks. 

“Yeah,” Jaehyun answers while pulling away. “It feels kind of weird, though. You know what I mean? First one without Naeun. Is it okay that I miss her still?”

“Of course,” Taeyong says, eyes softening with care. “And she is here. Just in a new way now.”

Jaehyun wraps him up in another hug, this one full of meaning that can’t be put into words. Taeyong feels his pain in that hug and thinks of all that Jaehyun has been through in such a short amount of time. He really just wants him to be okay.

“You better win, I’m rooting for you,” Taeyong whispers as he peers over his shoulder.

And, of course, his eyes land on Johnny. He’s struck suddenly by his cynical gaze, and Taeyong watches as his arms flex while he stares at the two of them sharing a hug.

Jaehyun pulls back. “Oh, you know I will. Gotta kick Johnny’s ass.” He grins. “We should get ice cream after, yeah?”

“Sounds good to me,” Taeyong replies before bending down to grab the block of wax again. “And here.” He hands it over with a sad smile. “For good luck.”

“You really are my one and only,” Jaehyun says, smiling as he caresses Taeyong’s cheek gently. “See you when I’m done.”

Jaehyun runs off towards the staging area to prep his gear, and Taeyong watches with his arms crossed over his chest. Jaehyun is right, it does feel weird to be there without Naeun. And even though her memory still stings, he feels her presence everywhere. Luckily, it’s the better part of his memories with her that fills him as he stares at the ocean. But, then, he’s pulled out of his own thoughts when something hard and cool is pressed into the middle of his back.

“Don’t move,” Aron commands, his voice like a knife cutting through Taeyong’s safe space.

He stands frozen to the spot, paralyzed by fear. He wants to run or scream or do anything at all, but he just continues to stand there. He’s acutely aware of the spot the gun is making contact with and knows that if Aron pulls the trigger right now, he won’t survive. He would bleed out on the beach before help arrived.

“Listen to me closely, Taeyong. We’re gonna walk back to the parking lot and get into my truck. If you scream or draw any attention to yourself, I’ll unload this entire clip into the crowd. You understand me?” Aron asks, sounding as calm and controlled as ever.

Taeyong can’t speak, so he just nods his head and lets Aron lead him away from the safety of the beach. Deep down, Taeyong knows he should scream, that this is his best chance of getting help. He knows he should kick him and run and knows that his chances of survival will drop drastically if he lets Aron take him somewhere else. But he also has no doubts that Aron will follow through with his threat, and Taeyong can’t risk the lives of all the people around them. His heart is racing, and he can practically feel it trying to beat right out of his chest. But he tries to remain calm, staring straight ahead as Aron guides his movements with an arm around his waist. Anyone who glances at them will think they’re lovers, surely, but anyone looking close enough will see Taeyong’s wild eyes begging for help.

Once they reach the parking lot, Aron opens the driver’s side door and makes Taeyong climb in and over to the passenger seat, keeping the gun trained on him the entire time. When Aron takes his place behind the wheel, Taeyong’s body floods with an overwhelming sense of dread, and he wraps his arms around his own shoulders, trying to stop the trembling.

“Where are you taking me?” Taeyong asks, voice coming out weak and raspy. 

“You don’t want me to ruin the surprise, do you? You’ll find out soon enough, be patient.”

Aron keeps the hand with the gun trained on Taeyong resting in his lap as he pulls away from the beach and starts driving up the coast. He starts singing along to the radio and tapping his fingers against the wheel, as if they’re old friends going on a trip rather than Taeyong being held hostage. All he can really do, though, is pray that someone notices he’s missing.

“Good day for surfing, don’t you think?” Aron observes as he stares out the window at the riptides. “Sucks that we’re gonna miss the competition. There’s nothing I love more than supporting my brother in his endeavors.” 

Taeyong scoffs. “The only thing you love doing is using him.”

Aron’s hand comes out of nowhere, grabbing a fistful of Taeyong’s hair and slamming his head against the dashboard. He feels a snap in his skull, and blood pours from his nose as pain blooms across his cheeks. Taeyong’s eyes water, and a cry of pain tears out of his mouth.

“It’d be advisable for you to not fucking test me right now. I’m a nice guy, I really am. I don’t wanna cause you any pain, but I will if I have to. I’ll break every bone in your body and fuck your limp form while you cry out for help, Taeyong. And I’ll do it all without an ounce of remorse.”

Taeyong moans while holding his head in his hands, Aron’s words causing a chill to travel up his spine. With everything happening and how he’s speaking, Taeyong can’t help but feel like he isn’t going to get out of this alive. He just doesn’t understand what the motive is, doesn’t understand why Aron is suddenly after him. Is he seriously so deranged that he doesn’t need a motive to craft chaos? Aron continues to drive, occasionally glancing at Taeyong with his intense stare. More blood oozes from Taeyong’s nose as his stomach convulses with nausea and his head pounds like feet on sand. However, it isn’t long before they’re pulling up to a large house on the shore.

“Like it?” Aron asks as he shuts off the truck. “The owners are always away on a trip, so it makes for a great hideout.”

Taeyong swallows as he watches Aron climb out of the truck and circle around to his side. All the while, he’s still aiming the gun at Taeyong through the window, and he tentatively opens the door to slip out.

“Why are we here?” Taeyong whimpers.

Salty tears streak down his cheeks, mixing with the blood as an icy realization settles in his bones. It’s a deafening acceptance, a roar that this is it. Aron is going to kill him. And, in that moment, he can’t help but wonder if Naeun had this stark realization, too. Did she know she was going to die? Or did she blindly hope up until the end? Aron shoves Taeyong inside the house, and the latter quickly looks around for anything that can possibly help him. The home is chic, though, and decorated with cheesy beach house finds. It doesn’t seem like the type of place anyone spends a lot of time at. Pulling up a wooden chair, Aron instructs Taeyong to sit and he does so, even when his body trembles and shakes.

“Please, don’t do this,” Taeyong cries. 

Aron doesn’t bother to reply or to even humor him as he pulls out a roll of duct tape and rope. He quickly ties Taeyong up with a practiced ease, and it becomes even more apparent that there’s no escaping him. The rough material cuts into Taeyong’s wrists and ankles, and new blood joins parts of the old that has already dried on his chin and neck. The pain in Taeyong’s head is replaced with the temporary relief of adrenaline, and his mind starts going crazy with the need to get out. The gun Aron clutches only seems to mock Taeyong as he puts a strip of tape over his mouth. He finds it hard to breathe through his nose with the thick blood clinging to his face, but he forces himself not to panic. He just has to breathe in and out. Slowly. Steadily. He can’t afford to freak out.

Aron smiles at his handiwork, chuckling as he goes to the kitchen and makes a sandwich, not even caring that Taeyong’s blood is all over his hands. “Sit tight, Tae. The real fun has yet to begin.”

It’s completely dark outside by the time Aron decides to move Taeyong again. His head is aching fiercely, body cold and nose burning with pain. Aron doesn’t speak to Taeyong at all, he simply slices through the restraints on his ankles and frees him from the chair. He points the gun at Taeyong’s skull then, urging him towards the door. And Taeyong does as his says, though climbing back into the truck is difficult since Aron left his arms tied. Taeyong struggles to breathe against his bound mouth as Aron wordlessly drives and the late-night moon shines overhead. He doesn’t know what time it is, but based on the lack of cars on the road, he figures it has to be pretty late. Eventually, Aron pulls onto a section of the beach that’s abandoned with nothing to occupy it except for the surf shop that nearly put the Lee family’s own out of business a year ago. It’s the very reason their shop has been struggling so much.

“Out,” Aron orders.

Taeyong manages to work the handle despite his shaking, tied up hands and maneuvers his way out of the vehicle. Aron motions with the gun that Taeyong should walk in front of him to the shop, but his knees lock, not wanting to let his legs carry him inside. Still, he forces himself to move — one foot in front of the other — and when they make it to the front door, Aron slips in a key. He motions Taeyong inside, then closes and locks the door behind them. Aron doesn’t even bother flipping on the lights and decides to just guide Taeyong through the darkness. With one hand grasping his arm, Aron takes him to the back office and sits Taeyong on a chair that he then proceeds to bind him to.

“There, all nice and comfy,” Aron mocks.

Then, he crouches down in front of Taeyong so that they’re eye level and looks over his nose, like he’s admiring what he’s done. Aron reaches out with one finger and presses it into the bridge, sending a shock wave of fresh pain all the way down Taeyong’s spine. He screams, but it’s muffled by the layer of duct tape still bound so tightly across his mouth that it cuts into his skin. Satisfied with his pain, Aron stands back up and leaves the office. Taeyong can do nothing but cry, and even that hurts for him to do. His tears carve winding trails into the dried blood on his cheeks, and even though it’s a warm night, his body is cold. He shivers against the restraints, feeling the jerky movements in the shards of broken bones in his nose.

From the other room, he can still hear Aron, though it sounds like he’s talking on the phone to someone. Taeyong has no doubts that Aron will keep his promise and break every bone in his body if he doesn’t get what he wants, but the problem is that he doesn’t know what that is. Aron hasn’t actually said much to him aside from the occasional threat. The thought that he’s just an evil person who enjoys inflicting pain crosses Taeyong’s mind, but he has to hope that there’s still some way he can get himself out of this. Unfortunately, he doesn’t get the time to formulate any kind of plan before Aron makes his way back into the room. And he’s smiling, which Taeyong knows can’t mean anything good.

He fights the hysteria bubbling up in his throat and focuses on keeping his breathing calm and steady. If he can’t control his breathing, then he’ll end up suffocating. Though, that would make things a whole hell of a lot easier for Aron. Stepping right up to him, Aron rips the tape from his lips, and Taeyong cries out in agony. He knows he should scream, but he’s too afraid of what Aron will do if he does.

“Did you hear about little old Daddy Dearest?” Aron asks, still smiling maniacally.

“No,” Taeyong grits out. “He’s dead to me.”

Aron hums, cocking his head to the side. “You know, I was surprised that your dad had the balls to go through with it. I guess that brave streak didn’t last very long, though. He wants to spill all my secrets to the DA with the hopes he’ll get a good plea bargain. However, I don’t really think he has the evidence to do much. It’s one thing to _suggest_ murder, but another thing entirely to actually watch the life drain from someone’s eyes. I really didn’t think the pussy had it in him, but boy was I surprised when he called me. Your daddy was crying like a little bitch when he told me it was done.”

Taeyong’s breath hitches, wishing so badly he could cover his ears and make this all stop. He doesn’t want to hear it, doesn’t want to know any details. He just wants to go home.

“In a couple of hours, I’ll be on a boat headed to Mexico. But, of course, there’s one last thing I have to take care of. One problem I need to eliminate,” he says, getting right in Taeyong’s face as he presses the gun to his cheek. “Why was Jaehyun Jung at the Sanderling Resort?”

Taeyong’s eyes squint in confusion. “What?”

Aron rears back and hits him across the temple with his gun, causing Taeyong’s skull to blare with pain. “Answer my fucking question!” he yells. “Why was Jaehyun at the Sanderling? What was he doing there? What did Naeun tell you?”

Tears stream down Taeyong’s cheeks in waves. “She didn’t tell me anything,” he sobs. 

Aron grabs his hair and yanks, the locks straining against his pull. “Don’t fucking lie to me, Taeyong. Why did Jaehyun go there?”

“I found a key to the resort in Naeun’s things, and we were trying to figure out who she was there with,” Taeyong tells him, though he had no idea that Jaehyun ended up going to the resort to check it out. 

Aron lets go of his hair and starts pacing the room. “I know she told you,” he says, sounding like a madman as he whispers threats under his breath and scratches his scalp with the barrel of his gun. “Naeun wasn’t planning on running into me there. Her and Daddy Dearest were just looking for a weekend away, and I was out there doing some business. I really didn’t give two shits who the bitch fucked. If some old bastard wanted to dip his dick in her loose pussy, then that was none of my business. But Naeun was worried. She thought I was gonna tell Johnny what I saw, and she didn’t want anyone to find out about her dirty little secret.”

Taeyong’s chest rises and falls harshly, his breathing coming quicker. He knows the more that Aron reveals, the less likely it’ll be that he’ll let Taeyong go. “I didn’t know, I swear!”

“She was so desperate that she came looking for me. She really shouldn’t have,” Aron continues, and Taeyong squeezes his eyes shut. Like that can somehow remove him from this situation. “Showed up at my fucking house. And, _boy_ , she sure did find me. Standing over some sorry motherfucker that tried to steal from me as I slit his throat. And that was a problem, you know? Because I couldn’t just kill some rich whore without the cops snooping around everywhere. But, then, like some kind of miracle, I ran into your father.”

Even though Taeyong isn’t looking, he can hear the smile on Aron’s face, and he swears he’s about to be sick all over the floor. He wants to scream at him to stop, but nothing comes out. He wishes Aron would just kill him already. Death is preferable to listening to him retell how everything went completely wrong.

“He was just minding his own business, strolling downtown with your mom and not a care in the world. But when I approached him and asked for a surfing lesson, he almost pissed his pants. You should have seen it,” Aron recounts, laughing like it’s some kind of fond memory. “I knew he recognized me from the Sanderling, so he couldn’t really say no unless he wanted his precious wife to be suspicious. It only took a few threats before he spilled all his dirty secrets. Turns out, we both wanted Naeun to disappear. I mean, he couldn’t have some pregnant teenager ruining his marriage, and I couldn’t have a witness going to the police. All I had to do was threaten to tell your idiot mother about everything and he crumbled. But I also sweetened the deal. Told him I’d take care of the competition. Save his family. Save his business. It was all supposed to be so easy. No one would suspect Hajoon Lee of doing anything so cruel, and I had no problem building an airtight alibi. The only unknown variable, the only dent in the plan, was _you_.”

“Naeun didn’t tell me anything, okay? Don’t do this! You don’t have to kill me.”

Aron tilts his head back and laughs. “Of course I have to kill you! Hajoon wants to talk, and Naeun told you what she saw. But you know what, Tae? I am a man of my word. I promised your dad I would eliminate the competition, so I’m going to burn this shop to the ground. And while I’m on a boat to Mexico, the police will be delivering a handful of ashes to your heartbroken mother.”

Taeyong chokes on a sob. Turns out, Naeun was a master at keeping secrets and spinning webs. Aron himself is the one who unleashed the truth, one that he’s willing to kill Taeyong over. Naeun never told him anything, and there was nothing in her behavior that ever hinted that she was involved with such dangerous people. She smiled and laughed like everything was one big party until the day she died. Taeyong knows he could beg and try to appeal to whatever humanity Aron has left, but he won’t let him go. He can’t now that he’s spilled everything. So, Taeyong decides he’s not going to beg. If he’s going to leave this world tonight, he isn’t going to do it pleading for mercy. His pleas would only fall on deaf ears anyway. Taeyong narrows his eyes and stares at Aron in defiance. He isn’t human, he’s an animal. 

“You think you’re tough, little boy?” Aron asks, noticing the shift in his demeanor. “Why don’t we see how tough you really are, huh? I bet I can put the fear back into those pretty eyes of yours.”

Picking up his switchblade, Aron drags it along the bare skin of Taeyong’s thigh without breaking eye contact, and it’s a strange sensation, the cold blade almost tickling. Aron teases his skin with it for a moment longer and then plunges the knife deep into his thigh. Taeyong flings his head back, screaming in pain as his tormentor laughs. 

“Go ahead and scream, there’s no one around to hear you,” Aron taunts. “Let it all out. I like the way it sounds.”

Taeyong clenches his teeth to stop the shrieks from escaping his lips and holds his head as high as he can, doing his best to avoid looking at the knife sticking out of his flesh. Aron doesn’t seem to be bothered at all as he flicks his wrist to check his watch and acts like the entire situation is boring to him.

“Well, this has been very fun, but I’ve got a ride to catch,” he says, taking one long stride back over to Taeyong’s chair and wrenching the blade out of his leg. A tidal wave of blood flows freely from the wound, and Taeyong can’t stop the strangled cries that slip out from between his lips. “If I were you, I’d start praying that the smoke kills you before the flames.”

Aron strokes Taeyong’s hair, getting more blood on his hands in the process, before he turns and starts to walk away. But before he gets very far, he turns abruptly and sends a fist into Taeyong’s eye and then into his side. Between the earth-shattering pain and the punch to his side, it feels like the wind has been knocked right out of Taeyong. He can’t breathe and can no longer hold his head up. He lets it fall limply, barely able to see as he drifts in and out of consciousness. The smell of gasoline registers in his brain, but he doesn’t feel the sting of it on his wounds so he figures Aron has dumped it on the floor all around him. He hears footsteps before Aron lifts Taeyong’s head and studies his face. He doesn’t look for long, though, before he’s letting go and Taeyong hears the sound of a match striking the box.

“Sweet dreams,” Aron whispers. 

Heat licks at Taeyong’s skin, like the devil is in the room and breathing down his neck. Smoke billows out around him, and death looms over him in wait. This is it. His poor mother will be left all alone in this world, Jaehyun is going to lose another person he loves, and he and Johnny will never get their happily ever after. Like Naeun, his life is being cut short far too soon. He still has so many things he wants to do, so many things he wants to change. But, at the very least, he finds some comfort in the fact that he’ll get to see Naeun again. A lump lodges itself in his throat, and he starts to cry as a crash sounds nearby, followed by shouting. 

“Help,” Taeyong whispers, unable to scream. “Help.”

Time passes slowly, and death feels like an ominous blanket on his soul. He calls for help again as his awareness flickers in and out, and he vaguely feels as though someone is standing behind him as more voices jumble together. Then, suddenly, his hands are free and someone is picking him up. But every time he tries to open his eyes, they burn.

“Help,” he croaks.

The person carrying him takes him out through the office door, and Taeyong peers around the best that he can, noticing a fallen display of heavy paddle boards and what looks like a body buried beneath them. More fire circles them, and the flames seem to block every visible exit. Taeyong’s mind becomes fuzzy as the back door is kicked open, and the fresh air greets them with a vengeance. Taeyong gulps in the precious freedom, lungs burning with every expanding breath.

“Set him down, he’s bleeding.”

Taeyong whimpers as he’s laid down on the hard asphalt, the glow of the burning shop bleeding through his vision. Sirens can be heard in the distance, but Taeyong is too preoccupied by how much pain he’s in. Everything hurts.

“Fuck, Ty. Hang on. The ambulance will be here soon,” Jaehyun assures him, pushing the hair out of his face. 

Taeyong smiles, knowing that he’s safe in his best friend’s arms. “You saved me.”

Another figure hovers over them, a dark presence that somehow comforts Taeyong as the pain overwhelms his senses. “Don’t you dare leave me,” Johnny says, and it’s the last thing Taeyong hears before the world goes black.

  
❦

  
Seeing Taeyong black and blue and fighting for his life in a hospital bed ignites a fire in Johnny hotter than the flames that nearly took his life. He hates his brother, now more than ever. And Johnny knows he hasn’t fully processed his feelings over leaving him to burn, but right now he doesn’t care. All he cares about is Taeyong. Jaehyun is standing on the opposite side of the bed from him, but both of them are holding his hands tightly. Taeyong’s face is so swollen and covered in bandages that Johnny would have never recognized him if he didn’t already know it was him in the bed. He looks so small and fragile, just a whisper of a boy. 

Taeyong starts groaning, fluttering the eye that isn’t swollen shut, and Johnny calls out for Yumi because he doesn’t want to leave Taeyong’s side. He’s been such an asshole over the last few weeks, and he’ll be damned if he isn’t here for Taeyong when he wakes up. Yumi comes running into the room and plants herself next to Jaehyun, reaching out to stroke a small patch of skin on Taeyong’s face that isn’t purple. 

“Mom,” he croaks out.

“I’m here, baby. We’re all here,” Yumi tells him through unshed tears. “Do you want some water?”

Taeyong nods, and just that small movement is filled with the kind of pain that makes Johnny want to bring his brother back to life just so he can kill him all over again. He’ll never be able to get the image of Taeyong bloodied and blue out of his mind, he’ll never forget the way Jaehyun held his hand to the wound on Taeyong’s leg in an attempt to stop the bleeding, and he’ll never forget the way Taeyong passed out on the asphalt. It’s something Johnny feels like he’ll never be able to escape.

Yumi holds a cup to Taeyong’s mouth and lets him take a sip, wincing as the water eases down his throat. “Where am I?”

“The hospital. You’ve been out of it for a while, but you were so lucky. You didn’t get burned and there’s minimal smoke damage to your throat and lungs. Jaehyun and Johnny got you out before the fire had a chance to spread,” Yumi explains, voice breaking as she surely relives what could have been the end of her son’s life. “But you do have a few cracked ribs, a stab wound on your thigh, a broken nose, and a concussion.”

Yumi lists the injuries like a skilled nurse, but every item on that gruesome list makes Johnny want to punch the wall in. He doesn’t even care that Jaehyun gets to look like the hero for carrying Taeyong out, he’s just thankful that he’s out of that place and that Aron is no longer a problem. Doesn’t even matter how fucked up it sounds because if Johnny had to choose between family and Taeyong, he will always choose him.

“And Aron?” Taeyong asks, the lilt in his tone full of questions and fear.

“He’s dead,” Johnny answers with zero remorse. “He got trapped in the fire, and I couldn’t get him out.” It’s a lie, though. He probably could have done it.

When Cherie told Jaehyun that she saw Taeyong leaving the competition with a guy in all black with a scar on his face, Jaehyun had found him immediately. Johnny called everyone on Aron’s client list, threatening them with the cops until someone could give him a clue as to where he was hiding. It wasn’t until one mentioned seeing Aron driving towards the new surf shop in town that they got a decent lead, though. Him and Jaehyun ended up kicking down the front door and storming inside as flames filled the building. And when Johnny saw his brother, he had acted purely on instinct. He pushed Aron over a display of heavy paddle boards, and one of them knocked him out cold. Johnny knows he should have grabbed him, should have at least _attempted_ to save his life, but he had someone more precious to worry about.

“He told Dad to kill Naeun because she saw Aron murder someone, and he thought I knew,” Taeyong whispers.

Johnny doesn’t really understand what he’s saying, but the machines he’s hooked up to start beeping as his heart races. And Johnny hates himself in that moment. He hates how he pushed Taeyong away, how he let his own guilt get between them. Taeyong was taken because of Johnny’s brother. He can’t even stand to be in his own skin, let alone stare at the evidence of Taeyong’s pain. This is his fault. Johnny wasn’t there for him when he needed to be, and now he has no idea how he can ever redeem himself.

“It’s okay,” Johnny tries to soothe, reaching out to stroke Taeyong’s hair.

He feels like a bastard, though, like he doesn’t deserve the right to touch Taeyong in this way. Like he doesn’t deserve the right to be here with Jaehyun and Taeyong’s mother. But he also doesn’t care about all those feelings because he loves Taeyong. He loves him so much, and the idea that he was almost killed is nearly too much to handle. 

“You’re here?” Taeyong asks, eyes filled with confusion and wonder.

The doubt in his eyes makes Johnny want to punch something. “Of course I am, and I’m not going anywhere,” he promises, meaning it this time. 

Taeyong winces, as if in pain, and Yumi lets out a sigh. “You need more rest. I’m gonna give you some medicine to help you sleep.”

“No,” Taeyong whispers, but his voice is faint.

And, within seconds, another nurse is waltzing in to administer morphine into Taeyong’s IV. It seems like it only takes a second then before he’s fast asleep. Yumi stares at her son for a moment with tears in her eyes, the concern and worry rolling off of her, and Johnny feels so incredibly bad for her in that moment. Her family has suffered through so much, with Hajoon in prison and her son in the hospital. Johnny truly doesn’t know how much more the poor woman can take.

“Watch him for me?” Yumi asks Jaehyun, and Johnny can’t help but wish that she would ask that of him. “I need to go check on my other patients.”

“Always,” Jaehyun promises.

Of course Jaehyun will always watch Taeyong, that isn’t even a question in anyone’s mind really. Johnny never imagined that the bastard would be the hero of this whole ordeal, considering just a couple of months ago he was a selfish, entitled, destructive drunk. And the only reason he isn’t still on Johnny’s shit list is because he had changed for Taeyong. He figures that’s got to be worth something. Yumi leaves the room then, giving Johnny an opportunity to thank Jaehyun. He may be a jealous fucker, but that doesn’t mean he’s oblivious to the role he played. Jaehyun saved him, and without him, Taeyong would be dead. 

“Hey, I… I, uh, just wanted to thank you for coming to find me earlier. When Aron took Taeyong.”

“You were our best chance at finding him, and I wasn’t gonna let whatever is going on between you two get him killed,” Jaehyun says, shrugging his shoulders.

Guilt crashes through Johnny like a wrecking ball. In many ways, his involvement is the reason Taeyong is even in the hospital right now. It’s why Johnny tried putting space between them before it ever got to this point. He knew his brother would try to ruin every good thing in his life, and he had wanted to spare Taeyong all of that mess. He had been pushing away in some misguided attempt at saving Taeyong, but now he just wishes he hadn’t done it at all.

“What _is_ going on between you two anyway?” Jaehyun questions.

Johnny sighs. He doesn’t really want to get into it with Jaehyun — especially not before he gets the chance to talk to Taeyong about it — but he also feels like he owes him. Jaehyun did save Taeyong’s life today, and Johnny doesn’t even want to think about what would have happened if he hadn’t come to get him when Taeyong was taken. Johnny doesn’t know what to make of his new acceptance of Jaehyun, though. Taeyong loves him like a brother, but Johnny’s only experience with family has landed them in a hospital room with the love of his life knocked out cold. However, he knows that he needs to open up to Jaehyun. If Johnny wants to be in Taeyong’s life, then he has to come to terms with the fact that Jaehyun is a part of that.

“When Taeyong’s dad was arrested, everything really hit me. How completely fucked up the whole situation was, that is. My dead girlfriend was cheating on me with my current boyfriend’s dad, who also got her pregnant and then murdered her. On top of that, my brother had taken a special interest in Tae, and it reminded me of all the sneaking around with Naeun. I just didn’t want him to get hurt.”

Johnny can’t help but to look at the floor as he speaks. Saying it all out loud makes it sound unreal, and saying it to Jaehyun is like rubbing sandpaper on his wounds. The two of them have been enemies for so long that any sort of truce feels like it goes against Johnny’s very being. Change is a necessary but difficult thing. Hating Jaehyun is like muscle memory, and Johnny has to physically restrain himself every time they speak.

“I get it. But Ty didn’t do anything. He was devastated, you know? And then, on top of all that shit, he lost you, too. You could have just fucking talked to him, but you hid like a pussy. It doesn’t make sense to me how someone that dives headfirst into twelve-foot waves could just run away from the boy he supposedly loves,” Jaehyun states, not breaking eye contact.

And Johnny just stands there, enduring the verbal slap across his cheek. It stings, but he understands where Jaehyun is coming from. His loyalty to Taeyong honestly makes Johnny like him even more. They might not have started out as friends, but Jaehyun is a decent guy at the end of the day. He isn’t afraid to protect and defend Taeyong at any cost. 

“I know. I’m a fucking asshole for disappearing on Tae. It wasn’t his fault, and I realize that I don’t deserve his forgiveness. I was trying to protect him from Aron, but it was also more than that. I just… I felt so guilty every time I looked at him. Everything around us was crashing and burning. Everyone was in so much pain and affected by at least some part of this shit show. Yet, here I was — _am_ — in love. My first real love. But it was haunting me. I couldn’t help but think: what kind of monster finds happiness with his murdered girlfriend’s best friend?”

“You need to tell all of that to him,” Jaehyun says, motioning to the bed where Taeyong is sleeping. 

“I know, and I will when he’s up to it. I just can’t stop picturing him broken and bruised, surrounded by flames. If I had just talked to him at the competition when he tried, he wouldn’t have been alone and wouldn’t have been taken. I’ll never forgive myself for that, but I also won’t ever let anything come between us again.”

Being away from Taeyong was complete torture, and Johnny can’t stand knowing how he hurt him. At the competition, he had been two seconds away from grabbing Taeyong and just devouring him. If he could go back and do everything differently, he would in a heartbeat. The fear of losing Taeyong might have dragged him out of his martyring, but he was already hanging by a thread. All Johnny knows is that he can’t breathe without Taeyong. He can’t exist without him.

  
❦

  
For the following few days, Taeyong is in and out of consciousness. Whenever he’s awake, he’s so heavily medicated that he doesn’t make much sense, and every slurred sentence he forces out is about Aron and Naeun. It makes Johnny burn with regret every time Taeyong’s eyes widen in shock at seeing him, as if he can’t believe that he’s actually there. But Johnny stays the entire time. He feels like it’s his fault Taeyong got taken, and it’s definitely his fault that he’s heartbroken. So, he vows to spend every minute trying to make it up to him. That is, of course, if Taeyong will even still have him after Johnny broke his promise not to leave him.

Jaehyun still comes to the hospital every day after school, too, and Johnny finds himself actually looking forward to his visits. After that first day, the two of them have mostly stuck to lighter topics when speaking to one another, such as surfing, the weather, and random island gossip. They aren’t friends by any stretch of the imagination, but they are crossing over into acquaintance territory. And Johnny has found that when Jaehyun isn’t being a total asshole, he’s actually a good dude. A funny one, too. Yesterday, Jaehyun even told him how his crazy old neighbor ran through the street in his underwear, chasing after his escaped pug, and the two of them were laughing so hard that they had to step out of the room so as to not wake Taeyong. And Johnny had the distinct feeling then that it was the first time either one of them got to feel normal in weeks. Maybe even months.

On day three, however, Taeyong refuses the sedative pain medication. Instead, he asks if he can have something that won’t knock him out. He’s healed enough, in his own words, but Johnny can still see the burning pain in his eyes. The police have been waiting to question him, though. They agreed to stand by until Taeyong was well enough and coherent enough to figure out what had happened that night, but they requested to be contacted immediately when he woke up. 

“You really are here,” Taeyong says, bright eyes searing Johnny with a look of distrust he feels in his soul. “I’m feeling better today, though. You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.”

Johnny opens his mouth to argue, but a knock on the door makes him pause. “Mister Lee? It’s Detective Villareal. The nurse said you were awake, so I was wondering if it would be okay if we have a chat?”

Taeyong gives Johnny a sad look before answering. “Sure. Come in.”

Detective Villareal sweeps his eyes over Taeyong and lets out a low whistle. “I’m really sorry this happened to you, kid. How are you feeling?”

“Like I was attacked by some maniac who stabbed me and beat the shit out of me before trying to light me on fire,” Taeyong deadpans.

He sounds strong and defiant, eyes blazing with anger that has nowhere to go because Aron is dead. He suffered from the flames he built, but there’s no justice to be claimed from a dead man. 

Detective Villareal pulls out his tablet and starts typing. “I just need to get your statement, and then we can be done with this once and for all. Well… until your father’s trial, that is.”

Taeyong takes a deep breath, then launches into a long explanation of what all happened that day. Detective Villareal seems surprised that Aron had been hiding right under their noses in a vacation home on the beach, but Johnny can’t help feeling nauseous. He should have known that Aron wouldn’t have left. He had always been resourceful and scrappy, good at hiding in plain sight. When Taeyong starts talking about what all Aron said, Johnny’s blood boils. All of this happened because Naeun thought Aron would tell on her. All of this happened because Hajoon and Naeun were in the wrong place at the wrong time. So many things had to happen to get them to this point that it makes Johnny sick.

When Taeyong is done telling his story, Detective Villareal shakes his head and locks his tablet. “You’ve been through a lot, Taeyong, and I sincerely hope you have a very peaceful and uneventful rest of your life. I’m so sorry this happened and that we didn’t find Aron sooner. If you have any questions or remember anything else of importance, please give me a call.”

Turning on his heel, he gives Johnny a nod and starts walking towards the door. But before he makes his exit, he pauses and turns back around to face the pair. “You didn’t happen to see Aron when Jaehyun was carrying you out of the building, did you?”

Johnny’s chest constricts. He could have saved his brother, but his decision to leave Aron there to burn is one that he refuses to regret. 

“I couldn’t really see _anything_. The smoke was too bad, and we were kind of in a rush to get out of there,” Taeyong tells him.

Villareal nods. “Right. Have a nice day.” And when he finally leaves, Johnny exhales in relief. 

“Why are you here, Johnny?”

“I’m here because I love you and because I can’t push you away anymore. Being away from you is no longer an option. I’m here because I need to see you and touch you. I need to make sure you’re really okay and that you’re safe,” Johnny explains, noticing how heavy Taeyong’s eyes are. “Go to sleep, okay? We can talk more about this later. I’m just… I’m so sorry, Tae. I’m so fucking sorry. But I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”

Taeyong’s eyes fill with tears, although none of them fall. “You said that last time.”

“I mean it this time, truly,” Johnny replies, knowing he’ll do whatever he needs to in order to convince Taeyong. “Just wait and see, I’ll be here when you wake up. I’ll always be here.”

  
❦

  
Everything hurts, and there’s a soreness in Taeyong’s soul that refuses to let up. His mother keeps commending him on his strength, but it’s only made him realize that brokenness is a matter of opinion. Even though the world sees him as a survivor, his mind is a toxic place that keeps reminding him of the feel of Aron’s blade sliding into his thigh. The brute force against Taeyong’s cheek. The helpless way he had accepted his death. Taeyong feels like a wilting bouquet of flowers, like a beautiful arrangement of trauma. And he has no idea how to process it all.

Aron.

Naeun.

His own father.

The trauma of being kidnapped.

Johnny’s distance.

Jaehyun’s pain.

His mother’s devastation.

Taeyong doesn’t know how to be whole again. Every painful event that led up to this moment has stolen a piece of him, and he doesn’t know how to claim those optimistic sides of him back. Plus, today is the first day he’s woken up without Johnny by his side. He’s spent five days healing in the hospital with Jaehyun and Johnny, but he’s expected to be discharged today. He just hates how his heart sinks with pangs of disappointment when he doesn’t see Johnny sitting in that uncomfortable hospital chair, peering at him with love and praying for forgiveness. Taeyong wants it to be enough, but there’s still a hollowness in his soul. And he realizes that he’s not in a healthy space mentally to even accept it or move forward. He needs more time to process everything, without the fuzz of pain medication dulling his thoughts and without all the bruises on his body and soul. Maybe promises are just temporary dreams people cling to out of guilt.

“His brother’s funeral was today,” Jaehyun says, like he can read Taeyong’s thoughts. “They said you should be discharged in about an hour or so. He wanted to be here, but he felt like he was obligated to attend the funeral.”

Taeyong thinks back to Johnny telling him about the promise he had made to his mother, the one about him and Aron always staying together. Taeyong hates Aron, but he also understands why Johnny needed to go to the funeral.

“I get it,” Taeyong says. “Do you think we can grab some food on the way home? I’m starving.”

“Now you’re speaking my language,” Jaehyun smiles.

“I’m not interrupting, am I?” Yumi asks as she knocks softly on the door frame. However, she doesn’t wait for an answer before coming in and waving a stack of papers in the air. “You ready to go home?”

They keep saying home, but all of them know that they really mean Jaehyun’s home. Neither Taeyong or his mother want to go back to their place, and Jaehyun likes having them around anyway so it works out. 

They’re like a little makeshift family. 

After Hajoon’s arrest, Yumi had tried to get a hold of Jaehyun’s parents for days before finally getting through to them. Apparently, they had rented a cottage in Italy for the foreseeable future, and Yumi had failed to keep the disdain out of her voice when she asked if Jaehyun was aware. She even gave Mrs. Jung an update on Jaehyun’s wellbeing, even though she didn’t ask for one. Then, Yumi asked if it was okay that they were staying in their home and was told it was fine. In fact, Mrs. Jung had practically rushed off of the phone just so she could go sailing. After the conversation had ended, Yumi physically slammed the phone down and walked out of the room to cool down. It made everything worse, but none of them had even been surprised. Least of all Jaehyun.

Taeyong knows his mother wants to take the afternoon off to help get him home and settled, but he also knows that she’ll only drive them both crazy. So, he suggests that she stay and help at the hospital. He’s probably just going to spend his day sleeping anyway. It takes a few attempts, but Yumi eventually agrees. Not before she goes over the paperwork multiple times with Jaehyun, though, and tells him which medications to give Taeyong at what times. Then, another nurse comes in with a wheelchair, and Taeyong rolls his eyes. He doesn’t need it. He’s been walking to the bathroom on his own just fine. However, they only make it about fifteen steps outside of his room before he gives in from the pain and lets his mom push him the rest of the way to the car.

“Take good care of him,” Yumi tells Jaehyun before turning her attention to her son. “And don’t be a pain for Jae. I love you both, and I’ll be home later tonight.” 

She gives them both hugs, then helps Taeyong into the car before heading back into the hospital. It’s not until Taeyong is sitting in Jaehyun’s car that the reality of it all really hits him. He and Johnny aren’t on good terms, but he’s been there for him the whole time he’s been in the hospital. He’s absolutely certain Johnny has a lot to process with the death of his brother and Taeyong’s involvement, and it doesn’t sit right with him knowing that Johnny is alone for his brother’s service. 

“What’s going on in that head of yours?” Jaehyun asks.

“Do you think Johnny is alone at the funeral?”

Jaehyun starts the car, and a cool blast of air-conditioning hits Taeyong in the face. “I don’t think Aron had many friends, and I’m sure a lot of his business associates are trying to distance themselves from him as much as possible.”

“It feels wrong,” Taeyong whispers.

He’s happy that Aron is gone and happy that he’s out of his life, but his anger doesn’t take away from his love for Johnny. He may not have been able to fully articulate his forgiveness, but it doesn’t eradicate how much he cares for Johnny. Love isn’t something that just disappears. Taeyong’s feelings for him have always been there, even when he hurt him. Even when he was distant. Johnny has his heart whether he likes it or not, and Taeyong hates the idea of him sitting all alone, mourning the last bit of family he had left. Taeyong knows better than anyone that regardless of a person’s humanity, there’s still love when they’re gone. There’s still loss.

“You wanna go to the funeral?” Jaehyun asks softly, not a hint of judgment in his tender gaze.

“Do you think it would be weird to show up in sweats?” Taeyong questions with a small smile.

“Pretty sure you could show up naked and it wouldn’t matter,” Jaehyun assures him. “Let’s go, Johnny needs us.”

“Us, huh?” Taeyong repeats with a teasing smile, the stretch of his lips making the bruises on his face sting. 

“Don’t get all weird about it. The asshole is my friend too, so let’s go take care of him or whatever.”

The ride to the funeral home is bumpy, and every jolt of Jaehyun’s car makes pain shoot through Taeyong’s body. He tries to steel his face so as to not show how pained he really is, though, because he knows Jaehyun will happily drag his ass home if he’s hurting. But their mission is deeper than cuts and bruises. Johnny has a festering wound that needs time, a wound that needs the support of those who love him most. And Taeyong knows there’s no way in hell he’s going to let Johnny do this alone.

When the funeral home comes into view, Johnny is sitting on the front steps and cradling an urn. He’s not dressed up in any way — simply sporting board shorts and an unbuttoned shirt — but he’s staring at the ground, completely lost in his own world. He doesn’t even drag his eyes away when Jaehyun pulls to a stop right in front of him, and he doesn’t blink when Taeyong slowly gets out of the car.

“Johnny?”

“What the hell am I supposed to do with his ashes?” Johnny asks. “I don’t want them in my house, and I don’t even know him well enough to figure out what he would want. He didn’t surf, didn’t like the ocean. He liked drugs and booze. I don’t even fucking want this.”

Johnny looks down at the urn in his hands, and Taeyong shuffles his weight from one leg to the other, the move drawing Johnny’s attention to him.

“Fuck, Tae… what’re you doing? You need to sit down,” Johnny says as he hands his brother’s remains to Jaehyun, who looks as though he wants to toss it at a nearby wall. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Why don’t we go to Jae’s house? We can figure out the right resting place for Aron together.”

Johnny scoffs. “The right resting place? If I could somehow find the gates to hell, I would toss his ashes in there.”

Taeyong sighs. “I know how hard this is,” he whispers.

It’s more difficult to do this than any of them can even iterate. The hurt part of Taeyong — the one still burning with so much anger and fear — wants to agree with Johnny, but this is still his brother. And if this year has taught him anything, it’s that, in the end, no one is a collection of just purely the things they’ve done wrong. They aren’t even a collection of the good, either. They’re all just souls traveling through time. Trying to survive. Trying to find love and meaning and happiness. They’re all just temporary blips on a big, spinning sphere. Aron was fucked up and he did really bad things, but grief isn’t one-dimensional. Despite the many opinions from experts and the books and the steps one is supposed to take, grief is fluid. Ever-changing. It doesn’t have to make sense, and it often doesn’t. Death is one of the few places where hate and love can shake hands and find appreciation for one another.

“Okay,” Johnny gives in quietly. “Let’s get outta here.”

The three of them sit at the kitchen table, staring at the metal urn in the middle that holds the remains of the man that nearly took Taeyong from the world and was partly responsible for Naeun’s demise. It makes his head ache and his body craves rest, but he refuses to leave Johnny to deal with all of this alone.

“Did you guys ever go anywhere fun?” Jaehyun asks.

He’s been surprisingly patient throughout the entire ordeal. Taeyong hadn’t even expected him to help Johnny, especially considering the connection Aron had to Naeun’s death, but Jaehyun has shown growth and maturity through his actions.

“Not really. After Mom died, we didn’t exactly have time for fun.”

“What about before she passed?” Taeyong tries.

Johnny takes a bite of his sandwich and chews as he thinks over his answer. “Well, there was this park. She used to take us to it all the time, but I think the city tore it down.”

“What park?” Jaehyun asks.

“The one off Third.”

“No shit? Naeun, Taeyong, and I used to go there all the time, too. We’d spin on the tire swings for hours,” Jaehyun tells him excitedly, making Johnny’s face fall.

“It probably wouldn’t be right to spread his ashes somewhere that you have fond memories with Naeun at.”

“Nonsense,” Jaehyun replies. “That was long before all this shit. Before my sister got caught up with some asshole, before your brother started selling drugs, before Ty saw me getting my dick sucked by Cherie—”

“Don’t remind me,” Taeyong groans.

He realizes that Jaehyun is obviously trying to lighten the mood, but he sees Johnny tense anyway. Taeyong hasn’t exactly told him that he saw such a thing happen, but there really isn’t any going back now.

“All I’m saying is that the park seems like just as perfect of a place as any. It weirdly connects us all. It reminds you of a happier time with Aron, and we all went there when we were just kids. When we were naïve and innocent and thought we could jump from the swing set and fly.”

“Jae’s right,” Taeyong agrees. “Let’s go.”

“What? Right now?” Johnny questions, portraying shock as if he isn’t quite ready for such an easy solution.

“Yes, right now. Let’s put Aron to rest and unburden you from the weight of his ashes.”

Jaehyun swings his car into the parking lot of the park turned nail salon, then pops open his door and practically runs to Taeyong’s side to help him out. Johnny does his best to be of some kind of aid as well, but he’s still obviously struggling with what they’re about to do. Once Taeyong is out of his seat and using Jaehyun as support, the three of them slowly head to the back of the salon for some privacy. 

“One time, Aron brought me here without Mom. We rode our bikes, and, of course, it started raining so we ended up standing under the pavilion counting lightning strikes. I can remember it so clearly, like I can still see myself waiting eagerly for another to flash across the sky just so we could add it to our total.”

Taeyong can tell that this is one of Johnny’s only good memories of his brother, and he feels an enormous amount of sadness watching him struggle to come up with even that. Taeyong doesn’t have any siblings himself, but his childhood memories with Jaehyun and Naeun are overflowing with both laughter and love.

“That’s how you should remember him,” Taeyong says as he intertwines his fingers with Johnny’s. “As the boy you counted lightning strikes with.”

“I’m sure that would make Mom happy,” Johnny says as he unscrews the top of the urn.

There aren’t really a lot of options for sprinkling Aron’s ashes in the concrete jungle that is the new strip mall, but they end up finding themselves around the corner and off to the side where a small patch of grass sits with a lone tree. It isn’t ideal, but it’s something. It’s good enough. Johnny opens the urn then and sprinkles the ashes onto the ground, letting the flecks fall gently all around the tree.

“Wherever you are, Aron… thank you for the lightning strikes.”

His demeanor seems to visibly lighten with the words, and he no longer resembles a man tortured by the weight of the ashes of the person who tried to kill his boyfriend and succeeded in killing his ex-girlfriend. The entire situation is pretty fucked up, but not a single one of them care in the moment. There’s something healing about it, about being free of someone who caused so much pain. They don’t linger around very long before they decide that Johnny’s goodbye is enough and head back to the car.

“Thank you,” Johnny whispers, leaning in so only Taeyong can hear. “Thank you for understanding.” 

  
❦

  
Taeyong heals slowly at first. His body feels foreign, filled to the brim with pain and trauma he can’t quite get a hold on. The bruises and broken bones mend first and make him look more human again. He stops needing bandages soon after and is able to go back to wading in the ocean. The raised scars from Aron’s brutality end up being the only things physically left over from his near-death experience. However, it takes his mind longer to recover. Although Taeyong would have loved nothing more than to jump back in to a relationship with Johnny, he also knows it wouldn’t be healthy for either of them. Before, he never took the time to heal and never settled with the information thrust upon him. Now, he uses all of his free time to process it all. It’s like an unspoken agreement readily accepted by them both.

The two of them still spend every waking moment together, though. Sometimes, they hold hands. Other times, Johnny just holds him as he sleeps. But it’s like they’re in some sort of beautiful limbo, licking their wounds as they try to figure out what the future holds. Taeyong needs this time, and while he isn’t sure it’s what Johnny wants, he knows the latter is desperate to support him in whatever way necessary. Johnny doesn’t want to push him, and Taeyong loves him for it. Him and his mom even move back into their own home, forging a new normal by gathering all of Hajoon’s belongings and burning them on the beach.

Weeks pass by in a blur, and both Taeyong and Jaehyun finally graduate with decent grades. And despite everything that’s happened, Jaehyun and Johnny make Taeyong’s birthday the best he’s ever had. They end up baking him a cake together, then they give him a free pass to do whatever he wants. But all he truly wants is to spend the day with them. During the middle of the Summer, they all attend a firework show at the beach, and Taeyong ends up holding Jaehyun’s hand the whole time they watch. Naeun used to love the firework show more than anything, so they both cry as the lights explode in the sky.

The Summer months spark a new sense of purpose, and Taeyong ends up researching online colleges when he never really planned on attending in the first place. Mostly, though, he hangs out with Jaehyun and Johnny, and they slowly start breathing again. Johnny even starts trying to romance Taeyong for the second time. It’s like Christmas every day with the way Johnny buys him little gifts all the time. On day one, he brings Taeyong a block of wax in his favorite scent. He hasn’t surfed in a couple of months, but he likes the thoughtfulness of the gift. On day two, Johnny buys him a bracelet made of sea glass. On day three, he buys Taeyong a bright pink pair of swim trunks.

On day four, he shows up with a framed photograph. Taeyong didn’t even know the picture existed, but he traces it with tears in his eyes. Naeun, Johnny and Taeyong are standing in the sand with his arms wrapped around both of their shoulders, but in the moment that the shot was taken, Johnny had looked at Taeyong with an overwhelming amount of love and adoration. A few months ago, the sight of the three of them would have made Taeyong feel guilty, but he only feels love now. And he knows this is Johnny’s quiet way of telling him that he has come to terms with how their relationship started.

On day five, Johnny brings Taeyong his favorite meal — a grilled cheese and fries — and they happily watch the sun set on the sand while munching on their dinner. On day six, Johnny buys him a new surfboard. It’s teal and beautiful, and Johnny even gets it personalized with Taeyong’s name painted across it. And Taeyong can’t help it, he cries when it’s handed to him. He knows the brand is really expensive and knows how hard Johnny must have worked just to be able to afford it. Carefully, he sets it down and wraps Johnny up in a hug, brushing his lips against his neck in a chaste kiss. Johnny holds him tightly, and a flutter of butterflies fills Taeyong’s stomach. It feels like a revival and is the first time since Naeun’s passing that Taeyong has experienced a rush of happiness without the burden of guilt.

On day seven, Johnny ties a rose to Taeyong’s bike with a note asking him out to dinner on Friday night. On day eight, Johnny drives to Jaehyun’s house and they spend the day together. Taeyong leaves them to it for a while, and when he eventually shows up to see how they’re doing, he finds his two favorite people laughing and smiling in the kitchen. When it’s time for them to go, Johnny and Jaehyun share a hug, and it becomes Taeyong’s favorite gift by far. He even kisses Johnny on the cheek later that night. On day nine, Johnny leaves a box on his doorstep with a nice outfit inside for Taeyong to wear on their date. On day ten, Johnny shows up at Taeyong’s door in a pair of jeans and a navy button-down shirt. Taeyong spins around for him to show off the new outfit, and they both laugh as they admire one another. 

“You look so incredibly beautiful, Tae,” Johnny says breathily as he kisses his forehead. “Are you ready to go?”

“More than ready,” Taeyong replies eagerly, knowing that this dinner symbolizes a new start to their relationship.

Johnny ends up taking Taeyong to a restaurant on a peninsula that has a stunning view of the ocean on one side and their little island on the other. It’s a casual place that they could have honestly gone to in their swimsuits, but they don’t look out of place in their current outfits, either. A candle between them burns softly, creating a cozy glow, and Taeyong watches as Johnny reaches down to pull out a small jewelry box. He opens the lid cautiously, then passes it to Taeyong. His eyes twinkle with emotion, but the rigid way in which Johnny is sitting hints at the anxiety he really feels. The light from the flame flickers off of the pair of silver surfboards nestled in the box as Taeyong reaches his hand up to thumb the matching surfboard currently nuzzled against his neck.

“They’re beautiful, Johnny. Thank you,” Taeyong says as he lifts them out of the box.

When he turns them over, he sees that one has been engraved with a T and the other with a J. Emotion wells up in Taeyong’s eyes as he looks at the kind and caring man sitting opposite him. It’s been a long and hard road for them, but in this moment, he knows for sure that it’s been worth every tear and every bit of pain to get where they are now.

“I love you,” Taeyong breathes out.

“And I love you.”

The two of them stare at each other, basking in the peace of the moment. The sun has almost fully set, leaving nothing but a sliver of light over the ocean line, and Johnny breathes deeply before deciding to speak again. As if he’s still anxious about something.

“I know I already apologized, but I wanna say that I’m sorry. Again. For distancing myself after everything came to light.”

Taeyong swallows hard. “It hurt, I’m not gonna lie,” he admits, making Johnny’s shoulders slump. “But I also think it was necessary. We needed to pause for a minute. Everything just happened so fast, and I feel like I fell in love with you in an instant.”

Johnny nods. “I was the one who rushed things between us, then slammed on the brakes when reality came crashing down around us. But never once did I stop loving you.”

Taeyong licks his dry lips, his own anxiety squeezing at his chest. But he knows they’re both ready for this. He knows that it’s finally time for both of them to have a shot at genuine happiness. Taeyong has focused on himself, has done the work to heal, and Johnny has patiently waited for him. They’re both in a good place.

“I want us to be together,” Taeyong whispers, though the words feel more like a shout.

“I want that, too. So… can we try again? Please? Only, this time, we’ll start from a healthy place.”

Taeyong smiles. “I’d really like that. And, just so you know, you don’t need to bribe me with thoughtful gifts,” he laughs, nodding towards the jewelry box.

“Taeyong Lee, I am going to spoil you every day for the rest of my life, so get used to it,” Johnny promises, reaching out to hold his hand.

“And what about Jaehyun?”

Johnny frowns. “What about him?”

“Me and him are kind of a package deal, you know? He’s here to stay. You, him, and my mom are all I have.”

A playful grin tugs at Johnny’s lips. “I guess the idiot has kinda grown on me. He can actually be funny when he’s not busy being a broody asshole. So, as long as you don’t expect me to go easy on him at any surfing competitions, I think I can handle that.”

Taeyong raises Johnny’s hand then and places a gentle kiss to the back of it. Any lingering tension around them seems to lift, and they finish dinner, talking and laughing the entire time. It’s so comfortable and easy, like before everything that has happened in the last six months. Johnny orders a dessert for them to share, and when the waiter sets it down on the table, the mountain of whipped cream with a cherry perched perfectly on top immediately grabs Taeyong’s attention. Noticing his fascination, Johnny reaches over the table and plucks the bright red cherry from its place, swirling it in the creamy fluff before bringing it to his lips. He wiggles his eyebrows at Taeyong playfully before placing the fruit in his mouth and sucking on it.

He looks ridiculous and he knows it. They both burst out laughing but finish the dessert off quickly. And even though Johnny was just being funny, watching him suck on the cherry did remind Taeyong that it’s been a long time since he’s felt his boyfriend’s tongue between his thighs. Johnny pays for their meal, then slips his arm around Taeyong’s waist as they walk back to his truck. It isn’t long, though, before he slides his hand lower and grabs a handful of his ass cheek. He squeezes the flesh between his fingers lightly, then follows it up with a smack. Taeyong laughs, pushing at Johnny’s chest playfully, but his face burns in both embarrassment and arousal.

“I’ve missed this ass.”

  
❦

  
A red hot ball of dread settles deep inside of Taeyong’s stomach as he, Johnny and Jaehyun make the drive to visit his father in prison. Although, visit is kind of a strong word when confront is more accurate. They all want answers that only Hajoon can provide, and Taeyong wants his dad to look him in the eye and tell him everything. He wants to hear about the affair, the baby, and about him murdering his best friend. He wants Hajoon to see just what all he’s taken from his son, and Taeyong wants him to suffer with that knowledge. As of the moment, there’s only a few months left until the trial, but Taeyong can’t wait that long for closure. None of them can. They’ve done enough waiting to last a lifetime.

The trip feels like it’s both too long and not long enough simultaneously, and Taeyong’s heart races faster with every mile they put behind them. None of them even speak for nearly the entire drive, all of them lost in their own thoughts, but Jaehyun seems particularly absent. He stares out the window, unmoving, and Taeyong wonders if a part of him just wants to run and hide as well.

“How’s everybody doing?” Johnny asks as he follows the signs guiding them to the visitor’s entrance.

Taeyong has to remind himself of why he’s here and what he wants to accomplish. He mentally tells himself that he has all the power in this situation and that his father has nothing. He _is_ nothing. Turning in his seat slightly, Taeyong glances into the backseat at Jaehyun and sees that he has the same look of determination burning behind his eyes, too.

“As good as we can be,” Taeyong replies. “We’re ready.”

Everything feels like some kind of weird dream, like a blur, and Taeyong finds himself holding both Johnny and Jaehyun’s hands once they’re out of the vehicle and making their way across the parking lot. Just having them there as support means everything to Taeyong, and he hopes it feels the same on their end. The trio enters the building and signs in one at a time before each handing over their driver’s licenses to the guard. Then, they take turns passing through the metal detector, and once Taeyong is on the other side, his stomach rolls with the threat of nausea. 

“You can do this,” Johnny assures him as a guard leads them into a room.

Stations with thick glass partitions divide the space, and Taeyong sits down on one of the stools to wait for his father’s arrival, with both Johnny and Jaehyun standing at his back. And when they finally bring Hajoon in, Taeyong barely recognizes him. He’s sporting a gray uniform and his skin is as pale as a ghost, the beachy glow it normally holds long gone. His hair is also cut much shorter than normal, and an unkempt beard is starting to take form across his jaw. That’s not even the most prominent difference, though. Taeyong mostly notices that his father’s right eye is black, like he has recently been in a fight, and when he sits down, he averts his eyes. Taeyong can see how ashamed he is, and while he wants to feel something for the man that gave him life, the man that taught him how to surf and cared for him for the last eighteen years, he just can’t.

“Ty,” he breathes out. The sound of his desperate tone makes Taeyong’s lip curl. He wants his father to suffer, wants him to be miserable. “I didn’t think you’d come. How are you? How’s your mom?”

Taeyong looks down at his lap for a moment, then forces on a brave face as he meets eyes with his father. “I’m not here to play catch up or tell you all about how my life has been. Mom is doing great, though. She’s happy and even dating again. It’s almost like you never existed,” he replies. 

His mother isn’t actually dating, but Taeyong is willing to lie in order to hurt his father. He wants him to know that the world has continued to move on despite him being stuck in prison.

“Why did you have an affair with Naeun?” he continues, not wasting any time.

Hajoon leans closer, lip quivering at his question. “I… I don’t know. It just sort of happened.”

“It just sort of happened?” Taeyong nearly scoffs. “So, you just sort of happened to have an affair with my best friend? You just sort of happened to get her pregnant?”

“She was always around, flirting with me and touching me. It was completely harmless at first.”

“And then it suddenly wasn’t, huh? How long, Hajoon? How long were you fucking my best friend behind my back? Behind Mom’s back?”

“About a year.”

“Disgusting,” Taeyong spits. “You disgust me.”

“I’m so sorry, Ty.”

“And then you killed her, right?” Jaehyun speaks up through clenched teeth. “You wrapped your hands around her neck and didn’t stop squeezing until she stopped breathing.”

“I’m not gonna answer that, Jaehyun,” he chokes out.

“Bet she thought you were there to save the day, right? Be the knight in shining armor, but you killed her instead. And for what, Hajoon? To save your marriage? Your business?” Jaehyun continues, his words like venom. “You know, the only consolation I have is that you still lost everything. And then some. Your wife left you, your son has disowned you, and your shop is nothing but an empty shrine to your name. All of that while you rot here. Forever.”

Hajoon’s jaw flexes, and an obvious fire ignites behind his eyes. He looks murderous, and Taeyong can’t help but to wonder if this is how he looked when he killed Naeun. Has he always been this way and Taeyong just hasn’t noticed?

“Why did you work with Aron?” Johnny asks. “I know he was gonna take care of the other shop for you, but was that really enough? Did you know that he attacked your son? Did you know he almost killed Tae?”

“I never wanted you involved in this,” Hajoon stutters. “I never thought he would hurt you. I was just…”

“Shut up!” Taeyong snaps, drawing the attention of the guard. “I didn’t come here to reconcile, and I’m not here to forgive you. Once I leave here, I’m not coming back. I won’t think about you, I won’t miss you, and I won’t spend a single second of my life wondering how you’re doing or what life would be like with you in it. You’re nothing to me. In fact, I’m entirely indifferent to your existence. And one day, when you’re looking death in the face, I hope you know that you did all of this to yourself. You ruined your own life, and you deserve every evil thing that happens to you.”

Jaehyun grabs his shoulder at the end of his speech, and Taeyong finds himself even more grateful at having both him and Johnny there with him. Their presence is what gave him the strength and support he needed to say what he did and not back down. Taeyong pushes his chair back and stands up, not wanting to stay there looking at such a pathetic excuse of a man any longer. He doesn’t even spare Hajoon a single glance as he walks out of the visitor’s room and waits in the hallway for Johnny and Jaehyun to say whatever it is they need to. Johnny comes out quickly, but it takes Jaehyun a few extra minutes to emerge. And as they leave the prison, Taeyong feels like a considerable weight has been lifted off of his shoulders.

“Anyone else hungry?” Jaehyun asks. “Cause I’m starving.”

Taeyong shoots him a small smile and a nod as they all climb into the Jeep and set back out on the road. It doesn’t take them long to come upon a diner, and they decide to stop in before continuing on their way home. It turns out to be a fifties themed diner that has waitresses dressed in poodle skirts skating around to take orders. It lightens up the mood considerably, and they all find themselves ordering the classic milkshake, burger and fries.

“Did you get what you needed today, Ty?” Jaehyun asks, voice full of concern and understanding. 

“I think so. Did you?”

“I did,” Jaehyun replies. “I really needed the closure. Seeing him reminded me that he’s not this big, scary monster that I had built up in my head. He’s just a weak and miserable man who couldn’t own up to his actions or face the consequences of them, so he decided to take something precious from this world instead.”

Johnny turns to look at Jaehyun and pats him on the shoulder. “You managed to get your point across without punching a hole in the wall… I’m proud.”

Jaehyun wipes an imaginary tear from his eye. “And you didn’t go all caveman in there and carry Ty away like the overprotective asshole you are.”

“I guess we’re all making progress,” Taeyong states with a light laugh.

“Who would’ve ever guessed that the three of us would be here, doing this?” Jaehyun says, tone softer now.

“Who would’ve thought that the two of you would actually be friends?” Taeyong adds.

“Friends? Us?” Johnny jokes. “Never.”

“Yeah, sorry. Still totally hate the dude. Johnny’s the worst,” Jaehyun adds with a roll of his eyes.

Taeyong sips on his drink as he looks from one of his most favorite people to the other. It makes him so happy to just be sitting there with the two of them, eating, drinking and laughing. They have all fought through hell and back, but they’ve made it out stronger. Better. And with his surfing necklace resting delicately on his neck, Taeyong feels Naeun’s presence in that moment.

  
❦

  
Sunday morning surfing becomes their new tradition. Every week, the three of them will meet at a new spot where they can surf for hours, and afterwards, they’ll grab lunch and compare the waves to those they had surfed in earlier weeks. Today, the weather is absolutely perfect. The winds are offshore, creating flawless swells that peel down the break, and Taeyong is the first one to arrive at the beach. He likes this time of day when it’s quiet and peaceful, when he can watch the water ebb and flow while the sun comes up.

Taeyong grabs some wax and gets to work on his board. By the time he’s finished and has stripped down to his swim trunks, both Johnny and Jaehyun have arrived. But he isn’t about to let either of them beat him into the water to catch the first wave. Taeyong runs into the ocean, lays his board down, and begins working his arms through the water. As he matches the speed of the wave, he turns to face the shore and feels the familiar lift of the tail. He pops up and then immediately crouches down low, the wave smooth and the ride effortless. He only makes one pass, though, before he decides to go back to the shore.

“Can’t let you have all the fun!” Jaehyun yells as he and Johnny pass by Taeyong in a rush on their way into the water as the latter is coming out.

He decides to hang out on the beach for a while and watch them expertly navigate the perfect swells the ocean has granted them with today. Taeyong grabs the sunscreen out of his bag and rubs some into his skin, breathing in the subtle scent of grapefruit and smiling at the two boys having fun in the water. When they finally make their way out, Johnny runs over and kisses Taeyong.

“Come on, let’s go!” Johnny urges, playfully pulling on his boyfriend’s arm.

Taeyong figures he can indulge him and gets up, all three of them running back into the water. They spend hours just like that, with each of them taking turns riding the waves and making new memories. None of it happened overnight, but as time passed, happiness has taken root in Taeyong soul. He finds himself smiling a lot more and living without inhibitions. But, more importantly, he finds himself loving a lot deeper. Especially when it comes to his boys. Both Johnny and Jaehyun are important parts of Taeyong’s soul, and he can’t ever see himself as being whole without either one of them.

“I’ve got something to show you both,” Jaehyun says as they all dry themselves off on the beach.

“How many times do I have to tell you that I’m not interested in watching your sex tape,” Johnny teases.

Their new relationship may be built on snarky comebacks and playful banter, but there’s also a deep appreciation growing between the two of them. They’ve even started hanging out without Taeyong present, which has maybe made him teary-eyed the few times he’s thought too much about it. In a good way, of course. He’s just so proud of them. 

“And how many times do I have to tell you that you couldn’t handle my sex tape? I’d hate to hurt your fragile masculinity with a dick measuring contest.”

“I’ve seen your dick, remember? When that wave took your shorts clear off and you did the walk of shame back to your car while cupping your junk.”

“I happen to remember Ty sneaking a few peeks,” Jaehyun protests.

“Hey! That was only because your tan line was so funny,” Taeyong replies. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen an ass that pale.”

They all holler with laughter before piling into the Jeep, with Taeyong taking his place behind the wheel. Jaehyun tells him where to go, pointing at familiar streets with a mischievous grin on his face. He leads them straight to the surf shop, and when Taeyong pulls up outside, his heart sinks a little. It’s still hard to look at the boarded-up windows and the _Closed Indefinitely_ sign hanging out front.

“Jae… why are we here?” Taeyong asks.

This is one part of their happy little life that still feels off. Taeyong can’t deny that he misses the shop, despite all of the bad memories associated with it. Knowing how difficult this is for him, Johnny reaches over and grabs Taeyong’s hand, giving it a comforting squeeze.

“I bought it,” Jaehyun proclaims proudly. 

Taeyong snaps his head around the seat to stare at him. “You what?” he asks incredulously. 

“You heard me! Dad said it’s a good investment. Plus, when we went to visit Hajoon, I had him sign it over to me. And once we sit down with the lawyers, the two of you will own it with me. Like a three-way partnership,” Jaehyun explains, waggling his eyebrows. “What do you think, Johnny? We could eventually build a café attached to the north side overlooking the ocean and you could create a kick ass menu. It’ll get more foot traffic this way, and I think we both know I’ll need your help overhauling the interior design. Since you built your bus, I figured you’d be good at that.”

Taeyong unbuckles his seatbelt and practically throws himself into the backseat, tackling Jaehyun in an awkward hug as tears stream down his cheeks. Jaehyun wraps Taeyong up into his embrace tightly and holds him close as he laughs into his neck.

“Thank you,” Taeyong whispers.

“This means no skipping out on college, alright? You gotta get that business degree you always used to talk about when we were kids,” Jaehyun tells him.

Taeyong chokes out a laugh. “I only said that because I wanted to be the owner of Sandcastle Café,” he says, thinking back to the memory of them and Naeun opening up their own fake business. 

“But you would kill it. Promise me you’ll at least think about it.”

“I will, I promise.”

The two continue hugging each other for a while longer before they finally climb out and make their way to the front door. Jaehyun pulls out a key to unlock it, but stepping inside feels like a slap to the face. There are so many memories of Taeyong’s dad in there that it makes his skin crawl.

“We can always put in new floors,” Johnny murmurs, and Taeyong smiles at his attempt to help him see a fresh start.

“We could also get a local artist to draw murals on the walls. Not to mention the fact that my dad said he would look into getting some famous surfers to come out to our grand opening. They could sign boards over there,” Jaehyun explains, pointing to one corner of the shop with a boyish grin. 

“No shit?” Johnny questions, his own excitement bleeding through the dusty shrine.

“Totally. I just… uh, I just have one request to make, though.”

Taeyong reaches out to take Jaehyun’s hand in his own. “Anything.”

“Can we change the name to Naeun’s Surf Shop? I think she would’ve been all over that,” Jaehyun chuckles. “But if you think it’ll hurt too much—”

“I vote yes,” Johnny cuts in.

“Me too,” Taeyong agrees. “And majority rules.”

A slow smile spreads across Jaehyun’s face, and Taeyong swears he’s on the verge of crying. “Thank you,” he chokes out before quickly clapping his hands together. “Let’s get to work then, yeah?”

“Wait,” Taeyong says, “should we take a picture to celebrate this momentous occasion? To signify our fresh start?”

Johnny smiles as he throws an arm around his shoulders. “I think that’s a great idea.”

Jaehyun nods, already digging his phone out of his pocket. “Maybe we can take progress pics all throughout the process? We can hang them behind the register,” he suggests. 

“Sounds perfect,” Taeyong says as the three of them huddle together.

Jaehyun stretches out his long arm and with a smile exclaims, “Say Tater Tot!”

The childhood nickname makes Johnny laugh, and Taeyong pinches Jaehyun just as he snaps the picture of them all smiling brightly. They don’t even attempt to retake it, leaving it just as it is, and Taeyong finds himself happy knowing that they’ll always have that little snapshot in time to look back on. They’ll always remember the day that started their new beginning. Taeyong can’t help but to picture Naeun smiling down on them then, knowing that she brought them together and that, together, they’re so incredibly happy.

**THE NIGHT OF NAEUN’S MURDER**

Yumi isn’t the type of woman to snoop through her husband’s phone. She wants to trust him, she really does. They have years of a deep, profound love that has survived loss, infertility, college, late night shifts at the hospital, and ramen noodle dinners because they couldn’t afford anything else. It makes her sick to doubt him, but things have just been so distant between them. Hajoon hasn’t touched her in months, and it’s not for lack of trying either. Yumi aches for him. She’s teased him in the shower, stripped naked and bared her body with a smirk, but he’s barely glanced her way. Once upon a time, they had a fairy tale romance. Maybe this is just what happens to every couple, though. Maybe they’re at that inevitable stage of marriage where passion is something to schedule in for birthdays and holidays exclusively. 

Or maybe there’s something else.

Hajoon always leaves his phone at home while he’s working at the shop, and Yumi is beginning to wonder if he does it on purpose. Maybe it’s his way of telling her without actually saying the words. She finds the secret messaging app too easily, the texts shared between her husband and his mistress making Yumi sob so much that she drenches the screen of his phone with her tears. She never imagined this would happen to her. Twenty-one years of marriage down the drain, just like that. And with Naeun Jung of all people. She’s a beautiful girl, but she’s merely just that. A _girl_.

Yumi has known her since she was three years old. Her and Hajoon practically raised Naeun and Jaehyun since their parents are selfish absentees that can’t be bothered to participate in their children’s lives. Does this mean that her husband is a predator? A pervert? The rage consumes her and makes her feel as though she can crush his phone in her fist. She just doesn’t understand how Hajoon could do this to her. Yumi isn’t stupid, she knows that Naeun has been lingering around their house more, but she just thought it was because she was lonely. Maybe Naeun even occasionally looked at Hajoon, but Yumi thought her flirty eyes were harmless. Young girls are prone to fantasies that never come to fruition, after all.

But this is one fantasy that has crossed the line.

Hajoon is Yumi’s husband, and the thought of him with Naeun makes hatred swirl in her stomach. But she also pities Naeun. She wants to both claw Naeun’s eyes out and give her a hug all at the same time. But, mostly, she just wants answers. As she stands there trying to process everything, however, the phone vibrates in Yumi’s hand and she looks down to check the new message.

`NAEUN`   
`baby i’m in the woods…`   
`cops broke up the party so can u come get me pls?`

Yumi’s chest constricts tighter at the words. Hajoon has always hated it when she used pet names with him, but Naeun seems to call him by one so effortlessly. Does Hajoon like hearing her soft voice calling him that? Who is this man? Because he isn’t who Yumi married.

`NAEUN`   
`joonie? i need u pls`

`NAEUN`   
`i know we’ve been fighting abt the baby but i made the appt!!`   
`we can go back to normal!! n i wont push u anymore i promise pls`

A baby? A fucking _baby_? Blinding rage strikes Yumi at those simple words. For years, she and Hajoon have tried desperately to have a second baby. But after failed treatments, traumatizing miscarriages, and pain that still haunts her, they gave up the idea of having another. Naeun is giving Yumi’s husband what she can’t in more ways than one, and the thought of that cuts deeper than the betrayal of his affair. Her words settle in a sickening way, and Yumi starts trying to figure out any way to help this girl. She doesn’t know what she means exactly, but she wants to find out. She needs answers.

`HAJOON`   
`I’m coming to get you. Just stay put.`

`NAEUN`   
`thank u thank u!! i love u sm`

_Love_. But this child has no idea what love is. Her own parents abandoned her, and Yumi has to wonder if her husband preyed on Naeun because of that. Because she is an easy target. Lonely. Is Naeun a victim in this, or is she the one that shamelessly pioneered the wrongness of it all for the sake of feeling something? Yumi wordlessly ties her hair up as tears stream down her cheeks and her chest constricts. It’s all just too much. Making her way out of the house, Yumi heads through the grove, knowing that’s where Naeun most likely is. The entire time, her fists are clenched and her heart is racing.

With each step she takes, her tears dry up and rage spurs. She just doesn’t understand how Naeun could do this to her. Hajoon had made a vow, sure, but Naeun has always been like a daughter to her. Did she even feel any remorse? Blue lights flash in the distance, burning brighter the closer Yumi gets, and it doesn’t take her long to find Naeun, smiling when she sees her crying against the base of a tree. The night sky and thick greenery hide Yumi from view, and she takes a second to watch Naeun sob, shamefully reveling in her pain. Yumi just wants her to feel what she’s feeling. And, yes, she knows it’s wrong, but Yumi’s world has been destroyed because of this girl. Her son will never be the same. Her marriage will never be the same.

“Who’s there?” Naeun stutters out. “Hajoon? Is that you?” With a deep breath, Yumi steps closer and forces a smile on her face when Naeun’s mouth pops open in shock. “Mrs. Lee?” she asks while scrambling to stand up.

Her movements are slow as she does, and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that she’s drunk. She’s always been so destructive. Does Hajoon like broken things? Yumi has always been the strong one in their family, always taking on the load of responsibilities because that’s what you do when you love someone. Maybe that’s what pushed him away. Maybe he just wanted to feel like the hero for once. Maybe he just wanted to feel like a man. Yumi is sure that it’s emasculating for him to know that he’s incapable of providing for their family.

“You’ve been fucking my husband,” Yumi states.

It comes out like a punch to the gut. She knows she should have eased into it, but the anger is still there. Naeun has the good sense to recoil at the harsh words, but Yumi can’t force herself to feel regret. The anger burns and burns and burns. A single candle now a blazing inferno. 

Naeun shivers. “I-I’m so sorry! I—”

“Shut the fuck up!” Yumi yells, shocking even herself.

She stalks closer, and Naeun shields away from her on instinct. Originally, Yumi had come out here with the intent of trying to help her, not scare her. She can’t help it, though. She’s just so fucking mad.

“Why did you do this?” Yumi questions. “Is it because nobody loves little Naeun Jung? Well, I love you. Or, at least, I did. You were like a daughter to me, Naeun.”

She starts sobbing harder, but the salty tears traveling down her cheeks aren’t enough. Yumi wants her to suffer, wants her to feel pain.

“I’m so sorry,” Naeun cries out while clutching her stomach.

That swift maternal move just makes Yumi angrier. She’s pregnant, yet she reeks of booze. Yumi has fought so hard to have life growing inside her belly, and Naeun has the audacity to drown it in alcohol? It feels like another betrayal.

“You’re pregnant,” Yumi says.

Naeun crumbles at her words, sobbing harder than ever before. She curls in on herself as she moans and chokes on emotion. “I’m so sorry. I have no plans on keeping it, I promise. I’m gonna terminate the baby soon, I just—”

“Terminate?” Yumi repeats. “You wanna get rid of it?”

“Taeyong doesn’t have to know. No one has to know. I won’t even see Hajoon again, and it’ll be like the baby never happened. Like the affair never happened.”

“I’ll know it happened!” Yumi snaps, tackling Naeun to the ground before she can even think about what she’s doing.

She barely fights back, but Yumi isn’t sure if it’s because of the alcohol or because she feels as though she deserves what’s coming to her. Yumi grabs a nearby fallen branch and presses it against Naeun’s neck while holding her down with her body. The wood digs into Yumi’s palms, and it’s like having an out-of-body experience that seems to both happen in a flash and drag on forever. Yumi knows how long it will take though, and she can’t help but smile as Naeun’s eyes roll back. As her lips go blue. Feeling her body go slack is like nirvana. Yumi’s muscles burn from the exertion, and she breathes through the pain, getting high off of watching Naeun die. With what little life is still left in her, Naeun tries to fight back in a small way, but it isn’t enough.

One second passes.

Two.

Too still.

Naeun Jung is too still.

Yumi’s vision focuses, and reality comes crashing down all around her. Falling back against the leaves, she breathes heavily and stares at the unmoving body before her.

“What have I done?” she whispers before grabbing the branch and throwing it as hard as she can into a pile of sticks. “Oh my God. I killed her.”

Yumi’s trembling fingers ache to feel Naeun’s pulse, but she snaps them back before making contact. Fingerprints. They would find her. They would know. Everything would come out. Hajoon would be ostracized for sleeping with such a young girl and could even be thrown into jail depending on when the affair started, while Yumi would spend a lifetime behind bars for killing her. Taeyong would be all alone. Yumi stands up and backs away. She can’t do this. She killed her. She fucking killed Naeun. She stares at the girl for a long moment before snatching her cell phone and covering her body with dirt and leaves. Then, after giving Naeun one last look, she turns and sprints home.

After driving in a numb haze for a couple of hours, Yumi decides that she can’t hide any longer. It’s almost sunrise when she arrives at the surf shop, knowing that Hajoon will be inside since he started sleeping there a while ago. Using her key, she opens the door and stumbles inside. Everything within her shakes with the adrenaline, grief and terror she feels. She can’t believe what she’s done. How is she ever going to cover her tracks? She could put her name on the schedule at the ER and assign herself to an isolated patient, perhaps. Everyone would believe it. Even Taeyong, who would think that his mother was simply just working late again. No one would be the wiser. Making her way to the back, Yumi finds Hajoon sleeping in his office and doesn’t hesitate to wake him up.

“Hajoon!” she cries out, shaking him. “Hajoon, please wake up.”

More tears stream down Yumi’s cheeks as she lets the pain and devastation of his betrayal wash over her like a wave. She wonders if her husband will hate her for what she’s done. Will he grieve Naeun? What will happen to their marriage? Hajoon’s eyes snap open, and the moment he takes in Yumi’s crying form, the guilt very obviously hits him. He knows why she’s here. Or, at least, he thinks he does.

“What’s wrong?” he asks in a sleepy voice as Yumi digs through her pockets and hands him both his and Naeun’s phones. Hajoon looks down at them and groans. “You know…” he trails off before his brows furrow. “How’d you get her phone?”

Yumi ignores his question, her sanity flickering in and out of focus. “How could you do this to me? I’ve always loved you and supported your dreams. I worked my ass off just so you could buy this shop. I raised our baby,” she cries. It feels wrong to yell at him when she’s committed the ultimate sin, but Yumi needs this one moment. She needs it before Hajoon finds out what kind of monster she is. Leaning over, Yumi wraps her husband up in a hug and sobs against his neck as her body trembles. “How could you? I love you.” She just wants one more hug before he pulls away. One more hug before he stops loving her.

“I love you, too,” Hajoon replies, sounding shocked at the fact that she isn’t hitting him or threatening divorce. “We can work through this. I know we can,” he whispers against her hair while stroking her back.

His tenderness only makes Yumi cry harder, though. That thin thread of sanity is close to snapping again, and numbness burns at the edges of her mind. “I don’t think we can. I did something bad, Hajoon.”

He pulls back and stares at his wife. “What did you do?”

“I was just so… mad. I—” Yumi breaks, feeling split in two and devastated over what she did.

“What did you do?” he repeats.

Yumi cradles her head in her hands and sobs, embracing the agony. “I killed her.”

Hajoon snaps back like he’s been shot. “You what?”

“She texted you, so I went to talk to her about the b-baby…I was so angry…” Yumi tells him, and Hajoon squeezes his eyes shut at the mention of the baby, just another layer of pain blanketing them and their devastating story. “I couldn’t let her destroy our family, Hajoon. I just couldn’t. I love you too much. We can’t do this to Taeyong. They’re gonna arrest me and you too, maybe. I was upset, you know? Please say you love me.”

Hajoon starts pacing his office, muttering curses as he runs a hand through his hair. “Tell me everything.”

And so Yumi does. She can’t describe the way her anger took over, though. She’s read about temporary insanity, but now she has a firsthand account. Her emotions had completely taken over, while reason and empathy had fled her mind, leaving nothing but anger in its wake. She doesn’t want to feel like a monster, but maybe that’s what she is. Maybe that’s why it was so easy to press the branch to Naeun’s neck and end her life.

“Shit, Yumi. This is bad,” Hajoon says, trying to hide the grief in his tone. 

“I know, okay? They’re gonna take me away… God, Taeyong…” Yumi sniffles.

Hajoon goes rigid. “No,” he whispers. “This is my fault.”

“What?” Yumi asks in shock while wiping at her nose. “What do you mean?”

“None of this would have ever happened if I had just kept my dick in my pants. I love you, Yumi. It’s always been you. I fucked up, but I’m gonna fix this. Taeyong needs at least one of his parents, and I refuse to let you suffer for this.”

“No, Hajoon. You can’t.”

He cups her cheeks in his hands and stares at her. “I haven’t been a good husband to you, Yumi. I cheated, I didn’t provide for you. You’ve always done it all, so please let me do one thing right. Just one thing.”

“Hajoon,” she sobs before leaning forward to kiss him.

His lips are still, but she pushes harder. And Yumi can’t help but to wonder if he can taste the death clinging to her. When she pulls away, Hajoon gives her a sympathetic smile, and the pity causes a new wave of sadness to course through her. She isn’t sure if it’s the heaviness of the moment or his complete lack of passion for her that makes their kiss lackluster, but it hurts all the same.

“I have a friend…” Hajoon trails off.

Yumi scrunches her face up in confusion. “A friend?”

“Someone who can help cover this up. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to get him off my back since he approached me a few weeks ago, so this is perfect. It’s exactly what he wanted. I think he can take care of this, but if I have to, then I’m willing to take the fall.”

“What are you gonna do?”

Hajoon crouches at her feet and holds her hand. “I’m gonna do whatever is necessary to keep you and Taeyong safe. I’m gonna save you, Yumi. I can’t let you go to prison. I love you too much to let you suffer any more than you already have.”

Yumi sobs. “But I did this.”

“You didn’t do this. Say it out loud, Yumi. I need you to say it until you believe it.”

“But—”

“Say it!” Hajoon yells.

She swallows before whispering, “I didn’t kill Naeun Jung.”

“Say it again.”

“I didn’t kill Naeun Jung.”

“Again. Louder.”

“I didn’t kill Naeun Jung,” Yumi repeats. “I didn’t kill Naeun Jung!”

“Again.”

“I didn’t kill Naeun Jung. I didn’t kill Naeun Jung. I didn’t kill Naeun Jung. I didn’t kill Naeun Jung.”

“I killed her,” Hajoon says, voice full of steel. “Didn’t I?”

“You killed her,” Yumi whispers. And it’s so easy to believe because her mind wants to feel the relief of his truth. It wants to escape the guilt and the pain. “You killed Naeun.” 

Hajoon nods. “Good,” he says as Yumi wraps her arms around his neck and cries with those words on repeat in her mind.

_I didn’t kill Naeun Jung._

_I didn’t kill Naeun Jung._

_I didn’t kill Naeun Jung._

_I didn’t kill Naeun Jung._

_I didn’t kill Naeun Jung._

_I didn’t kill Naeun Jung._

And by the time the two of them leave the shop, she believes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so very much for stickin' this journey out with me, I truly appreciate it! I honestly can't believe it's over, but I'm glad I actually went through with finishing it. Your patience and kind words has meant the world to me, and I honestly could have never done this without the support y'all showed, so thank you again!
> 
> Kudos, comments, and any kind of other feedback is always welcome and definitely encouraged. You get an extra thank you for taking the time to do so, but just reading is appreciated and you're still valid! If you'd like to follow me on Twitter, where I sometimes post edits and previews for upcoming fics, then I'll leave the link to that and my Curious Cat account below.
> 
> My DMs are always open to anyone, no matter if you follow me or not, if you'd like to discuss anything or just need someone to talk to! I also have Discord and am willing to give out my username if you ask. Hope everyone has a nice day, be safe out there!
> 
> ( [twt](https://twitter.com/icaruswilts) ) / ( [cc](https://curiouscat.me/internetsdad) )


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